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Responsive Desire

What science can tell us about sex.
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Brynna
Hammock
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Re: Responsive Desire

Post by Brynna »

Go for it. I'm waiting....
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Link+Zelda
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Re: Responsive Desire

Post by Link+Zelda »

In case someone didn't see it, this is now brought up in the new thread “How do they help their spouse learn new things too?”

-Scott
-Link+Zelda
Brynna
Hammock
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Re: Responsive Desire

Post by Brynna »

I am one of those women who have responsive desire only. I wish someone had told me years ago. It would have saved us both years of heartache and each of us feeling bad, all the time. Me, because I didn't want sex, DH because he always did, and we couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. The interesting thing is, many or most of, the time, I would tell him after sex, that we should do this more often. By the next day, no desire again.

After reading on TMB, I realized I had a responsive desire, and my part was to just relax and let myself go and enjoy what I was feeling. I had squelched a lot of the arousal feelings for years.

I think I'm safe to say that it works every time. Just a few touches from DH ignites the desire. I think I'm also safe in saying that I never want sex and I don't even want to masturbate. I need DH to respond to!

I rarely outright initiate. I may pester DH until he starts responding in a way, that turns me on. But I seldom have the actual desire to go have sex right now.
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Link+Zelda
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Re: Responsive Desire

Post by Link+Zelda »

Thanks for the open, honest, and well-written explanation of your view as a responsive-desire spouse! Zelda and I were blown away when we encountered descriptions such as this one last summer, as sometimes they were verbatim things that Zelda had said. I just wish there were more descriptions like this one out there for people to read.

-Scott
-Link+Zelda
sd595
King bed
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Re: Responsive Desire

Post by sd595 »

I agree with Scott, the openness and honesty here are very helpful to understanding.

I had squelched a lot of the arousal feelings for years.

This is key to the question.  An initial reaction to the the idea of sex can move things forward or shut things down.  What is that initial reaction?  What informs it?  I almost see this as a taking every thought captive type of moment.

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Duchess
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Re: Responsive Desire

Post by Duchess »

I am uncertain whether I have what is considered responsive desire or not, but it seems like maybe responsive arousal. I can be absolutely mentally into the idea of having sex, very much want to engage, flirting back and forth, and yet have no tinglies whatsoever and if DH does not take enough time with foreplay (even if I am the initiator and aggressively so) I can find it difficult to reach a feeling of pleasurable arousal in my erogenous zones. They still need the attention, the touching, and I need the clear indications from him that he desires me for me to be able to go from mental desire to physical response.

It hasn't always been that way. There was a time when I would be aroused (with actual increased blood flow to the vulva and increased sensitivity) just from thinking about having sex or from flirting. Age? Declining fitness? Menopause? All of the above? Don't know. But now I need him to practice some seduction.
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