'Lack of experience' = more variety?

[SeekingChange]

This was a "bunny trail" from a thread in the "Hands On" forum, and I was getting ready to chase this down my own trail and decided it best to give these questions/topic it's own thread. You can see the OP here: Hand Job Positions

[bunny trail]
I am amazed at the variety of ways couples do this.

I wonder if that is because we don't come into marriage with "the right way to do a hand job" in our minds.

Does this variety show what our sex lives would look like across the board if we all came into marriage with no experience and limited explanation?

And the corollary to that is a lot of us are having sex differently than we would if we had not been preprogrammed to do it in a certain way.
[/bunny trail]

*emphasis mine

[SeekingChange]

The questions @PaulB asked, made me think of our marriage. I know that my "lack of experience" definitely had an effect on our sex lives. When I first joined TMB and started doing more reading on sex in general, I realized that we were doing things, or had discovered things on our own, that actually had "names" for it. For example, we were "edging" before we ever knew what "edging" was. Because of my "ignorance", I had no issue with stopping, staying still, and starting again once the "PONR" edged away. It's what needed to be done, and I wasn't bothered by it at all, because I didn't have any expectations of anything different.

TMB allowed me to see the "variety" there was among different couples, which actually could lead to more of a comparison (the con). It seems like we, and many others, were/are pretty satisfied with the sex lives they have, because "it works for them", until we start seeing "well, these people do it this way, or that way.... maybe that's "better" and we should be doing that". Or, "all these people say [this way] is their preference, something is wrong with us, because that doesn't work for us."

[hoosier52]

The questions @PaulB asked, made me think of our marriage. I know that my "lack of experience" definitely had an effect on our sex lives. When I first joined TMB and started doing more reading on sex in general, I realized that we were doing things, or had discovered things on our own, that actually had "names" for it. For example, we were "edging" before we ever knew what "edging" was. Because of my "ignorance", I had no issue with stopping, staying still, and starting again once the "PONR" edged away. It's what needed to be done, and I wasn't bothered by it at all, because I didn't have any expectations of anything different.

TMB allowed me to see the "variety" there was among different couples, which actually could lead to more of a comparison (the con). It seems like we, and many others, were/are pretty satisfied with the sex lives they have, because "it works for them", until we start seeing "well, these people do it this way, or that way.... maybe that's "better" and we should be doing that". Or, "all these people say [this way] is their preference, something is wrong with us, because that doesn't work for us."

Ignorance is bliss?

Much better to explore with your spouse than with a string of GF's or BF's before marriage and all of the baggage that comes with it.

This is surely one reason why committed Christians have much better and happier sex lives than those who aren't.

[PaulB]

It seems like we, and many others, were/are pretty satisfied with the sex lives they have, because "it works for them", until we start seeing "well, these people do it this way, or that way.... maybe that's "better" and we should be doing that". Or, "all these people say [this way] is their preference, something is wrong with us, because that doesn't work for us."

Ah yes, the ugly power of peer pressure.

My approach is to say "That might be fun, that wouldn't be, that maybe" and then try what seems worth the effort. Keep what is good, dump the rest. If you find something you like great, if not, no big deal.

I suppose you have to have a bit of faith in yourself to do that. Sadly that is not true for everyone.

There are some "works for us" things that are a problem because they are sin or have a good chance of leading to injury. But beyond that, it seems pretty wide open.

The other issue is when what we want or don't want is for reasons of brokenness, fears, or our past. An easy example is a powerful businessman who goes to a prostitute who humiliates him gets him all worked up but refuses to finish him. That is helping him deal with something in his life that it would be better to resolve with a professional so it would end. Then his desire for humiliation and sexual frustration would end and he could have a better, healthier sex life. I suspect a lot of couples are doing or avoiding certain sex acts for reasons that have nothing to do with sex.

[Link+Zelda]

I suspect a lot of couples are doing or avoiding certain sex acts for reasons that have nothing to do with sex.

Had to quote this and focus on it so that everyone reading would get to read it a second time. I think we should all stop and think about that pretty deeply.

[newwifenewlife]

I would submit that a bigger influence to more variety than a lack of experience would be great communication, trust & safety, and a commitment to it & personal growth between a couple because whatever issues or hang ups an individual might have could be worked through with good communication, care, gentleness, and commitment to growth & processing things individually or together.

DW and I have tried & done things that at least one of us had said no or thought it’d never be an option just through conversation, processing “the why” and having more time and safe conversation without judgment.

[Irnmyk]

I think that I'm with PaulB on this. As I have read through a lot of these threads, and some of the really difficult situations presented, I, too, have had the thought that there was a lot more than sex involved in whatever was going on.

[PaulB]

I would submit that a bigger influence to more variety than a lack of experience would be great communication, trust & safety, and a commitment to it & personal growth between a couple because whatever issues or hang ups an individual might have could be worked through with good communication, care, gentleness, and commitment to growth & processing things individually or together.

Of course. But does going into marriage "knowing" how you are supposed to do mean you never think outside that box?

[newwifenewlife]

... But does going into marriage "knowing" how you are supposed to do mean you never think outside that box?

Ok, maybe. Or is it that I'm a man? Curious? Creative? Always wondering, imagining, thinking about different ideas, desiring novelty, freshness, variety, (while at the same time enjoying some predictability too). DW & I were in previous marriages where very little happened in the MB...or very little variety, experimenting or encouragement to grow, adapt, change over 15 & 16 years. We both came in with little or no experience in many ways into our marriage bed BUT we came with an attitude of: let's see what we can do, I've always wanted to try_____, let's see how many positions we do in a session/day/week, etc. It wasn't the vast experience we drew from, it was our attitude and ability to communication and co-create a safe, acceptable, and enjoyable MB.

Is a "lack of experience" that important or is an "education" and attitude of learning...adapting to each other, working together more important to experience a Baskin Robins 31 Flavors marriage bed?

As to the idea of a "right way to do a hand job", I think there no right way but there is ONE WAY to do it wrong: not using lube.

[EECOM]

Based purely on my wife and I's marriage, I would say that lack of experience but technical knowledge plus a good attitude equals more variety and better results.

I had no experience prior to marriage and that includes no porn use, but I had read a Christian-based book on sex that gave a good starting point to learn from, so I had the technical knowledge without the baggage of porn. My wife had some experience before me, but limited and repented for and healed before meeting me, resulting in a positive attitude and outlook on the future marriage activities. I wouldn't change much about our current marriage bed.

But before you might think we're perfect or especially blessed, don't worry, we have lots of other problems!