Fiance and Pornography

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EmeraldLady2973
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Fiance and Pornography

Postby EmeraldLady2973 » Tue Oct 08, 2013 10:01 pm

So, my Fiance and I are getting married in March(we've been engaged for about a month now) And just tonight he told me he has had an addiction to porn, for quite a few years it seems.

We were heading to our Bible Study when I could tell something was bothering him, being a woman... :P I assumed I did something wrong. He assured me it wasn't about me, but "something that we would talk about some other time...like a long time from now." He then seemed back to his normal self, but on the way home he was all mopey again. I asked him what was really going on, and he then he told me.
I am very glad that he has expressed this to me now, rather than when we are married, so we can somewhat resolve this issue before we're married.
Honestly, it wasn't that much of a surprise to me, knowing the kinds of shows he has watched before(that I've asked him to stop watching), some things he's suggestively said he "expects" on our wedding night - I'm a virgin, so I told him not to get his expectations too high - he has had sex before, and has been to strip clubs(all of which he has told me about, and has asked for forgiveness for from me and God, and I do not hold it against him).
I do feel really bad for assuming that he has watched or had some kind of addiction, but in this day and age, who hasn't run across porn in one way or another!? For this reason I'm very glad that I do not have cable or pretty much any TV besides DVDs and Netflix.

Anyway, my reasoning for posting is, I have a few questions, that I guess, I really just need affirmation that I said the right things to him.
I told him, while I appreciate and am very glad of the fact he told me and is honest about it(I'm the only one who knows his secret, he hasn't told anyone else), I am not the one who can keep him accountable for his addiction. He did mention something about installing software on his computer, I said it was a good idea, but he needs a strong, male, christian friend to help keep him accountable. Am I right, in saying that? I know I can pray for him and give him words of encouragement, and maybe ask him ways that I can help him, but I can't be the one to be accountable.

I don't want this to be a huge stumbling block in our relationship now and in the future, I'm super happy he told me about it, and I didn't find out on my own by accident or otherwise.
He said he has been beating himself up over it for a little while now, because I guess he has been struggling with it recently, which I think is in part to him having a lot of free time in the afternoons in between different school classes and not having a job...but idk, I could be totally wrong and just assuming.

So really, I just needed to express my feelings to somebody after we had our talk tonight. I'm struggling with going to/or not going to a close friend/mentor with this, because I don't want them to look at him differently. And its his struggle, not mine to be speaking about openly to people we know.

Idk...any advice would be awesome! How I can help him, what should I do/say...etc.

My one regret was not praying right then and there in the car while we were talking! But good thing prayers are unlimited, and I will be doing that a lot for him, myself and us!
Thank you everyone for reading!

And also, knowing me, I would probably just drop it and not talk about it anymore unless he brought it up. So if he doesn't bring it up, should I ask him about it? Like, "Hey...how is the whole addiction thing going?"(But serious) I'm such an emotionally awkward person in general, bringing those kind of conversations up is super weird and awkward for me.

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Re: Fiance and Pornography

Postby HisWarrior » Wed Oct 09, 2013 3:02 am

Software...good. A strong Christian male accountability partner...very good. Surfing for God book....very good. Counseling....excellent. Discussing realistic expectations in your young marriage bed...very very good.

Questions: Does he want to be free from this addiction? Is he willing to do whatever it takes? Does he understand that getting married and being allowed to.have sex with you is not going to take away his addiction?

I really really think he needs to go to counseling for this. Porn addiction can carry some heavy baggage into a marriage....inability to perform without recalling or using porn, unrealistic expectations, the need for aggressiveness and speed, misunderstanding of the real sex drive and needs of his wife....he needs to be set free.

I salute you for standing by his side and being willing to maturely support him.

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bestillandknow
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Re: Fiance and Pornography

Postby bestillandknow » Wed Oct 09, 2013 4:36 am

I also suggest reading through TMB about those who struggle with pornography and those whose spouse struggles, so that you can have an honest view of what you're getting into. Being willing to forgive and support is a commendable thing, but I would not want you to make that commitment blindly. You are not married yet, and you have time to think this through.
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Re: Fiance and Pornography

Postby Dgenerous » Wed Oct 09, 2013 7:26 am

Also refer him to yourbrainonporn.com . It's a secular site about the lasting effects of porn use. There are actual physiological changes that take place in the brain, and he needs to start getting healthy before you two get married.
I have found the one whom my soul loves.

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Re: Fiance and Pornography

Postby hands » Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:24 am

So really, I just needed to express my feelings to somebody after we had our talk tonight. I'm struggling with going to/or not going to a close friend/mentor with this, because I don't want them to look at him differently. And its his struggle, not mine to be speaking about openly to people we know.


I would suggest speaking with your fiance before you talk to someone else about it. I I know with my husband he really didn't want any of my close friends/mentors to know and I was also leery about mentioning it and making them look at him differently. He wanted to keep it between him, me and his accountability partner. I'm fine with that as long as he is keeping in contact with his accountability partner. Just being able to talk to people on TMB really helped me.

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Re: Fiance and Pornography

Postby sd595 » Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:37 am

Dgenerous wrote:Also refer him to yourbrainonporn.com . It's a secular site about the lasting effects of porn use. There are actual physiological changes that take place in the brain, and he needs to start getting healthy before you two get married.


+1, this site will show him how porn will ruin him from functioning normally.

You might want to tell him how proud you are about him being open and honest with you. This is a huge important thing for a marriage and this is one area you want him to know you are proud of him.

First and foremost if he is doing something not from faith, he is sinning and he needs to get right with the Lord. Nothing is more important. He does need an accountability partner that is not you.

My advice is to try to find out how deep he is in this. One end of the spectrum might be that he looks at nudity when he needs a release but can function just fine without it, the other end of the spectrum is that he has compromised his heart and only gets excited by seeing evil and vile things and can't function at all. Where he is may make a huge difference in your marriage and the struggle you have together as husband and wife.
Get out your bible and see what He says. Pray to Him right now and ask Him for His wisdom in the matter. He will not fail you if you put your faith and trust in Him.

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Re: Fiance and Pornography

Postby Dgenerous » Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:43 am

hands wrote:
So really, I just needed to express my feelings to somebody after we had our talk tonight. I'm struggling with going to/or not going to a close friend/mentor with this, because I don't want them to look at him differently. And its his struggle, not mine to be speaking about openly to people we know.


I would suggest speaking with your fiance before you talk to someone else about it. I I know with my husband he really didn't want any of my close friends/mentors to know and I was also leery about mentioning it and making them look at him differently. He wanted to keep it between him, me and his accountability partner. I'm fine with that as long as he is keeping in contact with his accountability partner. Just being able to talk to people on TMB really helped me.


There's a fine balance here. Don't shout it from the rooftops. But secrets are poison. Someone IRL should know. The Bible is very clear about walking in the light.
I have found the one whom my soul loves.

EmeraldLady2973
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Re: Fiance and Pornography

Postby EmeraldLady2973 » Wed Oct 09, 2013 11:12 am

Thank you everyone for your opinions and advice.

I am very glad he told me about it now, and I expressed to him how appreciative I was he told me. I still love him, but I do question and wonder the consequences of this it could possibly have when we're married.
He does want to stop, he knows how detrimental this can be to us if it's not 'fixed.'
And to commend him, he really seems to be taking this seriously, and has talked with a close friend/mentor that can keep him accountable through software, prayer and such.

Like I said, I love him, and can't wait to marry him, and I will stand by him as he overcomes this, but definite boundaries need to be set, even if we both may not like them.

I really haven't talked to him about what I'm thinking, but I need to sit down and write my thoughts out, so when I talk with him it will be loving and not accusatory or judgemental.

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Re: Fiance and Pornography

Postby dr_parsley » Wed Oct 09, 2013 11:44 am

I would imagine that if he's able to tell you about it, he's able to stop it. If I were you, I'd be really pleased he told me and expect him to be clean for at least 6 months before I committed to marry him. He's in an excellent position to do that and marrying you is the greatest motivation he could have.
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Re: Fiance and Pornography

Postby sd595 » Wed Oct 09, 2013 12:01 pm

EmeraldLady2973 wrote:but definite boundaries need to be set, even if we both may not like them.


I'm not saying boundaries don't need to be set, but be careful what boundaries you set and set them together. I mention this because boundaries that are too restrictive can work against you and become sex negative. You mentioned in your first post that everyone in society has likely come into contact with porn these days, and that makes me wonder if you have the idea that everything sexual is porn and hence sin. This can easily turn into a wedge between you and your future husband where you think you are protecting him but he is in fact starving and unfulfilled. You need to be a team on this, not separated. A bad boundary for example might be that your marriage bed will only include this type of sex or that type of sex because of the porn. There was a big debate thread about this some time ago. Or that you are in charge of all things related to sex because he has proven himself untrustworthy. What you really want to do is be a sex positive wife who fulfills him so completely, he'd never dream of wasting his time with porn. And he needs to be a sex positive husband who fulfills you completely. That will be a strong marriage built on a strong bond.

I do completely agree that you need to see some commitment and action from him on fixing this before you marry him.

Have you read two of my favorite marriage books? Love and Respect, and also the 5 Love Languages?
Get out your bible and see what He says. Pray to Him right now and ask Him for His wisdom in the matter. He will not fail you if you put your faith and trust in Him.

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Re: Fiance and Pornography

Postby facetoface » Wed Oct 09, 2013 4:53 pm

The bottom line is how badly does he want to break this addiction? Is he at the point where he will do anything to be free? Does he really understand that your future marriage is at stake? Do you really understand how seriously this can affect a marriage (and ultimately destroy it - and both of you in the process)?

Would he come here to TMB for advice and counsel? Has he made any steps towards finding a real-life counselor? He most likely needs more than just a friend who'll keep him accountable. From what you described, his addiction may be somewhat more severe.

I think you already know this, but you can not be his accountability partner.

The answers to these questions will help guide you in determining your next steps.

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Re: Fiance and Pornography

Postby hands » Wed Oct 09, 2013 6:29 pm

There's a fine balance here. Don't shout it from the rooftops. But secrets are poison. Someone IRL should know. The Bible is very clear about walking in the light.


Agreed. I could have written that out a little better. I guess I'm really trying to say that as long as he has someone he is being accountable to (other than his fiance), then I would be choosy about who else is told. Discussing as a couple who they are comfortable talking to about the issue would be a good idea.

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Re: Fiance and Pornography

Postby loveisselfless » Wed Oct 30, 2013 7:50 pm

I agree with the seriousness of this situation...he needs help. This is something you do not want to bring into your marriage. It destroys them. My bil and sil are going through a divorce right now. She did not know about his addictions (sex & porn) when they got married, it surfaced years later when he spent thousands of dollars on prostitutes and had an ongoing affair (still is/different girl). He did not know how to make love to his wife. He blames her because she did not meet his needs and would not do kinky things with him or to him.

On another note...we were doing premarital counseling with a couple...they seemed great together. One day she calls me up and tells me her fiance' admitted he had LOOKED at porn. She thought THAT was a deal breaker. I agreed. She laid down the law...he had to do what she needed him to do, or they were done. They are happily married today with a baby girl. God needs to be #1 in your life and your spouse #2. Nothing else...nobody else. God bless you and give you wisdom.

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Re: Fiance and Pornography

Postby gymaddict » Fri Nov 01, 2013 1:51 pm

You were right on in all that you told him.

As a leader in Porn Addiction and Sex Addiction, we follow mostly the books written by Dr. Stephen Weiss. In his book, Clean, Dr Weiss says that confession to a wife is not enough. That a man needs another man to whom he is accountable.

I hope and pray that your fiance' has a man that he respects who can hold him accountable in addition to you and a software program like Covenant Eyes. He really needs to take this burden off of you. Another man is the key.

He might also try to find a small group in Porn Addiction where he can share with other men. It will take 90 days of no porn to be clean and sexually sober to rewire his brain. The website, http://www.yourbrainonporn.com is a good one. Your fiance needs to also read, Sex, Men, and God by Weiss. And if your marriage has problems with intimacy, Dr. Weiss book, Intimacy Anorexia talks of intimacy problems men experience when they are porn addicted .......He states that even after a man overcomes porn, they are lots of time not able to share deep intimacy with their spouse.

Michael Cusicks book, Surfing for God, is also another good resource for your fiance'.

Weiss is a minister and psychologist. He is America's foremost Christian leader and author in sex and porn addiction. He was addicted himself and abused as a boy.

Our prayers are with you.


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