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Great explanation on Responsive Desire & Spontaneous Desire that helped us understand ourselves.

What science can tell us about sex.
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garyb
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Great explanation on Responsive Desire & Spontaneous Desire that helped us understand ourselves.

Post by garyb »

I listen or read various Christian based podcasts and blogs as time permits, mainly while driving (listen not reading while driving).  I really like Uncovering Intimacy with his commitment to answering questions and concerns with alignment to scripture first and foremost.   In September, he blogged and produced a podcast explaining the differences between responsive desire and spontaneous desire and how they both are a blessing.   Honestly it really helped us.  One thing that really hit home, regardless if your a responsive desire or spontaneous desire spouse is the following statement.

"And that’s a blessing.  These small tests of character help us exercise our will.  They’re practice in leaning on God, on dying to self, on choosing to love and be more Christ-like.  They teach us to be content in whatever situation we find ourselves, even when we don’t get what we want.  In this way, our sex life becomes a training ground for life. These small moments can add up to large changes that can have effects in all aspects of life."

Being content is what the Apostle Paul said in Philippians 4:10-13.

Responsive Desire is a Blessing

Spontaneous Desire is a Blessing
--GaryB
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Tim
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Re: Great explanation on Responsive Desire & Spontaneous Desire that helped us understand ourselves.

Post by Tim »

That is a great way to look at the responsive/spontaneous and HD/LD dynamics in a positive light. I could very much identify with how he explained some of the thought processes I've dealt with on my own.
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Re: Great explanation on Responsive Desire & Spontaneous Desire that helped us understand ourselves.

Post by Link+Zelda »

Absolutely agree with this. The responsive-desire post came out shortly after I (the DH)  began to realize that Zelda's (the DW's)  type of desire was a blessing, even if I was having trouble understanding and putting words to how it was a blessing. So I thoroughly enjoyed that post, but then was faced with the next one about spontaneous desire being a blessing. This was a tough pill for me to swallow since it was about my own drive, which I have felt is a curse and have asked to be rid of it. But in the end, I got quite a bit out of both.

We actually had me read both of these out loud to Zelda in bed before going to sleep over the course of a few nights. (The podcasts are available in text almost word for word.) We both got a lot out of that, and it led to some good, vulnerable discussions. We still occasionally joke about the Santee, and I still may come up with a new move and give it that name :lol:

When I started "drinking from the firehose" of married Christian sex blogs/forums last summer, Uncovering Intimacy was the blog that helped me the most. Jay is just the right mix of technical/logical/theological to speak to Zelda and I. He and his wife's story is also similar to ours (though Zelda was never anywhere near that level of a gatekeeper/refuser). I do realize his view of solo M is more negative than most here, but you don't have to agree with all of his theology to get something from his articles.

Also, another article that really helped us with understanding, accepting, and working with Zelda's responsive desire was this one:
Trapped Gatekeepers
Last edited by Link+Zelda on Wed Apr 14, 2021 10:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Fixed formatting after QNA move.
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Brynna
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Re: Great explanation on Responsive Desire & Spontaneous Desire that helped us understand ourselves.

Post by Brynna »

Thank you for posting that, GaryB. I found it very interesting.
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Re: Great explanation on Responsive Desire & Spontaneous Desire that helped us understand ourselves.

Post by Duchess »

This reminds me of a book that I think I have (and have read the blurb for) but have not actually read yet--so many books, so little time--that posits that marriage is actually not meant to make us happy but instead to make us more Godly.
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Re: Great explanation on Responsive Desire & Spontaneous Desire that helped us understand ourselves.

Post by Duchess »

That sounds right.
JayDee
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Re: Great explanation on Responsive Desire & Spontaneous Desire that helped us understand ourselves.

Post by JayDee »

Glad you enjoyed them!
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Re: Great explanation on Responsive Desire & Spontaneous Desire that helped us understand ourselves.

Post by Link+Zelda »

I probably should have posted this earlier, but the linked site did do a third podcast as a follow up to the first two. A bit shorter and I didn't get as much out of it, but here it is:

Focus on your spouse, not the model
Last edited by Link+Zelda on Wed Apr 14, 2021 10:42 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Great explanation on Responsive Desire & Spontaneous Desire that helped us understand ourselves.

Post by Violet »

In some ways, my life is lived as the space between sexual encounters.

We don’t get each other’s undivided attention because there’s always some task that still needs to be completed, or a child vying for attention. But when we reunite, all of that falls away.

I honestly don’t know if my wife has anything like that. Sex doesn’t have quite the same effect on her. She doesn’t really get what it means to me. She knows, because I’ve told her, but she doesn’t really understand.

Along the same lines, if you have spontaneous desire, chances are you never have to work to get in the mood. Anytime your spouse even hints at sex, you’re probably willing.

I think many of us don’t realize just how much of a blessing that is. Because it’s often not even a split second thought for us, we don’t get how much mental work it can be for a spouse who needs to make a decision to be willing to be aroused, to stay focused on sex, to dampen their hangups, discomfort, shame, or whatever other sexual inhibitors they might have.

For my wife, I know that even accepting my initiations is a struggle. Every single time.

Like above, I know this, because she’s explained it to me, but I don’t really understand. I have no idea what that’s like. Sometimes I wish I did so I can understand her better, because my natural inclination, which I’ve spent years trying to kill, is to assume that she’s purposefully trying to reject me for some reason.



OMGEEE! This dude totally gets me! I've never had someone explain exactly what I feel and think regarding sex before. I am so excited to share this with DH!

Thank you so much for sharing this!!!!!
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