04/05/2021 - Attitudes on Love Languages

[Link+Zelda]

Do you feel that you or your spouse view all love languages as equal, or are some perceived to be superior/inferior to others? What about other people you know or society in general?

If viewed as unequal, has this had a negative affect on your marriage?

[Lookin2Him]

I honestly don't think my DW believes LL's are a thing at all. It can be frustrating. The few times I've indicated mine, she just waves them off. One time was very public and very hurtful.

I've tried to learn hers (my perception of what I think they may be, she won't take the test) and I think when I pay attention to hers, I fill her tank. Whether it is recognized by her or not, I don't know.

[Link+Zelda]

I think the one I have to purposefully fight against internally is similar to what @SC said--viewing Gifts as inferior/childish/materialistic. My children LOVE gifts, but it's really a materialistic thing for them, so it's hard for me to see/understand that the true Gifts love language is different. My stepmother has a Gifts love language, and honestly her sending us tons of stuff has been kind of a turn off. I'm working on not viewing things that way, but it can be a challenge.

I think others have my attitude, and it can sometimes be applied to Acts of Service as well, since both can seem selfish to an outsider. I've also gotten the feeling from society that men (mostly) with Physical Touch are just wanting the physical touch in the form of sex or as a gateway for sex, not that they actually need it the same way some people need Quality Time or Words of Affirmation.

Sort of the opposite of this is that I get the gist from people that somehow Quality Time is superior to the others because it's more shared experience. If you look at first suggestions for what people should be doing in struggling relationships, a lot of the stuff involves quality time together. I think part of this is because Quality Time is the ^#1 LL, and a large majority of people have it in their top 3.

[hastentheday]

I honestly don't think my DW believes LL's are a thing at all. It can be frustrating. The few times I've indicated mine, she just waves them off. One time was very public and very hurtful.

I've tried to learn hers (my perception of what I think they may be, she won't take the test) and I think when I pay attention to hers, I fill her tank. Whether it is recognized by her or not, I don't know.

I'm sorry to hear this. While she might be right in that it is only a marital aid and not a guarantee for marriage success and happiness, I still submit that, at least in my marriage, I am searching for all the aids I can find to better my relationship with my DW. Understanding love languages and how that translates into DW life has helped a bit toward that end goal.

[WirelessRouter]

Sort of the opposite of this is that I get the gist from people that somehow Quality Time is superior to the others because it's more shared experience. If you look at first suggestions for what people should be doing in struggling relationships, a lot of the stuff involves quality time together. I think part of this is because Quality Time is the ^#1 LL, and a large majority of people have it in their top 3.

If there's a case to be made for one LL being superior then quality time is going to be it simply because it's really impossible to have a loving relationship without some amount of quality time. To put it another way, quality time is the foundation that enables all the other LLs the be perceived as love. If you don't have quality time then either your relationship is entirely transactional like business associates or there is no actual relationship. Think about it. If some stranger in San Francisco picked your address from the phone book and started sending you random gifts or encouraging notes but never talked, or if some other regular at Caribou Coffee who you never talk to and don't see outside the line waiting for drinks started giving you hugs and other affectionate touches, how loved would you feel? Or if a stranger from Jamestown, ND suddenly started showing up to mow your lawn every week? Without some amount of quality time these actions are either weird or incredibly creepy.

Quality time is relationship. There is no substitute.

[hastentheday]

@WirelessRouter,
I absolutely am following your logic on Quality Time and your thoughts as it pertains to love language. Makes a lot of sense in the way you have explained it being superior. Ironically, my LL is Quality Time. But, just going to say there are lots of people whose LL is NOT quality time. For example, my DW LL is words of affirmation and second, physical touch. Try telling these people that quality time is the only LL that matters. I don't think so! Probably better and wiser to acknowledge the importance of all love languages especially the specific one (s) that fills our spouses love tank to full.

[SeekingChange]

Let's say IRL, my love language is Acts of Service (it isn't), does this mean that it is easier or harder for me to show Acts of Service to my spouse? What happens if both spouses have the same love language? I don't think I have ever seen that although some spouses have their top 2 or 3 and sometimes there is overlap there.

I had plans to address these questions the other day, and as you can tell, it got delayed.

In relation to your question on whether something is "harder to show", I have wondered if we are more sensitive to our LL, not just in the positive "I feel loved", but in the negative as well. I am not an "Acts" person either, but using that as an example, let's say a non-Acts spouse does an "Act" to try to show love, such as load/unload the dishwasher. Could the "Acts" spouse be more easily offended if it's not done "right", or to their preference.... could they think, "I have shown you and told you how this needs to be loaded/unloaded multiple times, and you still are doing it wrong. You really don't know me at all.", and the end result is feeling more unloved, than loved?

I am not a materialistic person, by any stretch of the means, but as a "Gift" person, I have felt unloved by certain gifts because I felt like the reflection of the gift tarnished the value of the relationship or me, I believe it really did come down to the heart (or my interpretation of the heart.)

As to the "same love language", my sister and bil are both "Touch" people. I do think that has made their marriage a little easier (not perfect) because of it. There's not the same kind of "conflict" that we have experienced, with my husband and I having complete opposites (his #1 is my #5, and my #1 is his #5.)

[WirelessRouter]

@WirelessRouter,
I absolutely am following your logic on Quality Time and your thoughts as it pertains to love language. Makes a lot of sense in the way you have explained it being superior. Ironically, my LL is Quality Time. But, just going to say there are lots of people whose LL is NOT quality time. For example, my DW LL is words of affirmation and second, physical touch. Try telling these people that quality time is the only LL that matters. I don't think so! Probably better and wiser to acknowledge the importance of all love languages especially the specific one (s) that fills our spouses love tank to full.

Quality time is most definitely not the only thing that matters. Personally, I cuddling so much I feel like I'd die if I had a romantic relationship without touch, so I get how the others are important. My point is relationship does not and can not exist without quality time; it's what enables the other love languages - especially touch - to matter.