Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

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Clark Kent
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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby Clark Kent » Sun Nov 27, 2016 9:08 am

Just my 2 cents on the subject, I was married for over 20 years. The marriage wasn't a good one from the start but I was commited to stay in it and make it work; however, due to circumstances and situations there finanlly came a point when I fell completely out of love with DW. At that point I discovered that trying to rekindle a relationship with someone you aren't in love with and worse yet aren't even attracted to, is nearly impossible; so yeah. It can definitely play an important role in a marriage even years down the road. Not saying your mate has to be a supermodel by the world's standards or anything, but it sure helps when just looking them takes your breath away.

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby Redsman » Thu Dec 01, 2016 2:23 pm

Here's my $.02.

Since the question is "basic physical attraction", I'm going to assume that is means "attraction" in the sense of "hotness\desire", not chemistry.

If this question is meant from the standpoint of "when it came to the decision to further engage in conversation and get to know your (now current) spouse"....my answer is very. Extremely important. I've ready many posts on here about chemistry. Yes, that's a great thing. But you don't know that you have it until you talk to the guy\girl. And you don't "just talk" to a guy\girl unless there's a BASIC LEVEL OF ATTRACTION. It's just that simple.

The first words that I ever said to Red were (quite serious), "you have the most beautiful red hair of any woman I've ever met". It was both a pickup line and a sincere observation. She must have like it, and found me attractive, because she responded in kind. Had she appreciated the "line", but not liked my physical stature\been attracted to me, she would\could have walked away.

Two women|men stand in front of you. You are the opposite gender of them. You are given the chance to talk to one, only one of them, in order to get to know them better, for the purposes of potential future discourse. How do you pick which one to talk to (pretending that you are single)? The one you are most attracted to, I would venture.

Does chemistry come into play at some point? Yes. Your personality and their personality engaging together well is a must. But the initial decision, from a "primal standpoint" to do something, is based on whether or not you are, at "the most basic level", attracted to them? If this isn't true, what is it that makes you decided to speak with them, having never said a word to them previously?

Side-bar, but (hopefully) tied to the discussion: I've often wondered how long Adam waited before he had sex with Eve. The physical\sexual attraction was there, no doubt. He recognized who she was. Did he "introduce himself", then have sex with her (assuming that she recognized who he was), or did they get to know each other, build chemistry and such? Somehow, given the fact that their options were limited :lol: , I tend towards the "they had sex right away" thought process...which makes basic physical attraction all that more necessary.

Is basic attraction what "keeps" me married to her? No...my covenant love to her does that. But my basic attraction to her is what started the whole thing in the first place, and it sure is nice waking up to her every morning, "even after" (said in the most loving way possible...it's best said that the best breasts in the world are the ones with history...I'd add tummies that have had c-sections to that list) 4 kids and 10 years!
Last edited by Redsman on Thu Dec 01, 2016 2:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby tjw » Thu Dec 01, 2016 2:58 pm

I'd have been horrified to learn my wife wasn't attracted to me physically when we dated. I'd rather have stayed single.


Amen. And, amen. Much rather have stayed single. And, would have been far better off if I had. I'd never recommend to anyone that they marry someone who is not attracted to them. It brings a broken heart and a broken marriage with it.

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby Kilarin » Sat Dec 03, 2016 8:39 am

Redsman wrote:How do you pick which one to talk to (pretending that you are single)? The one you are most attracted to, I would venture.

But how do you judge attractiveness? I would say that personality trumps physical features by far, and a lot of personality can come through at a glance. Did she smile, or look surly? Did his eyes sparkle with confidence or fear? Was her look intelligent or stupid? Personality affects "looks" a LOT more than I think we usually give it credit for.

Let's consider two couples. One of them gets married based primarily on physical attraction. After the honeymoon glow wears off, they realize that they can't stand each other as people and find living together miserable. Will the physical attraction alone be able to save their marriage? I suspect that if they can't fix their personality/chemistry problems, even the physical attraction will wane after a while. Give it a few painful years and an ugly divorce and you will probably hear the pair saying things like, "I can't stand a woman with long hair anymore, reminds me of my ex-wife and she made me MISERABLE!"

Now lets consider the other couple, they got married based on personality. They like each other, they like being with each other, they love spending time together and finally decided to get married in order to make that easier to do. Physical attraction will be there, of course, they got married with the intent of having sex, but they may admit up front that neither one is exactly the "type" they thought they were looking for. Perhaps her nose is very big and he always liked women with small noses. But he loves HER, and this is HER nose, so it starts out with an advantage. After he's spent some very happy time kissing that nose, waking up in the mornings to that nose, feeling that nose run along the shaft of he penis, he's likely to start getting positively ecstatic about big noses and wonder what he ever saw in small noses to start with. Perhaps she always liked smooth man, but the man she married is very hairy. But after she has spent a lot of fantastic hours running her fingers through is chest hair, holding on to that hairy arm, and feeling his hairy leg gently rub against hers under the table, she will probably start feeling that she is really blessed that her man is not one of those boring smooth skinned guys!

I'm not saying that physical attraction is unimportant. I just think that physical attraction follows love much more easily than love follows physical attraction. If you love someone, and have a healthy physical relationship with them, the physical attraction side will usually take care of itself. It's a LOT harder to maintain or fix a marriage if the only thing the couple has in common is that they think the other one looks hot.

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby poetess » Sat Dec 03, 2016 10:21 am

Kilarin wrote,

I'm not saying that physical attraction is unimportant. I just think that physical attraction follows love much more easily than love follows physical attraction. If you love someone, and have a healthy physical relationship with them, the physical attraction side will usually take care of itself. It's a LOT harder to maintain or fix a marriage if the only thing the couple has in common is that they think the other one looks hot.


Yep, I agree. And I've had conversations with at least one person, a year after the wedding, when the wedding happened largely because lust kicked in. (She couldn't stand his personality, but he was persistent and went on a date with him, and lust kicked in. A year after they married they weren't having sex very often.) Physical desire is good as a part of the relationship, but it is not enough to sustain it. We are mates, but we are more than mates; we are also partners and companions.

Most of us have a bit of a "type" in terms of physical characteristics. My husband matches some of mine, but not all. So what? We have little control over our physical characteristics, except for making the most of what we do have. And what we do have is subject to decay, anyway. But a man with integrity and other characteristics important to me, willing to commit to me for life even as I get older and grayer and gravity shifts things a bit, is worth claiming and holding onto. And his eyes are HOT. He makes me melt because this really good man is choosing to look at me and not someone else.
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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby Redsman » Tue Dec 06, 2016 10:28 am

Well, I clicked "save draft" yesterday and now I can't find it...had a post all typed and was going to make sure that it said what I wanted today...yay for the internet! :)

Going to try to remember what I said, but I've slept since then....

Maybe I misunderstood the OP and the question, or just misinterpreted. Maybe I'm just more..."carnal" than others...I don't know.

My line of thinking is this: back when I was single, if you had stood to ladies side by side and asked me to pick one to talk to, for the purpose of getting to know them and see where it leads, I would have picked the one I was most attracted to. Would we all not do that? I guess that's what I'm getting at. Do we not all, initially, "pick"\decide to talk to our future spouses based on a "first impression" of how good they look to us? Yes, beauty\handsomeness is in the eye of the beholder. This is why my wife, who is GORGEOUS to me, might not look as awesome to othersguys. Some guys prefer blonds, brunettes, etc (their loss! :lol: ). Yes, we may discover after the fact that there is no chemistry, etc there, but do we not make our initial, "gut" response on how good they look to us?

To paraphrase poetess (???....I can't see that far back in the posting screen...), I know I picked my wife out because of her red hair and awesome level of beauty....why wouldn't I....I mean...WO----MAN! :lol: :D

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Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby Hiswifeagain » Tue Dec 06, 2016 9:15 pm

I picked my husband because I got to know him as a person and then as I liked him more, I started to see him as more attractive then I did at first. Maybe it's a woman thing ;)


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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby Kilarin » Wed Dec 07, 2016 11:00 am

hiswifeagain wrote:I picked my husband because I got to know him as a person and then as I liked him more, I started to see him as more attractive then I did at first. Maybe it's a woman thing ;)

Nah, a lot of men feel the same way.

And, as I said before, I believe that even those who think they are primarily interested in the physical aspects of attraction are actually strongly influenced by personality and "chemistry." A nice smile and an intelligent look in the eyes can make a big difference in how physically attractive someone appears.

For example: why are the lights in "romantic" restaurants kept so low? It's because in low light conditions the pupil of the human eye dilates (expands) which just happens to be the same response that the eye has when looking at something you are interested in.

Studies have shown that when people are shown pictures of two faces that are identical except that one of them has the eyes dilated and the other does not, the majority of people choose the picture with the dilated pupils as being more physically attractive. (although most of them can not tell you WHY)

We find people who appear to be interested in *us* to be more physically attractive. No surprise there, but it just goes to show that personality and attitude have a big influence on what we think is physically attractive.

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby Medic » Wed Dec 07, 2016 3:52 pm

Sooo... I was not attracted to Tigger (my wife) when we met and started dating :shock:

I decided to date her purely based on her character and merit as an individual. She wasn't ugly, but I definitely did not find her a looker... this actually almost kept me from dating her. I should at this point state my wife grew up very conservative clothing. With this upbringing, a lot of handmade clothes, and thrift store clothes from middle school (she was senior in college!) it all kept her beauty pretty well hidden.. :lol: :lol: :lol:

As we dated I came to find her incredibly attractive. When we married I found out she had quite the body hidden under those clothes and that she was confident in ways I had not pictured when we had first met. :wink: I have since gotten her some new clothes which accentuate a little :mrgreen:

Even if my wife wasn't attractive (conventionally speaking) I still think I would rather have character and a willingness to change than beauty/raw sexual prowess. I happen to have a wife who properly attired (ok I am biased now :mrgreen: see what I mean?) is quite attractive and who has good character.

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Browsing lingerie section: "Hmmmm she is intelligent... creative... and she likes to volunteer... the french maid outfit should do." :wink:

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby SLS » Sun Dec 11, 2016 9:42 am

My story is somewhat similar to Medic's. I didn't start talking to my wife because she was the most conventionally attractive woman in the room. She wasn't "my type" at that time so I just struck up a conversation with her because I found her to be interesting. As the weeks went by and we talked more and more we discovered that we were similar in many ways. There was some physical attraction early on but that wasn't the main driving force for me.

There was another young lady I was interested in at the time. There was a lot of initial physical attraction but we were very different and didn't have much in common. If I had married her I am sure the sex would have been fine but the fact that we had nothing else in common and didn't talk much would have made the marriage a living nightmare.

So I kept talking to future DW and as the conversations grew so did our feelings and physical attraction for each other. As I got to know her I discovered how confident she was in her body and her physical interactions with me. In the church culture I grew up in anything beyond a side hug was a major no-no. We never did anything sexually immoral but she had no problem hugging me or holding my hand or nuzzling me. That confidence really turned me on.

Then as I get to see her in more revealing outfits (swimsuits, dresses) my physical attraction grew even more. By the time we got to the alter I couldn't wait to take her to bed. :D


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