How much to tell FH about past?

What limits should we set before marriage?
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partydelights
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Re: How much to tell FH about past?

Postby partydelights » Thu Aug 30, 2012 7:08 pm

Robin offered advice from the standpoint of an abused wife, I agreed totally from the standpoint of a husband married to an abused.

Your experience sounded very similar to that of my DW.

I was totally innocent and thought I married a totally innocent wife. She did not tell of the abuse until recently.
That wasted a decade of true intimacy. Yes, for 10+ years, although we had lots of sex, I felt something missing. I knew there was something holding her back from becoming mine. We were one in flesh, but not one in spirit.

So I recommend telling your FH before you big day. For me, because I love my wife so much, there was no hatred at all when I knew the truth recently. Instead, I had a strong burning desire to help her out of her past. We went for counseling, and seek out psychiatrist. I'm glad she's getting out of it, although there were relapses.

But one thing for sure, because we love each other and she gained confidence in me, we really make love. Yes, make love without any third party around!

I believe if your FH really loves you, he'll love you more when you're frank and humbly accepts help. Only when you're out of your past sufficiently that love making will become sweet. I know, because I went through enough intimate sessions, thereafter feeling "it's just sex". But today, my DW and I really make love.

Don't forget to pray and ask your trusted friends and counselors to pray for you. Jesus is always there to open prison doors and free souls bounded by the effects of sins (theirs or others).
I love my wife, that's why I crave to have sex with her.

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skypilot
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Re: How much to tell FH about past?

Postby skypilot » Sun Oct 07, 2012 4:02 am

I would strongly urge you to tell your FH about what has happened to you. From a husbands point of view my DW thought she had it all handled and dwelt with but it held her back and I couldn't figure out what the problem was. My wife said it wasn't me and didn't know what was happening, it wasn't until many years into the marriage that she told me of her abuse and everything fell into place. I suggest that you set a date to tell your FH and have a councilor available for you both to talk with and work your way through with.

May God's mighty Blessing rest on you both as you take this walk.

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padsnd
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How much to tell FH about past?

Postby padsnd » Sun Oct 07, 2012 4:25 am

skypilot wrote:From a husbands point of view my DW thought she had it all handled and dwelt with but it held her back and I couldn't figure out what the problem was.


It sounds like this is one of those more accurate typos.



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RediscoveredDW
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How much to tell FH about past?

Postby RediscoveredDW » Thu Oct 11, 2012 3:12 pm

Please tell him. It took DW nearly 14 years of marriage to disclose a bad relationship, and nearly another year before she spoke with a counselor about it. Even today, I do not know much about it. It's still a topic we meet with the counselor to resolve.

I can tell you that for years, things just didn't seem just right. DW said it wasn't anything, but it definitely affected our communication, intimacy, and trust in all sorts of ways. She thought our intimacy struggles and my depression were just my issues, and not about us. mShe attempted to hide that part of herself, and it became apparent that there was a wall built around her heart and emotions. She continued to deny things, until I chipped into the wall, resulting in a massive emotional explosion. Not a pretty situation.

You might have issues to work through, but they WILL eventually come to the surface. Personally, after being told lies to direct questions, it has severely affected trust in ways that never had to happen.

FH might be scared off from your disclosure, but you and he are better knowing the truth, and working through the issues with a truly loving spouse.


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