Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

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Seekryt
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Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby Seekryt » Mon Mar 08, 2010 9:21 pm

In this chapter, we discuss 8 common boundary myths.

Shall we jump right in, and discuss Myth #1?

Myth 1 - If I Set Boundaries, I'm Being Selfish

I really, really avoided reading this book for a loooong time because of this. Cloud and Townsend make the point almost immediately that there is a difference between selfishness and stewardship.

I've really struggled with this one. I've been on the receiving end of a great deal of selfishness, as well as exhibiting my own, and I was terrified that adding boundaries to the mix would polarize our positions.
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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby jokerman » Mon Mar 08, 2010 9:29 pm

Myth #37 - I can have my own stash of chocolate bars.

Wrong. For a man to have a stash of chocolate, in either the home or the office, is just wrong. It must be shared with the spouse if she asks.

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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby Seekryt » Mon Mar 08, 2010 9:36 pm

WOOT! A breakthrough! Well done, joker. :mrgreen:
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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby Leah » Mon Mar 08, 2010 10:14 pm

Of course! Chocolate is meant to be shared.

I'll take the dark, please.
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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby ukFred » Fri Jun 04, 2010 3:03 am

Being serious again, -BTW thanks JM, that wass funny- the myth about being selfish if I set boundaries is usually used by the selfish and controlling people that you interact with, and the genuinely loving people encourage the setting of boundaries.
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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby Leah » Fri Jun 04, 2010 4:58 am

Ding.
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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby ukFred » Fri Jun 11, 2010 6:28 am

jokerman wrote:Myth #37 - I can have my own stash of chocolate bars.


Spouse is not the problem with the chocolate bars: #2 DD is the chocoholic (well almost).
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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby curlylocks » Wed Sep 22, 2010 9:56 pm

To be honest, that's why I was hesitant to read Boundaries too. One thing that I have learned about myself is that I am a codependent overfunctioner who never in my life, has really focused on myself or had proper boundaries for myself. I don't like using words such as "me," and "myself."

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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby Leah » Thu Sep 23, 2010 10:46 am

girlonfire wrote:Honestly, this is why I haven't read it.
I've probably got a misconception of the concept, but every time I have tried to apply something like boundaries (according to me) I come across to DH as a cold b*tch, and then he melts my heart with love and we end up talking about it and resolving the issue.
What are the other myths? I'm curious...


If you haven't read the book, then you don't understand the definition of boundaries (according to the authors). It really does no good to tell you common misconceptions about something you can't define in context.

Dr. Mom did an excellent analysis of Boundaries in Marriage, which you can find here.
Leah

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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby Leah » Fri Sep 24, 2010 7:00 pm

girlonfire wrote:Yes, that's what I was saying Leah - I don't understand the concept of boundaries, so when I tried to apply my own version of it, it was selfish!


Check out the book from the library and read it. If you don't think it's the way to go, then no harm done. We've been discussing the book all along. If you don't want to read the book, read all the threads. Seekryt's initial introduction is as good as it gets. It's the Boundaries--General thread.
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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby notaugustine » Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:51 am

Obviously there are boundaries that aren't selfish. But is it always a myth that boundaries are selfish?

Aren't there examples of Boundaries that really are selfishly motivated?

Can you think of any that are true in real life?

Are all boundaries necessarily non-selfish? Is the very definition of a boundary as something that is non-selfishly motivated?

If so, then what would you call a selfishly motivated boundary?

Finally, is it really that easy to sort out our motivations?

For example. I come home, I'm tired. Ive been at work helping people all day. Preparing for Sunday morning, praying and counseling with sick people, hurting people and fighting people. I've been in the thick of other peoples problems all day... My wife has also had a hard day. Something happened to her that was emotionally significant and it has been weighing on her all day. She really needs someone to talk to and to love on her and the longer she goes without talking about it, the worse she feels. She really wants her husband to take the time to sit down and talk with her. Part of me realizes that I'm running on empty and it would be challenging for me to mentally and emotionally engage her at the level she needs right now and so, at some level, saying "not right now" for that moment isn't selfish. However, there is also the personal desire to just have some down time and saying "not right now" just makes my life easier.

In real life, it isn't always one or the other. Sometimes it takes a little reflection to figure out what part of me is making a decision, or setting a boundary, for the right reasons and what part of me is doing so because it really makes my life easier.

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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby Seekryt » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:18 pm

I don't think you're quite understanding boundaries, na.

A boundary which puts you in a position of selfishness and out of relationship isn't a boundary - it's a wall.

With good boundaries, I can listen to my husband honestly tell me he can't hear any more at that moment and wait for a little while to share. Meanwhile, I go get him a drink and rub his shoulders. With good boundaries, he can honestly tell me he can't take any more right then, and allow me the opportunity to believe him and also to minister to him.

Boundaries are about building relationship, and self-control and love and patience.
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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby curlylocks » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:29 pm

To add onto what Seekryt is saying, boundaries-- proper ones-- also help put you in check personally too. When my DH comes home and vents to me about a guy at work he doesn't like--which he does often--I listen to his frustrations and don't belittle the way he feels. But at the same time when he starts speaking about the guy in a denigrating manner I tell DH that he needs to speak about another person properly if he wants me to listen. DH has also checked me in the same way too, and I can't get angry about that.

In terms of selfishness, wouldn't a better way to handle that situation you mentioned NA is to tell your wife "honey I know we've both had a hard day. I really do want to listen, so can I have 15 minutes or so just to recollect myself? I promise after that we can talk."

I've been having health issues and once tried to talk to DH about them. He said "I really do want to hear about this and I do care, but right now I need to take some time to finish things up. After that, you can tell me." That was completely fine with me. I didn't interpret it as selfish. If DH had said "gosh you're always telling me about something, can't you at least give me a minute?" I would have reacted differently.

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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby Seekryt » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:36 pm

Good job, curlylocks. I actually came back to add in something about how boundaries are also about respect, but instead, you illustrated it neatly. :lol:

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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby curlylocks » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:48 pm

My psychologist and I have been discussing boundaries-- A LOT.

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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby mamame » Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:11 pm

high five for curylocks!!!!

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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby Leah » Wed Oct 27, 2010 4:22 pm

I totally agree with everyone. Notaugustine, your fatigue and need to recharge are legitimate. It is not selfish to say, "May I have an hour to shower and have some iced tea? I will be ready to hear about your day after I've had a little while to myself." From my own perspective, I wish people would do that more often. I would personally prefer that a friend/spouse is present in the moment than to have him halfheartedly listening and then responding with something cranky and snippy. Unless there are sirens and someone's bleeding, my problems can wait an hour.

I have no problem saying, "I can hear you now, but it will go much better after I've put the groceries away."
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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby notaugustine » Sat Nov 13, 2010 12:35 pm

curlylocks wrote:To add onto what Seekryt is saying, boundaries-- proper ones-- also help put you in check personally too.

Actually, according to Cloud and Townsend, the primary reason for boundaries are to keep us personally in check. Though, I would say that when most people think of boundaries, they are thinking not so much of self-discipline but of a need to insulate themselves from the lack of self discipline of those around them.

I think that this has contributed to what C&T have observed went wrong with their theory.

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Re: Chapter Six - Common Boundary Myths

Postby Leah » Thu Mar 21, 2013 10:29 am

notaugustine wrote:
curlylocks wrote:To add onto what Seekryt is saying, boundaries-- proper ones-- also help put you in check personally too.

Actually, according to Cloud and Townsend, the primary reason for boundaries are to keep us personally in check. Though, I would say that when most people think of boundaries, they are thinking not so much of self-discipline but of a need to insulate themselves from the lack of self discipline of those around them.

I think that this has contributed to what C&T have observed went wrong with their theory.


I'm inclined to agree with you. A lot of people read the book and say, "This stuff does not work," but they have not done what they could to bring about the changes they need to make for themselves.


Last bumped by Leah on Thu Mar 21, 2013 10:29 am.
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