What is he thinking?

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5206
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby SeekingChange » Thu Jul 21, 2016 1:43 pm

Dandelion_lawn wrote:I get the reasons behind the lies. If you want to keep doing something, you can't be honest and still get to continue. It bugs me that he's stopped now only because he got caught and in trouble. I hope it's genuine.

This could be what is going on, but I have dealt with lies, secrets and deception. A huge reason my husband felt like he couldn't be open and honest, was he believed I would leave him. He thought better to keep secrets than lose me. Could your husband have some of those same fears?
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

hifromme67
Queen bed
Posts: 205
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2016 9:32 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 22nd, 1986
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby hifromme67 » Thu Jul 21, 2016 2:02 pm

Believe me, just because he says he will stop, that won't be the case. It takes more than "okay I'll stop." He's been doing it for over 15 years and it isn't going to stop overnight unless there is some professional help.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Thu Jul 21, 2016 2:05 pm

He says he'd always resented that I made him stop looking at porn. He didn't understand (even though I told him) that it hurt me, just thought it made me angry and made me feel like he was comparing my body to theirs, which he feels he wasn't doing. So that's kind of how he justified it. Now that I'm so devastated and broken, he says he regrets it, and that if he'd known how much it would hurt me, he'd never have done it.
I've asked him to confide in me or somebody if he feels tempted or slips again rather than hiding it. He's agreed, but what else can he do?

doug-h
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1293
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:11 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 20th, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby doug-h » Thu Jul 21, 2016 2:27 pm

hifromme67 wrote:He's been doing it for over 15 years and it isn't going to stop overnight unless there is some professional help.

That is a good position to assume going forward, but it isn't necessarily true. Even 15 years of lies proves nothing. The lies, as SC pointed out, could be based in fear, as well as selfishness. Shame also plays a huge part in it for some. I know it did for me.

There isn't a one size fits all scenario, that covers everything, but some of the more important things are true repentance, knowing at least partly what your triggers have been in the past, and avoiding them, accountability, either formal or informal, and eliminating opportunity, and believing that your can do it.. None of those things require professional intervention. Some might benefit from intervention, but I believe those things, carried thru 6 months or so, and developing positive alternatives, can help a man find long term freedom. That isn't to say all temptation is forever eliminated. It just mean's that you have the tools to.succed. Not even professional help can eliminate temptation.

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 15987
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Leah » Thu Jul 21, 2016 2:42 pm

A lie is a lie, no matter what the motivation.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

doug-h
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1293
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:11 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 20th, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby doug-h » Thu Jul 21, 2016 7:28 pm

Leah wrote:A lie is a lie, no matter what the motivation.


I am not arguing the contrary, but not seeking the whole truth is just another sort of lie. If there are things that need to be addressed in moving forward, it does no good to dismiss them as unimportant. If a more thorough understanding and better communication now, can help to ensure that failures of the past are not repeated, then it is worth the effort to put it on the table.

Here is the thing. we all lie, and often the motivation is selfish, sometimes it is to protect the feelings of others, and sometimes it is to hide your own heart from the truth. Those are all lies, but there is a big difference between when someone asks how you are doing, and you respond that everything is fine, even tho you don't feel that way, and a malicious lie to gain advantage, or a lie to conceal a weakness or failure. Yes they all fall short of the truth, but to say that they are all the same, well, that doesn't wash.

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 15987
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Leah » Thu Jul 21, 2016 10:55 pm

Liars lie. If they need to address something, great. Start with telling the truth. The spouse of a liar should not be expected to read the mind of a liar.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

doug-h
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1293
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:11 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 20th, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby doug-h » Fri Jul 22, 2016 3:58 am

Leah, have I done something to offend you? Did DL's husband or SC's husband do something?

Your remarks edge very close to attacks. They certainly aren't intended to be beneficial in any way that I can see. I'm not 7 year old school boy caught stealing money from my mother's purse, and I won't be spoken to that way. My past sins are covered, and they have been confessed, repented, and forgiven by both Jesus Christ and my wife.

I don't know where that vitriol is rooted, but I am sorry for whatever it was. If I have done something to offend you, then please let me know, and I will apologize.

jon
Twin size
Posts: 11
Joined: Wed Nov 05, 2014 10:47 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 1st, 2003
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby jon » Fri Jul 22, 2016 6:23 am

Leah wrote:Liars lie. If they need to address something, great. Start with telling the truth. The spouse of a liar should not be expected to read the mind of a liar.

True enough. But to continue a relationship you would need to understand why the liar did what he/she did

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 15987
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Leah » Fri Jul 22, 2016 6:31 am

The liar is the one obfuscating the truth. Are you not seeing the logical fail of trying to get truth out of a liar until s/he decides to quit lying?
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 15987
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Leah » Fri Jul 22, 2016 6:36 am

Dandelion_lawn wrote:He says he'd always resented that I made him stop looking at porn. He didn't understand (even though I told him) that it hurt me, just thought it made me angry and made me feel like he was comparing my body to theirs, which he feels he wasn't doing. So that's kind of how he justified it. Now that I'm so devastated and broken, he says he regrets it, and that if he'd known how much it would hurt me, he'd never have done it.
I've asked him to confide in me or somebody if he feels tempted or slips again rather than hiding it. He's agreed, but what else can he do?



Don't let him put words in your mouth. You all need to be getting some outside support. I don't think a wife should be the primary accoutability. He needs to be developing some outside support and so do you. Carrying this around alone is just too much.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

User avatar
seeking perspective
Under the stars
Posts: 5540
Joined: Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:01 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 27th, 1991
Gender: Female
Location: between the Northwoods and the Great Plains and the Great Lakes
Contact:

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby seeking perspective » Fri Jul 22, 2016 6:44 am

Leah wrote:The liar is the one obfuscating the truth. Are you not seeing the logical fail of trying to get truth out of a liar until s/he decides to quit lying?


Understanding the why can help us help the liar quit lying. Now, when my husband lies to me, it is not my responsibility to get the truth out of him or to make it easier for him to make the right decision to stop lying.It is ultimately on him, and I no matter what I do or don't do, it's still his decision whether to stop lying or not.

However, if my husband is lying and it is causing me distress and I want to see if there's anything I can do to encourage him to change that, understanding the reason behind his lies gives me a better starting point than calling him a liar.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
The Forgiven Wife
and Sex Chat for Christian Wives

jon
Twin size
Posts: 11
Joined: Wed Nov 05, 2014 10:47 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 1st, 2003
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby jon » Fri Jul 22, 2016 6:55 am

Leah wrote:The liar is the one obfuscating the truth. Are you not seeing the logical fail of trying to get truth out of a liar until s/he decides to quit lying?

Well if that is your approach the only logical thing would be to say you're a liar so I'm leaving you. End of problem.
If you want to stay with the person you would need to understand why somebody lies to you

User avatar
2pack
King bed
Posts: 635
Joined: Thu Oct 24, 2013 10:46 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 9th, 1998
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby 2pack » Fri Jul 22, 2016 7:39 am

Dlawn,
I have been following this and my heart really goes out to you. It is a shame that you are having to carry this burden. A couple things...
Dandelion_lawn wrote:Another thing bugging me is likely not even an issue. When I looked through his history on his phone, it showed that he'd opened up a fb picture of a busty young lady in a tiny shirt. It was not a men's site type pic, just a friend of a friend who showed up on his newsfeed. Normally, I wouldn't think much, she's pretty and he clicked on her pic for a closer look, and possibly to see if she had any other cute pics in her profile. But given the circumstances that he's already caused me pain by looking at fb pics, shouldn't he be avoiding all that type of clicking for now if he's truly repentant? I do think I'm overreacting. She was cute, if she walked past him on the street, I'd expect his eyes to notice her.

This IS an issue and you are not overreacting, you're trying to minimize. As much as you may not be able to understand - this has nothing to do with you or being compared to other women or you not being enough or him finding other women than you more attractive than you.
I don't know if it is an addiction problem or the root of it or whatever, but it is a self control/self discipline issue on his part. Some women are attractive, men like to look. There is a line where that's fine and that line that gets crossed. He's crossed it but it has nothing to do with you - try not to put that on yourself.
Dandelion_lawn wrote:He says he'd always resented that I made him stop looking at porn.

I found this particularly bothersome. I had asked early in this thread if he is a committed walking christian but you didn't respond. Is he? Does he see this as outside of God's design?
I'm a moth flyin' into the light of it's doom - You wrap me up in your love cocoon...

doug-h
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1293
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:11 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 20th, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby doug-h » Fri Jul 22, 2016 8:22 am

Leah wrote:
Dandelion_lawn wrote:I've asked him to confide in me or somebody if he feels tempted or slips again rather than hiding it. He's agreed, but what else can he do?



Don't let him put words in your mouth. You all need to be getting some outside support. I don't think a wife should be the primary accoutability. He needs to be developing some outside support and so do you. Carrying this around alone is just too much.


I agree that you should not be his accountability. Your efforts should be focused on healing yourself. It would be best if you were both seeking some outside support, as Leah has stated. There are many different programs out there to help both of you move forward.
I have been in Celebrate Recovery myself, and I wouldn't hesitate to recommend it to anyone.
TMB can be a good resource for you, but it does not have the same value as a face to face program or mentorship, so I also recommend that you enter into some sort of real life support.

You stated that your husband has agreed to accountability, but an agreement is pretty much useless without followup. I am offering myself to fill that role for him, until he finds a more permenant face to face mentorship. Please pass that offer on to your husband. If he accepts, let me know and I will make my contact information available.

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Fri Jul 22, 2016 9:12 am

Thanks Doug, I'll discuss it with him. I have been wondering who he might be able to have for accountability. Our most recent pastor has left on stress leave, and the one before that cheated on his wife and left town with the woman. We are currently visiting churches trying to find a church home.
2pack, I've been thinking how to answer your question. In a lot of ways, I'd answer that he is a committed Christian. He is the first guy to get his hammer or his wallet if he sees a need. He does free work for widows or poor people. He buys meals for homeless people. But, although he listens in church, he doesn't seek out the bible for himself, so in that way, I guess I'd say he's not. I kind of think that he might not find his actions sinful. He very very much regrets that he hurt me so much, but I think that might be it. I was really surprised when he said the thing about resenting me for making him stop looking at porn. I know that when he initially agreed to stop looking, he was not a Christian, and he only stopped because I was so upset. But a few years afterwards, when he became a Christian, he came to me and said that he saw now that porn was wrong and that he'd been wrong to expect me to tolerate it. I had always assumed that his new way of thinking was the way he continued to think.
Awhile ago, I had read Paul Byerly's "Signal to Noise Ratio" article to him because I loved it so much. He totally didn't receive it how I thought he would and he didn't like the article at all. He didn't have much to say to me to explain what he disliked, but he seemed to disagree with the whole thing.
I'm trying not to nitpick everything he says, but he says things like "I'm sorry that you feel like I betrayed you." rather than just "I'm sorry that I betrayed you." And something similar, I can't remember how he said it, but it gave me the impression that he wasn't actually admitting to being dishonest, just to appearing dishonest.

User avatar
Job29Man
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Posts: 8029
Joined: Wed Jul 26, 2006 3:52 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 2nd, 1980
Gender: Male
Location: Hobby Farm, USA

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Job29Man » Fri Jul 22, 2016 9:40 am

Dandelion_lawn wrote:...In a lot of ways, I'd answer that he is a committed Christian. He is the first guy to get his hammer or his wallet if he sees a need. He does free work for widows or poor people. He buys meals for homeless people. But, although he listens in church, he doesn't seek out the bible for himself, so in that way, I guess I'd say he's not. ...

...I'm trying not to nitpick everything he says, but he says things like "I'm sorry that you feel like I betrayed you." rather than just "I'm sorry that I betrayed you." And something similar, I can't remember how he said it, but it gave me the impression that he wasn't actually admitting to being dishonest, just to appearing dishonest.


Dandelion,

Only God and your husband know the truth of his heart, but the profile you describe for him, and your words "committed Christian ... I'd say he's not" tell that you are not convinced. Which of these two guys does he sound like?

"Good Guy"-- lives a basically clean and moral life. Will give you the shirt off his back. Is loyal to his friends, charitable to strangers and those in need, and will defend the weak. He's a gentleman, who will be gallant and protective. But his code is mainly about "don't hurt others, be kind to all." This fits well into the Christian belief system, but it is not THE Christian creed. Being harmless, helpful, kind, and charitable is not what saves us. He may say "I believe in my heart that Jesus is Lord" but that does not save either. When you look closely he doesn't seem wholeheartedly converted to live for Christ, with a regenerated heart, born-again of the Spirit.

"Committed Christian"-- is sincerely committed to FAITH in Christ, AND OBEDIENCE to Christ. He wants to become like Christ. He longs to please God, loves God's word (the Bible), he loves God's people (the Church). He wants to know what sin is, and then he wants to avoid sin at all cost. A committed Christian hates sin. When you look closely he DOES seem wholeheartedly converted to live for Christ, with a regenerated heart, born-again of the Spirit.
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 15987
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Leah » Fri Jul 22, 2016 10:08 am

The burden should not be on the wife (in this case) to do all the probing for truth. If the husband continues to lie, stop talking. Insanity is repeating the same action over and over hoping for a different result. If he's not telling the truth about his porn, then stop talking about it to him. Find a group and talk to the group. There is insight in truth.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Fri Jul 22, 2016 11:04 am

Yes, I think finding outside help will be useful, but I think it's still useful to talk things out with him as well. I don't think he's a compulsive liar. I think that this was a pleasurable sin that he wanted to keep, that he didn't think was harmful to either of us as long as I didn't know about it. I've talked to him about the effects of porn on the brain and showed him statistics etc, and he really doesn't think it hurts in small quantities and is convinced that these guys who have issues from porn use must be very compulsive or are watching really terrible things. I don't think that he knows/cares/believes? that it is a sin against God.
I'm not excusing his thinking or his lying. I think it's very wrong and surprising and terrible. I guess I'm hoping that now that this is out in the open and we can discuss it more that he will start to see some of his wrong thinking and that he can be motivated by that as well as by desire to not hurt me or harm our marriage.

doug-h
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1293
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:11 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 20th, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby doug-h » Fri Jul 22, 2016 12:35 pm

DL,

I think what you described is likely pretty accurate. I don't say that to excuse his actions, but to just place them in perspective. What one person considers a terrible betrayal most likely is not intended that way. That doesn't make it right, but may well help to ease the sting both directions as long as it is communicated. I would guess that based on your husbands beliefs that in small quantities it isn't harmful, that he likely was not immersed in it to the point it seriously effected him psycologically. I would also guess that if you never saw any evidence (time spent alone, deleted histories, acting out) aside from his history, that it likely was not ruling him in the sense of a full blown addiction. Like any sin, it can have various degrees of control over our lives. My stepdad was an alcoholic, but had enough control that it never showed outside a small circle. No-one else saw it, because it didn't rule him entirely. That isn't to say that it was a good thing, just that he functioned normally most of the time.

I know that it can be difficult to see beyond the faults, but I am encouraged that you speak so highly of him in other arenas of his life. It is important to remember that we are all the sum total of our good and bad, not just the most hurtful thing you ever did.

I will keep both of you in my prayers.


Return to “Pornography”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users