For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Chapter by chapter discussion of the book Boundaries.
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For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Leah » Sat Sep 25, 2010 4:10 pm

For all you Boundaries veterans out there: What do you think is the biggest mistake people make when trying to implement boundary principles?



#1 on my list:

Cloud and Townsend say that all boundaries must be tested in the light of relationship. I think the biggest mistake people make is the failure to develop a real life support system.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Seekryt » Sat Sep 25, 2010 4:43 pm

Well, I don't think I'm a veteran, but mine would be:

Using Boundaries as a weapon. Formulating and implementing boundaries as a way of controlling others rather than yourself.

Guilty!
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Leah » Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:06 pm

Another one: Not enforcing the bottom line. Cloud and Townsend say that a boundary lover will be willing to risk the anger of the boundary buster.
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Leah » Sun Sep 26, 2010 9:27 am

I think this is #3 on my list: Expecting miracles over night. It takes a lot of time, processing, growth, and sticktoitiveness for boundaries to take effect. Once that boundary is developed, the other people in my life have to run into it a few times before the get it. I have to stay committed to having boundaries until they become part of me.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby mamame » Sun Sep 26, 2010 10:16 am

I'm raising my hand to all of those.

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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby ukFred » Sat Dec 11, 2010 3:05 pm

My biggest problem is chickening out when I ought to be firm about my boundaries. But this is more in my professional life than in my marriage.
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Searcher » Sat Jan 01, 2011 7:17 am

ukFred wrote:My biggest problem is chickening out when I ought to be firm about my boundaries.


I think this is a major problem that I have had.

Fear drives most of my mistakes.

I'm currently in a place in my life where I'm having to practice speaking up for myself around others. I just hate so much the thought of someone being angry or that I might make them feel uncomfortable or hurt. I avoid conflict like the plague. Shaun Groves recently wrote about this in his blog. One of the points he made was that giving in to others to avoid conflict is not peace; it is allowing tension, unfairness, or sin to continue without solving anything.

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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Seekryt » Sat Jan 01, 2011 1:44 pm

Searcher wrote:
ukFred wrote:My biggest problem is chickening out when I ought to be firm about my boundaries.


I think this is a major problem that I have had.

Fear drives most of my mistakes.

I'm currently in a place in my life where I'm having to practice speaking up for myself around others. I just hate so much the thought of someone being angry or that I might make them feel uncomfortable or hurt. I avoid conflict like the plague. Shaun Groves recently wrote about this in his blog. One of the points he made was that giving in to others to avoid conflict is not peace; it is allowing tension, unfairness, or sin to continue without solving anything.


Maybe stepping back a level would help. Sometimes when I get nervous about a boundary, I realize that I need to take a smaller step.
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Leah » Sat Jan 01, 2011 1:56 pm

This is another time when I think practice makes perfect. I practice the conversation until it is automatic.
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby ukFred » Tue Aug 30, 2011 2:36 pm

I had a great help in this when I found a video by Henry Cloud, about 8 minutes long, called the process of dealing with a fool. It is more about leadership than marriage, but it really is good and I would recommend it to everyone. The point that struck me most forcibly was the reminder from Ezekiel that if we fail to warn the fool, then the responsibility for their folly lies with the person who should have warned the fool.
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Ballad » Wed Aug 31, 2011 1:07 pm

Hmm... I'd forgotten that one. Probably don't crack the Old Testament as often as I should.

Working on this would be extremely challenging for me, because I have a self-boundary problem with judging people harshly and then being quick to let them know I don't think they measure up. How to be sensitive to when that is my motivation, and when my motivation is to provide correction that someone genuinely needs?
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Leah » Wed Aug 31, 2011 2:56 pm

Ballad wrote:Hmm... I'd forgotten that one. Probably don't crack the Old Testament as often as I should.

Working on this would be extremely challenging for me, because I have a self-boundary problem with judging people harshly and then being quick to let them know I don't think they measure up. How to be sensitive to when that is my motivation, and when my motivation is to provide correction that someone genuinely needs?


If it's not a life-and-death issue, then I keep quiet and process before I come back to address it. Either I will spend time thinking and praying about it or I will do that plus talk to other boundary lovers to perhaps role play or see what the experience of others has been. Sometimes another person has had a similar experience and will have valuable insight.

When I process, I take time to list my "talking points." How much of it is just my personal attitude, and how much is of genuine concern in this situation? What are the bare bones of the issue? Do I need to edit my concerns so as not to overwhelm the other person?
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Mark 9:24 » Fri Sep 02, 2011 9:59 am

One of these days I have to read this book.
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby ukFred » Fri Sep 02, 2011 4:57 pm

Mark

If you are having trouble finding the time to read the book, but do a lot of driving, maybe you might want to listen to the CD version in your car.

Seriously, I think that the information from Messrs C & T in this book is so good that it ought to be compulsory reading in High School for everyone. I am thankful that I have read it, that God gave Drs Cloud and Townsend the inspiration to write it, and that I can apply what I have learned from the book to so many areas of my life. I get it wrong at times, but I am more in control than I was before and I know that it is me getting things wrong.
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby ukFred » Fri Sep 02, 2011 5:02 pm

Searcher wrote:I avoid conflict like the plague. Shaun Groves recently wrote about this in his blog. One of the points he made was that giving in to others to avoid conflict is not peace; it is allowing tension, unfairness, or sin to continue without solving anything.


I seem to remember from the dim and distant past being taught that there can be no peace without justice. Avoidance of conflict is not peace, it is allowing oneself to be used a doormat, but after enough provocation, the worm will turn because eventually the injustices will be so great that they will be insufferable.
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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Hiswifeagain » Tue Oct 22, 2013 3:32 pm

Leah wrote:For all you Boundaries veterans out there: What do you think is the biggest mistake people make when trying to implement boundary principles?



#1 on my list:

Cloud and Townsend say that all boundaries must be tested in the light of relationship. I think the biggest mistake people make is the failure to develop a real life support system.


I know this is a really old thread, but new to me. I'm eating humble pie here with this whole boundaries thing and I so I'm asking for your help. :oops:

How do I develop a support system when it seems nobody I know has boundaries?
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Leah » Tue Oct 22, 2013 6:24 pm

Would you please describe what you mean?
Leah

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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Hiswifeagain » Tue Oct 22, 2013 6:58 pm

Leah wrote:Would you please describe what you mean?


I was never taught about boundaries growing up. You did what you were told and you don't say no it would be rude. My husband was raised without boundaries either. Lots of rules and don't be selfish and don't even think about being proud of yourself.

I don't really have friends outside of family. None of us seem to have boundaries. (Don't say no, do it or you're selfish/rude and then resent the heck out of the person asking).

I mentioned in other threads I wasn't raised in church, my husband wasn't raised in a typical church (home type church, sort of) and only starting going last February. I volunteer in the cafe and I've attended a couple of bible studies, but haven't really made real friends.

I don't belong to a recovery group of any kind. I don't socialize with the people I work with.

So I'm trying to figure out who would be a support group. I was planning to start working on boundaries for myself first, so maybe I don't need one yet? I'm kinda a do-it-yourselfer, give me a book to read and I'll fix it myself kinda gal. The book says you can't do it that way so I'm not sure what to do next.

Not it's clear as mud right :lol:
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Hiswifeagain » Tue Oct 22, 2013 7:01 pm

Leah wrote:Would you please describe what you mean?


Or perhaps you were referring to my comment about eating humble pie? I said in a different thread I didn't believe in boundaries (in regards to my relationship with my dh). Someone suggested asking you about boundaries, but I thought I didn't need any help. :oops: :oops:

So I'm eating humble pie by asking for help.
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Re: For Boundaries Veterans: Biggest Mistakes

Postby Leah » Tue Oct 22, 2013 7:24 pm

No, I meant about your relationships and background.

Is there someone at work or church who looks or feels healthy to you?
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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