Getting The Ball Rolling in Ch 9

Chapter by chapter discussion of the book Boundaries.
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Vae
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Getting The Ball Rolling in Ch 9

Postby Vae » Fri Aug 10, 2012 3:27 am

I picked up the eBook version last week, and I'm making my way through it as quickly as time permits. I just hit chapter 9. I thought it might be time to try my hand at establishing a boundary in my marriage.

DW and I are due for another MC session in a few days. I've exchanged emails with the counselor, and one of the topics on the table will be the secrecy in which DW shrouds her affairs.

In session, it will only take a matter of minutes before DW begins "managing" the facts. When that happens, I'd like to lay a clear boundary about how much of that I'm willing to accept. I've come up with this statement ....

"I get distressed and upset when you are secretive or misleading about your extramarital affairs. I can't concentrate when I feel that way, so the next time you are secretive or misleading, I will leave the office for five minutes. It's up to you. I will only participate in counseling when you are forthcoming and truthful. Make up your mind and choose."

Is this a good boundary? On one hand, I can't deny that I'd like DW to completely and honestly spill the beans in the interest of healing. But....I wonder if I'm using a boundary to try and control her...?

At the same time, I can't sit there while she manipulates the facts. Just thinking about it gets me ready to blow a gasket, and the session is a week away.

Standing up and walking to the waiting room seems grandstandish, but I can't think of another consequence which gets me out of there before I blow, while at he same time giving a clear consequence which can't be ignored.

Thank you --

(I'll be an active participant of this section while I wind my way through the book....)

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Leah
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Re: Getting The Ball Rolling

Postby Leah » Fri Aug 10, 2012 4:42 am

You are expressing the boundary well. You are using "I" statements and the boundaries are about what you are willing to do. Your wife still has the choice to lie, but she will do it on her own.

Does the counselor know what your actions represent? Because while I think your actions will communicate a lot to your wife, the counselor deserves to know what your actions mean. Indeed, the counselor needs to know what you are saying because effective counseling should be taking place in a climate of truth.
Last edited by Leah on Tue Aug 14, 2012 5:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Getting The Ball Rolling

Postby mamame » Fri Aug 10, 2012 6:18 am

What do you say when she starts "managing" the facts? How does your counselor respond?

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Vae
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Re: Getting The Ball Rolling

Postby Vae » Mon Aug 13, 2012 11:02 pm

Leah wrote:Does the counselor know your wmisrepresent? Because while I think your actions will communicate a lot to your wife, the counselor deserves to know what your actions mean. Indeed, the counselor needs to know what you are saying because effective counseling should be taking place in a climate of truth.

Leah, here's the thing. From the word, "GO," I haven't been able to get any marriage counselor to undergo a substantive review of the affairs and conduct which brought us to our current situation. The pastor, either. To a "T," they've wanted to wash away the past, and set our focus on the present and future.

The problem is that DW is either blindly stuck in a fog over those details, or she is gaslighting everyone around her for her own purposes, or a little bit of both. She's dug into her perception of events tighter than an Alabama tick.

MC #2, who was my IC for over a year before commencing joint sessions, was very sympathetic...until we began joint sessions. :(

Our current MC has not wanted to even explore the past because DW and I light off a hissy fit in her office every time the subject comes up. You know the drill -- I express emphatically, DW deflects with lies, I become more emphatic, she escalates, or clams up, whichever suits her. Round and round we go. The net gain is zero and we're out $$$ for the session.

My current IC is very sympathetic, has a great handle on DW's game .... but he steadfastly refuses repeated pleas for a joint session.

There's my challenge -- getting this stuff out in the light of day. Clearing the fog. Without [ticking] off DW and killing the session and disturbing the balance at home.

I'm being played. I can't figure out 1> to what end, and 2> how to cut through all this BS and get on with the business of healing our marriage.


(This is not to say that our sessions are a complete waste. As long as we pussyfoot around the land mines, we accomplish a little bit of good with each session. Our MC is clearly trying to help DW see that I'm being authentic about my desires for our relationship.)

(This topic has morphed into one for the infidelity forum ---- sorry about that!)


mamame wrote:What do you say when she starts "managing" the facts? How does your counselor respond?


Heh, see above :) :) :)

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Leah
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Re: Getting The Ball Rolling

Postby Leah » Tue Aug 14, 2012 5:20 am

What does your IC recommend? What does the MC recommend. Have you talked about the issue with him/her?

I think you hold the line. However, you need to keep your emotions in check. Counseling is not just about sorting through feelings. It's about letting thie truth be told. Truth can't be told if feelings get in the way.
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Re: Getting The Ball Rolling

Postby ukFred » Wed Aug 15, 2012 2:18 pm

I agree with Leah that these are good boundaries, well expressed.

I am not certain whether the opinion of any counsellor, other than your individual counsellor, really matters. I would be tempted to hi-jack the start of the next session and say that you have established certain boundaries, and the boundaries will not work if they are not communicated,. Explain the boundaries, and then do what you say if you need to. At all costs, once you have stated what your boundaries are, do not let anyone then talk you out of doing what you say you are going to do.
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