My husbands request. How can I help?

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TheTigress
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My husbands request. How can I help?

Postby TheTigress » Thu Apr 14, 2016 10:20 pm

Okay so after meeting up with his accountability partner my husband asked for us to figure out how to make it where the wifi isn't available to him when he is home alone. He said there was a way he heard about with scheduling times for the router to turn off and on. Or just being able for me to turn it off when I go to sleep or leave. However after looking into our routers settings this doesn't seem possible with what we have. Does anyone know of how I can do this without just unplugging the whole thing and hiding it? I want to support my husband but I've been feeling like the best option for us is to cancel our home wifi and just access the internet when we go out to public places with our laptop. I personally have been struggling with wasting to much time on the internet anyway. My husband is worried though as he doesn't want me to not be able to facetime my family from our laptop if I need to while he is at work. I have some anxiety issues and my husband works overnight so it has been helpful to have the connection in the past but I can also just call them. The other issue is our External Hard drive uses wifi so we would need to get a different one and switch everything over (don't really have the cash for that right now). Anyway does anyone have some advice on how to go about this? I really don't know what the best answer is.
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Re: My husbands request. How can I help?

Postby Elevation » Fri Apr 15, 2016 8:15 am

This may help you, Tigress. :)

How to Set Time Schedule For Wireless Router: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMKAEkDFGl4

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Re: My husbands request. How can I help?

Postby hifromme67 » Fri Apr 15, 2016 8:27 am

Does he have access to computers at home? Cell phone internet?


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Re: My husbands request. How can I help?

Postby TheTigress » Fri Apr 15, 2016 8:45 am

I will look at the video thanks!

Yes we have a laptop, and an ipod at home. The ipod doesn't have any apps with internet (restrictions) and the laptop has covenant Eyes. We also have a Smart Tv and I think this is the biggest temptation for him because of the apps on it. (Youtube, internet browser) that we are unable to set up restrictions on. I do have OpenDns but that only helps the internet browser on the tv not the Youtube app. Although the youtube app wasn't working last I checked anyway. I'm sure he's figured out some workarounds just not sure what. He had me remove Twitter from the ipod because he figured out how to get to porn on it. We have Iphones but only the wifi on them and are about to sell them because we switched to flip phones. At this point in the journey I'm willing to give up anything to help including home wifi.
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Re: My husbands request. How can I help?

Postby Vanna » Fri Apr 15, 2016 10:13 am

I don't have the tech savvy to make suggestions. If it were me though, I'd kill the Internet access for a while. It's not forever, just until he gets his mental impulse patterns cleaned and properly reset and gets his triggers and underlying issues figured out so he can respond differently.

To me it's like saying, how can I lock up the bar tight enough that he won't be tempted to drink. No harm in switching to koolaid and tossing the bar. (Again- that's me.)

Afterward, when things are in a healthier place, you could both visit how much access you are comfortable bringing back in your home and marriage.

(Those who recall my plethora of posting on TMB a decade ago will not be too surprised to hear this-) But, I used to be badly addicted to the Internet. I was on endless forums. It started innocently enough with my online research for school. Then a couple school groups. Then more- parenting, marriage, social media. I told myself I was helping people- maybe I was some, but I was sleeping 4 hours a day. Setting timers to try to control it. I fasted it for weeks at a time to try getting a grasp, and within days I'd be back to obsessed. The low point was my joining the ranks of online gamers. I could no longer justify it. I had to pull the plug completely because I had no compulsion control.

Now we have Internet on our Iphone. It goes to work with hubby. Everyone in the house uses it, so even when he is home I only get a certain window- mostly late at night or weekends. I'm much better now. Plus- Typing on this keypad is such a pain, it helps restrict me by making it a chore. Lol. I have to really want to post on a topic to bother. ;)

Wow- that sounds so lame... Hi, I'm Vanna, and I had an Internet addiction. (Hi, Vanna... :wave )

Anyway. Know your hubby's limits. If he's hunting porn on twitter... Maybe cold turkey would help in the long run?
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: My husbands request. How can I help?

Postby hifromme67 » Fri Apr 15, 2016 1:01 pm

I deleted google app from his iphone and disable safari. I deleted Instagram and youtube. I set restrictions for websites just incase. We have computers at home he doesn't use and wouldn't even know how to access. He's very computer illiterate. All have passwords that he doesn't even know. Last week he wanted to google some car stuff so we did it together on my phone.

Delete all apps from ipod that would have any access to internet or don't leave ipod at home. Can you get rid of internet browser and youtube from smart tv?

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Re: My husbands request. How can I help?

Postby TheTigress » Fri Apr 15, 2016 5:30 pm

Vanna thanks so much for your input! We talked more today and decided to suspend home internet. We bought an external hard drive and I am working on moving everything over from our Wifi external hard drive (no way to use it without wifi) then we will call and cancel the service either tomorrow or Monday at the latest.

As for the smart tv hifromme it's one of the lower end smart tv's and does not have parental controls. We decided that if we want to keep the home wifi off for an very extended period of time we will sell the smart tv and buy a simple one.

Thanks for everyone's input. Porn makes life difficult but we are both determined to do whatever it takes to be healthy and whole. I'm so grateful for this community for so many reasons but just hearing a few ideas/opinions really did help me voice my concerns more easily to my husband so thanks for the support.

Here we go on the no wifi at home journey! Should make our down time much more productive! And our internet time much more intentional and planned out. Good things all around!
Together or not at all- Amy Pond

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Re: My husbands request. How can I help?

Postby velocity » Fri Apr 15, 2016 7:44 pm

If you have an iOS device and are willing to be the holder of the PIN, then the relatively new "Circle" device could be a godsend:

https://meetcircle.com

I have one and it is really cool. You just plug it into one of the wired network ports on your router, and then follow the relatively easy setup. You can control internet access on a device by device level (e.g., youtube is OK for your phone, but not for your husband's laptop). You can set "bedtimes" for the internet. Since it also connects wirelessly with your network and has a battery, it's not something your husband could just disconnect and then be free.

I have had far more complicated approaches to blocking internet access in the past, but this takes all of the complicated stuff out and makes it very simple.

Now if only my wife was willing to think of a PIN that I don't know and keep that away from me, things would be perfect.

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Re: My husbands request. How can I help?

Postby C_Brown » Fri Apr 15, 2016 9:32 pm

Most routers have a way to set them back to factory default settings. Nothing is foolproof.
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing -- Yvaine (in the movie Stardust)

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Re: My husbands request. How can I help?

Postby TheTigress » Sat Apr 16, 2016 9:20 pm

velocity wrote:If you have an iOS device and are willing to be the holder of the PIN, then the relatively new "Circle" device could be a godsend

That's really neat but we decided to shut down the internet at our house for awhile. Called and cancelled today. Should be off any minute now.
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Re: My husbands request. How can I help?

Postby Job29Man » Sun Apr 17, 2016 11:26 am

Tigress,

I admire your husband. He's a man who knows and admits his weakness; he's teachable too. He read the Scripture "If your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off. If your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out." Better to enter Heaven with one hand and one eye, than to have both and burn.

Good on him for asking for cold turkey. And good on you for agreeing to it and making it happen. Yay for you guys! :D
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: My husbands request. How can I help?

Postby doug-h » Sun Apr 17, 2016 4:11 pm

I am going to step into line here to applaud the actions you both are taking, his for doing what it takes to put it behind him, and I especially want to acknowledge that you are not only supporting his efforts, but also making personal sacrifices yourself, to help him. That says so much.

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Re: My husbands request. How can I help?

Postby TheTigress » Wed Apr 20, 2016 3:19 pm

Thank you all for your encouragement. Home wifi has been off for 3 days now.

I'm not sure if I should start a new thread or just ask on here. (not sure how to update the title with something like "new question" or "update")
Anyway since the internet cut out it's not that his sex drive increased just that he has been directing it all to me and not porn. Which of course is a good thing. It's also a little depressing to realize how many times a day he must have been viewing porn. :( I'm also feeling pressure to perform and I have a HD myself but nowhere near his (I'm an everyday or every other day at the least kinda gal) He's a multiple times a day kinda guy. I injured my back awhile back and have been going to Physical Therapy so I'm also physically limited in how much I can participate. We have been able to work up to PIV daily or every other day again but I definitely can't do multiple times a day. I did talk to my DH and let him know I was feeling pressured to participate and I think we worked out something. :idea: He said that he knows that because of my back and my lower drive that I'm not always gonna be up for PIV or even mutual masturbation but just to be honest about what I can do. He doesn't want to not ask when he thinks I will not be able to as he wants to express his desires and I agree I wouldn't want to stifle that because how would he know if I can go or not if he doesn't say anything. I'm hoping I can get it out of my head that this is pressure and just enjoy it when I can and be honest when I can't. I don't know if this is really a question or just a I need to share this with someone. I want to be there for my husband but I also don't want to feel used in place of porn. :?:

Any thoughts anyone? I will be online for a little bit longer today and I will probably be somewhere tomorrow that I can get on and check in.
Together or not at all- Amy Pond

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Re: My husbands request. How can I help?

Postby doug-h » Wed Apr 20, 2016 5:03 pm

I don't really have any advice, but as a former user, I can tell you that my experience mirrors your Husbands. After a few days, any time I saw DW nude or even semi nude, I was ready to go both physically and emotionally.

Chances are, it will level off a little bit and be more managable for you, but I would encourage you to try to keep up. I honestly felt like I could go any time I wanted to. Part of that was because I was working out of town at the time and only home for part of the weekend and I haven't MB since I got clean so physically, I needed it, but th real change was that I was really seeing her for the first time in years, and was just totally infatuated with her body.

There is likely something similar happening in your intimacy.

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Re: My husbands request. How can I help?

Postby Vanna » Wed Apr 20, 2016 8:37 pm

How is his recovery going? Is he in a good group and accountability situation?

As he works through the changes in his mental patterning, some of this will level out over time. He's not using you as a replacement, he is learning to shift his responses to where they belonged- but through recovery he'll learn what his triggers are and how to deal with those through outlets other than sexual endorphins.

What about you? Do you have some support through this transition? Does the area have a spouses group?

You guys are going through a bumpy transition phase, that's to be expected while you both readjust to a different normal. Part of that is also learning to be intimately honest without fear of reprisal- withdrawal, anger, passive aggressive backlash, etc.

Be patient with yourself and each other. Take it day by day, reset the "clock" each day, don't carry yesterday into today. Eventually the weird patches will all level out through talk and understanding and new coping skills, and you will both find a healthy balance together.

The first two weeks of breaking any addiction are intense. After a month, you'll both see things a lot differently.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: My husbands request. How can I help?

Postby TheTigress » Fri May 06, 2016 4:02 pm

He does have an accountability partner. He is the filter guardian for CE. He did some counseling last year but it fizzled out (wasn't super invested and didn't really feel comfortable with the counselor). Last week he said he wants to start counseling again and is much more open to the process. He has had some awesome moments of clarity the past two weeks of no internet at home. I'm so proud of him! Just little things like being able to give me the tablet my dad left at our house that had a wifi connection. He was also able to stop himself from searching for it after I hid it for the timeframe it had to be in the house. These small victories really showed me how badly we needed to just cut off the internet. Him realizing his own newfound clarity has been so awesome to see. He's been more open to hearing from the Lord and spending more time in the Word. Just so many positives have come out of this I am ecstatic. Hopefully we can find some affordable counseling for him to start soon. He wants to work through his FoO issues (emotional abuse, parents divorce, manipulative parents) just to name a few. I think his FoO issues are most likely one of his main roots to porn, as his usage started the year his parents separated. He brought this up to me and I was glad to hear he was starting to make this connection.

So the current recovery process is more like he is just starting.
Together or not at all- Amy Pond


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