What is he thinking?

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
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Posts: 83
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Mon Dec 19, 2016 10:24 am

Thank you all so much for your comments.
I do see this as an overall positive thing and a step in making what had always looked like a good marriage into an actual good marriage. It's just hard!
I am actually really relieved that I was not the only one unfaithful in our early awful years. I only recently understood how deeply the pain of my betrayal went with my dh and how much it's affected him since. It was the subject we never wanted to touch, so it's only a few weeks ago that we dug it up and he expressed his pain while I expressed my repentance. It was another really hard step that makes me anxious to show him love and grace during this step since I know how awful it feels to be the one who has caused the pain. Especially when it's in the past and can't be changed.
Dont be afraid of sounding mean, Doug, I need the things that you are saying. I've gone to type a couple times now in this post that I'm not keeping score, but then I realize that I really need to think on that a bit. I don't want to be keeping score. I don't plan to be keeping score. I realize that it's no useful to keep score. But when a fresh wave of hurt washes over me about this, I think I am in those moments even if I'm not the rest of the time. It will be a good thought to keep in mind to guard against.
SC and SD, thanks for the empathy. Even though I realize that this is all old stuff, and even though I'm thankful that he ultimately admitted to it when I pressed him when he would rather have lied, it feels fresh and new and painful. Even though I totally get why he hid these things and never wanted them to be found out, there's still a spark of pain over him allowing me to be the only bad guy all this time. It has all come out piece by piece while he's always denying that there is more, so I'm still thinking, "What's next." Since it's all past stuff, that doesn't really matter though, and probably piece by piece is easier to deal with than an avalanche!
We love each other. We are both committed to our marriage. His hiding things is as much about him protecting me as about protecting himself. He is glad that he got caught at the first step even though it's led to such hard revelations. I do think we will make it through this and come out stronger, but it hurts it hurts it hurts!!!!!!!!

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Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:11 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 20th, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby doug-h » Mon Dec 19, 2016 11:03 am


As much as it hurts now, you can overcome it. I think that it is important to know that you aren't alone in how you feel. As much as it seems that I don't get it, I have been exactly where you are now, and still find myself there on occasion.

Nothing to post,  except that I am struggling with resentment and unforgiveness today.

I don't understand how the only failures that have ever been mentioned in our marriage have been mine.  I don't understand how this hurt has never even been acknowledged, and I spend my days around my wife pretending it never happened, to protect her feelings, while leaving mine totally exposed.

Those are my words, my thoughts, written within the past year. That puts it about 20 years after the thing I wrote about took place. We are probably not so different as you might imagine, so I hope that gives my words some weight.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't grieve. Just don't let that blot out the good. You can't just "not feel" but you don't have to settle in and stay there.

FWIW, it sounds like you guys are making really great strides together.

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