the pain of the past....

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Dale
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Re: the pain of the past....

Postby Dale » Tue Jan 08, 2013 6:44 pm

Andy,

This guilt is not from God. You have confessed the sin and repented and have even sought and received the forgiveness of your future wife. You are and have been declared clean in Christ. If Jesus does not hold your sin against you, why should you??

Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy. And he would LOVE nothing better than to use your lingering guilt over this to sabotage your marriage and your relationship with your wife. You must not let him!! You are called now to walk in holiness and love and freedom and to put aside the misdeeds of the past. You are doing that now, and the Lord is pleased! Do not let yourself be bound again by a yoke of slavery! That will serve nothing good for your marriage.

Don't give in to the schemes of the devil! Hold fast to the truth that you are forgiven and free, and go enjoy your marriage and your marriage bed to the full!! Make 'ol Ugly tremble in his boots with the joy and love that you share with your wife after you say "I do"!

Dale

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YesWife
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Re: the pain of the past....

Postby YesWife » Tue Jan 08, 2013 7:18 pm

My DH was not a virgin when I married him, but I was. Truly, it did not affect how I saw him. She has let it go, let that be good enough for you too.
In a way, you can think of yourself as a virgin to your bride - because you're a virgin TO HER. You've never "known" her, and therefore, everything from the point of consummation and beyond is new territory.

As Dale said, this is a tactic of Satan to steal, kill and destroy. Satan's favorite phrase is "not really..."

The Christian says, "This is sin."
Satan says, "Not really..."

The Christian says, "I am loved by God."
Satan says, "Not really..."

The Christian says, "I am forgiven and cleansed from all unrighteousness. I am a NEW creation."
Satan says, "Not really..."

The more you fixate on what you CAN'T offer your bride, the more focus is taken away from what you CAN, and that is what the enemy wants.

As for your parents, I know what that is like. I have a very legalistic mother who loves to bring up a 6mo "rebellion" period I went through 15 year ago!!! She just can't let it go because she has no concept of grace. None. The next time your parents start speaking guilt into your life, put an end to it. Stand up boldly in Christ and tell them that what Christ has redeemed is redeemed indeed. You don't have to be mean about it, but firm. It'll be good practice, because as a husband you'll probably have to stand up to your parents, or hers, more than once.
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Re: the pain of the past....

Postby txtwindad » Tue Jan 08, 2013 10:32 pm

We so often hang onto our guilt. Part of human nature. It helps me to drop the guilt by thinking about it this way. God has told us he will forgive if we ask. That he puts our sin away from us unimaginably far. If we hang onto the guilt in the face of these promises, we are saying we know better than God. That, my friend, is pride. And we are all guilty of it.
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Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

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Re: the pain of the past....

Postby Arogen » Tue Jan 08, 2013 11:31 pm

Sometimes forgiving yourself is the hardest part, but you must do it or it will eat away at more than just the honeymoon.

If it makes you feel better, perhaps you could plan to do something on the wedding night you have never done, some different position or something you are still a 'virgin' at. Just an idea.

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Re: the pain of the past....

Postby poetess » Wed Jan 09, 2013 8:01 pm

If it makes you feel better, perhaps you could plan to do something on the wedding night you have never done, some different position or something you are still a 'virgin' at.


Without knowing the OP's sexual history, my hunch is something like that might be beyond Sexuality 101 . . . and a virgin bride needs her new husband to be doing Sexuality 101. She also needs the focus to be on her, not on her being "not someone else." Do what is best for her, focus on her, and I have a hunch he won't be thinking about what he has done in the past.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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2gether4ever94
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Re: the pain of the past....

Postby 2gether4ever94 » Sun Jan 13, 2013 4:29 am

andy_m wrote:any wise counsil from my fellow christ followers on how to keep on keepin on?



Andy,

I don't know that what I'm about to say is 'wise' but here goes. One of the hardest things in life imo is to forgive yourself. I have MANY regrets my friend God and my Smoothie have forgiven me but I still struggle with forgivin myself at times or diggin 'it' (whatever 'it' might be at that time) back up and beatin myself up again. I had a discussion with our pastor one day about this. Thinkin that maybe he could give me some sort of magic fairy dust or whatever and it wouldn't be brought up again. Durin our conversation I told him of my difficulty forgivin myself and he totally understood but he also asked me 'Do you think that you would have the testimony that you have if you didn't go thru some of that? You can reach people that I can't because you have a different past than I do.' I hadn't thought of it in that way, you might wanna look at that yourself. Since you've btdt you're in a position to say to other men who are thinkin of givin their virginity away you don't wanna and here's why. Or your children. Somethin to think about.

HTH and I'm prayin for you,

2g
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mamame
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Re: the pain of the past....

Postby mamame » Sun Jan 13, 2013 6:38 am

poetess wrote:
If it makes you feel better, perhaps you could plan to do something on the wedding night you have never done, some different position or something you are still a 'virgin' at.


Without knowing the OP's sexual history, my hunch is something like that might be beyond Sexuality 101 . . . and a virgin bride needs her new husband to be doing Sexuality 101. She also needs the focus to be on her, not on her being "not someone else." Do what is best for her, focus on her, and I have a hunch he won't be thinking about what he has done in the past.

I think there is some wisdom here.
It's the first time they have had sex together. That is a special and unique experience. I was not a virgin and the first time with someone was always a brand new experience.

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Re: the pain of the past....

Postby mr. emu » Sun Jan 13, 2013 1:00 pm

andy_m wrote: cos i love her so much, hurting her is unthinkable to me,...


My pastor often says variations of, "You're far more sinful than you think you are ... but God's grace is far more amazing than you think it is." Yes, sexual sin often has consequences that affect other people, but once you've put yourself in the position that you've done all that you can do about that, you need to go forward. And part of going forward is being part of the good that God wants to bring out of your bad choices, but if you remain overly focused upon yourself, you're going to miss opportunities to do the good that God is calling you to do.

Also, it's clear that you love your FW, but if "hurting her is unthinkable" to you, then you probably shouldn't marry her. The reality on this broken side of eternity is that we hurt those whom we love. The best husband is also a sinful husband, and he hurts his DW over and over and over again. But if the fights are fair and the apologies sincere, God even uses those conflicts to draw them closer to each other and to Himself.

Blessings to you, brother.

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Re: the pain of the past....

Postby Footballfan » Tue Feb 05, 2013 10:41 am

Hi there, I thought this article, How To Deal With Your Spouse's Sexual Past (Or Your Own) could be helpful. Especially point number 2.

Wishing and praying for the best.

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Re: the pain of the past....

Postby datepalm » Mon Feb 11, 2013 9:06 am

txtwindad wrote:We so often hang onto our guilt. Part of human nature. It helps me to drop the guilt by thinking about it this way. God has told us he will forgive if we ask. That he puts our sin away from us unimaginably far. If we hang onto the guilt in the face of these promises, we are saying we know better than God. That, my friend, is pride. And we are all guilty of it.

RE: hanging on to guilt....

God convicted me (just me, mind you--not saying it's His word to you) that hanging on to the guilt of sin which He had forgiven was saying MY wisdom and MY standard of holiness was higher than God's...and anything placed above God is an IDOL! In other words, He told me that not to forgive myself when He had was a form of IDOLATRY! :shock: It might be something you want to think and pray and ask God about. (And don't forget to wait quietly for Him to answer.)

Got a Scripture verse for ya, too, then I'll hush:
Romans 8:1-4 Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
What if God's primary intent for your marriage isn't to make you happy...but to make you holy?
--Gary Thomas (Sacred Marriage)


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