What is he thinking?

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
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Dandelion_lawn
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What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Thu Jun 30, 2016 11:36 am

I'm hoping to get some insight into the male mind. My husband adores me. We have an amazing marriage and sex life. Yet yesterday, I noticed on his phone that he's been repeatedly visiting a site with scantily clad pictures. I expect that he will notice a pretty woman on the street or in a picture, but to me, it's a way different thing when he's seeking it out. On one hand, maybe if I could see into his brain, it's not a big deal? It's not porn. It's not cheating. Every single thing he does other than this speaks volumes of love for me and for the importance of our marriage to him.
As it is, I am completely broken and devastated. I don't want to harm my marriage by overreacting though. To me, it feels like a step towards unfaithfulness. I hate that I'm not enough for him. I am small breasted and of course the girls in these pictures are the opposite. I wonder now if he's picturing these other girls when he looks at me. I feel like if he's searched out pictures on purpose, I guess he's purposefully checking out the women he sees daily...not just noticing that they're pretty, but letting his mind wander to desire. I wouldn't have thought that of him before. I thought he loved me enough that he wouldn't really want to lust after another woman. Any thoughts?

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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Leah » Thu Jun 30, 2016 11:56 am

Have you all ever had a conversation about this before?
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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Drob » Thu Jun 30, 2016 11:58 am

Maybe he wants to spice things up a little but is uncomfortable talking to you about it. Only he knows what his motive is for looking, but a lot of guys do look. It doesn't mean he Lust's after them or thinks of them while ML to you. Don't freak out just talk to him. Just my opinion

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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby seeking perspective » Thu Jun 30, 2016 12:09 pm

Several years ago, my husband found himself drawn to those kinds of pictures before he was diagnosed with low testosterone. He was often concerned about being able to get and keep an erection with me, so he looked at the images. From what I was able to tell (through several conversations much later), he was looking at the pictures for two purposes: 1) to keep the pump primed, so to speak, and keep his arousibility level elevated, and 2) to test out his ability to have erections while he was alone so he didn't fail when he was with me. It was still wrong, and he should have been up front with me about his problem, but that's what was going on. Having pictures of me allowed him to accomplish his purposes in a less sinful way. It had nothing to do with whether or not he loved me and everything to do with fear of failing me as a man.

Is it possible that your husband is dealing with something similar?

Are you able to simply ask him why he had been looking at the pictures?
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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Thu Jun 30, 2016 12:32 pm

Leah, we have had a similar conversation to this many many years ago when he was looking at porn. He knows that I hate the thought of him lusting after other women, even in a picture. We will talk about this too, I just wanted to have some time to process my thoughts and have insight from these boards so that I'm not just a bunch of hurt emotions, but can see it from his pov too.
Drob, I don't get how looking at other women spices things up in a good way. Our bedroom has been pretty spicy and awesome anyways, that added to my surprise that he'd even feel a need to search out pictures of other women. Even if I could believe that he's not comparing me to them when we are together, it's super painful to think that he's lusting after them in the moment of looking, and maybe throughout the day as he carries the image in his head. Your advice to not freak out is good. I am hoping to get calmed down here on these boards before he comes home from work tonight.
SP, he doesn't seem to have low testosterone of erection problems yet. I will ask him why he is feeling the need to look.

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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Leah » Thu Jun 30, 2016 12:36 pm

Have the conversation. He may not know why he wants to go down that path. Having a conversation with you might reveal the reason, or he may see that he needs to be adding better support to his life.

Please try not to jump to conclusions until you have had the chat.
Leah

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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Drob » Thu Jun 30, 2016 12:56 pm

I'm a man and probably over simplify things, but when I buy lingerie for my wife I usually see it on a model in a picture first but, I don't think of the model when my wife is wearing it. Again I don't want to speculate on his motive, but advertising uses sex to sell everything from bowling balls to bubble gum, talk to him. Maybe you could send him some pictures of you? Another reason to talk is perspective. You might feel your sex life is awesome but he might not feel the same. Communication is key to everything

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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby doug-h » Thu Jun 30, 2016 1:12 pm

As a former user, I am going to chime in as to the title of.the thread?
There is no way to know what he is thinking, without asking him. It seems innocent enough, but it is probably as close to an edge as his conscience allows him to go. Be clear that you would like him to move that line. I had a similar conversation with my wife about calendars in my shop a few years ago. To be honest, they were pretty tame, and we're just swag from various vendors. At the same time, she would make comments about this cute race driver, or that country singer being hot. I would just recommend that you take a good look at your own behavior to see if there is anything you might want to address before talking to him. That isn't to say there is a problem, but it is worth mentioning.

In the end, regardless of his motive, or the rating of the pictures, if it bothers you, tell him so in a way that reaches him

I wouldn't worry too much about them being busty in the images. That is just the nature of them for the most part. He would have to really go out of his way to seek anything other than that, so it doesn't imply that he really searched these out. Likely, it originated as a link sent by a buddy, and curiosity took over. It certainly doesn't imply anything about your relationship except that maybe a conversation is in order.

One question that nobody has asked, is about the discovery. Was it covert, and you were looking for something. Were they concealed? If it was out in the open, then that would imply that he thought you would not be bothered, or that he didn't care what you think. Those are two very different scenarios, but based on your description, it seems the second is unlikely. Also, your description of "repeatedly" leaves a lot of room for interpretation.

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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby wyseguy » Thu Jun 30, 2016 1:40 pm

As an IT professional, there is a question that arises from this (and is derived from Hanlon's Razor - never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity).

Are the visits back to back (i.e. displayed one right after another) or are they spread out over a number of visits on multiple days?

The reason I ask this is that there are tons of sites out there (usually of the "25 hilarious..." sort) that bounce the user all over the place popping open new tabs (which you have to be actively monitoring a phone screen to even see) and visiting pages in rapid succession. Much of this is often triggered by tapping a button that looks like it takes you to the next image, but it really takes you to a disreputable ad. Aside from being incredibly annoying, they can easily generate a browser history that can be misleading.

I made this mistake just the other day. Saw an image for "25 hilarious auto-corrects" (auto-correct humor is a weakness of mine). Saw the intro image, then tapped the right arrow beneath it. By the time I got all the tabs closed, my history was a mess (including two visits to Ashley Madison, a well known cheating site).

Now, if the visits are spread over several days, then you're most likely looking at repeat traffic to the same site. However, even here it could be a tab was opened and just not closed and the browser was reopened.

I merely add that as some additional reasoning why you should resist the urge to jump to conclusions. Computers (and smartphones are computers) do as they're told and nothing more. The browser history gives you the "what", but talking with your husband is needed to determine the "why" (which is the question you're more interested in).

Talk with him. It might be that he wants a visual "jolt" and a pic or two of his bride (safely stored away of course) similarly scantily clad will do the trick. It also could be the start of getting back into pornography. In either case, talking to him about it is important. Nipping this in the bud will help him communicate his needs to you better or keep him from devolving back into pornography.

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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Thu Jun 30, 2016 2:00 pm

I was looking at his Facebook and noticed in the search bar that he'd done a recent search for this site that has scantily clad women paired with some crude jokes. I didn't think too much of it because he has lots of friends that regularly like, comment, and share that type of picture. (I've asked him to limit how much he sees of those friends' profiles since it makes me sad to think of him seeing those pictures all the time.) I just thought he'd searched for one picture that he'd seen on a friend's newsfeed or something and that was why it was in his search history. Wanting to assure myself that it was a one time thing, I opened his Facebook search history and could see the days where he had also searched this same site. It started sporadically about 6 months ago, increasing to almost daily this past month, sometimes two or three times per day.
Dh and I are both high drive. The past couple years has been a time of a lot of growth and adventure. I've recently lost a whole bunch of weight and grown more physically confident, dressing up more for him, etc. I don't want this to be a setback, but right now I can't think of how it won't be.
He already knew how I'd feel about him looking at half naked women, yet he did it anyways. I am so hurt and feel like I can't trust him. Like he only cared about getting caught, not about me. Part of me figures that maybe I should just accept that he's that way, that he's not the man I thought he was, and just put up with it. It's done now and can't be undone.

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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby doug-h » Thu Jun 30, 2016 2:15 pm

It's done now and can't be undone.


No, but it can be repented, forgiven, and put in the past.

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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Thu Jun 30, 2016 2:28 pm

Thanks Doug. That is so true.

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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby themrs » Thu Jun 30, 2016 2:50 pm

Ugh. I'm sorry Dandelion. Perhaps you can discuss it now and intervene before it becomes an even bigger issue.

Dough is right--it can't be undone but it can be repented. And he can be counseled (if need be) and steps taken to prevent it from happening again.

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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Shaddow93 » Fri Jul 01, 2016 5:15 am

No way you should put up with it. Sin is progressive and if its not addressed it will just keep getting worse. On top of that he might be masturbating to those pics he has been looking at. Just being real with you on that.

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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Job29Man » Fri Jul 01, 2016 5:40 am

wyseguy wrote:As an IT professional, there is a question that arises from this (and is derived from Hanlon's Razor - never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity).


Wyseguy,

This is absolutely brilliant! I can attest to the principle's accuracy in my own life (me being the stupid one) and in the lives of many men I have observed.

Dandelion Lawn,

You say this behavior started about 6 months ago. You also say that you have recently lost weight and are looking better. As a middle-aged man I definitely can see how there could be a link here.

Permit me please to speak in "Everyman" voice (even though I'm NOT every man).

I think that you upping your appearance has triggered something in hubby. I'll need to leave the explanation just that vague... "triggered something." A man's sexual desires, impulses and actions are mysterious. I find that wives (very understandably) crave to know WHY we men fantasize/desire/act/do some things we do. If you press us for an answer you may likely get a blank stare. "Huh? Why do I do that? Uh... I dunno." And it's TRUE... sometimes we can't give an explanation. We simply don't know. Is that acceptable? Not really. But the good news is, when you call me on misbehavior and my reason for it is "I dunno," then I find it pretty doggone easy to drop the misbehavior, probably because I don't have a really strong reason for doing it in the first place.

Question: Why do little boys (2-5 years old) seem fascinated by their penis and want to touch it, look at it, and even (non-masturbation) "play with it" like it is a toy or something?
Answer: I dunno. Because it is there?

Similar deal with husband looking at bikini babes. Why? Because they are there? (again, not an acceptable reason, but ... it's the the most accurate answer he can give).

Your husband may be looking at those images deliberately, but don't presume that it has anything to do with being dissatisfied with you, not desiring you, or even that he has a problem with porn or lust. His response may sincerely be "I dunno. I know I shouldn't, but... I dunno. I'll be happy to stop it immediately. I'm very sorry I did that."

Ask him. If this is his response, and you believe him, you would be wise to let it go, not be heartbroken, and check back up on him from time to time for accountability. Make an agreement with him that he not edit/delete his history.
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Drob » Fri Jul 01, 2016 7:52 am

Thanks Job29, it seems there is a impression that if a man takes a double take at a woman or looks at a half dressed or naked woman in a picture or a TV show that it will lead us down the road of porn and divorce. God made women beautiful to men so there is an attraction there to view his handy work. Thanks for sharing in your perspective.

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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Fri Jul 01, 2016 9:00 am

Thanks for the guy perspective. I can't like it or understand it, of course, but it makes more sense than the way I feel about it. This is a man clearly smitten, extremely expressive of his adoration who seems very attracted to me. He's very upset to have hurt me and regrets looking at the pictures. He never ogles other women in my presence or fails to compliment me. My thoughts that he hates the way I look, is unfulfilled by me, that he loves looking at these women more than at me, and doesn't really love me, don't fit the evidence as well as the male perspective does, that for some reason he can love me, but still like to look.
He agrees that looking at these pictures is a slippery slope, that the more he looked, the more he wanted to. He tried to explain how unimportant the women in the pictures are to him and that he never brought those images into our bed or even into his thoughts of me. I totally can't understand that, but I'll do my best to trust it.

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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby txtwindad » Fri Jul 01, 2016 9:05 am

I agree, Drob. Very good post Job. I've been thinking about how to say that and you did it nicely.

The issue isn't whether or not it is sinful for a man to look at bikini photos. Frankly, we have no way to know if it is sinful without being inside his head. The problem is with the wife's perception of what he is doing. Body issues and sexual insecurity are just so very common. Look at her reaction. She assumes she isn't good enough for him, etc. Without any knowledge of why he might be looking, her perception is that it is about her. So what do you do when a man's freedom to look at something may be in conflict with his wife's perception of what he is doing? The loving thing for the man to do is stop looking at these type of photos. But I think this is just a first step. The wife needs to be doing her part too. By having trying to learn a little bit of what Job mentioned in his post. By not assuming the worst in her husband. Understanding that noticing other women in no way indicates a dissatisfaction with her.

I am a very active art photography hobbyist. Artists have always realized the power of the human form, both male and female. As a man, I don't have the same visceral reaction to a naked male form as to a female. But that visceral reaction and appreciation is very different from lust. The partially clothed (or naked) female form is like poetry. The curve of a breast or hip, the play of shadows across the dips and valleys or the texture of skin and hair are moving at a level beyond words.

My point being that there are many reasons a man may look at photos like this. Yes, he may be like a young adolescent boy hiding in his bathroom with the Sears catalog underwear section. But there are many other reasons why he may be looking. And he may have no idea why. That is OK too. Just talk to him about it and discuss the situation calmly. Don't assume the worst.

I wrote this as you were posting the last Dandelion. It sounds like you are doing much of this already.
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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Fri Jul 01, 2016 9:57 am

I hate being in the middle of working through this though, especially since I can't manage to understand it. I'm looking forward to making love with him and feeling close and connected, but at the same time, I feel like I'll die of shame if he looks at my body. I can't imagine having his touch on my breasts when I think of all those perfect young breasts he's been looking at.

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Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Hiswifeagain » Fri Jul 01, 2016 10:05 am

What reason could justify the pain it causes his wife? Why should she try to get over it? Is he really going to suffer if he has to stop looking? There are many other ways to appreciate God's beautiful creations.


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