Just read Boundries

Chapter by chapter discussion of the book Boundaries.
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FaithLikeAbigail
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Re: Just read Boundries

Postby FaithLikeAbigail » Sun Jul 26, 2015 4:09 pm

I am working on my reply.

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Re: Just read Boundries

Postby FaithLikeAbigail » Mon Jul 27, 2015 5:39 pm

My goal is that I can be positive, sexually available, and fun. Regardless of his actions. Of course there are other things I want to work on, but for now I guess I feel that's my goal. For a long time I felt that I could not be those things because it was rewarding his bad behavior, but now I want, and know I can be all of that no matter how he is acting. I want to be able to stand up for myself without feeling it's my responsibility to fix or change him. I just want to be the wife I know Jehovah God wants me to be. I have been studying Jesus ministry, and have been trying to focas on his mental attitude. That's what I want!

We had a really serious talk last night. He told me he had not felt there was an "us" for a very long time, but now he dose not even sure he can live with me. He thinks I put him last on my list. He also said that it's not like the old days when sex made him feel better.

I know our marriage is on rocky ground. We have made it 15 years because we know us staying together is God's plan, marriage is sacred.

The trouble is that he seems to focas on my weak points. It's hard to feel like I can make things better when he dose not notice what I do right.

That's why I feel I should focas on the above mentioned.

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Re: Just read Boundries

Postby FaithLikeAbigail » Thu Jul 30, 2015 9:12 am

I am happy to report that I have definitely seen some very positive changes. Last night DH tried to take our boat ou with the kids, for the last week it has had batterie problems. He came to me with a list of complaints, he went on for a bit then looked at me and said I am just frusterated. I told him that I was glad he was talking to me about his feelings, I just wanted him to know that he was right, the little things feel like big things when your already frustrated. I told him that some of the things on his list are things I can help with.

I know that he realized that he was trying to blame me for all the added stress, but knew that was not right. I also know there are things that I need to be better about. I am so bad about following through with things. I get distracted, I am not feeling well, I just plain don't remember even having agreed to something. A big part of this is stemming from my health problems, brain fog is a tough thing to live with. Also I have some very bad habits, that's something that I need to figure out how to work on consistently.

I realize what a huge difference my attitude makes when it comes to sex. For the past year or so I believed I was being sexually available. Unless I was honestly too sick I did not say no. There is a HUGE difference between not saying no, and saying yes.

For the last 12 days I have shown him I am not only willing, but enthusiastic about sex. Even when he was too tired, or just not feeling into having sex, or I was on my period I would give him a HJ. He has gotten more HJ's in the last week or so than in the last couple years. It was just not a big thing for us, I am not really into them, and he would rather have OS. OS is physically challenging for me, and honestly not worth is for either of us. I can do it, but my body pays dearly (most of the time), he knows I will be in pain and it takes the fun out of it.

Last night he was tired, and moody. I asked if he would say prayer, and pray about our MB, he has never been into praying about sex. I listed off a few reasons he should(in a light playful tone) it just made him grumpy. I asked if he wanted sex, not really, a HJ? No response, I said I bet you will sleep better. He agreed. After, he said" that was very nice", and asked "did I had fun"( yet another big thing, sex very often us not fun for me. It makes me ill, I need to plan my intire day around it. It's stressful. Not fun) I told him I like being nice to him. I could tell that he appreciated it, but was hoping for a different response.

I told him if the lights were on I would be able to see what I was doing and would probably enjoy it more, that I like making him happy, but it's just not something that gets my juices flowing. He seemed content with that response.

So things I have learned,

1, He wants me to be enthusiastic about each sexual encounter and enjoy my self.( I am working on the enthusiasm, the physical enjoyment factor is very dependent on my health. Emotional enjoyment is in my control)
2, It's not just about the sex, he wants to talk about it, and be sure it was a shared experience. ( in the past this would have been a issue for me, again "I am not doing anything righy, having sex is not enough, you still want more, what's wrong with me?" Or "why is he so demanding, I can never make him happy", we would both be upset, he would say I ruin everything with negativity, I would feel taken advantage of)
3, He dose not like praying about sex( we hace to fix this one pronto). I am very tempted to put on a head covering and show him how I pray about sex. I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable with this idea. But I know if he were sick and unable to pray it would be right for me to pray with him then, is spiritual sickness the same? I will be talking to my Elders about this one. Prayer and Headship are tricky ones.

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Re: Just read Boundries

Postby Leah » Thu Jul 30, 2015 10:32 am

Boundaries are for you. I would suggest that it not be a means for you to try to train or lead your husband. Everything doesn't need to be a big discussion.

If your husband does not want to pray about something, then that is his choice. Please give him space to choose what he wants to do. It feels disrespectful to me to consider going to the elders about something in your marriage that seems to be improving. I get that you want it all fixed right now, but if you believe h/s, then you have to give this over and not try to be in charge of everything.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Re: Just read Boundries

Postby FaithLikeAbigail » Thu Jul 30, 2015 5:06 pm

Absolutely, this is about me. I hope how he responds to me is a reflection of the positive changes I am making. Or more importantly how I respond back to him when I don't get the reaction I am looking for. I have to be sure that I am being accountable for my feelings and reactions, it's just too easy to get into a bad head space because "he" did something, or did not do something. I want to be happy and positive and working on the things I need to because it's what God wants me to do. I sure do hope my changes will inspire him to make changes as well.

My ultimate goal is that I am the best Spiritual Daughter, Wife, Mother and friend ect that I can be. I sure hope that my actions have positive ripples in the people around me. But if not that dose not mean I have a reason to stop growing, I am doing this for Jehovah, that is my main focas.

I have a completely open dialog with my Elders, if I have questions or concerns about anything I go to them. My Husband has the same opportunity.

I definitely jump in with both feet, its usualy DH that sorta reins me in when I get over enthusiastic. I am not sure that will work here. That's another reson for talking with the Elders, they know our history, they know me. I trust and respect them to help me stay on course. We had an example at our Convention about neighborhood kids denting your car with a ball, you don't wait until they break a window to talk with them about it. That's how our Elders would like us to interact, don't wait until there is something big, get help with the small stuff so it dose not get big.

I know I have had a negative impact on my Husbands spiritual growth. Not excusing him at all, but I could have made it easier for him if I had given him more time and space( at least thats how I see it). I do believe in Headship, it's just the hardest part for me. I feel like I swing from one extremely to the other.

I guess the only way I know how to see personal progress is in my attitude tword spiritualy, and my interactions with the people close to me. Their reactions to me tell me so much about how I am doing. Sometimes I can feel I am doing well, but then I can tell I need to make an a just ment because of how someone responds.

Thankyou for your time and input. I have my counseling appointment tomorrow , I have my Elders, and I have a friend I am planning on talking to. Between all of this I hope I have all the support I need. Of course God is my main strength, obviously he wants me to use all tools available to fix this.

Thanks again.

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Re: Just read Boundries

Postby Leah » Sat Aug 08, 2015 6:24 pm

Chris1971 wrote:I have a completely open dialog with my Elders, if I have questions or concerns about anything I go to them. My Husband has the same opportunity.


The point I am making to you is that conversations with elders should be about things only you can change. They are not a reason to tattle on your husband, as would be the case if you talked to them about anything regarding him. Unless he is sinning in a way that deprives you of food, shelter, and sleep, or if he is physically injuring you, then you need to be quiet and pray that you will grow to adapt.

And 12 days is not a life change. "Trying" to do something and actually having it become part of your character and practice is the difference between doing something in your own strength and allowing the Lord to transform you from within.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Re: Just read Boundries

Postby FaithLikeAbigail » Tue Aug 11, 2015 3:59 pm

I suppose we have a different perspective on my relationships with my Elders, I feel open to talk to them about everything. If I am struggling with an issue or need help handling a situation, or if I see another person who needs support I go to them. That could be my children, a friend or my Husband. If something is important I will pray. If after I pray I still feel it's important than I believe holy spirit is helping me make the right choices. I will ask my Elders for help, I never view this at tatteling, I am coming from a place of love and concern, it appropriate.

You are very right about all of this being fresh for me, it will definitely take time for all of these changes to become a part if who I truly am. That is a big reason I am focusing on my support network. It's far to easy to slip back into old habits.

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Re: Just read Boundries

Postby Leah » Tue Aug 11, 2015 4:40 pm

I do not think it is a matter of perspective to talk to outsiders, even pastors or elders, because a husband will not agree to pray about sex.

If you believe in a headship marriage, then you believe in letting your husband lead without running ahead of him and point out how he is not leading. He's leading.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Re: Just read Boundries

Postby Hiswifeagain » Tue Aug 11, 2015 6:00 pm

Chris,
I think it's great that you care about your dh's spiritual life so much. You obviously really love him based on all the work you're doing on yourself to honor him in your sexual relationship.

I suspect that going to the elders about him not praying would be viewed as disrespect by a husband. I think it would indicate to him that you don't trust him or have confidence in his leadership ability. While that may possibly be true that a wife feels that way, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's true that he lacks leadership ability if he's not leading the way she thinks he should.

Before I went through the Respect Dare I had this idea of how leadership should look. I read about what godly husbands do and when it seemed mine wasn't doing the same, I assumed he wasn't leading. Remember that whole "comparing is despairing" saying? I think there is much truth in that.

If your husband is being deficient in his leadership by not praying or doing devotions with you, God already knows and He hears your prayers. Sometimes it's good to have to wait on His timing as it helps us build patience and faith, don't you think? :)

You're doing such an excellent job in affirming him sexually, it would be a shame to have it diminished by his feeling disrespected by you bringing this to the elders. Even if you don't tell him and they say they won't tell, things have a way of coming to light. I would really urge caution with this. :)
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Re: Just read Boundries

Postby FaithLikeAbigail » Wed Aug 12, 2015 12:40 pm

I think this is a point, I will have to agree to disagree. I feel 100% confident that I will always be in the right if I pray about a decision, then move forward in accordance with my prayers. It may very well be that my Elders give me the advice to be patient. I definitely trust their judgment, as they know our history. I have no concern about my DH finding out, he knows I speak to them, just as I know when he dose.

There is a difference in the way I would like him to lead, and the way he dose. It's not because I am wrong. He is fully aware that he is not living up to his role, there is no lack of clarity for either of us in that regard.

I do know that my attitude has played a role in stunting his spiritual progress. Its not an excuse for him not leading, but I owned up to the fact I had the chance to build him up, but instead tore him down. I don't do well with having to shoulder most of the responsibility then having him pop in with demands of how he wants me to handle them. This is something I have worked very hard on overy the last few years. I am very happy to say that have been able to let go of the bitterness I held onto for so long.

Now I am able to move forward with joy and a happy spirit, it has made all the difference in the world. I am not waiting on his behavior to make me happy, and he is not digging in his heels because I am nagging.

I do appreciate your perspective on this.

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Re: Just read Boundries

Postby Leah » Wed Aug 12, 2015 7:11 pm

Part of Boundaries is being teachable and willing to look within to see if there is anything that needs to be brought into the light and examined before the Lord. Our forum rules also ask members to come with a teachable heart.

I'll drop out of your discussion now.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Re: Just read Boundries

Postby FaithLikeAbigail » Wed Aug 12, 2015 7:18 pm

Most definitely, that's why I have bringing this before God in prayer. I will continue to do so, and follow where the holey spirit leads me.

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Re: Just read Boundries

Postby Unfulfilled » Tue Aug 18, 2015 10:17 am

^^^^

I understand following the Holy Spirit.

But how do you discern between the HS leading and speaking to you, and your own human free will bias????

I've always wondered about that. Is it the HS speaking to me, or is it my own wishful thinking leading me to want I wanted to do all along????

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Re: Just read Boundries

Postby FaithLikeAbigail » Tue Aug 18, 2015 3:54 pm

That can be a tricky spot. I have found that if I am truly following holy spirt there are continual nudging in a certin direction. My free will seems to compell me much more forcefully. The holy spirt wispers, my free will tends to yell. That's a clear warning sign for me.

I also find that scripture tend to be more clear, when I am working in accordance with my prayers. I feel a sense of being uncomfortable. Unfortunately for me following the lead of holy spirit tends to go aginst my natural inclination.

If my actions are on line with scripture, my prayers and the guidance of holy spirit I am in a good place.

It's a very good question. I think we can fall into a trap if we are not very careful. Our hearts are deceptive.

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Re: Just read Boundries

Postby FaithLikeAbigail » Sat Aug 29, 2015 2:41 pm

I have noticed that boundries can feel effortless, and incredibly freeing! In the past if I did something to upset my DH I would feel bad and then feel it was my job to not only fix what I did wrong, but also make him happy. I would try very hard, and not succeed often. Or I would get pissy and not even want to try and stay mad, then feel guilty.

Now I allow him to have his reaction good bad or otherwise and not feel any need to rush in and fix anything. I do apologize for what I did, or said that was wrong or hurtful, or dissrepectfull after he calms down. I can't tell you how much easier this is to do when I don't feel the pressure to fix, or change his response.

It's interesting that it has not been hard for me to do. I feel that I have read so many books, and try to live my life based on scripture. All I needed were the missing peices to have everything come togather. I don't remember who recommended this book to me, but I am very thankful.

I have been praying really hard and a few things have been revealed to me.
1, that I can use the experience of my Elders to my advantage, talking to spiritualy mature men about how they would feel encouragement will be a great resource for me. I had been thinking of asking for pure scriptural help, I think a personal perspective will be good as well.
2, learning how to better comunicate with DH is going to effect every area of our lives, this seems obvious but I have been thinking I need to find a different approach for each issue. I definitely need to make progress in communication see how things develop.
3, I have been feeling that I was procrastinating because I had not made an appointment with my Elders yet, as it turns out I think the extra time has been a good thing, I am in a better space to clearly explain where I need help. I am going to talk to them tomorrow about making an appointment.
4, I read Love and Respect, he spoke about asking for forgivness and asking your spouse to pray for you asking for their and God's forgivness. I think this could be a wonderful way for us to connect through prayer. I do pray for God to bless and help him. I ask God's help for me to fully forgive. I have not really every prayed for God to forgive him. I don't know if he has ever done this with me in mind either.

We are studying the Lord's Prayer at our Congragation, breaking it down has helped me see areas that my prayers can improve. I am also looking at things differently.


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