For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Chapter by chapter discussion of the book Boundaries.
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mamame
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby mamame » Tue Oct 22, 2013 8:01 pm

I would just start watching and praying for God to reveal people to you. You would see very little boundaries in public with us. Once it's working well all you see is respect.

....posted from phone

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Hiswifeagain
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Hiswifeagain » Wed Oct 23, 2013 4:20 am

Leah wrote:No, I meant about your relationships and background.

Is there someone at work or church who looks or feels healthy to you?


The only person that comes to mind his our Chief Pastor's wife. I don't know her very well, but having talked with her some at bible study, it seems she probably has good boundaries.

ETA: That's IRL. I know a few people that I've met online that seem to have good boundaries, but I'm not sure if that counts or not.
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Hiswifeagain
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Hiswifeagain » Wed Oct 23, 2013 5:00 am

mamame wrote:I would just start watching and praying for God to reveal people to you. You would see very little boundaries in public with us. Once it's working well all you see is respect.

....posted from phone


I will pray about this. I'm not sure what you mean by "Once it's working well all you see is respect."

I have trouble asking for help or "bothering" people. My dh has told me it's because of my pride and he's probably right. I think part of my issue is I feel unworthy of taking someone's time or attention. I have been told I have a tendency to be selfish and I really want to overcome that. I feel like asking for something for myself (time, attention, help, etc) is selfish. I have always felt that way to some degree, but since I walked out of my marriage in 2002, it's been even more prevalent. What I did was about as selfish as it gets.

I didn't think of myself as selfish before I met my husband. I was raised to believe it's "rude" to ask for things. If you want something you need to get it yourself. You make it happen. Then when I met my dh he told me that getting what you want is selfish. It's better to do for others and not think of yourself. I'm 47 now and met my husband when I was 17. Since then I've gone back and forth between thinking "don't be selfish" and "if you want something, make it happen".
I am struggling to find balance in all things.

Accepting Jesus as my Savior has made me a different person, but I still struggle with the consequences of who I was before. It seems every time I think I've forgiven myself, I'm confronted with things I've done in the past and the guilt I feel about it. I'm afraid that deep down maybe I'm still just as bad as I was before. I think I've repented about as much as I can, but what if I haven't? This is probably a faith issue and their are times when I don't feel this way, but I can't seem to keep myself there.

I don't know how to reconcile my new self with my old self. Like if I really let go of that old self I'm not accepting responsibility for what I've done.

Sorry for going on and on here. I will do as you suggested though and thanks for replying.
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Leah » Wed Oct 23, 2013 5:17 am

What you were raised in was a very selfish view of life and relationship.

When you have a relationship with someone, there is give and take, and spending time together. You can't do that in your own.

Look for people who seem to have healthy boundaries. Press into that relationship a little bit and see what happens. Just go for coffee. Take a power walk. Talk about kids, jobs, the Fall Festival. Just have a conversation. See what happens.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Hiswifeagain
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Hiswifeagain » Wed Oct 23, 2013 5:55 am

Leah wrote:What you were raised in was a very selfish view of life and relationship.

When you have a relationship with someone, there is give and take, and spending time together. You can't do that in your own.

Look for people who seem to have healthy boundaries. Press into that relationship a little bit and see what happens. Just go for coffee. Take a power walk. Talk about kids, jobs, the Fall Festival. Just have a conversation. See what happens.


Thanks. I'll try that.
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

mamame
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby mamame » Wed Oct 23, 2013 6:10 am

If you are looking for someone with good boundaries - that's what might be hard to see. I don't think most people would see my boundaries. They would see me doting on and spoiling my husband. But it's actually my boundaries that let me do that with a joyful heart.

I'd urge you to really work through your feelings about the past. They can easily become the tool the enemy uses to manipulate us. I'm glad you posted about it. It sheds light into what drives you. If you are feeling like you have to do everything just right to make up for the past - you are trying to walk with one leg shackled to the past. There's no room for that in your marriage.
A technique I use is taking time to notice my internal dialog. I believe this is how we take every thought captive. I had a lot of negative self talk. Most of it false. I learned to evaluate those thoughts.
Thought: they were short with you... you must have done something to upset them
Eval: maybe, or maybe it was 100 other things. Not enough evidence.
Then I throw out that thought they are upset with me. The only actual information I have is that they were a little short tempered. It's not my job to make a judgement about why. I also send up a quick prayer asking God to reveal anything I woukd need to know or address.
Then I move on. If the worry comes up I remind myself that God will let me know if I need to do anything.
Even if I have to remind myself 100 times.

....posted from phone

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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Hiswifeagain » Wed Oct 23, 2013 6:56 am

mamame wrote:If you are looking for someone with good boundaries - that's what might be hard to see. I don't think most people would see my boundaries. They would see me doting on and spoiling my husband. But it's actually my boundaries that let me do that with a joyful heart.

I'd urge you to really work through your feelings about the past. They can easily become the tool the enemy uses to manipulate us. I'm glad you posted about it. It sheds light into what drives you. If you are feeling like you have to do everything just right to make up for the past - you are trying to walk with one leg shackled to the past. There's no room for that in your marriage.
A technique I use is taking time to notice my internal dialog. I believe this is how we take every thought captive. I had a lot of negative self talk. Most of it false. I learned to evaluate those thoughts.
Thought: they were short with you... you must have done something to upset them
Eval: maybe, or maybe it was 100 other things. Not enough evidence.
Then I throw out that thought they are upset with me. The only actual information I have is that they were a little short tempered. It's not my job to make a judgement about why. I also send up a quick prayer asking God to reveal anything I woukd need to know or address.
Then I move on. If the worry comes up I remind myself that God will let me know if I need to do anything.
Even if I have to remind myself 100 times.

....posted from phone


Good advice and it's probably true sometimes. But often when I think he's short with me because he's upset with me he is and he tells me why. What's difficult is to know how much weight I should give it. I realized that at home I'm making so many decisions based on what his reaction will be. There are things I do that I believe are fine or good even, but he thinks that means it's more important to me than he is. Like I'd prefer to spend time doing something else.

I believe he has his own insecurities and when I try to not take responsibility for his feelings then we grow more distant and I end up going back to the old pattern of making decisions based on what his response is likely to be. Trying to find the balance is causing me some great stress because I'm supposed to adapt/submit/obey him.

I'm trying to figure out how to be myself and not just his wife. Things have been pretty chilly on and off because of this. I want to make choices because it's the right choice, not because if I do this or don't do that he's going to be upset with me. So sometimes I choose something I know he won't like (reading email/blogs) because I know the only reason I'm not is because I'm worried about his disapproval. It seems to get into the doormat category when I tell myself "A good wife wouldn't even want to read an email when her husband is home."

This is really terrible, but sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with a child clamoring for my every second and at other times he's the best husband ever. The best husband times are when I'm making pretty much every decision based on what I think he will want. So I need to develop boundaries for myself. So I can say no to myself for the right reason. I just don't think I can do that if I'm using his reactions as my gauge. Does that make sense?

That desire to be me and feeling his disapproval when I do was a huge problem in our marriage before. I came to Christ while we were divorced. I have been growing into a new person because of my relationship with Jesus and I was okay with that person. But somehow fell back into that same pattern of needing his approval again. I'm trying to learn new ways, but I'm not sure how to handle the growing pains. I want to honor God in all that I do and I'm just not sure what that looks like right now.
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Leah
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Leah » Wed Oct 23, 2013 7:02 am

Hiswifeagain wrote:
Leah wrote:What you were raised in was a very selfish view of life and relationship.

When you have a relationship with someone, there is give and take, and spending time together. You can't do that in your own.

Look for people who seem to have healthy boundaries. Press into that relationship a little bit and see what happens. Just go for coffee. Take a power walk. Talk about kids, jobs, the Fall Festival. Just have a conversation. See what happens.


Thanks. I'll try that.


Some time in the next two weeks come back and tell us how this went.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Hiswifeagain
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Hiswifeagain » Wed Oct 23, 2013 8:33 am

Leah wrote:
Hiswifeagain wrote:
Leah wrote:What you were raised in was a very selfish view of life and relationship.

When you have a relationship with someone, there is give and take, and spending time together. You can't do that in your own.

Look for people who seem to have healthy boundaries. Press into that relationship a little bit and see what happens. Just go for coffee. Take a power walk. Talk about kids, jobs, the Fall Festival. Just have a conversation. See what happens.


Thanks. I'll try that.


Some time in the next two weeks come back and tell us how this went.


I will try, but I'll have to find someone to have a relationship with first. I'm starting a new bible study on the 29th. Perhaps I'll meet someone there. I am quite outgoing in groups, but don't make friends easily so it will be awkward for me. I can count on 2 or 3 fingers the times I've asked someone to go for coffee or something. Perhaps it's fear of rejection :?
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Leah
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Leah » Wed Oct 23, 2013 9:14 am

Take money with you to Bible study so if anyone asks you to coffee you can go.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Hiswifeagain
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Hiswifeagain » Wed Oct 23, 2013 9:26 am

Leah wrote:Take money with you to Bible study so if anyone asks you to coffee you can go.


That's a good idea. I'll do that. Maybe I'll be brave and just ask someone. The worst that could happen is they say "no" and I'll have to quit the bible study :lol: Just kidding.
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3


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