UPDATED WITH TEST RESULTS! Advice for getting DH to get tested (Low T)

Low testosterone issues, impacts on health & marriage, treatments, etc.
bride2bee16
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UPDATED WITH TEST RESULTS! Advice for getting DH to get tested (Low T)

Postby bride2bee16 » Sat Jul 23, 2016 5:27 pm

Any advice for a new wife to encourage DH to get testosterone levels tested? We have been married 4 months and his very low drive came as a huge disappointment and shocker, especially to me, and even to himself. He is a wonderful, devoted, and very affectionate husband to me, but I am quite dissatisfied with our sex life. He admits he is too. Sex is great when it happens, and he is very attentive to me, but we easily go a couple weeks at a time with no sexual encounters. Neither of us looks at porn (it has been about two years for him, and even before then, it was infrequent, "mild"-if you can call it that- porn usage). He does not masturbate. You may think perhaps I am just not aware of it, but we are very frank with each other, and he volunteers this kind of information. We talk openly with each other about sexual matters. And it's started many fights over the last four months...

He admits he probably has low T and that he thinks it has been quite low for 1-2 years. He started kind of working out a couple times a week (weights) and he thinks this will solve the problem and raise his levels. But when we are newlyweds having sex maybe 2-4 times a month, it seems really low to me. It really hurts that he doesn't notice my lingerie, and that he would rather watch Netflix than be intimate. If I put on a nightie he just says I look cute and goes back to looking at his phone. For reference, he is in his mid 30s, and I am 26. It feels like such a negative cycle, because I think some of his performance issues make him want to not even try. And then we both feel like [edit]. His friend recommended an OTC pill that helps him to maintain an erection longer, but it feels like it shouldn't be this challenging. We're not overweight, we're both young and fit, and do not have any health issues. It feels like this has come out of nowhere and sometimes I feel devastated. Maybe I should just chalk it up to his work stress? I don't know.

Are there any drawbacks to T therapy? What are some ways I could convince him its not the end of the world to get tested? I would love some advice from anyone who's been there?
Last edited by bride2bee16 on Tue Aug 02, 2016 3:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present instant. Take Peace. The gloom of the world is but a shadow; behind it, yet within our reach, is joy. Take Joy. (Fra Giovanni)

Hoosier52
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Re: Advice for getting DH to get tested (Low T)

Postby Hoosier52 » Sat Jul 23, 2016 7:58 pm

A healthy sex life is part of a happy marriage. Google "The Sex Starved Marriage" video. I forget her name, but it is good. She also has a website.

I started TRT in March. It made a positive difference. There is no shame in getting your T levels checked. The problem is finding a knowledgeable doctor. Check the Peak Testosterone Web page and forum for some very good information. Also Excelmale Web page. It could be something other than his T. Good blood work will help. That info can be found on both of the above websites.

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Re: Advice for getting DH to get tested (Low T)

Postby littleblackcloud » Sun Jul 24, 2016 2:37 am

Dear bride2bee16

My heart aches that you are experiencing this pain. I was married at 29 to a man of 34 and his low libido was a shocking disappointment to me on our honeymoon and has been a source of extreme distress to me ever since. It's taken over eight years of marriage to an ever more miserable woman and over a year of erectile dysfunction to pursuance him to go and get tested for low T. The results have just this week come back as shockingly low. I now have a fight on my hands to get him to an endocrinologist.

Do whatever you can to get him tested now! Tell him you love him and are worried about the general health effects as well as low libido. Don't put your head in the sand. Don't let him put his head in the sand. I did this and the years of my marriage have left me broken and half the woman I wanted to be.

Hugs and prayers
Littleblackcloud

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Re: Advice for getting DH to get tested (Low T)

Postby Hoosier52 » Sun Jul 24, 2016 6:18 am

Here's the link to the video, "The Sex-Starved Marriage" by Michelle Weiner-Davis. She has a book by the same title. She brings up the issue of a low drive husband. She's not a believer, but I think her advice is solid.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20

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Re: Advice for getting DH to get tested (Low T)

Postby tentsofpurple » Sun Jul 24, 2016 6:21 am

We went through something similar several years ago. We were not newlyweds, (part of the reason I knew something was wrong was dh was so different sexually than he was when we were married). It was only thanks to this forum that I even heard of low T. Unfortunately one of the symptoms of low testosterone is depression and low motivation to do anything about anything including getting tested and treatment. Throw that in with many primary care doctors and even endocrinologists being outdated on what constitutes "low" or "normal" levels and its a perfect storm.

As far as encouraging dh to get tested I basically threw a fit. I'm not saying I'd recommend that but I knew something was wrong and after months of crying myself to sleep I couldn't stand the way things were anymore. I reminded him that when we got married we always told each other that if one of us was concerned about the health (mental or physical) of the other and thought we needed to see a doctor we would do it. Unfortunately it was a bit of a rocky start finding a provider who would diagnose dh's total T levels in the 300's as low. I pretty much dragged him to 4 doctors before we found a 5th who didn't totally blow us off (we had one endocrinologist who told us because dh had a 5 o'clock shadow he "seemed pretty manly" to her. :roll: )

Anyway long story short we finally found a doctor (urologist) who specialized in men's health issues who agreed that his testosterone was low and started him on injections. After some fine tuning he was totally different. He hadn't truly realized how bad it was and was so thankful that I kept pushing (and shoving lol) him to get treated. You can read more specifics on our story if you search threads in this forum (some of them have links to credible resources on what T levels should be by age and symptoms of low T which helped convince dh that I wasn't coming up with this totally out of left field). Basically I dug my heels in (one time it actually was called for) and refused to stop trying.

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Re: Advice for getting DH to get tested (Low T)

Postby bride2bee16 » Mon Jul 25, 2016 8:30 am

Thank you so much everyone!

Hoosier52 wrote:Here's the link to the video, "The Sex-Starved Marriage" by Michelle Weiner-Davis.

Watching it now! :)

Thanks for sharing your stories littleblackcloud and tentsofpurple. Your husbands are blessed that you care so much about them and refuse to give up on them.

I brought this up to DH again last night after posting here, and told him I have been doing all I can to essentially break down the barriers standing between him and getting to an appointment. I told him about the "research" I'd been doing (online) and I've found what seems like a reliable men's clinic nearby us. I basically asked "So what's the best day for you leave the office and what time should I ask for an appointment when I call?" And unlike the other times we've discussed this he didn't put up any resistance and said what time works best for him!!! He said he needed me to take the initiative to find a reliable doctor and make an appointment, and he would go along with it if it's what I want. Doesn't even THAT behavior seem reflective of Low T??? It would actually be funny if it weren't funny.
"No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present instant. Take Peace. The gloom of the world is but a shadow; behind it, yet within our reach, is joy. Take Joy. (Fra Giovanni)

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Re: Advice for getting DH to get tested (Low T)

Postby Hoosier52 » Mon Jul 25, 2016 8:47 am

It can be embarrassing to be diagnosed as "Low T." That may be part of his reluctance. Check out the clinic thoroughly. Most doctors have no clue when it comes to TRT. I found that out the hard way. I suggest you check Defy Medical in Tampa. They are licensed to practice in all 50 states. Dr. Saya is one of the leading HRT doctors in the country. Very reasonable pricing. That's who I'm going with. Already had very thorough blood work and a physical. I consult with Dr. Saya by phone in the morning. I have some side effects from TRT because my doctor did not give me a good workup beforehand starting TRT.

bride2bee16
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Re: Advice for getting DH to get tested (Low T)

Postby bride2bee16 » Mon Jul 25, 2016 9:05 am

^^^ I agree and I do feel very sensitive to what he is going through. The clinic I found is in our local hospital and they only treat men's sexual health; they specialize in diagnosing and treating "Low T." I am very thankful to have found a place like this so accessible and close by! I have combed through their website and FAQ's and I really liked what I read there. They seem to be sensitive and professional and take men's sexual health very seriously. I am praying for the appointment to go well Wednesday! I am considering that it may be best to simultaneously get some counseling to help both of us process this whole experience... He has had a lot of counseling in the past and had a very bad experience with a Christian counselor who told him to stop working out because it was vain, apparently. So I think he has had a mental "block" over the gym ever since then.
"No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present instant. Take Peace. The gloom of the world is but a shadow; behind it, yet within our reach, is joy. Take Joy. (Fra Giovanni)

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Re: Advice for getting DH to get tested (Low T)

Postby Job29Man » Mon Jul 25, 2016 10:45 am

I'm so glad to see your approach in being sensitive and respectful to your husband in all this. Even happier to see that you are not afraid to step into the gap for him when he lacks the initiative to do what is needed for his own health. You are half of the marriage, and you also have authority over his body (study 1 Corinthians 7:1-5). My personal belief is that this passage does not refer only to sex, but also to the health of the other's body.

Your husband would do well to disregard and forget the advice of stultified legalists from his past. I trust that on TMB you will both learn more about your liberty in Christ. A man or a woman should both feel free to delight in training their own bodies to be strong, lithe, flexible, slender and healthy. This is not vanity but good stewardship. This self-discipline includes excellent nutrition, sleep, exercise, sexual health, and everything corporeal. God is pleased with this.

You are headed in the right direction.
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: Advice for getting DH to get tested (Low T)

Postby bride2bee16 » Tue Aug 02, 2016 3:52 pm

Update! My DH got the results from his blood test yesterday, and he definitely does not have low testosterone. My understanding is his T count (806 ng) is actually on the high end of average for mid-thirties-- shocker! I'm glad that we eliminated this as the problem, but now more confused about his low sex drive. I started bawling when he told me about his test results because I feel like he must just not be attracted to me and that I have somehow given him ED. Not a great feeling. I wish I knew how to handle this. Of course no one I know is going through anything like this, and when I told my best friend, she was supportive but said this is why she does not believe in waiting for marriage. So frustrating.
"No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present instant. Take Peace. The gloom of the world is but a shadow; behind it, yet within our reach, is joy. Take Joy. (Fra Giovanni)

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Re: Advice for getting DH to get tested (Low T)

Postby Hoosier52 » Tue Aug 02, 2016 4:38 pm

Testosterone alone is not the cause of ED. There are others factors or possible causes. Be careful not to blame him or yourself. If he had cancer you wouldn't blame him or yourself. Make it "our problem" and work together to correct - and it can be corrected.

He may need to try some ED med's or take nitric oxide producing supplements like L-Citrulline and L-arginine. He may also have high estradiol blood levels among other potential problems. Don't give up!


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