Me and my fiance have differing views on mb

What limits should we set before marriage?
MusicianForever
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Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby MusicianForever » Mon Dec 17, 2012 6:44 pm

txtwindad wrote:
MusicianForever wrote:
andy_m wrote:whew. we talked. everything is fine :-)

Good. :D

Deelmo wrote:Masturbation is wrong. Just totally wrong. For all the reasons that Leah stated plus more. I have been a porn addict, and a bad one at that. I quit porn and MB almost two before I married. Cold turkey. It can be done. You can do it. I consider masturbation to be self-sex and that was NOT in God's design. (look for others here on TMB to pull out their flame throwers at me) I appreciate your maturity in recognizing that fact that your porn history probably taints MB for you. The attitude towards sex that porn creates has been explained very well be Leah. Your attitude towards sex should be ALL about your wife. Every bit of your sexual energy should be focused on your wife, not yourself. And hers on you. Now that you are engaged - start focusing your mind on her. Let your sexual energy build towards her (don't cross the line!!!) IMHO, masturbation is the cheap and easy way out. So what if you may frustrated - so what. Maybe (again IMHO) God designed it this way so you would turn to your spouse. AND WORK TOGETHER ON IT.
Now, everyone put up the flame throwers. I'm not saying MB is a sin, but it is wrong. Many things not specifically mentioned in the Bible are wrong - ie: pot, drugs, smoking. You must do what The Holy Spirit guides YOU to do.

+1000 (And I know I’m making myself awfully unpopular around here by agreeing with that!)


andy_m wrote: I still struggle with masturbation. Having discovered this forum recently, I am now ambivalent on issue of masturbation (whereas I used to think its absolutely sinful).

When I was growing up nobody ever told me it was “wrong”, and it never even occured to me that it could be wrong...until I felt convicted by God after the first time I did it.

After visiting TMB I became convinced for a while that it was okay, but I ended up feeling convicted by God again that I shouldn’t do it. I’m with Deelmo on this one—you must do what the Holy Spirit guides you to do. I’d recommend you seek God about this one.


I have no issue with you stating that MB is wrong for you and that the Holy Spirit has dealt with you on this matter. The problem comes when you agree with Deelmo's statment that "MB is wrong. Just totally wrong". It is fine for you that you feel a clear calling not to MB. But, do not assign your calling to others. There is no Biblical justification for this position that withstands scrutiny. It has already been argued here ad nauseum.

I don’t want to get into a debate or anything. I only brought it up because it sounded to me like the OP always thought it was wrong before coming here. I was thinking it would be a good idea for him to seek God on the issue and not just take peoples' word for it. It's really between him, his FW, and God.

[Mod Note: Here's another example of overuse of quotes. You quoted quotes of quotes. It's too much. Please stick to the least quoting that will get the point across.]
“My concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God’s side, for God is always right.”—Abraham Lincoln

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Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby mr. emu » Mon Dec 17, 2012 8:44 pm

andy_m wrote: and... like i predicted she was concerned that i might prefer my hand as opposed to her. to which i responded by promising that i wont be selfserving and too lazy to pleasure her and depriving her of sex, simply cos i prefer my hand.


... not sure I agree w/ a few pieces of your perspective, especially this one. First, always be careful when making promises about specific behaviors w/in marriage. My guess is that at some point in the first 6 months of your marriage, you might "be self-serving" and possibly even "too lazy to pleasure her" ... or at least it might seem like that to her ... and if/when she (rightfully) comes back at you w/ the, "You promised ..." lingo, well, the argument goes downhill fast from there. Plan on being incredibly generous sexually and otherwise (and communicate that to her), and by God's grace, keep your marriage vows ... but those specific promises for specific behaviors before you're married often backfire. Second, unless you are under specific orders from her to masturbate once you're married, I don't think you should ever prefer your hand to what she has to offer ... but maybe I'm not understanding your "cos I prefer my hand" wording.

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Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on mb

Postby MadeNew » Mon Dec 17, 2012 11:41 pm

I meant to say that she wouldn't need to compete with my hand. In another words, I promised to be tthe husband who wouldn't tell his wife to leave him alone cos he'd rather mb than make love to her. Cos she was concerned about that.

In another words, I reassured her, that she won't be deprived. Or in another words, I said that I won't prefer my hand to my wife. is that better?

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Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby mamame » Tue Dec 18, 2012 4:51 am

andy_m wrote:then i wanted to talk about, what if our sex drives are different and stuff, and i still might need it. but on that one, we just decided that we'll cross that bridge when we get there :-)


Andy - you are at that bridge. This IS the time to talk about it. You have to be proactive about a good sex life.

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Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on mb

Postby ledgemoor » Tue Dec 18, 2012 5:43 pm

Andy, glad that you had the talk and that it went well. BTW, in some ways sex is easier to discuss now than after you are married. It is all theoretical at this point and nothing can be construed as criticism about one's actions or lack thereof in the bedroom.

I am positive that you will find that preferring her to your hand will not be a problem! If hands were that great, prostitutes would be out of business :lol: . I was having erectile difficulties, and I was sometimes unable to insert my penis but was able to masturbate to orgasm. But trust me, I did not "prefer" may hand at all!
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on masturbation...

Postby MadeNew » Tue Dec 18, 2012 5:44 pm

Folks, thanks for all your replies, i appreciate all the replies. I've been short with my responses, because I am very busy lately, christmas season and all and driving 200 miles every other weekend to see her, all that stuff - just makes me super busy. I found some time to respond to some of your comments, so I'll do that now.

MusicianForever wrote:I don’t want to get into a debate or anything. I only brought it up because it sounded to me like the OP always thought it was wrong before coming here. I was thinking it would be a good idea for him to seek God on the issue and not just take peoples' word for it. It's really between him, his FW, and God.


Yes, I thought it was wrong, but couldnt stop. It drove me further and further away from faith, because I thought God rejected me and He won't help me with this "sin". Because of false guilt, I decided to give in and try the real thing, since my reasoning was "im not a virgin anyways, since I have sinned in such manner for so long and havent been able to stop" ( I now know this reasoning is false). The devil used this false guilt to completely drive me away from even trying to walk in the faith.

Leah wrote:What you need to think about is how your habits will shape your future.

I've been married a long time to someone who has had a major problem with pornography and masturbation. As far as anyone knows he is clean now, but here is how this past habit has affected our marriage.
.

Leah, thank you for your response. I am very sad that your husband is like that. I promised my FW that in our future sex life I will not let mb take away from our togetherness.

poetess wrote:Occasionally one of us is too tired to enjoy it or not feeling well, but the general principle is that marriage provides the privilege of sex, and both of us should be generous both in not requesting it when the other one really cannot and in trying to meet the other's needs. (I will tell him, for example, that I can see he is too tired tonight, but tomorrow I will want him. That communicates both sympathy for his current state and desire.) If I were truly unavailable, sick for several days or whatever, then I would not feel offended at his choosing a physical release . . . but sex is about us, not just one of us.

Yeah...that makes sense, thanks for that :-)

Dale wrote:So, as a single guy, masturbation can be used in a proper way to help with the release your body needs. When you get married, your wife is to be the primary participant in your sexuality--not your own hand! There may be times in your marriage when you will need to masturbate, such as during a sickness or pregnancy -- but those times should be at the permission and blessing of your wife.

Hopefully that gives you something to think about...

Dale

Yeah, thats kinda what i tried to communicate to her, and to ya'll here, I hope it came across that way...

Leah wrote:What I'm saying to you is that if masturbation is a means if ridding yourself of feelings you don't want to deal with, then I think you might have some more to do. If you need the sexual release, that's a differ animal.

I just need sexual release, I dont think I use it to deal with stress or depression. I need it, cos otherwise, it becomes really difficult, maybe even next to impossible for me to just function normally throughout the day, I'd be thinking about sex, my desire would keep rising, and keep rising, until something happens.

Dale wrote: I see HUGE red flags for your future sex life here. If what you are interpreting as her attitude right now is correct, then she is setting herself up (probably unconsciously) to be the "driver" of your sex life together, the one who is in control because she has more self-control than you do. Big problem!!
Dale

I now think we will be ok, after talking with her about it, i believe she doesnt see it as a sin that im trying to shake off.

mamame wrote:
andy_m wrote:then i wanted to talk about, what if our sex drives are different and stuff, and i still might need it. but on that one, we just decided that we'll cross that bridge when we get there :-)


Andy - you are at that bridge. This IS the time to talk about it. You have to be proactive about a good sex life.

Ok, you convinced me. At some point, we will discuss our hopes as far as sex life goes. Our marriage is still 5 months away. Or should i say expectations. Im not sure if I like the word expectations though...

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Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on mb

Postby OnlyGodCanJudgeMe » Tue Dec 18, 2012 6:21 pm

andy_m wrote:Ok, you convinced me. At some point, we will discuss our hopes as far as sex life goes. Our marriage is still 5 months away. Or should i say expectations. Im not sure if I like the word expectations though...

Good plan. Discuss it now. Good luck Andy and God bless

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Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on mb

Postby MusicianForever » Thu Dec 20, 2012 11:52 pm

andy_m wrote:Yes, I thought it was wrong, but couldnt stop. It drove me further and further away from faith, because I thought God rejected me and He won't help me with this "sin". Because of false guilt, I decided to give in and try the real thing, since my reasoning was "im not a virgin anyways, since I have sinned in such manner for so long and havent been able to stop" ( I now know this reasoning is false). The devil used this false guilt to completely drive me away from even trying to walk in the faith.

Well I know too that guilt (whether warranted or unwarranted) can lead to bad decisions. I started reading erotica years ago because I thought, "What difference does it make since I already masturbate?" And I know that was false reasoning too.
“My concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God’s side, for God is always right.”—Abraham Lincoln

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Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on mb

Postby nick421 » Tue Jan 08, 2013 2:03 pm

I've not read the entire thread, but here are my views on the topic.

Masturbation is neither good nor evil. It is something that, when done in moderation can be just fine. I think people get all tripped up (especially teens and early twenties) about trying to quit, then feeling guilty while their hormones are screaming for release, and then "falling." People masturbate. It is what it is. Premarital sex is a bad idea because of the potential for unwanted pregnancy. Plain and simple. God favors a family unit, and if people are not committed, then sex risks bringing a child into the world when a couple isn't ready to commit. Masturbation does not pose this risk.

Satan brings guilt and trips up many Christian young people through guilt. I struggled for YEARS with this, and finally concluded my guilt was not from the Holy Spirit, but from the erroneous teaching I received as a young person on the issue, and through Satan exploiting that and making me feel guilty. Realizing this liberated me.

Having said that, I do beleive people can do it to excess and it becomes problematic when one becomes anti social, begins using porn, etc. I do believe God may call people to abstain, just as some abstain from alcohol. However, do not interpret guilt as God calling you to abstain.

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Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on mb

Postby arbitratu » Thu Mar 21, 2013 8:21 am

I will probably be a bit in the minority here, but, I will have to lean a bit on Romans 14 with this discussion. While Romans 14 dealt with eating or not eating certain foods, the overlying point Paul talked about is what's applicable, and that goes beyond issues of just food.

Probably nobody here would say that it's wrong to eat meat, or eat pork. However, Paul said that there could be some cases in which eating those things would be sin. First, if you are unsure whether or not what you're about to do may be sin, or think it might be sin and do it anyway, or act on something not in faith (Rom 14:23), then that what you're doing is sin. Second, if what you're doing distresses someone else, or causes them to sin, or is not done in love towards them, then what you're doing is sin (Rom 14:15).

I think Biblically speaking, the most important thing you should consider now is how to love your wife-to-be, and one day love your wife. Even to the cost of your own physical desires, your own wants/needs ... you should consider most important how to love her well, how to encourage her and help keep her from struggling and sinning (as we should do with all believers).

I know Mb might accompany lust, and so that lust would be sin. I know Mb might mean a man retreats from his wife and can't devote his body to her, and so that would be sin. I know Mb might involve a selfish pleasure and desire, and so that would be sin. I say "might" in these because I don't know each situation. But it seems with the example you're giving, the action that you may or may not be free to do is causing your wife-to-be to struggle, perhaps even to sin ... and you don't not seem entirely sure that what you're doing is not sin and yet continue anyway. And so I will look to Romans 14 for an answer to that.

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Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on mb

Postby gulfcoastgal » Sat Oct 12, 2013 6:28 pm

My husband and I hold differing viewpoints on masturbation and enjoy a mutually satisfying marriage bed. It can be done. :D
Don't blame it on the good times
Blame it on the boogie
~Jackson 5

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Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on mb

Postby bikebubba » Thu Jan 09, 2014 12:44 pm

I don't think masturbation is wrong--I differ with the Catholic interpretation of Onan's sin in Genesis--but I do have to note that it's prevalent for the "self-pleasurer" to have an image around--either physically or in his mind--to do so. That would be a violation of Christ's prohibition of desiring one who is not one's spouse in Matthew 5:27-8, I believe. So anyone who does this does need to consider whether that is the case.

More or less, I'd have to go to a degree with Leah's point that what's really at stake is whether you will belong fully to your wife-to-be. And I think that as you concentrate on that, you're going to get the side effect of desiring to masturbate less often. Your eyes will be on the proper target.

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Re: Me and my fiance have differing views on mb

Postby jerem » Sun Feb 23, 2014 3:37 pm

i hope this helps. . .
I personally try to not Masturbate.I only do so as the lack of sexual release stops sleep, and let my lovely fiancee know.

why
a history of watching pornography and seeing many beautiful women around the world
as well as an assumed teaching that MB is EVIL! leaves me more in the category of disconnection rather than guilt now, which is what used to occur, taking me further away from growing a fledgling belief.
it is a disconection from the feelings of desire for my future wife and the pure joy i can see coming from making love to her

BUT ALSO an emptiness of realisation that it is not the conclusion for sex GOD INTENDED. i would probably struggle with it even when we are married and it being mutual or by others consent for this same reason. . .


12 months from my wedding i can see the damage that all these things (porn w/ MB, MB, fantasy and lust) have had, are having and will have to my marriage to a lovely lady next year. she knows that i worry about that and am
working to keep everything i can for her, and am also seeking counselling, because ive come to the conclusion that a majority of reasons Pre marital sexual acts occur, may have some subconscious tether which needs to be rooted out, either by the power of marriage OR if your patient and lucky through the guidance of a good counsel.

I only MB as the lack of sexual release stops sleep.


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