Help- Struggling to wait

What limits should we set before marriage?
soontobewifey
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Help- Struggling to wait

Postby soontobewifey » Mon Feb 13, 2017 12:38 am

My fiancee and I are soon to be married in October of this year.... We are determined to wait until marriage for anything sexual (have only been holding hands, hugging and kissing). We did slip up with our boundaries last year and sadly lost our virginity, however have been back on our journey of purity since that time and our love is as strong as ever (praise God!).

The problem is, we are both very affectionate individuals and our top love language happens to be physical touch. My partner also has a very high sex drive and I am very attracted to him. We don't wish to cross any boundary, but it is feeling almost impossible to wait until our wedding night. Is this normal? If we kiss, he will push me away within mere seconds because he said it is feeling too strong for him and too difficult to stop. Because of this, I am struggling with feelings of rejection at being cast aside and miss being held by him. My heart is aching..... It is difficult as a woman to not have low self esteem from this and to not crave his touch and to feel desirable.

I know why he is 'rejecting' my affection or not actively seeking a kiss or loving touch, but it still keeps getting to me and I just feel awful. I wish we never awakened these feelings last year, I don't know what to do :(

Any advice or encouraging words could really help right now, depending on the comments I could also show him this post if it'll help. At this stage, this was my idea to post and seek help. I don't want to embarrass him!
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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby Nova » Mon Feb 13, 2017 3:29 am

Why is your wedding date so far in the future? It'd be easier to wait if you don't wait as long.
Please don't think I'm being aggressive just because I use strong language. If I'm posting on your thread, it's because I care.

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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby soontobewifey » Mon Feb 13, 2017 4:40 am

I know... I do agree. It's making it so much harder :(

We are having a 12 month engagement due to finances and also for family reasons, my sister is getting married in march this year (she was already very upset we were getting married the same year as her!), and my partner and I are then trying to plan our second wedding which is 2 weeks after our wedding here. The second wedding will be a Chinese ceremony abroad because of my soon to be husbands heritage and culture. There's too much to plan and consider to push it any closer. I graduate from uni mid this year too so have a lot going on.

Physical intimacy wise though, it's a nightmare.
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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby Learning1 » Mon Feb 13, 2017 4:49 am

Welcome ! Congrats on your engagement !
soontobewifey wrote: Is this normal?
Yes.
Agree with above poster, move up the date, perhaps have a very small ceremony, very little cost get the marriage license, say your vows now, than move forward with the big wedding ceremony / Chinese ceremony as planned latter in the year. I'd rather risk offending my sister than God.
soontobewifey wrote:Any advice or encouraging words could really help right now, depending on the comments I could also show him this post if it'll help. At this stage, this was my idea to post and seek help. I don't want to embarrass him!

Why is he embarrassed ? It is an anonymous forum. Is he embarrassed to discuss sexuality with you ?

Do you have anyone you & your FH can be accountable to ?

If you can't move up the wedding perhaps you should not be alone together ?
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby Nova » Mon Feb 13, 2017 5:06 am

Here's my suggestion:

Get married now. Get your parents or closest friends/family together as witnesses, go down to the courthouse, and exchange your vows. The big, expensive ceremony isn't necessary, and can wait. In fact, you'll find that saving up for it is a lot easier when you are one household (assuming you both work).
Please don't think I'm being aggressive just because I use strong language. If I'm posting on your thread, it's because I care.

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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby soontobewifey » Mon Feb 13, 2017 5:19 am

Thanks :D

Re the wedding date, I originally wanted to do just that! We were engaged in October of last year and I wanted an April (2017) wedding, but my entire family were upset and his parents wouldn't have been able to fly in from oversea's at that time. And my mum couldn't afford to contribute to our wedding so close to my sisters so it would have been solely on us. With all the stress and division it was causing, we have paid a deposit for October and my family is able to contribute. Now that the date is locked in and my dress arrives in a few months etc, I feel peaceful with the timing.

Being alone together (something we often do as we cook dinner together most nights to save money, as we are students....) doesn't seem to be the problem. We aren't too stressed that we are going to cross a physical boundary anymore, or go jump into bed together before our wedding. It is the mental boundaries that we are trying to keep which is difficult, as he did tell me that when I am being affectionate with him he can't help but think about it later when alone and is trying to distract himself but that it's becoming very difficult. I am feeling the strain too to be honest. Because we have already been there and done it before (not for a long time may I add!) it really complicates it. He isn't embarrassed to talk about it with me, but he is a private person. So he likes things generally kept between us if it's to do with sexual stuff/intimacy. Partly a cultural thing, partly him :lol: but yes, it is great that this forum is anonymous! I hadn't thought about an accountability person, maybe we should start pre-marriage counselling soon? Our pastors had suggested it originally when we first got engaged.
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Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now...

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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby soontobewifey » Mon Feb 13, 2017 5:22 am

It would cause a huge amount of division in my family if we jumped ahead and got married now before my sister. Her engagement has been 3 years and I am her bridesmaid. We want both of our parents there too, and our date is partly paid for (the deposit) and locked in. Changing the date isn't really possible to be honest.... I just really need some strategies (scriptural, your own experiences, advice) on how to proceed. Especially on how to combat feelings of rejection with my partner when physical intimacy is no longer present and even affection is proving too much.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now...

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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby poetess » Mon Feb 13, 2017 7:43 am

How long did you know each other before becoming engaged? Had you worked through all the questions to make sure you're on the same page on such issues as timing on when to start a family, whether you will be working outside the house when you have children, and so forth? In other words, are you ready to marry in every way except that the ceremony hasn't arrived?

If so, then you have two choices . . . (1) step away from each other for a while, not spending any time alone just the two of you (you have no "right to privacy" until you get married, and this is wisdom for any couple), and talking on the phone but avoid seeing each other in person until closer to your wedding date or (2) realize it was your sister's choice to have an overly long engagement, and your choices have nothing to do with hers, and go ahead and get married.

Our culture has made a bigger deal of weddings than of marriage. Looking ahead to marriage, we brides dream of the big day and plan it, even before a man has come along to be the co-star. Looking back from this side, it's a lovely day, but being married is really what's important. It isn't worth tens of thousands of dollars to have a pretty wedding day. And if the lure of a pretty-perfect wedding day is allowing you to be tempted to sin, you simply have to get rid of something: maybe it's the big, fancy wedding; maybe it's spending time together before the wedding. But if you are asking how you can keep everything you currently have in place but just avoid sexual sin, the answer is you probably cannot. You are going against God's design. God tells us to "flee" sexual sin, and He tells us it is better to marry than to burn with passion. So, if you insist on waiting to marry, then it is time to flee. If you are ready to marry, then marry. But I would make an appointment today for the two of you to talk with someone wise in real life (probably your pastor), lay the issues before him, and get his insight.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby MrsG » Mon Feb 13, 2017 8:26 am

How are you both doing spiritually?

The patterns and mindset you set before you are married will carry over into your marriage. Engagement, IMO, is miserable and like everyone else here I vote for short engagements, however it is still an important time as far as revealing your priorities and how you deal with weaknesses (since those things are often revealed under stress!)

Some examples of patterns and beliefs you form before marriage:
1. My identity and security is based on how God sees me, not my spouse
2. My spouse is more fully himself (and therefore more what I adore) when he grows closer to God, and I want to encourage his relationship with God even if it takes time away from me
3. My needs come first
4. His needs come first
5. Whatever is best for our marriage / marriage bed comes first
6. Avoiding [physical/sexual act] will keep me pure, I can do things leading up to it but then I have to stop
7. Doing [sexual act] is fun but I know it's wrong, I feel ashamed when we do it

There's a million others, but here's my thought for you - you need to cultivate #1-2 to get through this. It is totally natural and good that you desire physical touch from your future spouse, but you need to desire what is best for him and for your marriage before your own immediate needs.

There are other scenarios - you can protect an arbitrary "line" you won't cross and do everything up to that line. Or you cross the line. Repeat. Try problem with focusing on rules and behaviors is that, mentally and physiologically, you train yourself that certain acts are wrong or they become associated with shame. That won't serve you well once you're married.

Instead, practice selflessness, self control, protecting your marriage bed, encouraging one another in holiness ... These mindsets will serve you very well in marriage.

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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby Job29Man » Mon Feb 13, 2017 8:26 am

I second Poetess' suggestions.

First, just face the reality that you need to "be stronger" more self-disciplined. You'll need to be strong in numerous ways after marriage. So being strong before marriage is good practice.

However, if you absolutely can't do this,

1. You can limit yourselves to public places only for a few months.
2. You can "take a break" for a few months. Many people find themselves on deployment in the military, or out of town on business, away for studies, whatever, for several months before a wedding. No big deal. You could do this.
3. Get married now at the Justice of the Peace, go ahead and have sex all you want, and then have your religious ceremony later.
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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby MrsG » Mon Feb 13, 2017 8:29 am

Also 100% agree with Poetess - spending so much time together, cooking together, merging finances (if you have), etc ... Of course you want to have sex when you're playing marriage in other areas. You have to choose to wait and live as two independent people, or just get married and enjoy it fully.

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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby Job29Man » Mon Feb 13, 2017 9:03 am

Soontobewifey,

Just a housekeeping item. Since you are engaged, you'll need to limit your posting to this Engaged Section and to non-sexual sections of TMB.

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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby katiecrna » Mon Feb 13, 2017 12:25 pm

Struggling to wait is extremely normal. However my desire to wait was greater than my need to have sex. And of course in the right situation, your making It very hard on yourselves.

It's the box around the sin concept that you need to adopt. Aka even though kissing and being affectionate isn't a sin, don't do these things if they are tempting you to sin. And for your fiancé, he is struggling not to.

Trust me, the wait is 100% worth it. Put up boundaries and work not to cross them. Pray about it too. Together and separately. Your need for physical affection and wanting to feel wanted is greater than your need to do the right thing and wait. Of course your human. But focus on God. Your so close, don't do something your going to regret.

:)) trust me the wait is worth it.

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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby Romantic Husband » Mon Feb 13, 2017 1:35 pm

As someone who had a long engagement (15 months), I can tell you that it is doable, but also extremely difficult. We made it, by the grace of God, and it was certainly worth it. However, if I knew then what I know now, I would have definitely moved the wedding up. I strongly recommend that you have a "chaperone" when you're not in public.
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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby Leah » Mon Feb 13, 2017 3:01 pm

The wedding is not so imoortant as the marriage, just so you know. Get married now and have the other ceremonies as scheduled.
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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby SLS » Mon Feb 13, 2017 9:58 pm

DW and I were engaged for 6 months. Our wait was aided by the fact that we were 4 hours away from each other, but it still wasn't easy.

I concur with Leah et. al that the best option at this point is to go ahead and get married by the Justice of the Peace or equivalent civic authority. You are already having a second ceremony for your groom's family after the first wedding so why not just go ahead and get married now? Getting married now won't invalidate your future ceremonies. Also since you have already had a slipup it will be much easier to fall into sin again if you delay getting married (or don't "take a break" as others have advised).

God isn't glorified by the big wedding ceremony. He is glorified by obedience to His design. Whether you become married at the alter or in front of a judge makes no difference. What matters is following God's design.

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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby asmilingwife16 » Tue Feb 14, 2017 5:14 am

We had a 12 mo. engagement, which was only helped by a long distance aspect. Three months before the wedding we were finally in proximity of each other and it was sooo much harder than I thought it would be. We both have physical touch as a primary love language, so we had to be extra careful to always be around people. Whenever I visited his apartment, we actually had to prop the door open. But it was totally worth it and we had lots of people praying for us.

Word of caution for when you actually do get married: we were both super excited for the wedding night that we ended up rushing it and I got hurt (not bad, but enough to make it the opposite of magical). Very disappointing for both of us. Make sure your reception is SHORT and that you both agree to the place where your wedding night is.

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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby MayDayGirl » Tue Feb 14, 2017 5:42 am

Do you have a church that you attend together? Yes, ask the pastor about starting pre-marital counseling now. Be honest about your struggles and see if it's possible for you both to become matched with a married couple from the congregation who can be your mentors. Be prepared to speak openly about sex during these sessions.

In addition, I'd suggest Bible study on your own about self control and self discipline. The engagement period is an important time to strengthen your faith as well as prepare yourself for marriage and parenthood. Learning how to wait, instead of giving in to instant gratification, will only help you in the future with finances, children, etc.

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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby soontobewifey » Tue Feb 14, 2017 8:11 pm

To answer some of your questions- Yes, we both go to church every week together and help run the lifegroup mid week. We both love God more than we love each other and want to put him first, hence our lifestyle choices.

Unfortunately, it isn't possible to move our wedding date forward (as I said, venue deposit has been made, his parents have organised to fly back at that time and my mum can only contribute then. Also, I have my internship for university coming up which is full time teaching for me in a school and that ends in June/July and my sister is getting married soon so it really does have to be a focus for our family and it would cause so much division if I brought it closer or went and 'beat her to it' by going to the courthouse. Plus everyone would assume I am pregnant lol).

I feel peace having our wedding when it is and God's favour around it, but it's just my insecurities getting the better of me and self-doubt that we can't be so affectionate and loving in that way right now until October, especially when I have now experienced that side of things last year when we crossed those boundaries. Bit of a soul tie there now and I'm feeling it, it's tough. I definitely am going to be mindful about the advice to not be home together alone too much...... and maybe seeing him a little bit less (right now it is every day). I don't feel like we are 'playing house' or pretending to be husband and wife, as someone else said. We aren't living together, have strict sexual boundaries and our finances are separate. We cook together a lot because we are poor students and live nearby, and he isn't near his family (they are abroad). We often do go out though, we have ballroom dance class thursday nights so have a fun routine outside of the home, and are never alone in my room or anything. We both live in separate share houses with roommates.

I think you guys are right, pre-marriage counselling is also going to be a must! I'll talk to my pastor this week about it, they would know of a good couple to mentor us. It is true, as someone else said, that this is a season that is going to be tough but that is preparing us for marriage/life. I know things won't always be easy and I'm going to need a lot of patience in the years to come. We have been in a serious relationship for just over 2 years now and were great friends a year before getting together. I really need your prayers if you guys can to stay strong and have self-control. I need to spend more time with God about this and get my worth from him, the enemy really likes to use my insecurities to get to me and between me and my partner. Rushing forward with the wedding now because I don't want to exercise self-controI I don't think is going to solve these underlying problems for us...... I can see the problems, but it's fixing my mindset that has been hard. My partner is doing so well, he is really the one enforcing our boundaries! We do have more work to prepare us for our marriage too. I want so much for us to have a strong marriage and keep our marriage bed pure :( I don't want to stuff things up.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now...

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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby poetess » Tue Feb 14, 2017 8:42 pm

Soontobewifey,

Not to nag, but to reiterate: being together behind closed doors at all is "too much." You are not married. It is not proper to be alone together out of the sight of other people, and you already know it is not morally safe.

You have plenty of ways to accomplish this, if you are serious about it. For example, you and he and one of your housemates can all be in the house together, with your housemate given careful instructions that she cannot leave the house if he is in your house (if she wishes to leave, she needs to give you a few minutes of warning so that your fiance, or you and he together, can leave the house before she does), and that you want her to walk through the kitchen frequently so that you have accountability. If she is not free to stop and chat with you, then you should not be hanging out inside the house. Better yet, have her help you cook. In these cooking sessions, cook lots of food (two or three different meals), and send half of each meal home with your fiance in separate containers that he can heat throughout the week. OR you cook at home and take it with you to a park, where you eat it, and he has no need to come in your house.

My husband and I were middle-aged, without the hormone charge of a younger couple, and we still committed to this "never alone together behind closed doors" regimen, and we kept it. It's challenging at times, but nowhere near impossible. People sometimes ask, "But how can you talk about private things?" We were able to communicate fully--five years into marriage I can say I had no surprises in marrying him, we had communicated that well--because we found ways to spend time in public view.

You are free to spend time at a public park, where you can talk all you want without others overhearing you but without the temptations of being inside.

Most malls have a food court, another good place to be "alone" yet in public view.

You can find a private table at just about any fast food restaurant, especially if you go at off-peak hours.

My husband (who often has to conduct business lunches in public places) says that private conversation is often best held in a noisy restaurant--no one at a nearby table can hear your conversation if they can barely hear their own.

Have a friend over, and stay in public rooms of the house (no bedrooms), and you can be inside. Or have married friends invite both of you to spend time at their house for a double date.

If he has a porch at his house, you can sit outside on the porch, if you will not be tempted to go inside "just this once." Or perhaps his roommates are home and you want a little more privacy, then you sit outside. You're "chaperoned," but you have privacy. I wouldn't recommend hanging out in the backyard (certainly not after dark) or sitting and chatting in the car. These are privileges you will have when you marry; they are not privileges you have today.

You can talk on the phone.

Don't sit and hold hands and pray together and tell yourselves that this is different because it is spiritual; I know of people who have found this uniquely intimate. The same guidelines apply to praying together as to any other conversation.

If you are sure you want to wait till October, then it is time to be serious about fleeing temptation.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!


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