What is he thinking?

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 15987
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Leah » Fri Jul 22, 2016 5:48 pm

Sorry, folks. I have a full time job and I have just finished an intense 9-hour day.

Let me give a thumbnail sketch:

We never had a computer in our home for a long time. We actually did fine without one because we didn't need one. There was no such thing as a smart phone. Finally when our dd was taking some college courses, we needed a computer with internet. It was a useful tool, but it wasn't long before Jake got stressed about a major life issue and sought out porn. That was the beginning of a long spiral into marriage purgatory.

We were not a high sex couple. Jake pretty much controlled the frequency, and he got tired of the nagging about once a quarter. My sex drive is very consistent, and it was a struggle. Then I found the porn. I can't say I handled it well, but I chalk that up to a lot of naivete and a lot of bad teaching about submissive wives. I don't think there was a lot of literature on sex loving wives and husbands addicted to porn. Nobody believed it. My pastor said, "Leah, a man does not turn down sex with his wife. You must be doing something wrong."

***fast forward about two years***

I can't say I was doing anything wrong. I read all the books. I was sexy. I kept a very clean house. I cooked good meals. I was trim and well groomed. I was doing all the right things, yet my husband wanted the porn more than he wanted me. This really was not supposed to happen to Christian women. One day I pulled a good friend aside and said, "I need someone to look me in the eye and know what I'm going through." She listened and hugged me. She didn't offer any advice, but I got a clue that day about what a relief it was to tell the secret.

That went on for a long time. Years. Then I found TMB and people said, "Leah you will get through this. Get some help." I whined and talked and tried to jump through hoops and make it all right. "Leah, you won't get through this unless you get some help." I thought I knew better and kept talking and griping and whining. "Leah, we can't support you unless you get some help." It was a gentle, subtle way of saying I needed to get some help or accept my marriage as it was. It was time to stop talking and do something.

I stopped nagging Jake and the good people here and got some help. I went to an SAnon meeting. I participated in the readings, but I determined not to share for several weeks. One week the time felt right and I shared. I could see from the looks on people's faces that I was not alone in my experience and had come to the right place. I kept on going. I went to one or two meetings every week. I learned more and learned how to express myself in a healthy way. Then came Boundaries and a Boundaries group. And some counseling. I was really not seeing truth very well, but what I learned is that a lot of the pain I felt had very little to do with Jake or even my alcoholic dad. It had everything to do with my harsh, codependent mother. It came as quite a shock. Anyway, it took me about eighteen monts to get to the bottom of that before I began to heal. I was talking and processing in SAnon and Boundaries group. I was seeing how unhealthy I was. Slowly, I began to untangle the strings and I saw how to be my own separate self, how not to feel like I was a failure because of Jake's sin, and how to respond in a mature, healthy, adult way. That went on for about another eighteen months. I was fully immersed in healing.

One day I came home from work and went into the bathroom to clean up. On the counter was a wad of paper towels. The smell was unmistakable. I politely called Jake into the bathroom and said, "Jake, what is this?" I saw the look of bewilderment come over his face, and he responded with the same feigned innocence he used before. He tried to lie his way out of it. I lost it. "What is wrong with you? I have been a loving and faithful wife for nearly thirty years and this is what you do?" I was about to strip a gear. I backed him into the bedroom poking his chest. He fell back on the bed and we just stared at each other for a minute. Poking him in the chest, my voice barely audible, I said, "You have thirty days to talk to a counselor. If you don't, you will be talking to an attorney. I mean it." Then I turned on my heel and went to shower.

Jake decided I really meant it and we were sitting in a counselor's office within a week. I was not invited back to their sessions for about four months. Jake never talked to me about what he experienced in those sessions, but the truth took hold of him. It was still about another two years before things really turned around, but at some point in 2010, I wrote a couple of friends and I had to admit that something had really changed.

So now it is 2016 and life with Jake is good. We are not perfect people, but we talk to each other in healthy, adult ways.

The short version of what I learned during those years would be:

1. My life was unmanageable, and this was about the best thing I could learn. I was unhealthy, and I could not be healthy as long as I was codependent.

2. It was not my job to understand, figure out, or fix Jake. From the very tiny bit he shared with me, most of his angst had to do with his...wait for it....alcoholic father and codependent mother. This was something Jake needed to figure out on his own and understand before he could heal from it. He had no idea what his problem was. I was willing to understand and care about him, but he had to understand himself first. It was not anything I could fix.

3. I had a lot of growth and healing to do on my own. My counselor was a tiny, feminine woman. She would listen and then she would say, "Leah, back up to the thing you said about....." It was then I understood that the person who should be the obvious problem was not as big a problem as another person.

4. It is possible to go through a day and not obsess about what Jake was doing. It felt good the first time that happened. It felt better the next time it happened.

5. My husband has lost a lot of fear in the marriage bed, and I have gained a lot of trust. I used to think I was very generous because I did everything Jake wanted to do. I wasn't so generous, because I was holding back the trust I needed to do everything I wanted to do.

6. It is very important not to go postal when someone sins, but it is also very important to see it as sin sickness. It requires confession, repentance, and healing. Sin will never end as long as I give it too soft a place to land.

7. God sees the action and the heart. He reveals sin. One night at church (very big church where we hid well), the pastor was praying, and he said, "God is seeing a man who used pornography before he came to church." I could barely breathe. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the color drain from Jake's face. He climbed over the seat and went for prayer. Up until that point, Jake was a man who would never admit anything, and is generally unmoved by public worship. I think that was kind of the beginning of the end for porn in our marriage. It was still another year or so before he got serious about it, but there you go.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

User avatar
seeking perspective
Under the stars
Posts: 5540
Joined: Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:01 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 27th, 1991
Gender: Female
Location: between the Northwoods and the Great Plains and the Great Lakes
Contact:

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby seeking perspective » Sat Jul 23, 2016 8:54 am

Leah, I have immense respect for the work you have done to make change in your life. You did hard things, and you persisted through difficult situations. I read some of your early posts when I first came here, and it warms my heart to see you say that life with Jake is good.

My impression has been that your marriage had serious problems. I cried when I read your post about your piano. I was so angry for you. I can't imagine what that was like for you.

Not every marriage that sees pornography, however, includes all the difficult and long-term issues that you faced. Other marriages with pornography might do well with a different approach than what was necessary for you.

I see no one here saying that it is a wife's responsibility to pursue the truth of her husband's sin. What I do see is the observation that probing a bit to find out the truth can be helpful. This in no way negates the fact that it isn't her burden to do.

When I understand the reasons behind my husband's sins, I do a better job of encouraging him. I can pray in more specific ways for him. It is still on him to understand himself and seek his own healing.

Your journey certainly is a testament to perseverance and hard work. It isn't the only possible path for the spouse of a pornography user. I am so glad it is a path that has worked for you.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
The Forgiven Wife
and Sex Chat for Christian Wives

User avatar
Cayenne
Queen bed
Posts: 181
Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2016 4:02 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 23rd, 1996
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Cayenne » Sat Jul 23, 2016 11:33 am

Dandelion_lawn wrote:I don't think he's a compulsive liar. I think that this was a pleasurable sin that he wanted to keep...


My experience is with a man who otherwise has been a trustworthy, honest man. When I discussed the issue of porn in my husband's life with a friend of mine who is a sexual addictions counselor, she said that it is normal for addiction to lie to try to protect itself. Porn is a secret that exists in darkness and it will resist the light because the light would destroy it. She said that lies to protect addiction should not be considered on the same level as other kinds of lies, because it is the addiction speaking, not the man. Once the addiction is exposed to the light, the addiction will die... And the lies will go with it.
"There, but for the grace of God, go I."

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Sat Jul 23, 2016 11:45 am

Leah, what a lot you've had to go through. I'm so happy to hear that you're arriving in good places now.

I'm trying to banish wrong thoughts that arise from emotions run amok and to focus on dealing with what is true. I think these things are all true:

-years of lying. I feel like I don't know who he is or what he really thinks. I'm surprised he could lie so casually. I need to remember that this is essentially only one lie about one issue, it does not mean that other things he said are lies.

-all those hundreds...thousands? Of images of young, beautiful women. While I need to constantly remind myself that in his mind, they are separate from me and he wasn't comparing us, the truth remains that these images affected him. They stole intimacy from our marriage and trained his brain to seek further pleasure from images and did not give me opportunity to become his standard of beauty. I'm also horrified that he wasn't at all repulsed by the objectification and disrespect to the women on these kinds of sites.

-not caring how I feel. Although he had no idea the degree of pain I'd feel if I knew about what he was searching out, he did know that I wouldn't like it. My feelings were disregarded and worthless and unimportant compared to his wants and pleasure.

-fear that this will continue. His only motivation to stop is that getting caught was very unpleasant and caused me so much pain. Once I'm happy and normal again, what's to stop him from continuing and just hiding it better. I'd very much like him to also feel that this is wrong in itself, separate from me and my feelings.

-our marriage was closer and more intimate than ever before. I was putting in so much work losing weight and exercising and opening up so much more in our mb. Yet he had no thought of changing his behaviour, no conviction. I'm trying to understand that men keep these things separately in their minds, but as a woman, I can't understand him ogling another woman's picture in the bathroom in the morning, then coming out to give me a big hug and kiss and tell me he loves me. It seems cold hearted and like his words are empty and meaningless.

So those are the things I'm trying to work through. I'm feeling fairly positive today.

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 15987
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Leah » Sat Jul 23, 2016 2:07 pm

DL, it's possible your husband doesn't know why he does what he does. There is a certain amount of self-deception in the human heart. The Bible says so. If you find a group that will support you, it is likely you will gain new insight into addiction and how it affects you and you may be able to address some things a little more clearly.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Sat Jul 23, 2016 2:18 pm

I've connected with an older lady who has gone through this in her own marriage 30 years ago. She loves my husband and won't think less of him through this, and I can count on her discretion. Such a good feeling to share this burden. I can almost feel physically relieved of some of the load.

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 15987
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Leah » Sat Jul 23, 2016 3:52 pm

Good for you. It helps to have people around who have your best interests at heart.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Mon Aug 01, 2016 3:17 pm

I feel like I'm never going to get over this. There is slight physical improvement, I can eat and sleep and my stomach isn't in constant pain, but emotionally, I think it hurts more the more I think about it, and not thinking about it isn't an option. I try not to, but it's like a tongue going to a wiggly tooth, I can't help it.
All of his compliments seem insincere to me now that I've seen pictures of what he prefers to look at. I can understand being attracted and having a temptation to look, but to be on these sites several times a day, every day, disgusts me so much and makes me disrespect him as a person so much.
Why did God make men with such a strong visual lust for youth and variety, and make women with hearts that break when their men's eyes and minds stray. I hate this constant pain and loss and disappointment. ::bh
Last edited by Dandelion_lawn on Fri Aug 26, 2016 12:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Cayenne
Queen bed
Posts: 181
Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2016 4:02 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 23rd, 1996
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Cayenne » Mon Aug 01, 2016 4:12 pm

I've been told it can take 1-3 years to get over this, with most people on the longer end of that estimate. I know I'm almost 10 months out from the discovery. The days are usually better the further we get along, but I still have a really rough day or two maybe once a week. I'm left with a question I don't think there is any answer that my emotions can accept. Typed out it loses most the effect since it's all in the intonation... But it goes like this.... "REALLY?"

I've been told eventually things get better. Eventually we won't go here in our minds anymore. I don't know how long that takes. I try not to think about specifics very often. I don't have to, though, to just feel overwhelmed with hurt and a sense of loss/devastation. This wasn't supposed to happen to us. I could not defend that rationally, it's just how I feel. I'm supposed to be in a happy place, my 40s. The years where I'm supposed to have got it together and be actively enjoying life before the years come when my body can't keep up anymore... And here I am locked down in depression so much of the time all I do for fun most days is try to catch up from the days I couldn't get anything done.

I'm not much help, DL. I just can relate.
"There, but for the grace of God, go I."

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Mon Aug 01, 2016 4:25 pm

Thank you Cayenne, it is helpful to have someone relate since I feel half crazy for feeling this so strongly. After all, it was "just pictures" as my poor husband tries to explain again and again. It was porn use also, which is also devastating to me, but I think for me the worst is the constant searching out of the pictures. I can't get over the frequency. Porn, I can at least understand, though I despise it, I can understand the huge endorphin rush and excitement. But I can't understand the constant pictures other than dissatisfaction, and a desire for something that he doesn't have in me. I remember being young and having 40-something year old guys gawking at me. I thought they were the most pathetic, repulsive, disgusting things in the world. How is my husband, locked in the bathroom lusting over these images of young girls any different? It's so vile to me that he doesn't think there was anything wrong with it.
I'm trying to be comforted that at least now that he understands how much it hurts me, he intends to never search out that type of picture again. But if he had never been caught, he never would have stopped. Nothing about it felt inappropriate or made him feel guilty. I just feel like I thought way way too highly of him before. My highest hopes for my marriage now are so much lower than what I thought I had.

User avatar
Cayenne
Queen bed
Posts: 181
Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2016 4:02 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 23rd, 1996
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Cayenne » Mon Aug 01, 2016 4:38 pm

In contrast to your husband, mine knew it was wrong, felt guilty, and did it anyway. I don't think either way is better... The questions we are left with are a little different, but the pain is the same.
"There, but for the grace of God, go I."

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Fri Aug 26, 2016 1:38 pm

It's nearing two months since all of this began. My dh is surprised that I'm not over it yet. He feels it's unfair and that he's being over-punished for something that meant so little to him and is not an addiction. He gets mad when I tell him it feels like a step towards cheating. He keeps saying that he's not going to look at these sites anymore, so there's nothing else he can do.

I not trying to punish him. I'm definitely not acting mean or angry. Our sex life is still great. I'm just so sad. I feel so betrayed. I don't want to open myself up to being hurt again. I wish I could stop dwelling on this, and that I could trust him to not look. I don't even feel like I know him, or know what our marriage is really like. The marriage and dh that I valued so much was all in my imagination.

Counselling isn't really an option. Will time heal this wound? Do I just "let go and let God"?

As unfair as he finds this, I find it just as unfair that this is his fault, yet I'm the one who has to deal with it while he grows impatient.

Job, give me another lecture...I know I need to get over this before I damage my marriage further.

User avatar
seeking perspective
Under the stars
Posts: 5540
Joined: Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:01 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 27th, 1991
Gender: Female
Location: between the Northwoods and the Great Plains and the Great Lakes
Contact:

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby seeking perspective » Fri Aug 26, 2016 2:10 pm

It is okay that you still feel hurt. Your husband telling you that you shouldn't feel that way likely makes it even worse for you. It will take you however long it takes you. Ask him to pray every day for the pain to lessen for you. The fact that he doesn't understand the pain makes it no less real.

What are you doing to actively pursue healing for your heart? Even if you aren't able to get counseling right now, consider whether pastoral counsel would be helpful. There are books and blogs specifically to help women deal with a husband's porn use. What are you reading? Because you feel it is a step toward cheating, you might even look at some resources that help women heal from a husband's infidelity. These kinds of resources will give you helpful bible verses and will give you tools for working through some of this. Most important, how are you praying about this?

Although sometimes time heals, at other times it just covers up the deep wounds and they fester, unhealed. Pursuing healing for yourself now is a good thing for you to do for yourself.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
The Forgiven Wife
and Sex Chat for Christian Wives

User avatar
Vanna
King bed
Posts: 746
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2016 4:40 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 20th, 1994
Gender: Female
Location: Texas

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Vanna » Fri Aug 26, 2016 10:03 pm

Maybe you can explain it like this- When someone rubs poison ivy all over you, it's going to itch until it goes away, and if the rash is bad enough, you can get a secondary infection that makes healing take longer. Emotional pain is like that when hearts feel betrayed.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

hifromme67
Queen bed
Posts: 205
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2016 9:32 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 22nd, 1986
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby hifromme67 » Sun Aug 28, 2016 5:21 am

Believe me, he is not going to stop looking simply because he says he is. Especially if he has done it for years. You need joint counseling and he needs individual therapy to figure out the whys. And no you don't need to "get over it" because you haven't done anything to the marriage. Don't blame yourself.

doug-h
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1293
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:11 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 20th, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby doug-h » Sun Aug 28, 2016 3:14 pm

I agree with the others. You are not going to "get over it", but you can and should work thru it. What that looks like is very much an individual thing, and there is not a time line that you can place on it. It takes however long that it takes.

I don't know that it is good for either of you , for you to be as out in the open as you are. It doesn't mean that he gets a free pass, but there probably becomes a point where that becomes detrimental. I know others might see things differently.

That said, I don't think you should have to bear it alone. You need support as you work thru it, to help you progress, and also to hold you accountable that you are indeed trying to work thru it instead of staying where you are now.

I wish there was an easy answer, but the truth is that while you will get a lot of advice from a lot of people, you have to tailor that to yourself and your situation. It seems to me that you are really trying to do all the right things, and believe me, I know how it feels when you do that and relief still seems distant. It can be terribly discouraging.

Stay in the fight, keep doing what is right, and you will get thru this.

Praying for you both.

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Mon Aug 29, 2016 11:26 am

Thanks, I've decided that as far as I am able, I'm going to stop thinking about the past, stop reading "how to heal your marriage after porn" and "how porn affects your brain" type articles, and just focus on what my marriage looks like right now. Not because those articles are bad,but I think they hold me in the past and keep me feeling the painful feelings. It helps me to see all of the good things my dh is trying to do to express his love and hopefully avoid falling into the deep pit of, "he obviously doesn't love me, or he'd never have done this."

He's done his best to explain his feelings/reasons for why he didn't think his porn use was a big deal, as well as how he felt that the scantily clad pictures were a good compromise. He also seems to understand, as much as he is able, why I feel so differently about it and why it hurts me so much. He is actually glad that I caught him, and that he's stopped.

He's very much a the typical stereotype man when it comes to verbally expressing himself, so there are things that I wonder, that he just can't explain. If any of you men, or women who can understand these things better than me could attempt to explain these things that I still wonder, I'd appreciate it.

*While I kind of get the compartmentalization thing, I still don't get how my husband could constantly seek out pictures of naked/near naked women, lie about it and hide it, yet still love me. I get that he felt it didn't affect me, but could he really do this, yet love and respect me at the same time?

*I get that most men don't equate porn with cheating, and I don't think it's as serious as if he'd had a relationship with an actual woman, but I think it's very similar to getting a hj from a prostitute or something. In some ways, worse...it would have to be from a prostitute whose body he had ogled and found super beautiful and enticing, not just a prostitute he'd sought out for release. Why and how do men feel that porn and cheating are not at all the same?

*My dh has always felt that it's wrong for him to look lustfully at another woman, (for which I'm grateful), but not to look lustfully at a sexy woman's picture. To me, it's still another woman's body, either way. He obviously has the same feelings of lust and desire over a picture as he would over a real woman on the beach who was dressed the same, so why is it different in his mind?

I might never understand these things, but I thought that if I could, it might help me to put the past to rest as I'd like to.

sunny-dee
Queen bed
Posts: 105
Joined: Mon May 16, 2016 11:32 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 21st, 2013
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby sunny-dee » Mon Aug 29, 2016 1:33 pm

Dandelion_lawn wrote:*My dh has always felt that it's wrong for him to look lustfully at another woman, (for which I'm grateful), but not to look lustfully at a sexy woman's picture. To me, it's still another woman's body, either way. He obviously has the same feelings of lust and desire over a picture as he would over a real woman on the beach who was dressed the same, so why is it different in his mind?


I'm not a guy, so I can't answer most of these, but I can tell you one thing my DH said when I found out about his porn use. He told me it was way different than fantasizing about one of his exes or someone he knew because it was only fantasy -- there was no chance of it ever being real. Therefore, it was "better" than thinking about real women where there was a chance of acting on it.

Now from my perspective (and I think yours?), it's not that big a difference, because it affects how my DH looks at me and it's the same whether he's masturbating to porn or to the memory of an ex or to a fantasy about a coworker, because he's going to everyone but me for sexual desire. But since porn is all fake, he looks at it like there's a lot more distance there.

User avatar
OldBear
King bed
Posts: 702
Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2008 5:58 pm

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby OldBear » Mon Aug 29, 2016 2:16 pm

Dandelion_lawn wrote:My dh has always felt that it's wrong for him to look lustfully at another woman, (for which I'm grateful), but not to look lustfully at a sexy woman's picture. To me, it's still another woman's body, either way. He obviously has the same feelings of lust and desire over a picture as he would over a real woman on the beach who was dressed the same, so why is it different in his mind?


Your DH's thinking is not right, to answer your OP question. It is unequivocally wrong to lust after another woman. If photos/videos been around in Jesus's day, he would have clarified (although it needs no clarification) that, 'I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman [in the flesh or a representation of the flesh] lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.' Mt. 5:28 (NIV) includes any and all forms of a woman - physically and pictorially and videographically and perhaps someday holographically. Why did Jesus specifically call out this sin? Because he knew that men are particularly sexual stimulated visually. He is also taking this sin matter to the lowest common denominator of 'looking with lust.' Acting on that lust - engaging in a sex act in any manner from touching sexually to masturbation - is obviously a sin.

Your DH is engaging in one of the most powerful weapons in Satan's arsenal - rationalization. Moreover he is either dulled to the hurt and dishonor he brings upon you or he is engaging in an effort to convince you to accept his behavior as not sin and normative. His thinking is not right.

Many have offered sound suggestions on this thread. There is no gentle way to put it. He needs help; you cannot co-depend with him this matter. Leah shared her story - take a 'page' from her story and make it clear that he must think right.

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Mon Aug 29, 2016 3:24 pm

I should have clarified. These aren't ways that my dh thinks now. When he was doing this, he had no idea how much I'd be hurt, he just thought I'd be angry with him. Now that he sees my hurt, he's struggled to understand why I feel the way I do and is beginning to change his thinking. He is no longer engaged in this behaviour and is not trying to justify himself.

My questions are An attempt to tie up loose ends about things that I can't understand about his past thinking/justifying/motivations that he's tried unsuccessfully to explain to me. I thought that if anyone was capable of explaining them to me, it might help me to put all of those thoughts and questions behind me with the rest of my the past and move forward. As it is, I get stuck thinking that our marriage was all a big lie, and that dh never loved or respected me. I know that's wrong, but the answers to these questions will help me fight those thoughts.


Return to “Pornography”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users