Houston we have a problem

Low testosterone issues, impacts on health & marriage, treatments, etc.
HappyWifey
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Houston we have a problem

Postby HappyWifey » Tue Sep 03, 2013 11:50 am

I am a newly married wife (3 months) and both of us Love being married! I would say we had a pretty easy adjustment. That being said, i quickly discovered (on the wedding night already) that our sex drives are at vastly different levels. I would LOVE to have sex every day, or even multiple times a day. (The only time thats ever happened was the day after our wedding.)What i can't understand is his lack of arousal. I've read the article on here about increasing his desire, and i have to say, NONE of it works! It's not that i am unattractive, and he was a virgin, so he doesn't have a sexual past. We have talked about it, and he assures me that its nothing against me, that he fell in love with me because of who i am, and he never really thought about me sexually. This was a big shock to me, bc before marriage, in my opinion, he was much more interested and enthusiastic about sex. I could make a suggestive comment and he'd be all in the mood. Now i can be naked around him all day, and it won't turn him on. He said he guesses when he sees me naked so much it doesn't affect him. (Can that happen?) i guess what leads to this post is when i texted him the other day when he was at work telling him that i badly want him, and i was once again disappointed with nothing, leaving me in tears and him feeling frustrated at his lack of desire. Ever since our wedding, its usually always me who suggests it, and i am TIRED of initiating it! But if i don't, i get so tired of waiting for him for days. I really want a very active sex life, but how are you supposed to do that when DH doesn't want anymore sex? Is this normal?

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SeekingChange
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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Sep 03, 2013 11:57 am

I would say "no", but I'll let others who have actually dealt with these type of situations give you some suggestions. Praying for you to find the root of the issue soon.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby jokerman » Tue Sep 03, 2013 12:27 pm

For life in general, does he practice an ascetic form of Christianity (very wary of being out of control or of enjoying himself too much)? I think sometimes our religion can warp our sexuality if we were taught to denigrate the body or deny any and all pleasure.

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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby Kilarin » Tue Sep 03, 2013 12:37 pm

He's on the low end of the bell curve, but you'll find other examples of wives on this forum who are married to men with very low sex drives.

My suggestion is probably dependent on the exact nature of the problem. Your husband obviously does not have the sex drive that you do, but is the problem simply that he is not initiating, or does he refuse to make love to you when you ask?

If your husband is refusing when you ask, then the problem is more complicated. BUT, If he is willing to serve you even when he isn't turned on, but just forgetting to initiate, then I would suggest having a long loving talk with him and SCHEDULING sex. Have him put an alarm on his phone or a note on the calendar. If, for example, you agree with him that he will initiate once every three days, or on Sunday and Wednesday, or whatever, then put it on his calendar. That will remind him that it's his job to initiate. The rest of the time, you are still free to initiate, but on his day, it's his job to seduce you!

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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby littleblackcloud » Tue Sep 03, 2013 1:24 pm

Hi HappyWifey - your husband sounds quite a lot like mine. More than five years down the line and no change. He's just not that into me that way. I don't think it's "normal" but it's his normal.

I have asked my husband many time to "seduce me". He says he simply does not understand what I mean by that. A schedule would just give him complete performance anxiety and it would be a complete flop (literally).

I hope these suggestions work better for you HappyWifey. I will include you in my prayers.

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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby seeker12 » Tue Sep 03, 2013 2:01 pm

How old is your DH? It could be low T. Also consider other physical and mental health issues. For example, depression can trigger a low libido.

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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby mamame » Tue Sep 03, 2013 2:55 pm

Could he be having trouble flipping the switch and thinking that sex is ok now?

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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby sexwithinmarriage » Tue Sep 03, 2013 5:34 pm

That fits a few neurological disorders as well.
ADHD - Their brains function best when something is "new and shiny". So, dating, engaged, RIGHT after married, new and shiny, very excited (all over). Right afterward, brain goes "done that, what's next?!?" and sex gets dropped as well as attention, and any other sort of connection in many cases.

Aspergers - Tend to fixate on something, or they "act the part" until they have secured what they want. Then they no longer need to try, and so it gets dropped. This is all subconscious, it's not as mean as it sounds, though it can feel that way.

Probably others, but these are the two I have experience with.

I have a post up here if you think it's a possibility: http://sexwithinmarriage.com/2013/08/dealing-with-a-non-neural-typical-spouse/
My little blog on marriage, intimacy and sexuality, from a Christian perspective: https://UncoveringIntimacy.com

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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby mom210 » Tue Sep 03, 2013 5:41 pm

This sounded exactly like me as a new bride over 30 years ago.I could even sleep naked next to dh and he would not really be interested. I thought it very odd..but it wasn't until many painful years later he was diagnosed with low T. He now is a changed man with a much higher drive and he regrets all the years that he missed out on feeling sexual.
My suggestion to you would be to consult a Dr and ask him to order a simple blood test to rule out low T and then go from there.

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cev
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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby cev » Tue Sep 03, 2013 9:33 pm

Mine is the exact same story. Don't let this go and and wake up thirty years later still praying that things will be different. How old is your husband? Would be consent to having his testosterone levels checked?

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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby HappyWifey » Tue Sep 03, 2013 10:55 pm

jokerman wrote:For life in general, does he practice an ascetic form of Christianity (very wary of being out of control or of enjoying himself too much)? I think sometimes our religion can warp our sexuality if we were taught to denigrate the body or deny any and all pleasure.


No, i don't think that is the problem, i think we both have a healthy view of sex. He's said that he really enjoys it when we do it, but it's just getting to that point. He did MB at times before we were married, but not very frequently, and he hasn't since. He said he's just used to going for days w/o doing anything about it, and i guess that hasn't changed.

HappyWifey
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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby HappyWifey » Tue Sep 03, 2013 10:57 pm

seeker12 wrote:How old is your DH? It could be low T. Also consider other physical and mental health issues. For example, depression can trigger a low libido.

That's the kicker.. he's 19. A teenager. Pretty sure there's no depression.

Kilarin wrote: does he refuse to make love to you when you ask?

I wouldn't say he refuses it. With me mostly initiating it every time, we do have sex at least 3 times a week. There have been a number of times where i got my hopes up, but he never outright told me no. (Last week when i was hurting i remarked about that verse in the bible where it talks about not giving sex to your partner. He was a little surprised and didn't realize there was a verse like that. Might've helped since he hasn't turned me down since) :wink: But the big thing is I want to feel wanted, I want HIM to want it!

littleblackcloud wrote:I have asked my husband many time to "seduce me". He says he simply does not understand what I mean by that.

That sounds so familiar! I don't think it's normal, and his exact words to me were, "You know i'm not a normal guy." Which in some other areas he's not (he's a classic American Muscle guy, not your average kid for sure!) but i wouldn't have thought it applied to sex drive as well!

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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby OldMarriedLady » Wed Sep 04, 2013 1:26 am

HappyWifey wrote:That's the kicker.. he's 19. A teenager. Pretty sure there's no depression.

Clinical depression is not age-related; young people can have it. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain, not a general sadness that develops from life circumstances or aging.

I guess I'll be the one to ask: any history of porn use?
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HappyWifey
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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby HappyWifey » Wed Sep 04, 2013 5:04 am

Occasional times in his past, but i wouldn't near say he was addicted. What are the symptoms of depression? Other than being sad

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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby Blovesme » Wed Sep 04, 2013 5:23 am

seeker12 wrote:How old is your DH? It could be low T. Also consider other physical and mental health issues. For example, depression can trigger a low libido.


I agree. Ask him to have his testosterone checked.

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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby librarian » Wed Sep 04, 2013 6:18 am

How much time does he spend on the internet or on his smartphone?
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HappyWifey
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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby HappyWifey » Wed Sep 04, 2013 7:57 am

A lot. I felt robbed by the TV on our honeymoon. But i do know for certain he's not watching porn. His hobby is cars, and that's almost always what he's reading, car forums.

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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby mom210 » Wed Sep 04, 2013 8:18 am

As I said before'm dh was very similar to this....in fact his hobby was also cars..he could rebuild an engine with his eyes closed practically! He also suffered from depression but neither of us realized it..he just thought that was life and that was how everyone was! He was also 19 when we married.
He needs to go to the Dr and at least have the blood work to rule out Low T.

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Kilarin
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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby Kilarin » Wed Sep 04, 2013 8:31 am

HappyWifey wrote: But the big thing is I want to feel wanted, I want HIM to want it!

Completely understandable. And I second everyone else's advice to get his testosterone checked.

In the meantime, lets work with what we've got. You want him to want it, of course, and he is no longer turning you down, and he enjoys sex once he gets into it. This is a LOT better of a situation than some of the other refused people here are in. These are conditions that I think are very promising to work with.

My suggestion is that you have a talk with your husband again, and explain how important this is to you, and that what you are asking him to do is to start TRAINING himself to be sexual and passionate. It's really no different than exercising to increase his muscles. It can take work, but it is something he can learn. It is something that will please you greatly, and because he really loves you, it is something he should consider worth doing.

So, completely gone are the days of waiting until he is in the mood. If you wait until you are in the mood to lift weights, you won't end up with a very powerful physique! So he needs to start scheduling sex. Give up some of those games, cut out some of the tv, reduce the amount of time surfing the web. What long term reward do any of those offer him? Really nothing, they are a waste of time. But spending time and effort learning how to be sexual with his wife is an exercise program that will have very long term benefits for his marriage!

So, at his scheduled times (agreed upon between you), it is his job to seduce you. He may not be in the mood for it to start with, but that is unimportant, the whole point is to build up his "passion" muscles (we aren't talking about physical size here, but mental passion!) and you do that by starting when you are not in the mood. He initiates, he seduces, he makes love to you. You, of course, will need to give him a lot of advice about how to do this. He should think of you as his personal trainer. :) You have the distinct advantage that your husband says he really does enjoy sex once you get going, so if he schedules times for sexual exercise, they may start off by just going through the motions, but very soon after that the real thrill will kick in, kind of like the endorphins that hit when you are exercising, and it will become a real pleasure. And as his skill improves, as his passion muscles grow, and especially, as he realizes how much it pleases YOU, it will become more and more of a pleasure to him.

If your husband is willing to try out a "sexercise" program like this, and really puts his whole heart into it, you can't lose. If it works as we hope, then the repeated exposure to sex with you will build up in him a habit of expecting to have pleasure by seducing you. Our hope is that this will build into a true hunger and desire for initiating sex with you. But, even if he doesn't get to the point where he hungers for sex, he will have learned how to initiate so that he can get into the mood further in to the love making. We hope for the first situation, but the second is really a lot better than what you have, so you are still much better off than you were before.

Check his testosterone, by all means, but don't wait on the doctor, get started teaching him to be passionate NOW.

Oh, and add one more thing to that sexercise program. Try praying before you make love. God is the great healer, and He invented sex. He can help heal your marriage bed problems just like He can heal any other problems in our lives. There is nothing wrong with asking for his blessing upon your lovemaking.

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Re: How normal is my husband?

Postby ledgemoor » Fri Sep 06, 2013 7:55 am

Yeah, there is something medical going on here. It is not normal for a celibate teenage guy to masturbate only infrequently. Also not seeing you as sexual is not normal. What would be normal would have been for him to see any female non-relative as sexual.

Little doubt his testosterone is low. By all means get it checked. However, the situation is complicated by him being so young. An old buy like me, it's a no brainer -- just take testosterone. But for a young guy, the question becomes "why is he low?"

I suggest making an appointment with a bioidentical Hormone Replacement Specialist. They tend to run a lot of tests, and specialize in this sort of thing, and IMO more likely to get to the bottom of it than your typical urologist.
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