The Story of Cayenne: The Porn Chapter

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
hifromme67
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Re: Pornography without Masturbation (and my story - its lon

Postby hifromme67 » Sat Mar 12, 2016 1:30 pm

doug-h wrote:As to the question about masturbation, I guess I draw a blank there. It is possible that he is telling the truth, and it is equally possible that he is too ashamed to tell the truth. Since he can't prove a negative, it all comes down to your willingness, or unwillingness to believe him. I guess my question to you is, how important is it for you to know details? Will they bring you any peace?

I am just now reading this. My DH tells me the same and becomes angry when I insist he was masturbating in his work van. So for us, our sex life went downhill and he had NO desire. So if he wasn't masturbating, why was there no desire? It doesn't make sense. For me, it is very important to know those details because he is saying one thing but our sex life proved another. How do we avoid and heal from things that are not brought out into the open?

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Re: Pornography without Masturbation (and my story - its lon

Postby doug-h » Sat Mar 12, 2016 2:51 pm

I, for one would have a difficult time being arroused, if this was wandering around in the back of my head, even if you were true. If it is false, then your last statement becomes an impossible scenario for him. Would you have him admit to something that wasn't true, in the interest of bringing things into the open?

Yes, your suspicions are valid, but that by itself doesn't make them a fact.

As for what your sex life is telling you, didn't you tell us that he struggled with ED? If that is the case, doesn't it shed some light on some of the problems you two are having. Your sex life has proven nothing. It is an indicator that one, or possibly many things are going on that impact it, but it doesn't point to anything by itself.

I am really sorry you are going thru this, but I can tell you, you won't find any comfort or healing by continuing down that path. Forgive me if that is too blunt.

hifromme67
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Re: Pornography without Masturbation (and my story - its lon

Postby hifromme67 » Sat Mar 12, 2016 4:11 pm

I guess I can't wrap my head around why can you be aroused by porn but not by your wife? Let's assume he wasn't masturbating, where was he being satisfied then? If he wasn't masturbating but becoming aroused, he would then come home wanting sex don't you think? He has not had an issue with ED since he has stopped watching porn over a month ago. The only issue we continue to have is lack of desire. I tell you, this is enough to drive somebody crazy. It is like putting a puzzle together with pieces missing.

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Re: Pornography without Masturbation (and my story - its lon

Postby doug-h » Sat Mar 12, 2016 4:23 pm

Don't you think that him being ashamed, and you reinforcing that shame, might have a negative impact on his sex drive. I KNOW it would make it very difficult to even be near my wife. Shame is every bit as damaging as pornography, if not dealt with.

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Re: Pornography without Masturbation (and my story - its lon

Postby Vanna » Sat Mar 12, 2016 4:31 pm

Try it from this angle:

A person can drink a beer because they are thirsty. An alcoholic does not drink because of thirst. The addiction is a chemical reaction in the brain that produces a desired mental state. That is the basic chemistry of porn, it is a chemical stimulus in the brain used to medicate a root issue- anger, insecurity, fear of failure, avoidance of the difficulties of human interaction... Whatever they find they can't deal with. If they stay in it long enough, typically, the fix will get more and more elusive, and the stimulus has to become more and more extreme.

You need to separate your husbands sexuality from his use of a chemical stimulant. The root issue isn't sex, it's whatever situation, emotion, discomfort he was medicating.

That can be hard to understand since the nature of porn feels like a personal attack on the spouse and covenant. Yet it really boils down to hormones, endorphins, and adrenaline altering their mental state.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

hifromme67
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Re: Pornography without Masturbation (and my story - its lon

Postby hifromme67 » Sat Mar 12, 2016 5:47 pm

I understand that about your typical addicts but porn I just don't get. I guess I will never understand that. Our therapist says we may never know the reason. So how does that help us, him or our marriage heal. How will that help us put everything back together? It isn't just the fact that porn is a sin and I want him to stop. There is a reason he watched and not like he says "because I grew up around it."

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Re: Pornography without Masturbation (and my story - its lon

Postby Cayenne » Sat Mar 12, 2016 7:57 pm

hifromme67 wrote: There is a reason he watched and not like he says "because I grew up around it."

Yes, there is a reason he looked at porn. Everything I learn says... it isn't sex. And it isn't us, the wife. Yeah, it's hard for me to grasp why he'd look at porn and not M, but that is largely because of my personality.

Why did/does he look at porn? Well, I'm sure there's people here who can explain it better, who may even be able to educate us further and refine this... But, I'm going to give you how I look at it in hopes that maybe the way I explain it might help you somehow.

I see porn as a symptom. That's right, porn isn't the root problem!

Somewhere along the way, my DH reached his tipping point with stress. He wasn't coping well, and as is totally normal for people with stress that hasn't been dealt with, he needed to escape. He could have turned to alcohol, drugs, or any number of ways to escape reality, but he chose porn. Maybe it was opportunity, maybe it was because it was free, maybe it was because it was readily available and could be kept secret from others. Most often, it is because back in childhood somewhere he was exposed to it before, so it becomes a natural place to turn for comfort. Back then, he might have used it as an escape, or it might have soothed, much like I might turn to comfort foods when I am stressed. Its not a conscious thought at all.... The real root problem is his lack of coping with stress..... However, he wasn't thinking, and probably had no idea, that porn is just as addictive as drugs.... So once he started and realized it was a problem, he couldn't just stop. Because it was secret, it took on a life of its own. It was addiction just like substance abuse. I simply accept that the psychologists know what they are talking about when it comes to the addictive nature of porn. I can't rely on my emotions...emotions aren't fact based. Yes, I need to cope with my emotions - and they are normal. But at the end of the day, facts must win if I'm going to not only save my marriage, but save my sanity.

I know. Porn doesn't seem like just a symptom. Its so terribly damaging to me, as a wife. But you know what? Drug addiction destroys entire families of addicts too. It helps me to understand that after the addiction formed, which took very little time in reality, DHs use of porn was because of addiction. For some reason, that makes it easier for me accept it wasn't really about me. Who can argue with chemical addiction in the brain?
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Could I be going insane

Postby Cayenne » Sat Apr 09, 2016 4:53 am

I've always valued tough women. Women who are perfectly feminine, yet can work hard, do things not usually expected of women, aren't ruled by emotions, and are really tall. I am aware that's an odd list. I think it started when I was a little girl and my dad complimented my accomplishments with, "wow! You're an Amazon woman". I didn't have a clue what that meant, but I got the idea that tough was good. When he taught me to drive, and said I drove like a man, I was extremely proud. It took me until I was an adult to arrive at a state where I felt I was not ruled by emotions, that logic was my frame of reference. A few years ago, I asked him for some advice, and dad said, "I know that you will always make the practical choice." This was a compliment of the highest proportions. I'm comfortable in sandals, flowy flowery skirts, or steel toed boots, blue jeans and paint speckled tshirts. I love to make pretty girly things, plant and harvest my garden, demolish walls, hang drywall, and use power tools. Unfortunately, I never hit my goal of 6ft tall, but I've come to terms with that.

I'm not sure what's happened to me, except it must be all in my head. After some issues arose that involved my son being bullied at church, and having his privates grabbed by an older boy, I discovered I couldn't always control my emotions anymore. Oh, how I hate that. I've tried to pretend I'm still tough, still logical, still the person I'd struggled so long to become. I'm afraid that being tough may have become a facade, built from remnants of the past. That the reality just might be that I'm a basket case.

Especially now that porn has made an ugly appearance in my marriage.

My DHs trip into porn hasn't altered my behavior much, I still parade around the bedroom as naked as before... And yet it's such a slap in the face, I feel like vomiting when I think of it.

I've got some insecurities dredged from deep within myself that I'd kept pretty buried over the years, but a trip to grocery store confirms to me that I'm pretty normal (I'm talking about who's walking around in the aisles, not those detestible magazines by the register). It's the porn that isn't normal. I don't think I truly have any more insecurities now than I did before, they've just been forced into the light of day.

In reality, I'm pretty pragmatic about DHs porn use. I've read about the psychology of men enough that I accept the reality that it wasn't my fault, it wasn't about me, etc. As long as I don't let my mind go into the specifics of what porn he looked at, I'm ok. If I do go there, I'm an emotional wreck, so I haven't let myself go there in months.

So then, why have I been up all night last night feeling devastated?

Because...

To me, porn isn't the real issue. Yes. It's degrading, disgusting, and totally sinful. I cannot, will not, coexist in the same house as porn. It's just not going to happen. But it still isn't the real issue.

The real issue in our case is the state of mind my DH was in that would open up porn as an option to him. The emotional scarring in his brain that he needed "medicated". That's the real issue.

What's the solution to the real problem? Well, I think it's communication. Yep. Simple communication could have prevented this whole mess. If he'd dealt with his traumas, instead of silently stuffing them inside. If he'd discussed with me when he felt I was rejecting him (and I wasn't). If he'd found a friend to open up to, if he'd talked to me, if he'd allowed his hurts to be conquered, instead of fester and grow into a painful, overwhelming sore.... He likely wouldn't be where he is today.

After I caught him, he tried very hard to open up to me, to communicate with me. He helped me rearrange the family schedule so that we'd have some quality private time together to, ahem, talk, without kids. It was great. In many ways, the best time we'd had in years.

But something's happened. He's slipping back into his silence. He's sitting and reading his dealnews emails and checking out trucks for sale on his phone, instead of helping me get the kids moving towards bed. And I've been having several physical challenges where I need extra help temporarily!

I don't think he's been viewing porn again. He says he hasn't, and hasn't had any screen time that I'm aware of where he'd even have the opportunity. I've seen the screen of his phone frequently in passing.... It really was deals and trucks.

So last night, when I said, "I really miss having the time together, our schedule has really been slipping. Do you have any suggestions what we can do about speeding up getting the kids to bed so we can be together more?" - And was hit with nothing.... Total silence - I was shocked. The reality is, our private time together is a lot of conversation on pleasant topics, nudity, and sex... Ok, so even the topic of conversation was often sex.... So its not like I was suggesting anything he wouldn't enjoy. My attempts at follow up... More silence. After waiting a very long time, especially for a short attention span like mine (over half a hour), I tried to explain how important communicating is... Yeah, pretty sure I messed that up, because I got more silence. After two more hours of waiting, I asked if I should be waiting any longer.... More silence, then snoring.

Now I'm wondering what I have to do to get his attention. I love that man fiercely. I cannot fathom life without him. But..... I can't take the silence forever. Yes, we chatter on and on endlessly about the kids, work, the garden, the house, the church, whatever. Until I ask something that's on my heart. Then it's silence.

Please talk to a man about your porn use. Silence.

Would you like me to do more of ::xx or more of ::xx now. Silence.

Please just TALK to me. Silence.

It dawned on me a week or so after I found the porn that our biggest challenge in our marriage is communication. I told him this... He really tried for awhile, it was wonderful.

Now it's worse than ever. I feel him slipping away into that vast silence in his own head.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. The porn.... I can deal with that, traumatizing as it is. The silence....

I love him so... And yet I contemplate where I will go when I break. And let him come home to silence.

My eyes are swollen shut. I was supposed to go somewhere today. I think I'd better just accept "basket case" as my new reality.
"There, but for the grace of God, go I."

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Re: Pornography without Masturbation (and my story - its long)

Postby doug-h » Sat Apr 09, 2016 5:24 am

Really sorry that you are going thru this. Silence is very much a mans default position when feeling cornered, and unwilling to respond. We(speaking for myself here, but I don't think I am alone) have a real difficulty in admitting our feelings to ourselves, much less to anyone else. I just want you to know that your husband isn't unique in that.

Praying for you both.

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Re: Pornography without Masturbation (and my story - its long)

Postby Cayenne » Mon Apr 11, 2016 10:57 am

Thanks, Doug.

First, I don't doubt you are correct in your assessment. I think my DH adds to that a desire not to ever say things that hurt people's feelings. It results in a complete lock down.
Last edited by Cayenne on Mon Apr 11, 2016 2:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Pornography without Masturbation (and my story - its long)

Postby Cayenne » Mon Apr 11, 2016 2:39 pm

I think where this is boiling down to, at the present, is two things.

First, my DH isn't accustomed to talking openly the past few years. Instead, he's developed a habit to retreating into silence. I don't know how to make progress in silence. I can't respect his viewpoint if I don't know what it is.

I have to make decisions for the family daily while he's gone to work, and I can't possibly consider his opinion on those things if I don't know what his opinions are. Eventually, this leaves me feeling very, very alone. I have learned to operate pretty independently in some things - because I have to. Then he feels pushed out. I can't win. He always is nice to me, so I don't always even know he's feeling this way.

Being ignored hurts me very badly. He probably would say, "I wasn't ignoring you, I just didn't know what say!" Ok, so then just say "I don't know what to say". ( I've already made it clear I accept answers like that, and will drop the topic for the time being.) At least I'm not sitting there waiting for hours for an answer. Do you know how grueling this makes the conversations? Something I think should take 5-10 minutes can take hours, with only 5 minutes of actual speaking. Not a great motivator for more communication.

There have been manifestations of these things in the past on more isolated issues and occasions. After I found out about the porn, communication was better for awhile. But the problem has gotten a lot more pronounced in the past few weeks.

Second, my DH doesn't make a decision any faster than he has to. If he has only 5 minutes, he makes the decision in 5 minutes. Not 4 minutes, mind you. Five. If he has a week to decide, he takes the entire week! There are reasons he's this way, and most the time it doesn't bother me at all.

Back in October, I asked for three things regarding pornography.

1. I said, I want you to get personal accountability. He said ok. He still hasn't embraced accountability.

2. I said I want internet filtering and/or accountability. He said ok. A couple months later, he installed something that doesn't work for me, the primary user of our internet service. Not only that, but it's too easy to circumvent. I politely thanked him for his effort, and asked him to keep looking. I think he's looked a few times, but so far nothing has changed.

3. I said, we need to explore whether or not we need counseling. He said ok. This of course has gone nowhere.

The thing is, these were all open ended. Sure, I requested sooner than later.... Totally different than, say, "I need it dealt with by April 15". So what's his motivation for making progress? I've already waited 6 months! I can be very impatient, I know this, so I'm trying to be patient. But when is enough, enough, and it's time to see some real action? Obviously, I'm going to have to provide a limit to how long I can wait or this could drag out a lot longer. I do want to be fair, and consider his personality, other time demands, the difficulty of several things I've asked for, etc. Eventually, shouldn't he act on the basis of his priorities? Am I not reasonable to expect these basic things?



So that comes to the follow up on what happened Friday night/Saturday morning.

Whenever I write a post, I usually edit it 2-3 times, until I don't see any typos. Once I hit submit, I proofread it again, because I almost always spot more typos. I really don't like my typos. So that's what I did.... Only, when I went to read it again, I started crying out loud. DH heard me. Normally, he wouldn't come, this time he did. He asked, "what's wrong?" It seemed obvious to me what at least one issue was, but I let that one go in case he genuinely didn't get it. Once I could talk, I said, "What do I have to do to get your attention?" I explained to him as kindly and firmly as I could, that I'm at the end of my rope. I told him, "if you called your employee into your office and asked a question, you wouldn't tolerate them sitting there in complete silence for 30 minutes, 1 hour, or even 2 hours, but somehow it's ok for you to ignore me." I explained that I was trying to be fair, but that under the circumstances, it was only right that he went to some extra length to prove to me he was dealing with things, not just ignoring the issues. I told him I had requested only a very few things, and tried to make it as easy for him as possible, but that he just wasn't making a few things that really matter to our family a priority. I need him to make us a priority. Anyway, after I said my piece, I finished with, "What I really want is to fix our marriage." He said, "me too." That's the last he's said on the topic. (Other than a couple "I'm sorrys".)

He's been very kind to me since. He helped me with some things I've been having difficulty with because of some back pain, and did a couple other things he's been dragging his feet on for awhile. I haven't had the energy to approach any deep issues... We both need a little time to reflect. We shall see.

I pray we can make it through this. It seems such a shame to have so much good in our relationship, only to have a couple issues bring us down.
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How to isolate yourself

Postby Cayenne » Tue Apr 12, 2016 2:28 pm

Maybe I should rename my initial post to broaden the topic... I'm just taking the liberty of continuing my story here as it evolves... Seems better than cluttering up the forum with a multitude of disjointed topics that warrant a minimum of replies.

I'm thinking over a comment made to me the other day. It was a good, wise comment (if you're the one who made the comment, please don't explain why the comment was made, I get it.) I just don't know how to act on it.

The comment was: Do you have some ladies you can discuss this with?

Well, I guess the answer is, no.

Why? There's a few things.

It's partly my own way of thinking. I don't like it when women "bash" their men. Yeah, men say and do things that are incomprehensible to me sometimes, but that doesn't mean that they are bad, wrong, or stupid. Women aren't bad, wrong, or stupid just because men don't always understand us. I believe in being fair. Most the women in my life, if they knew what was going on, would want to help me rip my husband apart for, well, just about everything. It wouldn't be too long before he was reinvented in our minds into something that doesn't even resemble reality. I am not interested. There seem to be a lot of ladies on here that are NOT that way, and I think it's great! But I don't know how to find them in "real" life without a lot of trial and error, and I'm pretty short on extra energy for dealing with the error.

Take, for example, my best friend. (I wish this wasn't an open the public section of the forum, if you find this, my friend, I love you!) She is a wonderful lady. So yesterday I told her the story of this weekend. She was kind and supportive, and then she said, "do you think he's tired of the marriage?" Ouch. The implications of that are erroneous. Painful. Like, that it might be my fault all this has happened. Yes, I know I'm not all peaches and cream to live with. But honestly, he doesn't act like he's trying to get away from me in any way. What the little doubt that got planted in my mind did, though, was cause me to question why my DH came home from work so happy yesterday. Years I've prayed for him to be happy again (his joy was stolen during the traumatic situation I referenced in my first post). Years it's been since he's come home with a smile. Yesterday, he was smiling, laughing.... And because of that planted doubt, I had to fight with being suspicious why he might be happy! (And I'm really good at imagining worst case scenarios). Even though he gave every indication of being glad to see me and the kids! I don't need this.

My other friend who knows.. Wonderful woman. But she's super casual about it. "No big deal, every man does this, it's like a midlife crisis. You'll be ok. Hey, have you ever seen those kids textbooks about...."

Then there's mom. Uh, NO! He'd never be allowed in the family again, all her acquaintances would get a confidential report of how horrible DH is, and I'd be called for daily updates on his misbehaviors for the rest of her life, or until we went into the witness protection program. Because even the witness protection program would recognize our obvious need to escape her, and protect us even though we technically aren't witnesses to anything.

The church women, well, we're looking for a new church because of them and their kids. Does that cover it well enough?

Ah, then there's the celebrate recovery and 12 steps. That sounds the most promising in many ways, but there's some logistics I can't seem to get past yet.

Where do I leave my kids? I homeschool. We don't leave them with anyone, generally. We live hundreds of miles from family. DH doesn't get off work early enough, consistently enough, for me to schedule anything in the evening that I need to be at (I'd have drive awhile to get there and back, too). I am actually quite shy in person (might be hard to believe, but it's true....), especially if I don't know you. So, that means I have virtually no connections in town, the ones I have I would not leave my kids with.

So, that leaves me with places like this forum. I am very thankful for this forum. I'm aware I've posted to myself a few times (Not complaining or soliciting comments, I figure someone will say something to me if I sound like I'm in real trouble.) So, I hope it's ok if I continue to work things out in my head here, I don't really know where else to right now. Sometimes I just need to get the thoughts out of my head where someone can stop me if I'm going the wrong way.

Last night kinda spun my mind. A combo of, wow, I don't have to try to be happy for both of us, he is actually laughing! (I asked him why, he said he didn't know, he just was!) And trying to suppress awful doubt that I was being tempted with.

He looks so good with a smile on his face!
Last edited by Cayenne on Tue Apr 12, 2016 2:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: How to isolate yourself

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Apr 12, 2016 2:45 pm

Cayenne wrote:So, I hope it's ok if I continue to work things out in my head here, I don't really know where else to right now. Sometimes I just need to get the thoughts out of my head where someone can stop me if I'm going the wrong way.

I believe this is perfectly fine! I am one who reads everything you post, but I just don't have much to offer, so I stay quiet. When I was trying to work through things with my husband's porn use and some sexual addictive behaviors, I had no one to talk to, not even a forum. Some of it was just God and I, and most of it was just me trying to handle it in my very ill-equipped way, which severely lacked, and probably made things worse over all. I very much let myself be "justified" in my own actions towards him. :oops: Keep sharing and allow fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to encourage you, pray for you and advise you. But always let the Word and the Spirit be your filter.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: How to isolate yourself

Postby Cayenne » Wed Apr 13, 2016 8:17 am

SeekingChange wrote:I believe this is perfectly fine! I am one who reads everything you post, but I just don't have much to offer, so I stay quiet.


I understand this, I'm one who reads most the new posts, but only responds rarely. I not offended when there's no response! I trust if I began to really drift off into nonsense, someone would speak up! I start to feel a little weird when I post too many back to back, like I should start a blog or something, but then I'd really be talking to myself and I don't really want to focus on myself all the time.

When I was trying to work through things with my husband's porn use and some sexual addictive behaviors, I had no one to talk to, not even a forum. Some of it was just God and I, and most of it was just me trying to handle it in my very ill-equipped way, which severely lacked, and probably made things worse over all. I very much let myself be "justified" in my own actions towards him. :oops: Keep sharing and allow fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to encourage you, pray for you and advise you. But always let the Word and the Spirit be your filter.


Who IS well equipped when they find themselves in these situations? I'd think that would be pretty rare. We certainly all make mistakes in this process. Hopefully we will find the end result, which hopefully includes a stronger relationship with God, to be worth the effort.

I appreciate what you have to say, both here and other places on the forum.
"There, but for the grace of God, go I."

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Re: Pornography without Masturbation (and my story - its long)

Postby Elevation » Wed Apr 13, 2016 10:37 am

Out of curiosity, Cayenne, what types of personalty would you say your DH is out of the four personality types?

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Re: Pornography without Masturbation (and my story - its long)

Postby Cayenne » Wed Apr 13, 2016 11:29 am

Elevation wrote:Out of curiosity, Cayenne, what types of personalty would you say your DH is out of the four personality types?


Phlegmatic.

He took the test years ago, I don't remember the exact score, but my recollection is it was a high percentile.

He's as easy going and patient as they come.


Edited to add:

I know he's taken it again around 1999-2000, but I couldn't find those.

I did find the test results from high school.

Dh was
81%tile Phelgmatic
37%tile Sanguine
29%tile Choleric
17%tile Melancholy.

Me, same time period, for contrast :wink: :
6%tile Phlegmatic
27%tile Sanguine
74%tile Choleric
64%tile Melancholy

I know we both changed somewhat by the later tests, I just don't know where I hid the results.
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Re: Pornography without Masturbation (and my story - its long)

Postby Elevation » Wed Apr 13, 2016 1:24 pm

Hmmm...the reason I ask is that his results describe a white personality from The Color Code (which narrows down our personality traits based on motives...White personalities main motive is PEACE at all cost).

Even as I read the characteristics of Phlegmatic, the personality mirrors White personality...

a) http://temperaments.fighunter.com/?page=phlegmatic
b) http://www.theawakeningworkshop.com/Whi ... ities.html


Thoughts?

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Cayenne
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Personality types and.... Coping after porn?

Postby Cayenne » Wed Apr 13, 2016 3:58 pm

No wonder I always liked Harrison Ford! Same personality as DH. :lol: What I think is really funny is that my favorite actor (back when I watched movies) was Tom Selleck. Reason? He reminds me of DH in some ways. (And that's seriously my two favorite actors.)

I see the similarities between your links, Elevation. I have to say, the link describing the Phlegmatic was almost dead on DH, with a few exceptions. (Not being familiar with the Color Code approach, some things I didn't understand without reading further into it.) Sanguine, while the general opposite of Phlegmatic, is his secondary characteristic, and it does temper his Phlegmatic-ness in some areas. It also can cause internal tension when we are combos of opposites.

DH definitely avoids conflict, but when he sees it's absolutely necessary, he will deliberately engage. Example: a man from church called me one day, and began to gossip. Now, I'm just fine talking to men (I'm the girl that always hung out with the boys, given the opportunity that felt safe), but it better be with witnesses or a written record (texting or email) that can be read by DH if necessary. If a man calls me, I want it to be all business, nothing more. Exceptions made for a couple childhood friends. So, DH came home one day to find me acting extremely uncomfortable, trying to politely get off the phone while this man gossiped away. DH wasn't happy. He went to church, confronted the man and told him to never call me again. The man promptly flipped out and made crazy allegations, but DH stuck to it. The man has messaged me a couple times since through Facebook, but he's never called me. We are ok with that.

I do understand that some of my frustrations I posted about last weekend stem from DHs basic personality. I also think that both of us need step outside our comfort zones to accommodate each other at times.

I am going to make one more observation. Did you notice the graphics they attached (on your first link) to each personality type? A grouchy, frowny face for Melancholy, an angry face for Choleric, a smile for Phlegmatic, and a laughing face for Sanguine? Back in academy (I attended Christian schools), the Bible teacher gave us personality tests, and discussed the characteristics of each at length for several class periods. Just like those graphics, I noticed the character traits listed for my personality (Choleric/Melancholy) were predominately negative, and not my view of a good Christian. I also noticed that the character traits of the Phlegmatic and Sanguine were predominately positive, and fit my view of a good Christian. Now, you can logically argue with that all you want, but my 16 yr old self buried that, and a lot of associated thoughts, deeply into my psyche. I have had antagonistic feelings about that personality test many times over the years since. You will find that most of my insecurities stem from those thoughts. You will also find that it has a direct correlation to why I view my DH with such deeply rosy, rose colored glasses - and why I chose to marry him in the first place. His core personality, to me, is what a Christian should be. And this related to why his use of porn was such an utter shock to me. (It's not that I don't recognize he's human, I do. I don't see him as my example, Jesus is. There's no worship going on. Just a deeply rooted stereotype. Btw, my dad is Phlegmatic too. When I had a paper to write in English 101 about my hero, guess who I chose?)

Did you have any other observations to make, Elevation? Of course anyone else is welcome as well!
"There, but for the grace of God, go I."

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Hiswifeagain
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Re: Pornography without Masturbation (and my story - its long)

Postby Hiswifeagain » Thu Apr 14, 2016 5:13 am

This might be helpful in seeing choleric and melancholy personalities differently.
http://jamesmacdonald.com/recently-prea ... sposition/


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Cayenne
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Personality, porn recovery, and expectations

Postby Cayenne » Fri Apr 15, 2016 12:34 pm

Contemplating the issue of how DH personality fits into the ideal porn recovery model (I totally made that up) some more.

As a basis for my questions, I made the following assumptions:
1. Barring Divine intervention, a person's personality is difficult, even for them, to alter in significant ways. Especially in a short time frame.
2. I cannot change my husband
3. My DH is solidly the phlegmatic personality

With these three points in mind, the only thing I can realistically do is pray, and try to adjust my reactions and my expectations.

If my expectations are currently impossible for him to meet, yet he is able to conquer porn in his life, I am going to be continually disappointed and he's going to feel I'm being unjustly suspicious. This doesn't seem reasonable when he's such a great guy in all other ways. It also seems detrimental to the goal of improved communication.

So my question would be.... In regards to my expectations of DHs compliance with the things we typically expect for porn recovery, what would be a reasonable adjustment of expectations for someone of this personality? Another, hopefully less confusing way to put it, what would be a good way to meet in the middle without compromising on the core issue?

I have this feeling I'm being overly complicated about something overly simplistic.
"There, but for the grace of God, go I."


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