Help

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
hifromme67
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Re: Help

Postby hifromme67 » Wed Feb 24, 2016 9:15 am

Things have been way better for us. He has started his addictions treatment, is open with me (leaving out details though) about porn, and has been trying to be honest about feelings. That is something they discussed in therapy so he is working on that. This weekend we went away for an overnight trip and on the way there he said he wanted to tell me something. He told me that he hasn't thought about porn or had the urge to view it. In our joint sessions I have felt for the first time that he is sincere and understands the pain and damage that has been caused.

doug-h
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Re: Help

Postby doug-h » Wed Feb 24, 2016 9:41 am

hifromme67 wrote:In our joint sessions I have felt for the first time that he is sincere and understands the pain and damage that has been caused.

That is a huge statement right there. I'm not excusing my actions from before that time, and I'm not excusing or justifying his, but it was only when I had that realization, that my heart changed. When my heart changed, my actions followed.

hifromme67
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Re: Help

Postby hifromme67 » Wed Feb 24, 2016 2:19 pm

This time I feel it is different. We have dealt with porn in the past and he knew I didn't care for it and didn't want it around. It wasn't until recently that it became a major issue for us without me knowing that was the reason. I think because he saw how disappointed and devastated I was this time, it opened his eyes. He admitted in the past he would make excuses and fight me over it but this time it is not like that. He has owned up to his mistake, went to confess to our priest that he had commited adultery (porn and lust) and has been open with me and our therapist. This is a new side of him I had not seen.

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be64
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Re: Help

Postby be64 » Wed Feb 24, 2016 9:07 pm

The smart phone porn thing is something I have struggled with both on how to handle my children having smart phones, and also with my own temptation to view porn on my phone. What I have decided is that porn is always going to be out there and the only protection any of us have is our own personal conviction and determination to stay away from it. What I believe is necessary is not an internet filter or such, but personal righteousness and an indomitable spirit, or in other words an unbreakable will to stay far from pornography.
Last edited by be64 on Sun Feb 28, 2016 2:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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hifromme67
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Re: Help

Postby hifromme67 » Thu Feb 25, 2016 5:39 pm

I know that now. Although he did agree to disable internet, Instagram and Youtube from his phone, it will be up to him and only him to be able to refrain from it. He has been letting me know that he hasn't thought about it or has not had urge to view it. We often text really early in the morning as he goes to work around 3 am. He will know I'm up if I post or like something on Facebook. This morning he texted me and asked me why I was up so early. I told him I couldn't sleep as my mind was going in different directions. He told me he loved me, he told me he was staying clean and told me I could read his porn addiction workbook if I wanted to. That is also something I appreciate. He doesn't have to share his workbook or treatment but he does. We don't discuss porn in nitty gritty detail, but we do discuss it. I am not as anxious or angry as I was in the beginning.

hifromme67
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Re: Help

Postby hifromme67 » Sat Feb 27, 2016 3:21 pm

Just here because I have been feeling bad since last night. I had been doing really good with triggers and stuff until last night. Hubby went to bed first and I stayed up in bed reading online. For the life of me, I can't understand men's reasons for watching porn so I read online seeking answers. Of course it makes me feel worse and it triggers me. I finally put the phone down when I began to cry. With so many questions unanswered by hubby (and probably not necessary to have them answered) it eats at me inside. I realize that time will heal the pain but until then, I feel like I suffer alone. Is that normal?


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doug-h
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Re: Help

Postby doug-h » Sat Feb 27, 2016 5:40 pm

What is normal, is completely subjective. It is normal for you, and that is what matters.

Just so you know, you aren't alone. There are many of us from both sides of the issue that are standing with you, praying for your peace and comfort.

I know that you have said that your husband is receiving treatment, and that you attend joint counseling, but are you doing anything just for you? I hate to sound like a broken record, but Celebrate Recovery might help you heal. It isn't just to help specific situations. It might be worth considering.

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be64
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Re: Help

Postby be64 » Sat Feb 27, 2016 6:53 pm

hifromme67 wrote: For the life of me, I can't understand men's reasons for watching porn...

I have not had an addiction to porn nor have I viewed very much of it but I have viewed porn. Something I have been working to avoid and I haven't viewed any for about six weeks. I don't want to sound insensitive but I think the answer to your question is obvious. Viewing porn is sexually stimulating. It makes you feel good. It helps to satisfy unfulfilled desire. My reason for viewing porn was to have vicarious pleasure by viewing men having things done to them that I would like my wife to do to me but she won't do. I'm trying to put those desires out of my mind but had she done to me the things I fantacize about I would not have viewed porn in an attempt to satisfy my fantasy since I would instead have been living my fantasy.
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hifromme67
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Re: Help

Postby hifromme67 » Sat Feb 27, 2016 7:58 pm

The funny thing is I was always available to husband and wanting to try new stuff. He was the one I always considered (never told him) very vanilla in bed. We would fight because he would tell me I wanted it too much and he couldn't keep up with me. He would only want it one way and just very shy about anything new in bed.

hifromme67
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Re: Help

Postby hifromme67 » Sat Feb 27, 2016 8:45 pm

doug-h wrote:I hate to sound like a broken record, but Celebrate Recovery might help you heal. It isn't just to help specific situations. It might be worth considering.

I do go to our counselor as needed but haven't in a couple of weeks. I think for me, I have so many questions that can only be answered in our joint sessions. My friend did tell me about Celebrate Recovery but to be honest, I am not the type of person to discuss such personal issues in a group setting.

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Vanna
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Re: Help

Postby Vanna » Sun Feb 28, 2016 1:23 am

FWIW- They don't make you share, that is optional. Just going and hearing the testimonies can help give you insight and tools and a way of recognizing how completely unalone you are in this struggle.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: Help

Postby George B. » Sun Feb 28, 2016 5:51 am

hifromme67 wrote:Is there something I'm missing within the phone?

Just this: if you haven't done so yet, you can set the website allowed under the Restrictions area of the phone to allow access to only the ones you allow. He can then get individual ones approved, but that way, there's no chance of him sneaking onto anything else on the internet through another app. As a former porn user and a pretty tech savvy guy, I know all the tricks. It took locking my phone down this much in order to really help me kick the habit.

And others here have said this, but I'll add: you are absolutely not alone. This is a fight, alright, but it is a fight worth winning and it can be won.
Last edited by George B. on Sun Feb 28, 2016 6:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
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doug-h
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Re: Help

Postby doug-h » Sun Feb 28, 2016 6:01 am

hifromme67 wrote: My friend did tell me about Celebrate Recovery but to be honest, I am not the type of person to discuss such personal issues in a group setting.

Just so you know, I could have easily written that statement. I am very much the same way, and even today, there are things I share with a very few close friends, that I don't share at the meetings.

I will share this link with you, and then not mention it any more. Please take the time to read it before you rule CR out all together.

http://www.boards.themarriagebed.com/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=65449&p=1026104#p1025995

hifromme67
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Re: Help

Postby hifromme67 » Sun Feb 28, 2016 1:10 pm

I have deleted Google and disabled Safari. I did set restrictions to limit adult content and only blocked a couple that I knew of. I do believe he is no longer viewing. He has volunteered to me that he is staying clean and hasn't thought about it. This is without me asking or prompting. He only has Facebook but he and our counselor know that this is my last chance. We have been through a bunch of other stuff so the trust was just being built again. After this porn situation, it brought the trust back down to nothing. I did tell them both in no uncertain terms that I could not and would not take anymore and that this was his last chance. I can only do so much and if he wants to sneak porn viewing again, he will do it regardless. He knows that you can only hide things for awhile. Eventually everything you are trying to hide comes to the surface.


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Re: Help

Postby padsnd » Sun Feb 28, 2016 2:17 pm

hifromme67 wrote:I guess to me it doesn't make sense. Why watch porn then?

Did you and your friends ever watch guys play a sport when in high-school and sense an attraction? Did you go back and watch them again? Did it "feel" good to watch?

Porn and masturbation can be linked, but both are distinct things. One can masturbate without even having sexual thoughts. The physical body can respond to the rubbing stimulation while the brain is doing advanced calculus. Certainly, the body responds easier when in tandem with the brain. But, the both can operate independently. This is why the brain can register pleasure simply from watching something.

Few, if any, people who get hooked on porn start out thinking, I'm going to watch this so I can masturbate and have an orgasm. In fact, most have their first view as images thrust upon them. In modern time, this is more often by advertisements and popups on computers, phones, etc. When I was a kid, my first view was as a freshmen at band camp. The upperclassmen in my cabin hung up centerfolds with [very graphic photography]. I spent a whole week struggling with not wanting (because I knew it was wrong) and wanting (because it fed my almost scientific curiosity of what things looked like and made me feel good) to look.

They say that porn is like a drug on the brain. When you combine that modern life is full of risks for incidental viewing, it becomes even more problematic. A great case is that nearly every mainstream media outlet from foxnews to CNN and beyond has an image or two of half-dressed women on the side or bottom of the page. I've actually seen a picture of a naked elderly woman on the front of those pages once (when B Arthur decided to pose nude). Without serious filtering, it isn't possible to avoid, and even then, something will get through eventually.

Imagine if people were forced to take a small amount of heroine or cocaine every so often. Would most get hooked? Would we have to have a concerted effort to fight it?

You are right to be upset and right to want him to address this. Don't make the mistake though of interpreting things as you see them. As a previous poster said, some of the most common thoughts about this topic serve to make getting out of it even harder.
padsnd

hifromme67
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Re: Help

Postby hifromme67 » Tue Mar 01, 2016 3:31 pm

Padsnd - I guess I can understand some of what you are saying. I understand men are more visual than women. I honestly don't get turned on by seeing a naked man, half-clothed man or the like. I have read online because I am really trying to understand this that porn addiction is only a symptom of what os actually happening. It can start out as boredom, stress but then really be about something deeper. As our therapist says, it's not about the what, it's about the why. I cannot for the life of me understand how he could have let our sex life go down the drain while being satisfied by porn and MB. Now he says it wasn't always MB which I'm not sure I believe. I still don't know details and not sure I ever will. Our sex life (or what is left of it) is such a mess right now. While I want to have sex with my husband, I can't help but feel fat, ugly, old and filthy. As we make love, all these thoughts go through my head and I really cannot enjoy it. I struggle with maybe we should put sex off for awhile but if we do, will he go back to masturbating. It's a viscious cycle I wish on nobody. It is a deep, horrible pain.


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hifromme67
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Re: Help

Postby hifromme67 » Wed Mar 02, 2016 2:40 pm

Can someone please help me out here before I just completely lose my mind? So during time hubby was using (I'm assuming) I was constantly being rejected. Anytime I would initiate it was usually I'm tired, don't feel good, am happy with our sex life or would become angry because he claimed he did not like when I initiated. He stated and still does, that he feels a man should initiate. So months later the discovery of porn and now he is in treatment and we are in joint couseling. For the last week we have not had sex mostly due to fighting but just because he does not initiate. So yesterday he had his session and he told me our counselor told him we should be discussing things and starting to deal with things in a calm manner.

We sat down last night to discuss some of the things I had been feeling about our sex life. He said he did discuss this with our counselor. He told her he feels he should be the one to initiate and when I do, he "sometimes" enjoys it. Needless to say I was crushed and very angry. I told him he ruined our sex life and now he is telling me I can't initiate. I went to bed mad and this morning he got home from work and wanted to talk. I told him that having sex only when he wants it will not work for me. I told him I don't know what he thinks I am. Does he think I am dead and just don't have needs? Does he want somebody else to take care of my needs? Last night I was SO angry at him that I told him he doesn't want to try anything new (sexually) he doesn't like lingerie (at least on me) and doesn't have a desire but he could watch porn all day everyday? I told him that was BS. I was extremely, extremely angry. At this point I don't even know what to do. Please somebody give me some advice before I lose it.

doug-h
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Re: Help

Postby doug-h » Wed Mar 02, 2016 7:56 pm

I know that it is natural to be angry, and I know that he was in the wrong, but I think an angry confrontation probably won't be well received under most any circumstance. I know it generally puts me on the defensive.

Can you spend some quiet time going over what you are needing from him, and write them down for yourself, and then take those honest desires and write them out in a letter to him? I have found that if I take the time to approach things in that manner, it gives my wife a chance to see my true feelings, and not so much of the hurt and anger, and what I end up saying is a lot less accusatory. It also allows some of her initial defensiveness to fall away, as she has a chance to let them really sink in before responding.

It isn't a cure all, but it has helped in our house, if only to vet a dialogue started.

hifromme67
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Re: Help

Postby hifromme67 » Wed Mar 02, 2016 9:02 pm

[We did talk some more when I got home and it was more calm. What I just don't get is his idea that I shouldn't be the one to initiate. What kind of man doesn't like that? Isn't he sinning by refusing me? For me, once a week (because he wants it) is not enough and isn't fair to me. I understand that I can't force him to want me or want sex but I just don't know how much more I can take.

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DH watched porn but extremely

Postby hifromme67 » Sun Mar 06, 2016 1:53 pm

So DH was exposed to porn/nudity since he was a child. Has watched it probably since age 10 or so. He was recently caught watching porn again after our sex life suffered and I began to suspect porn and masturbation. He is now in treatment and we are in joint counseling.

Can some of the men help me with this one? He is very vanilla and shy in bed. He does not want to try anything new, does not like lingerie, acts as if oral sex (on me) is dirty, and in general acts like an 16 year old boy stuck in a man's body. We have recently began having intimacy problems. He doesn't understand I need affection and attention. It is almost as if I have to constantly prompt him. For example, today I got out of the shower and had to prompt him to touch me. He just doesn't get it on his own. He can't read cues and it drives me insane.

We aren't supposed to discuss porn out of counseling but what I really want to tell him is I bet if I were a whore in a video he would know what to do. When we have sex he likes oral sex on him, likes me to do all the touching, kissing on him but nothing on me. It's enough to drive me away from him.


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