Complicated! On the right track, finally.

Low testosterone issues, impacts on health & marriage, treatments, etc.
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Nvr2Late
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Re: Complicated! On the right track, finally.

Postby Nvr2Late » Wed Jan 13, 2016 5:22 pm

Well, not to be callous (please don't think I mean it that way) but as they say, "when the pain of remaining the same exceeds the pain of change", he might consider doing something different. I guess some people really do hate needles! But for us it's worth it, and if I may say so my husband has very, very low pain tolerance, yet he never complains about his injections because without them he knows what he's in for.

In fact he's got a new doctor, and he recommended we move to twice weekly at .25 ml rather than the .5 ml every week - just to keep the T levels steadier and prevent more aromatizing to estrogen. That is a big deal apparently with infrequent higher doses of T injectable.
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Re: Complicated! On the right track, finally.

Postby SrAirmanswife13 » Fri Jan 29, 2016 1:21 pm

Update. You all will be happy, I think, to hear that I had my first session with a Sex Therapist this morning. My hubby goes in to see her on Tuesday. She said that a 530 is "great for a 50 year old man" and that means this problem isn't testosterone. He thinks he may have anxiety. I let her know that last weekend I couldn't take any more and took sex off the table for a while. She said that while this can be the right thing to do, my motives are manipulative because the goal is for him to start feeling like he can touch me and show me affection without me expecting sex. She said I need to change my inner dialog to help with the feelings of rejection. And that I shouldn't look to him for validation. I can chose joy in the midst of this problem. That all sounds great if I can do it. If I can manage to not feel ignored when he ignores me, not feel frustrated when he gets in the shower with me but doesn't touch me. I get it. My frustration isn't a turn-on for him. And at the same time I'm not supposed to hide my feelings from him. I'm not supposed to get up and leave the room when I need to cry.... I'm supposed to not cry. It's not about hiding the fact that it's bothering me, it's about not letting it bother me... :?

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Re: Complicated! On the right track, finally.

Postby SquarePants » Fri Jan 29, 2016 1:56 pm

That level of 550 was roughly half-way through his cycle, so his levels are lower than that for almost half the time. Also, since he’s taking such a large dose (1 ml) every other week , there’s a good chance that his estrogen levels are up. High estrogen will block the positive effects of testosterone. He could have a testosterone level of over 1200, but it wouldn’t be very noticeable if his estrogen is high. Estrogen levels really need to be monitored.

In an earlier post, you mentioned that he hates the shots and doesn’t want to do them more frequently. Have tiny subcutaneous shots been mentioned? The subcutaneous shots use thin, short needles, and inject into body fat, rather than into muscle. The dose is much smaller, since it is a divided dose. I HATE needles and I almost faint when getting bloodwork done, but I don’t have a problem with my twice/weekly subcutaneous testosterone shots. I actually give myself four shots a week: two shots of testosterone and two shots of HCG per week. I really don’t mind those at all. I would not want to do large 1 ml intramuscular shots.

There are at least three problems with an every other week dose of testosterone:
1. Wild fluctuations in testosterone levels with a crash at the end of the cycle
2. Almost certainly results in high estrogen due to conversion of testosterone to estrogen.
3. Increases the chances of polycynthemia (high hemoglobin, hematocrit, or red blood count)

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Re: Complicated! On the right track, finally.

Postby SrAirmanswife13 » Tue Feb 02, 2016 6:59 pm

I'm a bit upset and confused. My hubby went and saw the sex therapist alone this evening. He said he talked her leg off. And he said that she told him he has to stop feeling guilty about not wanting to have sex with me. She also told him that I use him for validation. Before we met 3-1/2 years ago I KNEW I was a beautiful woman. I also KNEW I was desirable. I no longer know those things. I know I'm smart. I know I'm special. I know I'm a good mother. I know my family loves me. I know God loves me beyond anything I can possibly imagine. I feel like I've done everything I could do to help fix the situation. I leave him alone when he doesn't want me. I try not to discuss it too much because I know he hates discussing it...with me. I've had sex for over 3 years with absolutely no foreplay for me! And I've provided him OS anytime he has wanted it... to find out that I'm in the wrong. I gotta tell ya, I'm kind of ticked off right now. And you all are the only place I have to vent. Our next appointment with her is together and is sure to be interesting because I don't plan on holding all of this in.

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Re: Complicated! On the right track, finally.

Postby 2pack » Wed Feb 03, 2016 7:15 am

SrAirmanswife13 wrote:Our next appointment with her is together and is sure to be interesting because I don't plan on holding all of this in.

...and you shouldn't hold it in. It's easy to be fired up now and lose the courage at the appointment. If I were you I would print your latest post and take it with you so you have those words right in front of you. Tell the therapist this is how you felt when you found out about the conversation and you still feel the same way.
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Re: Complicated! On the right track, finally.

Postby Unfulfilled » Wed Feb 03, 2016 1:33 pm

What's to stop you from going to see your therapist alone yourself? What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

That way you can get this off your chest.m and you may find out that how your husband took what the therapist said may only be what your DW wanted to hear. And not exactly what was actually said. Or at the very least what was meant or the intent of the words.

There is some truth in Not beating yourself up with guilt. But I doubt the therapist was meaning that he has no fault and you own ALL of it.

I know how you feel because I e had similar thing happen I therapy as well. I would recommend that you write down how you feel I detail and your full emotion and anger. The. Leave it sit a day or two. Reread it before your session and maybe even read it outloud at your session. You will
Have to decide if you want to read it alone with your counselor, or with DH present.

The truth must get out there at some point and your therapist must know and hear both sides In Order to really help the best.

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Re: Complicated! On the right track, finally.

Postby Vanna » Wed Feb 03, 2016 8:56 pm

I know some of what the therapist is saying smarts- but (putting aside frustration and offense)... Is it possible you do look for validation from him? I know it seems logical to want validation from our spouse, but that isn't where our validation comes from and it can be a real stumbling block to our healing to keep looking to someone other than God for our validation. Your beauty and sexual attractiveness don't originate from your hubby, they come from you. Even if he were to begin being all you want, there would still be an imbalance inside you unless you take those thoughts and fears captive and renew your mind.

While I don't necessarily agree with all of her approach- I do believe your hubby is probably feeling anxious over all of this. As a guy, there is all this expectation on him to be sexual, and for some reason he isn't feeling sexual. Now he is monitoring T levels and giving himself injections, and the magic "urge" isn't appearing, so he is trying but still failing. That is a recipe for resentment and anxiety, which will make him avoid sexual anything even more. I don't have to tell you that isn't the desired result. People are attracted to things that make them feel good, they are repelled by things that make them feel bad. When sexuality becomes work- few will seek it out, most just hope it goes away.

By all means, let the therapist know how you felt when he shared all that- the more honest you are, the better idea she can get of where the disconnects are- just try to look at the stuff she says objectively/clinically and honestly assess yourself... Does that point she made have validity? Could there be any truth you need to look at and work on with God?

If hubby sees you being honest with the therapist and with yourself, if he sees you searching your heart too. And letting God heal you, perhaps he will feel less defensive and anxious and be more willing to keep working on fixing this.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: Complicated! On the right track, finally.

Postby SrAirmanswife13 » Fri Feb 05, 2016 12:32 pm

Unfulfilled wrote:What's to stop you from going to see your therapist alone yourself?

I saw her alone before he did. She actually heard my side first.
I don't see it as validation, necessarily. I just want to know that the guy I frequently give my body to actually likes it.... is that validation?
He told her he feels extremely pressured. He can't even walk into our bedroom without feeling like he has to brace himself. He also told her that when he sees me naked he just sees someone who needs to put their clothes on.
I know it's not what the Bible commands but I'm not having sex with him anymore until we work through this.

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Re: Complicated! On the right track, finally.

Postby justsomeguy » Sat Feb 06, 2016 3:50 pm

SrAirmanswife13 wrote:I know it's not what the Bible commands but...


...are words we've all spoken or thought that we now or one day will regret. I know you're frustrated but don't loose sight of the truth that God's commands are for our joy (not necessarily our momentary happiness), and His glory. Honoring the Lord's commands shows the world that Christ is more precious than anything. Hang in there

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Re: Complicated! On the right track, finally.

Postby SrAirmanswife13 » Wed Feb 24, 2016 1:50 pm

I have a wonderful update for you all!! I have no idea where his T numbers are but seeing the sex therapist each week has caused a wonderful breakthrough. After hearing both our sides of things and talking us through another couple of sessions she started putting some verbs in her sentences. And things are so much better between us. She said we both needed to relax. Simple as that sounds, we needed to hear it. It feels like this part of our relationship was packed in solid ice and now it's melting. We've been able to talk about things that we never could before and he finally sees what was really bothering me. Sex hasn't become more frequent but it's gradually becoming more passionate. He's actually talking to me during sex again. I've even gotten to where I feel comfortable flirting with him again.

And in response to my previous posts about validation, I wasn't seeking unhealthy validation from him. We figured this out with the therapist while talking about what, exactly I want from him.... I just want him to respond. I want to know that the man I give my body to actually enjoys it, and that's all. And with this heavy thing being lifted off my mind, the rest of my life is improving also. I'm a student and I've done better on every assignment and project I've done these past few weeks than I have in the past 3 years. I'm more in touch with what's going on in my children's lives. I've even made plans to see my girlfriends.

You all have been so helpful!! I can never thank you enough. We're not completely adjusted to where we want to be yet, but there is no question that we will get there.

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Re: Complicated! On the right track, finally.

Postby ledgemoor » Wed Feb 24, 2016 2:48 pm

Great news! Thanks for sharing.

And, the injections will work better.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: Complicated! On the right track, finally.

Postby 2pack » Fri Feb 26, 2016 7:42 am

That is good news. I hope this trend continues for you.
I'm a moth flyin' into the light of it's doom - You wrap me up in your love cocoon...


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