Help

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
hifromme67
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Help

Postby hifromme67 » Fri Dec 30, 2016 9:00 pm

Believe me I get if, but when he flat out refuses to do joint counseling, that says to me he is not willing to do whatever it takes to heal the marriage. That continues to open the wounds that are trying very hard to heal. He told me today he refuses to go to joimt counseling, it isn't for him and whatever I do is my decision and he will live with those consequences. How can I possibly ever heal and forgive him when I really want to call him selfish?

He ONLY wants to do a "joint" session if I go to HIS therapist because he knows he does not have to discuss anything whatsoever that he doesn't want to. His therapist supports that. I won't be a part of that.


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seeking perspective
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Re: Help

Postby seeking perspective » Fri Dec 30, 2016 9:15 pm

Why are you letting your husband's choices determine your healing? Heart wounds aren't going to heal themselves. They might get less painful over time but that doesn't make them healed. What are you actively doing to pursue healing for yourself?

Perhaps joint counseling should be completely off the table until you are stronger and more healed. It will accomplish more when you are ready for it.

It seems to me that you are putting the responsibility for your healing on your husband's shoulders. He may have caused the wounds, but he cannot heal them. Do you want to be better?
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
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hifromme67
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Re: Help

Postby hifromme67 » Fri Dec 30, 2016 9:25 pm

Of course I want to be better. I am still very, very angry and resentful over what porn/dh has caused. I hate to hear that I have to go get fixed for something he did. I didn't bring porn into our marriage or our marriage bed but yet I have to go get fixed.

I honestly don't think I will ever be able to respect him again and see him in a different light. I am afraid that the damage has been done and there is no fix. Please keep in mind that porn was just the last straw for our relationship. He had done many things to break that trust. When that was far from being healed, discovery of the porn came. So it isn't just porn that I hate him for.


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Re: Help

Postby Leah » Sat Dec 31, 2016 5:31 am

It sounds as if you don't want to stay married.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Re: Help

Postby SeekingChange » Sat Dec 31, 2016 8:10 am

Your husband sinned. He screwed up. He definitely has done his fair share of damage to your marriage. I am not denying any of that.

I am one who tends to always bring the focus back around on the most important relationship of all....the relationship with the One who actually has the power to throw us in hell. (Lk 12:5)

Do you realize that you are in rebellion to the Lord? You are so focused on others, you seem to justify your own sin. Do you really think God is going to bless rebellion?
    Forgive, or you won't be forgiven - No!
    Love....your husband, neighbor or enemy (whichever describes him best at the moment)- No!
    Respect your husband - No!
    Do not be anxious....do not worry....trust Me - No, I want control.

 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. (1 Pt 1:6-7)

Is your faith proving genuine? Is this resulting in praise, glory, and honor? Working out your salvation with fear and trembling (Phil. 2:12) might be where you should put your focus. Remove the log out of your own eye, so that you can see clearly to help your husband remove the speck in his. At the moment, you have a skewed, distorted vision, in all essence, you are blinded.

Truth is truth. Your husband's sin absolutely does not justify your own sin. God's grace is vast. Forgiveness is ours when we repent. He says, humble yourself and He will lift you up.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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SeekingChange
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Re: Help

Postby SeekingChange » Sat Dec 31, 2016 11:36 am

I am planning on going through this study with someone who is in a very similar position as you, maybe it would be helpful to you.... LORD, Heal My Hurts
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Help

Postby Job29Man » Sat Dec 31, 2016 12:11 pm

That's a great book. I have used it in pre-marital counseling to get a couple to expose their deep seated issues to the light of discussion.
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: Help

Postby seeking perspective » Sat Dec 31, 2016 12:30 pm

As I've been working on myself over the past few years, I've noticed something about my heart wounds: other people don't cause the wounds as much as they uncover the wounds that are already there.

Let me illustrate: I have some deep-seated, lifelong issues that are the foundation of my pain and my reactions to things that happen. One of them is insecurity.

It used to be that if my husband raised his voice in anger when speaking to me, my mind automatically went to the place of "he doesn't love me," "he doesn't want to be married to me," and "I'm worthless." In speaking gruffly to me, my husband was being unloving. My reaction was to take it personally and to say that he wounded me. It is more accurate to say, though, that his tone uncovered the old wounds that I already had in my heart.

The pain was real, and my husband's actions were wrong. However, his actions were not the root cause of all my pain.

There are times now when my husband speaks like this to me. Because I have worked on my own growth and healing, my reaction now is to wonder what pain he is experiencing that has led him to speak in such a way. It is a sign to me that my wounds are mostly healed.

Your husband's sins against you were wrong. Any wife would feel hurt. It isn't fair that you have to deal with this. I would encourage you to think about whether he has caused all the pain, or whether some of the pain is that he has uncovered what was already there.

The fact that you are talking about childhood issues with your therapist may be a good step in dealing with your real heart wounds.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
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Re: Help

Postby Medic » Sun Jan 01, 2017 11:01 pm

hifromme67 wrote:I honestly don't think I will ever be able to respect him again and see him in a different light.


This is a serious statement. Think of your husband stating "I honestly don't think I will ever be able to love her again and see her in a different light." Ouch!

Even though your husband has done a lot of things that are not deserving of respect that is exactly what he needs. Even though I have screwed up one of the things (besides God) that is helping me make great strides forward is the respect that my wife has for me. When she respects me it shows me that I can change and it validates that I can move forward. When my wife has stated "you won't change" that breaks me and confirms my worst inner fears (yes beyond our tough and often bearded exterior we men are soft... rather like a jelly :mrgreen: :mrgreen: ). My wife has chosen to respect me. It was difficult decision and it still is difficult and sometimes daily, but when she respects me it provokes me to be a better husband. My wife's respect means she looks for the good in me and calls that out.

One thing God has been showing my wife this week (I should probably have her come and share :wink: ) is that she is not responsible for others walk with God, but her own. She has been so much time worrying about me or her family or whoever. She can pray that I will drink water, but she cannot make me, as much as I may need the change and as she may want to see it!

Practically speaking hifromme67 this is your time to shine and be wife of the century. Choose to see the good in your husband. Maybe right now you don't see it and this understandable, but God sees the good in that man. Ask God to show you the good in him. Everyday I dare you to find one thing that he has done that day that you are thankful for. Once you have found that thing to be thankful for tell him, text him, email him, or leave him a sticky note. Let him know you are thankful for the way he provides, he was honest, he made you feel loved, or whatever it is that you are thankful for that day.

Pray these things
1. Lord show me the good in my husband
2. Lord give me respect for my husband
3. Lord show me how to love my husband
4. Lord teach me how to forgive as you have forgiven my husband
5. Lord I thank you for my husband

hifromme67 wrote:I hate to hear that I have to go get fixed for something he did. I didn't bring porn into our marriage or our marriage bed but yet I have to go get fixed.


Christ likeness is not easy, but as followers of His truth it is what we are called to (it is a difficult path). Christ did not sin... we did. He forgave us for something He was not responsible for and something He did not cause. Just as you did not bring porn into your marriage Christ did not bring sin into this world. Christ forgave us and paid our debt. He chose us while we were yet sinners filthy and dirty because He saw better in us. Think about this! :D In this light forgive your husband (full forgiveness means you will no longer hold it against him).

As Elisabeth Elliot would say all trials in life are a chance to suffer with Christ. Instead of thinking "God why could you let this happen to me" as is natural for us. Think of it as "I am suffering and I suffer with you Christ" use this difficult situation as a place to draw closer to God, to become more Christ like, and to suffer with Christ.

hifromme67 I want to see your marriage succeed. I want to hear reports of how God has brought you and your husband together. I want to hear how you feel loved and how you respect your husband more than any other man. I want to hear how your husband is no longer vanilla in bed and knows just what buttons of yours to push. For these things I pray! These aren't things that will come easily or immediately, but God can make them happen. Be patient and look to Him for He is absolutely faithful.

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Re: Help

Postby Hiswifeagain » Mon Jan 02, 2017 9:43 am

Great post, Medic!

hifromme67, do you want to respect your husband again? I'm not asking sarcastically. If you want to respect him again, but are having trouble you might find some help here. They have an online group study that you can join to walk through this with other women who are also wanting to respect their husbands again.

FWIW, I agree with Seeking Perspective that it's likely your wounds didn't start with your husband's porn problem. I would guess they didn't even start with what your dh did before the porn, but back in your childhood. Have you ever heard of Love Styles?

You might find a lot of help and healing with these links. I know I sure have.

Be blessed,
HWA
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

hifromme67
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Re: Help

Postby hifromme67 » Tue Jan 10, 2017 10:32 pm

Having a very, very difficult day today. Pray for me to make the right decision.


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Re: Help

Postby doug-h » Wed Jan 11, 2017 7:31 am

Praying for wisdom and direction.

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Re: Help

Postby SeekingChange » Wed Jan 11, 2017 7:34 am

I lifted you in prayer and will continue as the Lord brings you to mind.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

hifromme67
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Re: Help

Postby hifromme67 » Mon Jan 16, 2017 1:42 pm

Things have been super rough these last couple of weeks. We are up and down, but mostly down. I want with everything I have for things to work out, but I am always afraid that things are fixed only temporarily and they will go back. Trusting and being vulnerable is very, very difficult for me. Last nignt we were watching a movie (Kiss of the Dragon) which is one of my favorite martial arts movie. Each time we catch it, it seems to be in the middle...except for last night. There is a scene in the beginning where two hookers are hired to pretend they are going to sleep with a john but actually kill him. My husband handed me to remote to forward it (directv) but it didn't work. The one hooker got on top of the john and was grinding on him. I wanted to just hide under the bed. It went by quickly and right after that I couldn't concentrate on the movie. All I kept thinking about. was that scene. He knew something was wrong and asked me. I told him the scene ruined the movie for me. What do you guys do during these moments?


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hifromme67
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Re: Help

Postby hifromme67 » Mon Jan 23, 2017 12:06 pm

These last few days have been filled with triggers and mostly intrusive thoughts. It seems as if those thoughts will just never go away. I try to fight them and tell myself I shouldn't worry about something that is no longer happening, but it is easier said than done. Sometimes (most of the times) just looking at my husband triggers me. I look at him and I start to wonder what kind of porn he watched, what he liked (or likes), why wasn't I enough. I know, I know, the porn use isn't about me and most of the time it isn't even about sex. While I sometimes believe that, I also believe that ultimately it is about your partner and what they are NOT. I discovered some of my husband's old dvds last weekend and the titles alone crushed me. I told him I feel like my lofe is controlled by porn and his choices.


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Re: Help

Postby sunny-dee » Wed Jan 25, 2017 3:39 pm

I've thought and thought, and I feel bad that no one has responded but, honestly, I just don't know what to say.

Some of this really is on your husband. (Like ... why does he still have a porn stash????) And some of it is on you. If you feel that you can move past this, then you need to take control of your thoughts. In the past, I had a handful of Bible verses and I would just recite them if I needed to refocus my thinking. Maybe something like that, something already planned out that when you hit a bad thought, you go and quote that verse to yourself and move on.

The other thing is ... if you can't move past it. This is a betrayal. If you cannot forgive and let go and get back to a normal relationship, then I think you need to question whether you should be there at all. I can't remember all your details, but maybe a separation would help get your head straight or help you move on. Assuming you actually put in the effort to heal.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. {{hugs}}

hifromme67
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Re: Help

Postby hifromme67 » Wed Jan 25, 2017 4:51 pm

He did not know they were still in there. They were at the very bottom of the backpack all scratched and peeling. The only thing that saved his butt was that the laptop he keeps in there doesn't have a cd/dvd drive, it has the 3.5 old school disc. These were dvds. I honestly believe him because he has some old stuff in there (years old) and he agreed to a polygraph to prove he has not watched since he got caught and that those are old. We go up and down on things and tomorrow is one year to the day so it's been tough.

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Re: Help

Postby poetess » Fri Jan 27, 2017 8:59 am

So he has been clean a year, or just a year since discovery? Have you had a chance to celebrate his being clean?
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

hifromme67
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Re: Help

Postby hifromme67 » Fri Jan 27, 2017 9:23 am

Since day of discovery (today) he has been clean. We have not because I don't know how. I'm also afraid to trust completely for fear of being made a fool of. It's hard because I looked at my memories on Facebook from last year and I know exactly what was going on the morning after discovery and I had to go to work. It's torture. I look at the pictures andnit makes me sad.


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Re: Help

Postby hifromme67 » Fri Jan 27, 2017 8:07 pm

Do message boards and/or forums ever make you stress more than help you? Sometimes they do for me. They often trigger things or make me think of things beyond of what I should be thinking about.

For example, dh and I are dealing with his porn addiction/recovery. Today is the 1 yr anniversary of d day. Also, today I open the forums to some post about why men watch porn. Of course the first thing I read is that the spouse isn't attractive, is fat, etc. Just not good for the self-esteem you know.


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