Chapter Four

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Seekryt
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Chapter Four

Postby Seekryt » Wed Jan 20, 2010 4:00 pm

OK, I have a wuestion for the Boundaries Masters.

Right at the beginning of this chapter, the authors say:

No mater how much you talk to yourself, read, study, or practice, you can't develop or set boundaries apart from supportive relationships with God and others. Don't even try to start setting limits until you have entered into deep, abiding attachments with people who will love you no matter what.


I'm not getting this. I don't know about you guys, but I'm not sure I HAVE any safe people.

Since one of the major issues with a boundary-less person seems to be problems forming safe relationship with safe people, it sounds to me like I'm not ever supposed to get started. It's like ouroboros.

Am I reading this wrong? What am I missing?

It seemed a little incongruous with the rest of the chapter, which talks a lot about the development of boundaries as a child.

I'm not sure where I'm supposed to find anyone to love on me while I stretch my teensy little boundary wings.
Always know where your towel is.

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Leah
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Re: Chapter Four

Postby Leah » Wed Jan 20, 2010 6:32 pm

In Safe People, this thought is restated "Growth doesn't happen in a vacuum." I go to a group every week. Without fail. At first my SAnon group was safe because of the structure. Now my Boundaries group is safe. Very safe. We are safe because we have grown to be safe. That was a goal.

I can see why this is a problem for a lot of people--especially military folks or people in remote places. You might need to think about starting a group or working a little harder to find safe people.

I know on the flip side of this, I do not invest in people who are unsafe. At work, I keep my distance. I am courteous and offer appropriate sentiment, but I do not confide or be a confidante. Online, I make liberal use of the Ignore List. It's a boundary. When I don't have a choice, I go into the Elroy Bubble. I just don't let the bad come in. I can hear and respond, but I do not allow deathspeakers into my territory.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Seekryt
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Re: Chapter Four

Postby Seekryt » Mon Jan 25, 2010 9:28 pm

All righty, upon further reflection, I realized where I went wrong with this.

My brain equates safe people with perfect people.

AHA!

That's definitely wrong.

I don't have a LOT of safe people, but I have a few. Only one of them lives anywhere close to me, but that's going to have to be enough for now.

Interestingly, this in the flesh relationship was becoming a little burdensome for me recently. However, since starting to learn about boundaries, I think I've "settled" a bit, and she seems to be responding very positively. Yay for boundaries!
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Leah
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Re: Chapter Four

Postby Leah » Sat Jan 30, 2010 9:09 pm

And that's exactly the point. Safe people know they are not perfect. Safe people are invested in personal and spiritual growth and they know they need safe relationships to carry on the process.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Seekryt
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Re: Chapter Four

Postby Seekryt » Sat Jan 30, 2010 9:26 pm

So, I'm starting to "get it"? :D

Hallelujah, I can't tell you how much more work this is than I expected it to be. No, really. Anyone else feel the same way?

Honestly, I didn't spend too much time on this chapter, solely for the reason that Boundaries with Kids expands on it quite a bit, so I was satisfied that I had a grasp on the rest of it.
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Leah
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Re: Chapter Four

Postby Leah » Fri Feb 12, 2010 11:51 am

Going back to your opening question, Seekryt, here is one of the foundational truths of boundaries:


We are built for relationship. Attachment is the foundation of the soul's existence. When this foundation is cracked or faulty, boundaries becfome impossible to develop. Why? Because when we lack relationship, we have nowhere to go in a conflict. When we are not secure that we are loved, we are forced to choose between two bad options:

1. We set limits and risk losing a relationship.....
2. We don't set limits and remain a prisoner to the wishes of another....
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Re: Chapter Four

Postby ukFred » Sun Apr 11, 2010 9:46 am

Seekryt

I have only recently found (a) this site, and (b) this book.

I have been a member of a small group bible study group/fellowship group from church for about 6 years now. Because this group has sufficient mature Christians in it, I have a group of 'safe people' with whom I can work out some of these boundaries.

This group is pretty consistent, in that we have lost 2 and gained two over the six years. The two we 'lost' moved to other areas, and of the two we gained, one began coming to this church bible study on transfer of membership from another church and in the other started coming to a bible study when previously she did not come to any mid-week activities at all. If everyone is there, then we have eight. This is small enough to be able to share most things, but not too small that it becomes unviable if one person is away. (4 of the group are now retired). Even so, only 2 others know that I am working hard to save my marriage at the moment. My wife goes to another church bible study group, but I think that it is too big (18) and that is less of a fellowship group and more of a formal taught bible study.

Do you have similar small fellowship groups in your church tthat could provide you with safe people to work with? I am being honest and open with the people in the group and telling them about the book and what I am learning from it, althugh most don't know where the initial recommendation came from. I think that if you can introduce Boundaries to a group like this you can always do it as a case of "I would like to be more open and loving to you folks, but I realise that I have limited resources in terms of time and availablility. I am using the principles in this book so that those limited resources don't get spent on the wrong things. If you think I can help feel free to ask, but equally be aware that I might have to say 'No' and that does not mean that I am rejecting you as a person, just that I can't do what i really must do, and do what you would like me to do at the same time."

As the old comedian used to say, "It's the way I tell 'em"
Fred

UKFred.wordpress,com
Happy to be husband to the lovely Gabriella


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