Signal to noise ratio - follow up

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
elfryng

Postby elfryng » Mon Sep 17, 2007 8:32 am

Indeed it would. :lol: There are many things I wish could be beamed directly from her head to mine. I haven't figured out the whole mind reading thing yet.

Kwho1969

Postby Kwho1969 » Wed Dec 19, 2007 3:38 pm

Wow, its been a really really really long time since I posted in this thread (or any others for that matter). I guess an update would be warranted.

I have mastered the "bump" so to speak, I do not even think about this anymore, its just a naturall response for me these days to avert my eyes and avoid looking at it. It has become so naturall for me that the other night I was shopping in an adult store for some "in the bedroom christmas gifts" and when I got home my DW asked about any images I had seen. I honestly can answer that I did not notice any images as I focused soley on the items I was looking for and not even on the packaging.

Unfortunatly, DW still struggles with providing signal but that does'nt mean I can break my vow to her and god to keep my eyes pure.

MrsWill

noise/static

Postby MrsWill » Mon Dec 24, 2007 11:08 pm

I find this conversation fascinating.

My poor DH is always talking to me about how girls at his work will wear these low cut shirts and he becomes very fascinated with the ceiling. I feel so badly for him :oops: I know it's hard on him to avoid looking. In the past, I have negatively reacted to him groping me or just making gestures in public showing his strong desire for my body. I have tried in recent years to get past that reaction, but I "trained" him so well for years that he was avoiding any kind of teasing with me and now I am having to retrain myself and him to do these kinds of things. Urgh! :x He's right when he tells me negative things about myself, not that he makes a habit of that, but sometimes in fights you know.

Of course, when I initially read the first post the feminist snot inside me reared her head for a minute, but she was quickly squelched by more pure thoughts. We are doing a lot better, i think it would be interesting for him to read this! I'll have to point it out to him. ::luv2

reclusive

Re: Signal to noise ratio - follow up

Postby reclusive » Thu Sep 18, 2008 7:40 pm

My husband makes comments to the effect that he fears my being in states of undress around him will desensitize him to my effect on him, that he will become jaded. He has always felt this way. When I am naked or semi-dressed in front of him in times other than specially scheduled sexual times, I feel somewhat ashamed and he may make a "teasing" comment that will reinforce this.(The gist is usually something about me being too bold etc) I wish I felt freer around him, but I don't really.

I am very introverted and so conversely I have a very playful, teasing side in private ... read *ham* (I took dancing school as a child and in private is the only place I can really feel free to express this) and I am always feeling as if I must repress this so as not to offend him. At times I deeply resent it. No matter how many times I see his naked body (and he feels no compunction on being naked in front of me) I adore it more and more. Wish he felt free to feel the same about me.

Trying to talk about this issue makes him defensive.

I had a mother who had some very shame-based ideas about women and sexuality so husband's reactions just reinforce this.

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Postby KyWildcat » Fri Sep 19, 2008 5:21 am

reclusive,

I'm sorry that you feel the need to hide yourself from your husband as that is the antithesis of intimacy. I'd encourage you to freely express yourself to him and quit repressing yourself. To do less to receive his acceptance means that he isn't accepting the actual you but a repressed version of yourself.

Taking the risk of showing your true self, being your true self and being free to share yourself with your spouse is real intimacy.

Blessings!
KW
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sojourner

Postby sojourner » Mon Sep 29, 2008 12:28 am

I happened on this thread some time ago and decided to put it into practice.

Tonight I mentioned to my wife that I was doing this and she was offended and angry. As far as I can tell her reasoning is that if I avoid looking at a woman, it must be because I am lusting after her. She also said that avoiding looking at other women makes her not want to have sex with me! :shock: I thought she would feel honored by it, and instead she accused me of having a "wandering eye."

::xx if I do, ::xx if I don't.

Anyway I still think this is a great idea because it is pleasing to God, but be careful about sharing this with your wife.

plainsofabraham

Postby plainsofabraham » Mon Sep 29, 2008 10:46 am

Sojourner,
BTDT!

"If you have to avoid it, it must mean that you did it."

illinicee

Postby illinicee » Thu Oct 09, 2008 3:07 pm

Sojourner,

I am sorry that your wife got upset with you. Even though she may not feel honored by what you are doing, I would strongly recommend that you continue in your ways. We are instructed to be a one woman man. I can honestly say that it is worth it. Now that I have really focused in on my wife, I have found that I not only find her more beautiful and sexy, but that I also want to change and be more Christlike towards her. God Bless.

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Re: Signal to noise ratio - follow up

Postby Mrs. Not So Innocent » Wed Oct 29, 2008 9:10 pm

Leah in Music City wrote:
When a man exposes himself to so much noise over the years, he begins to lose his hearing.

My husband no longer sees or hears appropriate signals, no matter how strong they are.

If I had not taken the initiative, our sex life would have died altogether

It is entirely appropriate to encourage wives in healthy marriages to visually stimulate their husbands. But for those of us who are married to men who have deafened themselves, it's pointless and only piles on to the guilt none of us deserve.

I know what you mean there. I was making all kinds of sexual gestures and wearing sexy things around my dh for years and would not get the appropriate response to it (especially since others points out that I'm a very attractive woman). It was frustrating until I found out about his porn addiction then everything started to make sense :x .

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Postby YesIReallyLoveMyWife » Wed Oct 29, 2008 9:25 pm

sojourner wrote:Tonight I mentioned to my wife that I was doing this and she was offended and angry.


Sojourner, please push through this. Your wife needs to understand men. Especially if you have sons.

My own DW knows exactly why I stopped watching Dancing With The Stars - exactly the same reason Paul posted this thread. And Mrs.Yes appreciates my initiative to keep my thought life pure.

Certainly, how you share this information with your wife can make a difference. It's important to reaffirm, "Do you want me to keep my mind pure? Of course you do! This is how men apply the biblical guideline to flee youthful lusts. Notice that it doesn't say hang around and fight the lust. It says flee. And averting your eyes is the fastest fleeing there is...."

When I was in college, I hung out with a group of Christians who took this principle seriously. We would warn each other not to look in a certain direction, and had a few code words to avoid a lustful view. Of course, every now and then, the exchange went like this:

Guy #1: Check out your shoelaces.
Guy #2: Where?! Where?!
Guy #1: You idiot!

The rest of us faithfully looked in a safe direction while an immodestly dressed coed passed by, in addition to pummeling Guy #2.
- Mr.Yes - who thanks God all the time for Mrs.Yes

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Postby Sarah1 » Wed Oct 29, 2008 10:44 pm

I find myself noodling on TMB tonight because I'm wide awake after being blessed by my bride. I've read this thread for the first time. What revealing information, and how true this is! I have, throughout my lifetime, learned to ignore stimulation from outside sources which can be difficult because we are assaulted by it on a daily basis. If one were to take it all in one could be rendered numb to the pleasures possible in the marriage bed. Our society makes such a show of encouraging men to continue juvenile behaviors and frequently depicts men on television and in movies in pursuit of women who cannot possibly mean anything more to them than a roll in the hay. This sadly reduces those portrayed to objects; what a lonely existence for anyone emulating these behaviors.

sojourner, you're a good and faithful husband. Do not be discouraged in your pursuit of a satisfying relationship with your wife. Show her this thread if it is helpful in explaining how men view outside distractions. Continue to discuss your feelings for her. We can be so blessed in our marriages to our one and onlys if we but communicate our wants and needs them, and listen to their desires as well.
Abe1

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Postby Mrs. Not So Innocent » Fri Oct 31, 2008 5:45 pm

I have a question...

I told my dh I don't like going places with him because it's painful when I see his eyes wandering. He keeps saying I'm accusing him when he's not looking at other women, but I know I'm not imagining things. Ex: if we're driving down the street and a woman with revealing/tight fitting clothes is walking down the street he will look then turn his head in her direction while driving by. I asked him how am I supposed to believe he's not looking at her when he's doing this? He's not turning his head in the opposite direction. He's been a habitual liar for all of our 12 years of marriage (he lied to me about EVERYTHING under the sun to the point I don't even know who he really is). All the times we went to marital counseling through the years he had did nothing but lie. How am I supposed to just take his word on this?

He told me back in Feb. that he had multiple affairs for the last 9 years and he's been addicted to pornography since he was 12. He's only been free for 8 months now. He now acts like he's free from ever doing it again. He did complete his 60 day course at Setting Captives Free but he isn't doing anything else to get help outside of that. He's not committed to going to church or getting serious with his relationship with God and he keeps talking about not wanting everyone to know our business. Isn't that like he's still trying to be in isolation? What am I supposed to believe?

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Re: Signal to noise ratio - follow up

Postby committedcouple » Sun Sep 13, 2009 5:59 am

that's a cool comparrison signal to noise
I have been doing that for years ,looking the other way.I never had a problem with porn ,but told myself that I married the most beautiful women in the world so why look.
I just recently told my wife that I "look the other way", and had for years and she replied that "my love for her blows her away' we then both started crying and had a realy good time of prayer together.
The only downside of "looking the other way " has been that it made me very shy talking to other women I would not look at them in the eyes when talking to them and would try and avoid them altogether.It has taken awhile to get over this but I am making progress.
So whether you "look the other way" for love or like david wilcox sayes "my eyes keep me in trouble" it is a marriage booster for sure

dood

Re: Signal to noise ratio - follow up

Postby dood » Wed Oct 21, 2009 12:16 pm

Long time lurker here.

This is an interesting thread, it's got me thinking.

I'll admit it, I look at porn, I use it to MB on a regular basis. I love my wife and she is beautiful to me, but my sex drive is about two thousand times greater than hers. We have sex about 5 times a month and it's good (it could be better, but I can't complain).

I do feel guilty about looking at porn, but my problem is that if I don't get some release on a regular basis, my sexual urges dominate my thoughts and I can't seem to get anything done. My wife found my "collection" on my computer and was initially upset, but now she seems to accept it and almost encourage it in a way. It seems that she's thinking if the porn keeps me off of her, it must be OK. Maybe I'm over analyzing all of this, but it's somewhat hurtful to me that she is OK with it, like she has given up on us having a great sex life. In reality, she thinks we do have a great sex life because we have sex more often than most of her friends do with their husbands.

I guess I have issues to discuss on other parts of the forums, but this thread made me ask myself if I could stop looking at pornography. At this point, my answer is simply...I could, but I don't want to. Why stop? If I eliminate the porn from my life, I'll want my wife even more than I do now (which is a lot). If she isn't willing to have me more, what is the point?

I don't consider myself addicted, I can and have stopped looking for periods of time (weeks), and what I've found is that I am more distracted during my day and have also found myself checking out other women much more frequently. Isn't it better to look at some random mystery woman on the computer, than to start looking at neighbors, co-workers, wife's friends, etc?

Honestly, I wish I could just kill my sex drive. I'd love it if there was some sort of anti-viagra available.

greenbean

Re: Signal to noise ratio - follow up

Postby greenbean » Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:27 pm

So what to do when he doesn't respond to my 'noise'?

When I dress in sexy lingerie and buy special lotions for his birthday and he says "I didn't ask you to do that" (a response to the notable disappointment of no sex, and the inability to excite him on my face) Seriously, as much as a woman can do, I'm pretty, and okay with my body, yes there are imperfections, I don't walk around airbrushed I am getting older, but I'm pretty and sexy, I wear sexy panties and bend over making sure they peek out of my jeans... but he only wants sex when he wants it. I don't deny it to him ever, but he will deny my advances, so sometimes I make indirect noise hoping he will make a move since he seems to prefer that, even though he says he likes it when I do. I can't always guess and get tired of being rejected. Then I feel like I'm not doing enough, even though I think I am. What do i need to do, post naked pictures on sites he likes, is that a strong enough 'noise'?

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Re: Signal to noise ratio - follow up

Postby Seekryt » Mon Oct 11, 2010 10:30 pm

greenbean, sometimes there's something wrong with his receiver, or with what he's tuning in to. If he's purposely tuning in to other signals, and turning them up louder than you can hope to braodcast... Well... :(
Always know where your towel is.

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Re: Signal to noise ratio - follow up

Postby landschooner » Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:38 pm

dood, I totally understand what you are saying. Makes sense. But you ask "Why Stop?" Well, this is a christian website so the answers will be from a Christian perspective. If you're a Christian, then you've sworn fealty to the King of Kings. Your Lord says "Don't do it".

We all sin. We all fall. We sin every day. Then we ask for forgiveness and try to do our best to please Him the next day. it a struggle but we need to try. But choosing a life style of disobedience is rebellion. That being said, quitting WILL increase your desire for your wife. You are correct in this I'm sure. One of the reasons I gave up masturbation about 3 years ago was because I could no longer do that without my mind "wandering." I could no longer imagine my wife being attracted to me. My knowledge of her lack of desire for me made thinking of her seem ridiculous. Masturbation became sin for me. (it is not sin in itself) It became coupled with lust so I needed to stop.

Thinking of other women lustfully. Looking at other women lustfully. Looking at pictures lustfully. All are sin. You need to stop. I'm not condemning. We all sin brother. I looked lustfully at a woman on TV today as I flipped through the channels. But I'm not saying that's ok. It isn't. Its a daily lifelong battle. It will never go away this side of heaven. Take it one day at a time. Try to please HIM today. Just today. That's what I try to do. I rarely succeed completely but I can wrap my mind around doing my best for him TODAY. : )

34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34 (English Standard Version)

Take care brother.
I'm sorry its so difficult. I know how it is to be in a marriage with unrequited desire.

LS

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Re: Signal to noise ratio - follow up

Postby Milesgirl2011 » Tue Oct 30, 2012 8:15 am

It has been great to read some of the things posted up on here. My husband struggled with porn since he was about 11. He was exposed to it by a friend and even when his mother knew about it she just said it was something boys did and that was all. I am a Christian as is he but I tried to rationalize it. I said it was ok even when I knew it wasn't. I even tried to watch it with him.

Things started to change though once we got married. I started to feel unbelievable hurt when I would find out about it. I am by no means unattractive so I couldn't understand why he still wanted to watch it. It took realizing that it had nothing to do with me and was a previous addiction he had before we met. He remained a virgin till he met me so that was his outlet for years.

He has been free of it for months now and our relationship has gotten even better than it was. We now have a son and it has caused us to look at things so differently. I never want him to be exposed to things like this at such a young age. I am smart enough to realize that he will at some point see it. But WE want to raise him to know that it is wrong. There are ways to handle a budding sexuality that honors God.

I am so glad God led me to this site. It has been a great journey for me to gain the knowledge of so many. Being raised in a home where sex was rarely discussed except to say it was for marriage did some damage to me. We live in a highly sexualized world that doesnt just affect men. Thank you for some of the insight you all have provided!

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Re: Signal to noise ratio - follow up

Postby poetess » Wed Aug 12, 2015 8:33 am

When my husband and I first got married, sometimes he would automatically look away when I was undressing, and I realized he had so trained his eyes that they needed to be retrained. And it made me angry that so many people had offered him views (via immodest clothing, magazine covers, commercials, etc.) that what should have been automatic--look at your naked wife--was tainted by so many views. I'm very, very glad his eyes do not linger on scantily clad women (except me), and that he can have a conversation with a woman that treats her as a human being instead of body parts. But I truly despise today's "marketing" of the female body.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!


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