Me and my fiance have differing views on mb

What limits should we set before marriage?
MadeNew
Double
Posts: 98
Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2012 5:16 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 1st, 2013
Gender: Male

Me and my fiance have differing views on mb

Postby MadeNew » Tue Dec 11, 2012 5:40 pm

Dear friends, please help me.

I've had a bad past, there was time when I was addicted to porn, and participated in fornication. However, the Lord has helped me and healed me from having to use porn, and I no longer fornicate. The images and situations and persons no longer dominate my imagination like they used to. Long story short, I got engaged to this wonderful girl this September. I still struggle with masturbation. Having discovered this forum recently, I am now ambivalent on issue of masturbation (whereas I used to think its absolutely sinful).

My fiance knows about my past, and about my ongoing struggle. She would like me to quit masturbating, and she comes(as well as I do) from a background where masturbation is considered very wrong, and it is taught in our church that its wrong as well. I am doing my very best to quit before we marry in May. Its causing distress in our relationship...I don't know what to do...cos I'd like to quit but I'm really struggling...I showed her a Focus on the Family article that helped her to understand my struggles more, but obviously they come down on the side that masturbation can cause marriage problems.

Any advice?
Last edited by MadeNew on Mon Dec 17, 2012 11:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.

User avatar
mrvan
Queen bed
Posts: 126
Joined: Mon May 16, 2011 8:13 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 29th, 2000
Gender: Male

Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby mrvan » Tue Dec 11, 2012 5:56 pm

I believe the Bible is silent on MB. Folks point to Onan but his sin was failing to meet his obligation, not MB.

MB is a problem when porn and lust are present, and denying ones spouse. We should be ready to ML with our spouses and they get first right of refusal.

It's OK to agree no MB when married, but many men that do do so because their drives are higher than their DWs and the DWs aren't generous to a high enough amount to cover. Also there may be business trips, or pregnancy, etc. where there won't be PIV. How long without is any activity is OK. I'd be cranky after even a few days.

Insisting it is sin will instill that in your kids as well. If the Bible is silent who are we to make a rule?

I

User avatar
mrvan
Queen bed
Posts: 126
Joined: Mon May 16, 2011 8:13 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 29th, 2000
Gender: Male

Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby mrvan » Tue Dec 11, 2012 5:58 pm

BTW I was speaking from a mans perspective only and didn't mean to insinuate that the same couldn't be true from the DW to the DH.

MadeNew
Double
Posts: 98
Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2012 5:16 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 1st, 2013
Gender: Male

Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby MadeNew » Tue Dec 11, 2012 6:00 pm

Maybe I could ask her to read this website's article on mb?

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 15911
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby Leah » Tue Dec 11, 2012 6:24 pm

Welcome to the boards, Andy. Congratulations on your engagement.

I'm going to suggest that you not let it be an issue. Let your fiancee have her point of view.

I'm also going to suggest that you think seriously about what masturbation has the potential to do. Sure it's a relief. It might help you stay pure from here on out. What I want you to think about is the habits you have developed. I have no idea under what circumstances you became involved in porn and other sexual sins, and I'm not concerned with that. The past is what it is. What you need to think about is how your habits will shape your future.

I've been married a long time to someone who has had a major problem with pornography and masturbation. As far as anyone knows he is clean now, but here is how this past habit has affected our marriage.

1. There is little concern for how my needs are met. As it happens, I have a healthy sex drive and I like sex. I would like better quality sex and quite a bit more quantity. The hurry up of masturbation has ruined this for us. My husband has trained himself to go from zero to 60 in about three minutes. I would really like to savor the experience a little more, but I generally do not have that opportunity because of the long years of my husband's secret masturbation.

2. Our sexual experience is somewhat dishonest, and I lay that at the door of pornography and masturbation. My husband has trained himself to be satisfied with a very quick engagement, and his ideas of the experience were shaped by what he saw. If I don't respond as quickly or as enthusiastically (I'm fairly low key on most things), then husband gets his feelings hurt.

3. My husband is actually a refuser because of porn and masturbation. He has a problem having sex in the context of a relationship because the only relationship he understands is the one he has with himself. He does not want to take the time to understand a woman and her body and he can't bring loving emotions to the experience. I look at his masturbation as a kind of bullimia. He masturbated because he felt bad and wanted to be rid of the feelings, not because he wanted to bond and be in a deep, intimate relationship with me. We have sex now about once every other week. That's not enough. At one point my husband refused totally for over 2.5 years. Big time damage to our relationship. I spent a lot of time in recovery groups and counseling to get through that. It's what led me here.

This last thing ^^^ is what I want you to think about. Your context for sex needs to be about your wife and your marriage, not yourself only. While sex is a powerful stress reliever, it is not the only way to relieve stress, and the purpose in marriage is not only to relieve stress. I want you to think about what your marriage means to God, and to you, and to your future wife. It's important that you see the role of sex in all that. I have no objection to masturbation as a practice to give release when a spouse is not available, but I have been negatively affected by the misuse of it.

Again, welcome to the boards. This is a good place that means a lot to me. There are good folks here who will bless you a lot if you let them.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

ledgemoor
Under the stars
Posts: 2957
Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2005 7:31 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 3rd, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby ledgemoor » Tue Dec 11, 2012 6:45 pm

Hi Andy:

Make sure that your fiancee understand male physiology. Our bodies make semen, and it has to come out sooner or later.

The standard rebuttal to those who have decided that masturbation is wrong is: nocturnal emissions. They work for some guys apparently, but not everyone. I have had only a handful in my lifetime, and the dreams that accompanied them were, let's just say "disturbing".

Of course masturbation shouldn't deprive a wife, but that isn't a problem you have now. As a married man, I do masturbate, but almost always with DW present.

Masturbation can be a training tool for premature ejaculation, and sometimes I will masturbate before a planned sex date so as to allow me to last longer. I have heard that some men develop a really fast response because they are afraid to get caught masturbating as boys, and rush thru it. Bottom line, there are negative aspects to everything under the sun.

Anyway, you and your fiancee may have to agree to disagree on this. Good practice for marriage :lol:
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

User avatar
Dale
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Posts: 3051
Joined: Mon Mar 15, 2004 7:46 am
Location: Somewhere between Mordor and Rivendell

Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby Dale » Tue Dec 11, 2012 6:48 pm

Masturbation when single and masturbation when married are two very different things. The former can (and I believe it perfectly proper) be used as a means of release and helping to keep our God-given but easily corrupted sex drive at bay -- provided that it is used without pornography or lust for another.

But when you become married, many things change, including the use of masturbation. Within marriage, masturbation should be with the knowledge and approval of the other spouse, and under no means should it be used as a substitute for intimacy or as an escape hatch (which is what Leah's situation seems to be). Sexual intimacy in marriage is sometimes hard work, but it is the work that a husband and wife are required to do for the sake and for the blessing of the other. When one party takes the escape route of improper masturbation, the marriage suffers, even if pornography is not involved. It's double or triple the damage when porn is thrown in!

So, what I think you probably need here is some balance in your thinking. You have been addicted to porn in the past, and masturbation was a natural outcome of the porn use. But the two are not inseparable (which is a mistake the church often makes when teaching about it!). So, as a single guy, masturbation can be used in a proper way to help with the release your body needs. When you get married, your wife is to be the primary participant in your sexuality--not your own hand! There may be times in your marriage when you will need to masturbate, such as during a sickness or pregnancy -- but those times should be at the permission and blessing of your wife.

Hopefully that gives you something to think about...

Dale

User avatar
poetess
Under the stars
Posts: 3025
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2012 8:47 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 8th, 2011
Gender: Female

Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby poetess » Tue Dec 11, 2012 7:02 pm

Leah,

Could you clarify this, because this could be read a couple of different ways:

I'm going to suggest that you not let it be an issue. Let your fiancee have her point of view.


Do you mean don't fight about it; it's OK that you have different views on the subject, or surrender to her point of view and stop doing it?

One possible reading (I don't have strong opinions on this, BTW) is that since he is single and has no ability for sexual outlet yet, masturbating without lust might be OK now . . . but he needs to be aware that in marriage it isn't a good idea. He can be doing it as a temporary measure to control his lusts, but it isn't ideal in marriage. Thus, even now, the less frequently he can do it, the better for their marriage bed later. (This would be my tentative suggestion, and possibly what you are saying, but I'm not sure.)

Before my husband and I married, I specifically told him I wanted the right of first refusal. We are a unit; we do not have "his" and "hers" sexual needs, but "ours." Occasionally one of us is too tired to enjoy it or not feeling well, but the general principle is that marriage provides the privilege of sex, and both of us should be generous both in not requesting it when the other one really cannot and in trying to meet the other's needs. (I will tell him, for example, that I can see he is too tired tonight, but tomorrow I will want him. That communicates both sympathy for his current state and desire.) If I were truly unavailable, sick for several days or whatever, then I would not feel offended at his choosing a physical release . . . but sex is about us, not just one of us.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 15911
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby Leah » Tue Dec 11, 2012 7:05 pm

poetess wrote:Leah,

Could you clarify this, because this could be read a couple of different ways:

I'm going to suggest that you not let it be an issue. Let your fiancee have her point of view.


Do you mean don't fight about it; it's OK that you have different views on the subject, or surrender to her point of view and stop doing it?


I mean it's not a hill to die on. They have different views. She's allowed to have an opinion.

Although, the OP would be wise to note how they handle conflict. They should have their own opinions and points of view without fear of condemnation from the other.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

Arogen

Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby Arogen » Tue Dec 11, 2012 9:27 pm

There are churches and Christians who say it is fine, and other that say it is a sin. You have to take it to God yourself and get your own conviction of what God wants you to do. Then, however hard it may be, you need to live as you know God wants. You are not going to answer to a church or theologian or poster here on judgement day, you will answer to God, so ask Him about it.

livinginblurredlines

Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby livinginblurredlines » Wed Dec 12, 2012 4:23 am

Arogen wrote:There are churches and Christians who say it is fine, and other that say it is a sin. You have to take it to God yourself and get your own conviction of what God wants you to do. Then, however hard it may be, you need to live as you know God wants. You are not going to answer to a church or theologian or poster here on judgement day, you will answer to God, so ask Him about it.


Amen! +10000000000000000!!!

What helped me was whenever I wanted to mb, I instead prayed for my husband, my marriage, my marriage bed, other broken marriages, etc. I had all this pent up energy, so I used it for good rather than selfishness. I used it for Godliness rather than humanism.

For the record, I do still mb but it is more ocassionally when I miss hubby or he doesn't give me an O out of laziness.

User avatar
poetess
Under the stars
Posts: 3025
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2012 8:47 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 8th, 2011
Gender: Female

Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby poetess » Wed Dec 12, 2012 5:19 am

LIBL, I think there are two big differences between your situation and the OP's: you're a woman (we don't have the same biological need for release) and you're married. I have a hunch the question of masturbation is much different for a man, and for sure it's different in marriage.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

MadeNew
Double
Posts: 98
Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2012 5:16 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 1st, 2013
Gender: Male

Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby MadeNew » Wed Dec 12, 2012 6:26 am

We handle conflict pretty well, comparing to a previous relationship I had a while back. One of us talks, the other one talks, we arrive at some sort of solution - the usual of how its supposed to work...I think...

Its just when I told her I still struggle w mb, it was kind of difficult for her, because she believes from focus on the family that it will cause problems later for us.

She says she wishes I didn't have to deal with it because she can see how difficult it is for me to fight it. But she still loves me. And she says its not stopping her from still loving me. But she also seems to be saying that says she's hoping I wouldn't take any problems with me into the marriage.
Last edited by MadeNew on Wed Dec 12, 2012 6:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
txtwindad
Under the stars
Posts: 4078
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:29 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 13th, 1983
Gender: Male

Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby txtwindad » Wed Dec 12, 2012 6:40 am

I think you are misrepresenting the Focus on the Family position on masturbation. They state that it shouldn't become a habit and should not involve porn. Not that it is a sin. More that it can be abused and become a sin. Here is a quote from the FontheF web site.

But when masturbation becomes a routine and frequent habit, especially when accompanied by vivid sexual fantasies or, worse, the viewing of pornography, it can be damaging to sexual and emotional health. In essence, a young man may have hundreds of sexual experiences associated with unrealistic or overtly distorted imagery, reinforced with the extreme pleasure of sexual release. At the very least, when he marries, his real-life sexual partner may seem disappointing by comparison, and his physical and emotional bonding with her may be impaired. This problem will be more significant if there have been many actual sexual partners before the wedding night. At worst, he may come in contact with violent or degrading images and associate his own sexual release with them.

Your approach to this issue will need to be both tactful and realistic. A bottom line worth stressing is that masturbation should not play a major role in your child's life, either as a source of relentless guilt or as a frequent and persistent habit that displaces healthy sexual relations in the future. If it happens once in a while, it happens. But it should not be pursued as a form of recreation, especially while viewing sexually provocative material, and it should never be allowed to occur with other people.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

User avatar
thisbejoe7
Under the stars
Posts: 2743
Joined: Wed Jun 24, 2009 10:50 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 28th, 1998
Gender: Male
Location: Tampa, FL

Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby thisbejoe7 » Wed Dec 12, 2012 6:44 am

Maybe this is just me, but if the fiance is really uptight over the MB issue, it makes me wonder what else might be going on with her view of sexuality. Please understand that I'm reacting to this out of my own context and experiences - so this may not be the case at all - but my wife is/was very anti-MB. She has never been able to give a solid defense of why she thinks its wrong, but her "feelings" always trump my arguments. And when you throw out the "personal conviction" card - well, its a show stopper.

In our situation, DW's stance against MB stems from a deep area of legalism and emotional dysfunction. It was just one symptom of a much larger issue. Not trying to say that if you are anti-MB there will always be serious issues or you are somehow "dysfunctional" - I'm just saying that one's view of MB can shed light on other more serious issues a person might have with sexuality in general.

I think Leah is spot on and you'd be wise to listen to her. Do what you need to do to steward your sexuality and let her have her opinion. Try not to let it become a major issue in the relationship, as much as you can help it anyway - if she forces the issue then it might be a different story. You should probably find out how big of a deal this is to her.

MadeNew
Double
Posts: 98
Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2012 5:16 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 1st, 2013
Gender: Male

Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby MadeNew » Wed Dec 12, 2012 6:50 am

It seems to be a big deal for her, cos she seems to be saying that she is hoping God can help me with this by the time we marry...

MadeNew
Double
Posts: 98
Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2012 5:16 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 1st, 2013
Gender: Male

Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby MadeNew » Wed Dec 12, 2012 6:53 am

By "stewarding my own sexuality" , do u mean I can go ahead and mb once in a while, but she doesn't need to know that now I've decided its ok to do that, and that I do that sometimes?

User avatar
thisbejoe7
Under the stars
Posts: 2743
Joined: Wed Jun 24, 2009 10:50 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 28th, 1998
Gender: Male
Location: Tampa, FL

Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby thisbejoe7 » Wed Dec 12, 2012 7:00 am

andy_m wrote:It seems to be a big deal for her, cos she seems to be saying that she is hoping God can help me with this by the time we marry...


Now that bothers me a little. It seems that she views you as weak because you can't "shake" this sin. She is putting herself in the superior position as the more "spiritual" person - because she doesn't MB. I see a red flag and potential for future problems. The kind of problems that are hard to see at first - early in the relationship - but that over time turn into difficult issues.

What if you don't stop MB before the wedding? What then? What will she say or do?

To clarify what I said about "stewarding your sexuality" - I just mean that you should do what you need to do to keep yourself under control. Listen, people who don't shoot up hard-core drugs, typically don't feel the need to do that. People who don't gamble, don't feel the need/desire to run to the casino. Once we start down a path of behavior and experience (good or bad) its very hard to shake those "feelings" that draw us to those behaviors. You MB, you've been down that path, your body is sexually mature and is now accustomed to sexual release. My guess is that if you stop MB, you will experience greater temptation and will have more difficulty keeping yourself under control. The Bible tells us that we should practice self-control - which some people interpret as utter sexual abstinence in any way, shape or form. But if you read the TMB stance on MB and view it as tool that can be used to keep you from being rules by your hormones and sexual desires - then...well....frankly its a good thing, its part of stewarding your sexuality. Its part of self-control, using MB to control one's sexual drive while singe is quite frankly a God honoring thing to do.

If she disagrees with you on the issue, then you have a choice to make. Do you conform to her views, or do you have a position on the issue that is just as legitimate as hers which you are willing to defend? How much are you willing to lose over this?

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 15911
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby Leah » Wed Dec 12, 2012 7:17 am

andy_m wrote:It seems to be a big deal for her, cos she seems to be saying that she is hoping God can help me with this by the time we marry...


Marriage is not a cure for taking matters into your own hands. I mean that broadly. Marriage changes a lot of things, but people do not alway want to adapt to the oneness of marriage.

What I'm saying to you is that if masturbation is a means if ridding yourself of feelings you don't want to deal with, then I think you might have some more to do. If you need the sexual release, that's a differ animal.

I'm not telling you what to do. I'm saying there are some things for you to think about and that's all.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

ledgemoor
Under the stars
Posts: 2957
Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2005 7:31 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 3rd, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby ledgemoor » Wed Dec 12, 2012 9:45 am

Andy_M wrote:Its just when I told her I still struggle w mb, it was kind of difficult for her, because she believes from focus on the family that it will cause problems later for us.

She says she wishes I didn't have to deal with it because she can see how difficult it is for me to fight it. But she still loves me. And she says its not stopping her from still loving me. But she also seems to be saying that says she's hoping I wouldn't take any problems with me into the marriage.


I hate to keep harping on this, but I'm not getting thru apparently. You shouldn't feel that you are "struggling" with masturbation any more than you feel that you are struggling with needing to use the bathroom. The need for semen release is, at its core, just as much a normal and routine bodily function as your need to urinate. You don't need it as often and you have more control over it, but sooner or later you will "fail".

James Dobson also says there are two kinds of boys -- those who masturbate and those who lie about it.

Andy_M wrote:It seems to be a big deal for her, cos she seems to be saying that she is hoping God can help me with this by the time we marry...

Well, when you're married, assuming she is willing to take care of the frequent needs of a young man, you won't need to masturbate anymore.

It is very likely that you will want it more often than her, and when you are married you will need it more often than you do now. It is OK if she doesn't want to have sex every time you do. As the generous wife I am assuming she will be, she will be giving a lot of charity sex. But life does get in the way, and if you need to take care of yourself occasionally, that's fine too.

An alternative to sex and outright masturbation when you marry is for her to give you a hand job. Discuss this with her.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)


Return to “Sexual Limits (Engaged)”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users