Chapter Two

Chapter by chapter discussion of the book Boundaries.
Forum rules
To post to this section you must add the necessary user-group. See viewtopic.php?f=34&t=41250 for information.
User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 16010
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: Chapter Two

Postby Leah » Fri Jul 16, 2010 12:03 pm

Ballad wrote:Most recently, what churches we have attended have been from traditions where not a lot of direct social interaction is expected. That helps as a relief of the pressure to be involved, but may not provide any suitable basis for close friendships or boundary work. It's also different enough that the format of services is still alien and slightly uncomfortable.


We left more evangelical or even charismatic churches for one that practices an Anglican style of worship. We find a lot of life there. Being somewhat introverted, I find comfort in less emphasis on "fellowship." I have found opportunities to be involved on a limited basis, and that is leading to some relationships with potential.

I agree with your conclusion of the first boundary to be set in a new church setting. I think you can stretch enough to stand up and smile, maybe, and then say, "If we visit again, we would love to meet you for coffee." That would instead of going home with them the first Sunday you visit. You could even prolong those conversations to find out whether you have common interests and then accept or decline on that basis.

I think a boundary lover is proactive about relationships. I have a background in travel and tourism, so it's almost automatic for me to say, "Tell me about your hobbies/children/job/home town," and go from there. You might think of ways to uncover information to help you find healthy relationships.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

User avatar
Ballad
Blanket on a secluded beach!
Posts: 1974
Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2009 6:32 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 4th, 2000
Gender: Male
Location: Chasing a rainbow

Re: Chapter Two

Postby Ballad » Fri Jul 16, 2010 2:33 pm

More helpful recommendations and clarification, thanks.
And what is the future, happy one?
'A sea beneath a cloudless sun;
A mighty, glorious, dazzling sea
Stretching into infinity.’

--Emily Brontë

User avatar
Ballad
Blanket on a secluded beach!
Posts: 1974
Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2009 6:32 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 4th, 2000
Gender: Male
Location: Chasing a rainbow

Re: Chapter Two

Postby Ballad » Sat Jul 17, 2010 12:10 am

There you go, you see--if I had read through the rest of the study to date, I would have noticed that Seekryt opened the Chapter Four discussion with almost the exact same question as I asked above.

Although, knowing me, my pragmatic (and emotionally closed) reaction at that point would have been, "I see. Well, Seekryt has that covered," and I probably wouldn't have said anything.

But getting back on-topic, this phrasing under "Words" as a boundary type (p. 36?) really struck me:

The most basic boundary-setting word is no.


It's even better over in chapter 4, under "Rapprochement" (p. 73?):

No: The One-Word Boundary.


Even our cat understands "no". He has no respect for it, of course, but he sure knows what we're telling him.

In my own experience, this reminds me of being told numerous times that I (or anyone) needs to learn how to say "no" to people. But that's tough to stick to without a supportive framework--a thought process, I mean, as well as relationships. I mean, my parents would tell me this even as they unwittingly encouraged my emerging compliant behaviors: "Work hard in school to get a good job... Never do less than your best... Put others first, as Jesus did..." Since these and similar bits of advice are all important in many contexts, for years I opted to follow them at the expense of my sense of self.

"No" defines who we are not; so obvious, you'd probably never actually think about it. Simple and explicit truths, child-like in the best way... that's what I keep loving about this book.
And what is the future, happy one?
'A sea beneath a cloudless sun;
A mighty, glorious, dazzling sea
Stretching into infinity.’

--Emily Brontë

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 16010
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: Chapter Two

Postby Leah » Sat Jul 17, 2010 6:39 am

Ballad wrote:"No" defines who we are not; so obvious, you'd probably never actually think about it. Simple and explicit truths, child-like in the best way... that's what I keep loving about this book.


Ballad, you are a breath of fresh air.

And I'll let you know, this is a free-form discussion. If you want to talk about a point that has been addressed earlier, please feel free to do so. My experience is that these principles cannot be too deeply explored. There is always another area of application or some new behavior to learn.

One of the ways I learn to say "no," is to buy myself some time. "Let me talk to Jake and let you know." "Give me 24 hours to pray about it and I'll call you tomorrow." "That's not something I can decide right this minute. I'll email you in the morning." Then by the deadline I have set for myself, I call or email and say, "Thank you for asking, but I'm not going to be involved in this project." This does two things: 1) It gives me time and space to process clearly. 2) It makes my reply proactive. I initiate the conversation and I'm prepared for the other person to respond.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

User avatar
Ballad
Blanket on a secluded beach!
Posts: 1974
Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2009 6:32 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 4th, 2000
Gender: Male
Location: Chasing a rainbow

Re: Chapter Two

Postby Ballad » Sat Jul 17, 2010 10:35 am

Leah wrote:Ballad, you are a breath of fresh air.


That's a very nice thing to say, Leah! :D I appreciate it, thank you.

That boundary of time is definitely one I'll have to start practicing. I can see why giving yourself time to think would be a source of strength.
And what is the future, happy one?
'A sea beneath a cloudless sun;
A mighty, glorious, dazzling sea
Stretching into infinity.’

--Emily Brontë

User avatar
Ballad
Blanket on a secluded beach!
Posts: 1974
Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2009 6:32 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 4th, 2000
Gender: Male
Location: Chasing a rainbow

Re: Chapter Two

Postby Ballad » Mon Aug 02, 2010 2:34 pm

Well, it's been a while since I chimed in here... Slow process.

A week ago Sunday, we had a really helpful discussion about church, sharing where each of us was coming from and really processing why we had been troubled by some of our earlier experiences, rather than simply re-hashing them for the umpteenth time. We didn't actually go attend anywhere, but talking about it like that did meet a genuine spiritual need.

During the talk my wife asked why this had become important to me. I said it had been on my mind/heart for a while, and that I lately had felt I could really use some imput from other Christians. She said she was struggling to find any internal motivation to justify the energy that regular church attendance takes; it's my prayer that the Lord leads her to that.

Oh, yes, and she has psyched herself up by telling herself that this is not a new commitment to go every week; she can go once and then see what happens after that.

There are a couple of possible churches in our town, but she is strongly opposed to going to them, mainly because it's almost certain we will move again before too long, and she is very eager to avoid the involvement pressure and potential attachments. In fact--and I found this terribly sad--she said, "I don't want local Christian friends." ::bh

Anyway, we scoped out options in nearby towns and chose one to try going to. Yesterday we really did try. We got ready and set off with reasonable travel time, but then we just could not find any parking. It took a really long time to get through all the traffic close to the church, then we had to retreat through the same traffic, and by the time we realized that we would have to walk farther than anticipated, it was extremely late, and we went home instead.

I feel like I am suffocating. I know that I need some good safe friendships (the authors' reasoning, and my own rudimentary boundary attempts, have convinced me that this is so, even after being a successful loner for so long), but I just can't manage to get myself into a position to build them. The most likely solution is exactly the same thing that is such a source of anxiety for my wife. And I don't know if I have the strength of character, the boundaries, to say that I'm just going (consistently) on my own. I'm starting to panic.

Please be praying.
And what is the future, happy one?
'A sea beneath a cloudless sun;
A mighty, glorious, dazzling sea
Stretching into infinity.’

--Emily Brontë

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 16010
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: Chapter Two

Postby Leah » Mon Aug 02, 2010 2:50 pm

Ballad wrote:I feel like I am suffocating. I know that I need some good safe friendships (the authors' reasoning, and my own rudimentary boundary attempts, have convinced me that this is so, even after being a successful loner for so long), but I just can't manage to get myself into a position to build them. The most likely solution is exactly the same thing that is such a source of anxiety for my wife. And I don't know if I have the strength of character, the boundaries, to say that I'm just going (consistently) on my own. I'm starting to panic.

Please be praying.


I understand. In the meantime, please lean heavily on your friends here. I'll do what I can.

Praying for you!
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

User avatar
Ballad
Blanket on a secluded beach!
Posts: 1974
Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2009 6:32 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 4th, 2000
Gender: Male
Location: Chasing a rainbow

Re: Chapter Two

Postby Ballad » Tue Aug 03, 2010 1:01 pm

Thanks again.
And what is the future, happy one?
'A sea beneath a cloudless sun;
A mighty, glorious, dazzling sea
Stretching into infinity.’

--Emily Brontë

User avatar
Ballad
Blanket on a secluded beach!
Posts: 1974
Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2009 6:32 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 4th, 2000
Gender: Male
Location: Chasing a rainbow

Re: Chapter Two

Postby Ballad » Sun Mar 11, 2012 10:56 pm

I have an update of sorts. I went to church this morning!

My wife wasn't up to going, emotionally, so I went on my own. We both respected the other's choice, and neither of us felt it meant abandoning the other. That is real progress for both of us.

Pathetic that it has taken so long to get to this point, but I'm glad God is patient.
And what is the future, happy one?
'A sea beneath a cloudless sun;
A mighty, glorious, dazzling sea
Stretching into infinity.’

--Emily Brontë

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 16010
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: Chapter Two

Postby Leah » Sun Mar 11, 2012 11:04 pm

Ballad wrote:I have an update of sorts. I went to church this morning!

My wife wasn't up to going, emotionally, so I went on my own. We both respected the other's choice, and neither of us felt it meant abandoning the other. That is real progress for both of us.

Pathetic that it has taken so long to get to this point, but I'm glad God is patient.


But that's a big deal. I'm glad you saw a positive step.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

User avatar
Ballad
Blanket on a secluded beach!
Posts: 1974
Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2009 6:32 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 4th, 2000
Gender: Male
Location: Chasing a rainbow

Re: Chapter Two

Postby Ballad » Sun Mar 18, 2012 8:50 am

Leah wrote:
Ballad wrote:I have an update of sorts. I went to church this morning!

My wife wasn't up to going, emotionally, so I went on my own. We both respected the other's choice, and neither of us felt it meant abandoning the other. That is real progress for both of us.

Pathetic that it has taken so long to get to this point, but I'm glad God is patient.


But that's a big deal. I'm glad you saw a positive step.

Thank you! Today made it two weeks in a row. I thought I sensed that my wife was preparing to try to talk me out of it this time, but she didn't. Possibly another positive.

It was a different congregation in town, and next week I would like to see about another one. At this point, the important thing is to re-establish the discipline of going. It seems so backwards, but I do not think it will be that way forever. I eventually want to make a connection to a specific fellowship, and I believe that will come in time.

"For Lent I gave up skipping church." :-D

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy W using Tapatalk
And what is the future, happy one?
'A sea beneath a cloudless sun;
A mighty, glorious, dazzling sea
Stretching into infinity.’

--Emily Brontë

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 16010
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: Chapter Two

Postby Leah » Thu Mar 21, 2013 6:22 am

*bumping to get book study back on track*
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use


Return to “Boundaries - the book”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users