What should we share about our history?

For the discussion of relationship issues between engaged couples.
Justme
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Re: What should we share about our history?

Postby Justme » Sun Apr 22, 2018 7:52 pm

Shortly before getting married, my wife told me that she had been sexually promiscuous in the past. It was a shock to me, because I had not, and we had not. We've been married for over 20 years. The pain of that is still very real to me to this day. There are days, that I wish I had been left in blissful ignorance. Then, she may feel bad carrying a secret. Only you can decide which is best.

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poetess
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Re: What should we share about our history?

Postby poetess » Mon Apr 23, 2018 6:42 am

Justme, in my opinion she should have divulged the truth earlier in your relationship, not necessarily with details, but it was something she shouldn't have left till you were about to marry.

I knew a woman who was a refuser a good part of her marriage. When she realized she was dying, she told me about sexual sin in her past, told me she had never told her husband, and asked if she should tell him. I wasn't sure what to say and didn't give her an answer. But the hidden truth--the lie of omission--had hurt their whole marriage. Had she told him the truth early on, their marriage bed might have been spared the heavy load of a woman carrying a big, ugly secret alone, and trying to avoid a place of such vulnerability as sexual intimacy.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

Justme
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Re: What should we share about our history?

Postby Justme » Mon Apr 23, 2018 10:31 am

^^^ I agree. The sin of omission could be a big burden to an individual or hinder the marriage.

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bigloop
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Re: What should we share about our history?

Postby bigloop » Mon Apr 23, 2018 1:23 pm

I do think it prudent for young unmarrieds to gain knowledge about their future spouses, but I think this should be done prior to any planning of nuptuals. That is what I have guided my children to do. There is a price to be paid, or at least an obstacle to be navigated, when someone marries another with sexual baggage. I know this because I was the one with a closet of luggage when we married - but my wife knew most all of it. It eventually came out and what didn't, she could piece together otherwise.

But there is more to this.

It sounds to me that you may be more worried about yourself than your future husband. To disclose anything for the purpose of making us feel better about it begs the questions of why and is it really just a selfish act. Confession is good for the soul, but did you sin against him? or against God only? Did you even know him when this happened? David said "it is against you God and you only have I sinned." Did you ask God's forgiveness? - You did. So it is over and done, as if it never happened. Let it go. Don't let it affect your future with your fiance. If your fiance asks, as Job suggests, make sure he knows what he is asking and only tell him as much as he asks but do so even then with tact and a thought to how it could hurt him. If he never asks, what harm has it done to not tell him? None to him - IF you can let it go. Take the fresh start God promises with repentence and embrace it with your fiance. Don't let the guilt of past sin taint your future. God does not want that, never asks that of us. I could not let a lot of my pre-marital baggage loose. If I had been able to, many of our problems might never have evolved. And there is the problem, we have such a hard time letting these things go as Poetess points out, it can wreck unknown havoc on an unsuspecting spouse. But what was to blame - lack of confession or lack of ability to forgive oneself? Lack of forgiveness is a very selfish thing, even if it is oneself you refuse to forgive.

blueadd
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Re: What should we share about our history?

Postby blueadd » Tue Apr 24, 2018 9:01 pm

My wife and I were very open about our pasts. I'm glad I know everything although my wife did admit that one of her ex-boyfriends was REALLY well endowed so naturally it plays on my mind from time to time.

I think the key thing is not judging your spouse over their past.

tjw
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Re: What should we share about our history?

Postby tjw » Thu Apr 26, 2018 2:29 am

That's an example of a "detail", which would have been better to leave out. I don't think this adds anything to being completely honest, does nothing to "build up" the marriage, serves only as a constant element of hurt for the partner.

farmer1
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Re: What should we share about our history?

Postby farmer1 » Thu Apr 26, 2018 7:08 am

^^^ I agree. Ladies please take note. While that particular detail may not mean a thing to most women, for whatever reason most men are very sensitive to this. It may be years down the road in the marriage when it pops up.

tjw
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Re: What should we share about our history?

Postby tjw » Thu Apr 26, 2018 7:14 am

farmer1 wrote:It may be years down the road in the marriage when it pops up.


Or, when it doesn't.....

blueadd
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Re: What should we share about our history?

Postby blueadd » Thu Apr 26, 2018 10:04 am

It doesn't hurt me in the least bit. The past is the past. I'm glad I know.


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