Now v.s Later

What limits should we set before marriage?
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Pandaschatz
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Now v.s Later

Postby Pandaschatz » Sun Apr 28, 2013 7:24 am

Last week I posted here: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=57803 about our struggles to stay pure.

FH and I had a pretty good week of not seeing each other, followed by a Friday and Saturday of sexting. We sinned again, and we have no one to blame but ourselves.
I got angry, and frustrated. In a moment of exasperation, I suggested once again that we get married now, and celebrate our wedding later. FH is still very concerned about our self-control issues, and that we may be rushing into it, but it's now on the table as an option. We had a long talk about it last night, and realized that we need to discern our contrasting view points so that we can become of one mind. Today we are going to see a pastor that I am acquainted with and ask her advice on the matter. We want to get pre-marital counseling either way, speak with our parents, as well as my aunt who is performing our September ceremony.

We sinned, against God ourselves, and each other. We have repented and we want to do what is right in the eyes of God. But we also know that marriage cannot and should not be undone if possible. So we don't want to rush into something when maybe we need these months to work on things in our relationship.
We did six months of discernment before getting engaged, and that included counseling. So we feel led, and certain of our call to marriage. But we want to know if the timing matters to God.
So my questions are:
1.Could getting married early just be a way for us to cover up other issues in our relationship that we are blind to?
2. I know a lot of people on here say "Legal Ceremony first, then church ceremony." But could we do this in the church now, and then wait to get our marriage licence in September?
3. If we decide to get married now, how public do we make it? Is it deceitful not to share it with others?
4. FH and I don't live together, but there are many parts of our lives that are united. If you were in a similar situation, and got married, how did this affect the beginning of your marriage?
"The basis for getting married that conforms to the way of Christ is a regard for the advancement of the kingdom of God upon the earth."-Richard Foster

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Mrs. Tomorrow
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Now v.s Later

Postby Mrs. Tomorrow » Sun Apr 28, 2013 7:55 am

Pandaschatz wrote:So my questions are:
1.Could getting married early just be a way for us to cover up other issues in our relationship that we are blind to?

Well, that depends on what the issues are. If you have other large issues outside of trying to keep your hands off each other, then marriage certainly won't fix them. But even then, I'd say that it's better to get married and be able have to have sex and work through the other issues without having to also worry about keeping your hands off each other. However, if keeping your hands off each other is the biggest issue right now, getting married makes that a non-issue. Staying engaged to "gain self control" when "self control" purely means keeping your hands off each other is a red herring to me. You're never going to need to control your hands around each other once you're married, so if you're really considering getting married now, just do it. In this case, IMO, waiting is just setting yourself up for failure.

2. I know a lot of people on here say "Legal Ceremony first, then church ceremony." But could we do this in the church now, and then wait to get our marriage licence in September?

What's the point? If you're getting married now, go ahead and make it legal. I know some people say that the church ceremony is more important than the piece of paper, but intentionally not doing it legally first is foolish to me. If you got pregnant before the legal marriage, you could run into problems with insurance, social stigma, etc. just pay the $72 (or whatever it is where you live) and get the piece of paper. If you're gonna call yourselves married, it's best that everyone else recognizes it.

3. If we decide to get married now, how public do we make it? Is it deceitful not to share it with others?

If they're going to be at your celebration in September, tell them. If they're part of your family/friend circle and you plan on communicating with them in the next year, tell them. This is not something to be done in secret so you can have sex now and pretend your September celebration is your first/only wedding. People that you tell do not have to understand or like that you're getting married sooner, but they should know.

4. FH and I don't live together, but there are many parts of our lives that are united. If you were in a similar situation, and got married, how did this affect the beginning of your marriage?


I can't really answer this myself. But I know people who have done something similar, and they say they have no regrets.

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Re: Now v.s Later

Postby Pandaschatz » Sun Apr 28, 2013 8:00 am

Ok. Just spoke with FH. If we get married now we will make it legal as well.
"The basis for getting married that conforms to the way of Christ is a regard for the advancement of the kingdom of God upon the earth."-Richard Foster

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Now v.s Later

Postby fiveradios » Sun Apr 28, 2013 8:39 am

I am glad you and FH are thinking these things through and not wanting to make rash decisions. One thing I wanted to comment on however: from what I can gather from what you have shared so far, your DH seems concerned about 'perfecting' self-control to abstain from sexual sin. Once you are married, you no longer need to abstain, so why needlessly create a stumbling block for yourselves? I can sorta see where y'all are coming from and I am not picking on you :) I just wanted to stress the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:9 basically saying that if you are burning with passion to the point of distraction, good grief, GET MARRIED. then the issue is moot. Sex then becomes perfect in God's eyes, instead of this huge elephant in the room, always there, basically making moving forward IMPOSSIBLE. God has made the provision for you. Get married now, legally and in the church. Your marriage is between God and the two of you and no one else. Don't complicate things with deception and secrecy regarding family and friends. If others are put out or irritated with your decision, that's on THEM not you.

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Re: Now v.s Later

Postby Maneo » Wed Jun 19, 2013 11:55 am

the physical passions are always difficult to control. It is wise advice to consider marrying sooner than later. But also a word of caution. marriage is a lifelong commitment with so much more to it than the sexual aspect. Please make sure before you marry to satisfy immediate physical urges that you also have explored and shared and are certain you are ready to commit to one another for all aspects of living together for a lifetime together through Christ.

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Re: Now v.s Later

Postby caleb15 » Tue Jul 02, 2013 8:13 pm

I have to take issue with how everyone uses that verse in Corinthians. I think it's taken out of context and a cop out.
If you look at the context Paul is talking about how he wishes everyone could be as he was and be single for life. Live a celibate life. His reasoning behind this is that if you are not attached to anyone else in this world you are free to totally and completely dedicate your life to the Lord. With absolutely nothing holding you back. Obviously God and Paul were OK with people getting married, but Paul was expounding on the benefits of celibacy.
There were people at that time who I am sure wanted to do everything that Paul did. I am sure that he had groupies and all that. But if you are not called to a life of celibacy it is not going to work for you. If you are not called to a life of celibacy your mind will be consumed with feelings for the opposite sex and you will not be able to actually dedicate your whole life to God the way Paul was encouraging. So I believe what he was saying here was don't try to be celibate unless you are called! Stop trying to just copy me, and live the way God has called you. If He (God) has called you to celibacy then great, but if He hasn't and you are getting really horny, then find the woman you are supposed to marry and do it, and then serve God as you are called!

Panda - I am so sorry you guys are going through this. Myself and my wife never made the jump into intercourse before we were married but we crossed lines and sinned in the eyes of the Lord. It was hard for us and it was something we tried and failed to deal with for a while. Eventually it just came down to setting boundaries and having the self control to follow them. I think what your FH is saying about needing to have self control is valid because throughout life you are going to need self control in many areas. Obviously once you are married you and your FH will be able to go to town on each other and it will be wonderful and blessed by God. But it's possible that other sexual temptations will come up in your life, or any sort of other temptations, and obviously you both need self control for that. If you cannot have it now, why will you have it then? I understand why people are counciling you to move it up, because the hope would be that you would not commit adultery... but I council that you really seek the Lord, and try with an open heart to see about whether or not He wants you to grow through this time (in the self control area) or wants you to just rush the wedding.

Anyways, I hope some of that helps. Stay strong sister and God Bless.



35years wrote:The self discipline you practice now will come in handy when you are married. There will be times when you are separated due to work or life events that you will desperately need to practice your learned self control.


I wanted to add this quote I saw in the other thread in here that talks about difficulties staying pure. So well said 35years. This is it. This right here.
"It is doubtful God will use a man greatly until He wounds him deeply." A.W. Tozer

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Re: Now v.s Later

Postby Pandaschatz » Thu Sep 19, 2013 3:28 pm

Hi Everyone!
I wanted to post an update:
We did not end up moving up the wedding date.
We did sin several more times.... and I regret all of it.
Our wedding was beautiful, and we were surrounded by a lot of good friends and family. We felt very blessed. During the time that I went home to plan the wedding, I had a refocusing moment of "This is not for our glory. This is for the glory of God." That's when the healing and the change of heart really began. The ceremony really reminded me that our marriage needs the support and prayers of a strong community. And it was transformational for us to publicly declare our vows before God and the church.

Our first time PIV was the day after the wedding. It hurt only slightly. Afterwards we both collapsed in tears because WE GET IT NOW!!! (I hope this makes sense) No book on purity could explain, no words or metaphors can fully describe why it is so worth it to wait. It was head knowledge before, and now it's really heart knowledge. We should have listened. We regret our past sin, but we also both feel like leaping for joy at God's grace. It's the most powerful sense of forgiveness I've ever had. It's a relief now to enter into PIV or OS fully in the context of this covenant.
"The basis for getting married that conforms to the way of Christ is a regard for the advancement of the kingdom of God upon the earth."-Richard Foster

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Re: Now v.s Later

Postby Christiner » Sat Oct 05, 2013 8:07 pm

CONGRATULATIONS to you on your marriage and on holding on. I know it was hard and I know that you will reap the benefits down the road. You will be a great testimony to a future generation!

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Re: Now v.s Later

Postby boomer » Tue Jan 14, 2014 2:30 pm

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much. I know it can be challenging to remain in a relationship and avoid sex before marriage. My first piece of advice would be to avoid any acts related to sexual intimacy what so ever. It obviously is causing a lot of problems, frustration, and guilt in the end. It is also leading you to rush into marriage just so you can do it. Yes, it is possible to be rushing into marriage in order to cover up other issues in your relationship. The fact is that no matter how long you wait, or how hard you try, you will ultimately have some degree of problems in your marriage no matter what, in which you are unable to prepare. The reality is that your marriage has 2 sides. The marriage in the eyes of god, and in the eyes of the law. Ultimately it is your marriage in the eyes of god that makes having intercourse acceptable. Are you in such a hurry to have intercourse that you want to run off and get married now and then work out the details later? The real question you should be asking it seem is whether or not you want to remain in the mindset of no sex until marriage or not. That is the real underlying question you are asking here.

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Re: Now v.s Later

Postby Pandaschatz » Wed Mar 05, 2014 1:08 pm

Boomer, I appreciate the advice, but check out the update I posted above :-). God Bless!
"The basis for getting married that conforms to the way of Christ is a regard for the advancement of the kingdom of God upon the earth."-Richard Foster

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