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Help

Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 3:26 pm
by hifromme67
I can only make this brief as I am at work at the moment. Hubby and I agreed to remove internet from his personal cell phone. We have iphones so I disabled safari (through restrictions) and deleted Google. In resrictions I set it so no apps could be installed or deleted. I didn't want him installing another browser. I also deleted youtube and Instagram. He does have Facebook and he can still open up some news sights (if someone has posted a news video) but nothing with adult content. I did test it myself yesterday and if you search for Google within Facebook, it will take you to Google but you can still view images (porn) through there. He isn't tech smart so I don't think that he will figure that out.

Is there something I'm missing within the phone? We are not at a good place right now because of the recent discovery and I feel as if I am drifting away from him emotionally and physically. Ultimately I know that if he wants it bad enough he will find other means so it is up to him as this is his last chance. We have been in counseling for 1.5 years both joint and individual for a variety of issues and one of them mostly trust.

I am now working on boundaries to discuss with our counselor so anything that you can provide me will be helpful.

Re: Help

Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 4:00 pm
by SeekingChange
I had sons bypass "no browser" by going into games and clicking on the ads that come on, that brings up a browser.

Some phones (maybe all), can also turn on in "safe mode" and that will bypass all 3rd party apps (accountability software) and they accessed porn that way.

I don't know much about technology, but those are the things I have learned the hard way.

Re: Help

Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 4:08 pm
by hifromme67
Let me test my phone later. I turned everything off on my phone and then tried to open up a link in one of my text messages and it wouldn't take me anywhere.


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Re: Help

Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 4:11 pm
by hifromme67
He only plays Candy Crush and he can't install or delete apps. I guess I need to figure it out more. But like I said, ultimately it is up to him. I can't play mom. It isn't healthy for me. This is physically making me sick.


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Re: Help

Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 4:14 pm
by SeekingChange
It really is up to him. If one really wants to get to porn, they will find a way to do it, no matter what.

Re: Help

Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 4:18 pm
by hifromme67
I agree.


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Re: Help

Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 4:30 pm
by hifromme67
I just tried through Google maps and it won't open up a browser. Also, on iphones it can reccomend places to eat, etc and it can take you to their websites. I tried and it won't open up a browser.


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Re: Help

Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 5:30 pm
by doug-h
hifromme,

I'm so sorry that you are here for this reason.

I know you mentioned counseling, but has the subject of porn ever specifically been discussed.

Also, is your husband trying to quit and struggling, or is he just going thru the motions to try to keep the peace?

If he is legitemately trying, does he have a support network and some sort of accountability? There are a lot of tools that can help, but none as effective as a repentant heart. That said, the repentant heart might not happen at first, but might come later.

I was a user, and I had already stopped when I found this site. I was in no ways repentant at that point, but reading some of the wives heartbreak here completely changed me. It made porn something I couldn't do anymore, not just something I didn't want to do anymore.

I heard in the voices of the wives of others, what my wife couldn't make me believe.

I tell you that, to encourage him to spend some time reading here. You can encourage him, you can even threaten him, but you can't heal him, especially if he doesn't want to heal.

Would he maybe join a group such as Celebrate Recovery? It might also be beneficial to you. It has been life changing for me.
I will keep you both in my prayers.

Help

Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 6:05 pm
by hifromme67
We have discussed it in counseling only because out sex life had declined and I had questioned if that was the reason. He had led me to believe that wasn't the reason and I had never seen anything on his phone and he was always open with his phone. He had discussed his lack of desire with his physician and with our counselor. He said he doesn't know what made him start watching again. He did say he doesn't know how to quit and not sure why he keeps doing things to screw up our relationship. It was very important to me to know what he was viewing so I asked him. He refused at first and said I had already seen the website. I said I didn't watch the video that was on the site but saw it briefly. He was angry that I was questioning and told him I needed to know for myself. He became extremely angry and told me that he had been watching men being able to satisfy women with their big penises because that is not something he is able to do to me. He became angry that I actually made him tell me. I felt pity for him, turned around and laid down. I don't know how to take that. Right now we are not talking and I just don't really want to be at home but have nowhere to go. I can't discuss with anybody other than my counselor and my best friend who is in another state. After work I didn't even want to come home. It makes me physically sick to think about being here. For the last two nights I have slept on our sofa/recliner in our room.


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Have counseling session tomorrow

Posted: Wed Feb 03, 2016 11:13 am
by hifromme67
So hubby and I have a joint session tomorrow after his individual. This will be the first time he sees our therapist after I disclosed last week that I caught him once again viewing porn. I anticipate that it will be a very heated session and I don't want to waste time arguing. I met with her last week after the discovery because I was devastated. She knew we had been working on rebuilding trust for a year and half and yet he were again with something else blindsiding me. Right now there is zero trust once again. I know he has to want to change and needs to want to stop watching on his own, not because I threaten him.
He has been watching porn since he was a young boy and that was a common thing with his cousins and Uncles. The counselor said it may be a cultutallral thing and he sees nothing wrong with it. While I get that and possibly agree, it doesn't mean that it hasn't become addictive and a problem within our marriage. He ran our sex life into the ground with constant refusal and lies as to why he "wasn't in the mood." He made me torture myself for months by taking the blame for not being good enough. He actually would tell me I wanted sex too much and he couldn't keep up. He was viewing at work and on the way home from work. God knows where else. So yes I see that as an addiction that needs help.

I don't know where to start in counseling. How do I address this? What should I be asking for? He has had ED for many years and has been prescribed various meds for it in the past. He has probably within the last year felt as if he couldn't fulfill me sexually because of the ED and the fact that he could not maintain an erection or wasn't endowed enough for me. I know that this has been a really sore subject for him. When I discovered the porn last week, I made him tell me what kindnof porn he was watching and searching for. He refused at first and was very angry. He then blurted it out. He had been watching well-endowed men satisfy women because he isn't able to do that to me. I can't comprehend how watching someone with a big penis is going to help your self-esteem any.

Can somebody please help me here? I'm at a loss and physically sick over it. I'm not eating and not sleeping. We have our appointment tomorrow and just kind of want some thoughts. I am going to let him know that not being honest with our therapist about frequency and duration of porn will only hurt him and us and I will be letting her know it isn't a casual thing. Unfortunately I have to look at data usage on our cell phone bills to remind me. Sorry to go on and on.

Re: Help

Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 10:35 am
by hifromme67
Anybody?


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Re: Help

Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 10:46 am
by SeekingChange
A book that might give you some understanding is "Surfing For God".

I don't know what you should ask for in therapy...sorry that I can't help you there. But this is what I would do, start praying for God to break him...I have prayed for my own children, "Lord, please be merciful, but break them, so they will see their need for You." That was when their sin came into the light, that was when their relationship with Jesus Christ became real and personal.

Your husband needs to come to a suffering enough that he will cry out to the Lord. When you are praying for that, and when those trials and low times come, you will see them through faith-filled eyes and you will see them as the hand of God moving and that it is an answer to prayer. It keeps despair away and praise on our tongues.

You may not be able to trust your husband, but can you trust God with your husband?

Re: Help

Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 10:51 am
by Drob
Addiction to porn is the same as addiction to anything else. It really boils down to the heart or brain deciding to stop. it's the trigger that causes a person to stop that is the problem, its different for everybody. They already feel bad and ashamed (mostly, some do not) so withdrawing or beating them down usually has the opposite effect of what you are wanting. Imagine it was cancer from smoking, something preventable, how would you treat him then? IMHO, love him reassure him and together work through it. Just like the cancer scenario, it his disease but it affects both of you.

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Re: Help

Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 11:05 am
by happilymarriedkate
It sounds like yoh are doing a lot of the work in this situation. What steps has he taken to help himself?

Re: Help

Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 11:07 am
by doug-h
Hifromme,

I'm going to ask you if you can do.something that I'm sure is not possible.

Can you step back and detatch yourself a little bit? The reason I ask that is because your frustration and your hurt is understandable. It really is. It is also bringing another difficulty to the table. Even your asking your husband specifically what he watched, put him in an incredibly vulnerable position. I can't speak to the truth of his response, but if he did respond truthfully, I can see real anguish in his response. You saw anger, and I'm sure it was there, but consider what he revealed to you. I'm not sure I could have been as honest under the circumstances.

I'm not saying you should let it go, but you need a little distance. First, what did it gain you to ask that particular question. What if his answer had been something else? Would it have made a difference to you?

The other rsason I think you need to step back, is for your own health. If you aren't eating or sleeping, you are just heaping more troubles onto yourself.

Let God, your husband and his counselor deal with his porn addiction. You work on getting you healthy.


I am going to again recommend a group, for you as well as your husband. Pick one that you are comfortable with. I can not recommend Celebrate Recovery enough. Take a look at their website, and see if it might be something you can consider.

Re: Help

Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 12:09 pm
by SquarePants
hifromme67 wrote:He has had ED for many years and has been prescribed various meds for it in the past

This caught my attention. ED can be a symptom of an underlying condition. How is his general health? How old is he? Is he overweight? Taking antidepressants or blood pressure medication? Has he shown signs of depression or anxiety disorder? Has he lost interest in doing other activities that he used to enjoy? Has he had his testosterone levels checked? Is he on testosterone replacement therapy?

hifromme67 wrote:He ran our sex life into the ground with constant refusal and lies as to why he "wasn't in the mood."

In other relationship forums, I’ve seen several examples of men who inexplicably were choosing porn over sex with their spouse. These men tended to have a two additional things in common: ED problems, and they tended to have other symptoms that were common with low testosterone levels.

If you haven’t already, I would explore the possibility that your husband may have depression and/or low testosterone. Not everyone with low testosterone has low libido or isn’t interested in porn. When my testosterone was low (before I got on hormone replacement therapy), my libido was still high, but I didn’t want to do anything that required me to exert energy. If the TV remote wasn’t in my chair, I’d choose to sit on the couch and not watch anything if it required me to stand up and reach over to get the remote. Low testosterone can be determined by a simple blood test. If you already have results, what were the numbers? Many doctors simply use the ridiculous reference ranges that are much too broad. Many men needlessly suffer from low testosterone levels because they have been told by their uninformed doctor that their levels are "normal."

If he’s suffering from depression, anxiety, or ADHD for any reason, then he may have impaired impulse control, which may a factor in his porn use. The visual pleasure can be soothing and very enticing for someone who is experiencing the dark cloud of depression.

hifromme67 wrote:He had been watching well-endowed men satisfy women because he isn't able to do that to me. I can't comprehend how watching someone with a big penis is going to help your self-esteem any.

I totally get that. It’s not about self-esteem. By watching videos of that, he is able to experience what he’s missing to some extent. It’s not as good as the real thing, but it’s better than nothing, and I’ll bet that he’s REALLY longing for that experience.

The last thing that I’d like to mention is that his behavior is not about you. A woman in another forum wrote about her experience with her husband who was experiencing ED problems. They attempted to have sex, but had to stop because of ED. “I was humiliated!” she wrote. I was thinking, ”Really? How do you think HE felt?” Her husband had been avoiding real sex because he'd really catch heck over things he had little control over. The bedroom was not an emotionally safe place for him. I know that it feels very personal, but I’d like to propose that his behavior is more about an internal battle of his, and not intentionally about you.

Re: Help

Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 2:55 pm
by hifromme67
Question for men- Does watching pornography always lead to masturbation? He is telling me that it wasn't always and that there were times he just watched. I mean isn't that why men watch it?

Re: Help

Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 3:04 pm
by SquarePants
hifromme67 wrote:Question for men- Does watching pornography always lead to masturbation?
Nope.

hifromme67 wrote:He is telling me that it wasn't always and that there were times he just watched. I mean isn't that why men watch it?
Just the act of viewing nudity or sexual activity can be pleasurable and soothing.

Re: Help

Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 3:21 pm
by doug-h
hifromme67 wrote:Question for men- Does watching pornography always lead to masturbation? He is telling me that it wasn't always and that there were times he just watched. [b][i]I mean isn't that why men watch it?

For me, pornography usually led to masturbation, but not always.
On the other hand, to answer the question I highlighted, no, that was seldom if ever, the reason I watched it.

If you asked why, at the time, I would likely have given any number of reasons.
After 8 months clean, I can't remember "why". It was compulsive. There didn't need to be a reason. The only reason that makes sense, is that it filled a need I had, couldn't identify, and couldn't satisfy any other way. In the end, porn could not satisfy that need either, but by that time, it was self sustaining.

Re: Help

Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 3:45 pm
by hifromme67
I guess to me it doesn't make sense. Why watch porn then? It's not like they are Oscar winning films. There are many things I am now learning about porn by just reading. I have many, many questions.


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