Trying to figure out the why's

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
Wheat48
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Trying to figure out the why's

Postby Wheat48 » Tue Oct 24, 2017 1:11 pm

As I am working through my own healing after DH's porn use, I have read books, articles, blogs and posts on here. I have a question I would like to hear male input on. Everything I read states how viewing pornography makes a man feel approved of, accepted, wanted, strong, etc... My question is why? Why does watching strangers have sex make a man feel this way? I realize this is likely a gender difference; I'm genuinely trying to understand.

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Re: Trying to figure out the why's

Postby doug-h » Tue Oct 24, 2017 1:30 pm

Wheat48,

Welcome. I'm sorry that your first post here is about something as difficult as pornography.

I was a long time user of pornography, and my first post here was asking for help to quit. In any case, I will try to answer your question from my perspective.
Please don't take this wrong, but I believe you may have misunderstood. I dont think watching porn makes a man feel.any of those things. It probably makes him feel the total opposite.

What it does, tho, is allow a man the fantasy, tje illusion, that all of those things are true. It is a subtle difference, but I think it is a significant one.

One of the ways that works, and this is only my opinion, is that you are actually immersing yourself into a fantasy where you don't have to worry about being good enough, strong enough. You dont have to worry about being approved, or maybe more important, you dont have to worry about being rejected. Relationships are difficult sometimes. Porn is easy. It never expects anything of you, it never rejects you.

I know that might be over simplified, and others might have completely different answers, but it really is the best I can answer your question. To be honest, I dont think there is a perfect answer that covers all situations and all people. .

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Re: Trying to figure out the why's

Postby Dale » Tue Oct 24, 2017 2:05 pm

doug h is right on in his view.

I'd also add that porn gives a man a false sense of significance. When he is watching porn, those people are performing for him, for his pleasure (even though of course they are not in reality). As doug said, there is no rejection from the screen. This feeling is one of power, of control. It's made all the worse if the man gets involved in online, real-time porn, where he can "chat" with the actors and tell them to do something. In this fantasy world, he is in control and he is important. Both of those feelings are very intoxicating to a man!

Dale

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Re: Trying to figure out the why's

Postby Wheat48 » Wed Oct 25, 2017 8:17 am

Thank you for your responses. I guess my puzzlement comes from why pornography causes this illusion, what is it about a naked woman or watching other people have sex that would give the illusion of being accepted?

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Re: Trying to figure out the why's

Postby doug-h » Wed Oct 25, 2017 8:31 am

The same way some people can be drawn into a movie or a novel, and find themselves relating to some fictional character. I'm sure it is different, but it is the same process.

As I child, and even jnto adulthood, I can remember feeling like I was in the story.

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Re: Trying to figure out the why's

Postby seeking perspective » Wed Oct 25, 2017 8:34 am

I found Shaunti Feldhahn's Through a Man's Eyes: Helping Women Understand the Visual Nature of Men to be really useful in helping me understand this concept.
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Wheat48
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Re: Trying to figure out the why's

Postby Wheat48 » Wed Oct 25, 2017 8:50 am

I saw this is available through my library, I'll check it out. Thanks for the suggestion.

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Re: Trying to figure out the why's

Postby seeking perspective » Wed Oct 25, 2017 8:59 am

You can find a thread about the book here: viewtopic.php?f=15&t=65249
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Re: Trying to figure out the why's

Postby TJC » Fri Dec 29, 2017 7:12 am

I wanted to bump this thread, because honestly I still struggle with this why question. Do I desire to be with the woman? No. Do I desire to be the man who is the object of such passion? Absolutely. In some ways it's comparable to video games (which I hate BTW). For a little while I can escape into a fantasy, where I am truly desired, not merely tolerated. In video games you get to be the conquering hero or heroine, though IRL you would never dream of attempting the feats done in the game. Similarly in porn, you can pretend your that guy, the one all the women want, or at least one of the many OTHERS. Because in your heart you don't see yourself that way. IRL your the wimp, the cuckold,the one women ignore, or only tolerate, maybe even cheat on. A wife may reinforce this belief, but I think is rarely the source. She may not reinforce it, yet it could still be there. I keep saying it, it says more about the man and his own self-esteem than it does about his wife.
This is my beloved and this is my friend. Song of Solomon 5:16

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Re: Trying to figure out the why's

Postby rediron » Sun Dec 31, 2017 1:56 pm

Agree with everything said. Another thing (possibly part of the porn never says no) is that porn actresses many times portray enjoying / wanting what they are involved in. My wife can enjoy sex, and sometimes be involved but there are times when I would love to feel desired. Sex and love making are intimate, but there are times when one would like to have the "You're mine and I'm going to have you". There are times that the DW indicates that she likes what she sees (in her defense with reference to little action, she has been ill, and not feeling well), and a part of me screams "Then take the bull by the horns honey". Sex is ok to great, the problem is infrequency, and I'm always the initiator. Not sure if I have said this well. I am also sure that past porn involvement hurt our relationship, spiritually and otherwise.
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Re: Trying to figure out the why's

Postby Wheat48 » Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:32 pm

Thanks for the input TJC and Rediron. In some ways I can understand, in other ways I don’t think I ever will...just not being a man. I don’t think seeing strangers naked and having sex could have the same impact on me, make me feel wanted. That said, I’ve come to the place that I’m trusting God to bring understanding if He wants to. I’m concentrating on healing and forgiveness.


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