What is he thinking?

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
User avatar
txtwindad
Under the stars
Posts: 4078
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:29 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 13th, 1983
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby txtwindad » Mon Jul 18, 2016 7:44 am

I just wanted to clarify something. It was not until far down on the second page when DDlion mentioned that her husband was masturbating to these images. That revelation really changes everything. The discussion early on in this thread is really made moot by him masturbating to the images. These images are clearly porn to him based on how he used them. Still there is no reason to think he was in anyway dissatisfied with you because he was doing this.

There are a myriad of reasons that guys turn to porn. Rarely is it because they don't find their wife attractive or are dissatisfied with her.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

Shaddow93
Queen bed
Posts: 120
Joined: Wed Nov 11, 2015 7:59 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 5th, 1999
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Shaddow93 » Mon Jul 18, 2016 8:26 am

Its just an addiction to porn. The more you look at it the more you want it. Sin is progressive.

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Mon Jul 18, 2016 8:43 am

Yeah, it wasn't until talking more with my dh that I realized that not only was he masturbating to the pictures, but that it had been going on for longer and happening more frequently than I had originally thought.
I'm just hoping he means it when he says he won't do it anymore. I looked through his phone history the other day, I didn't ask first, but I really didn't think he'd mind much. His history was all innocent as far as I could see. He walked in, and when I told him what I was doing, he was really really mad at me. Says that's going too far, and he's sick of being treated like a cheating husband.
I'm trying so hard to get over this. I know it seems like I do nothing but whine on these boards, but this is where I come to vent when I'm feeling like I'm sinking. The rest of the time, I'm trying to look happy and continue a great love life with dh.

User avatar
txtwindad
Under the stars
Posts: 4078
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:29 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 13th, 1983
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby txtwindad » Mon Jul 18, 2016 9:32 am

Dandelion_lawn wrote:I'm just hoping he means it when he says he won't do it anymore.


I'm sure he means it. That doesn't mean that he will be successful though.

I looked through his phone history the other day, I didn't ask first, but I really didn't think he'd mind much. His history was all innocent as far as I could see. He walked in, and when I told him what I was doing, he was really really mad at me. Says that's going too far, and he's sick of being treated like a cheating husband.


Your checking his history is completely acceptable. His reaction to you checking it not a good sign. Whether or not he gets mad because you check is not your concern. That is his concern. But all passwords and logins should be available to you and you should check on them whenever you want. Don't back down on this. It is a take it or leave it kind of thing. Does he want to be married or not? His recovery is up to him. But you rebuilding trust in him comes with the passwords and complete transparency.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5158
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Jul 18, 2016 9:41 am

Isn't there a way to do this in a respectful and honorable way? Talk it through and come to an agreement. If he agrees for you to do this, then it isn't a violation. If he refuses, then you come to another crossroads of what direction you should take. I would have been angry as well, even when/if innocent... it would feel disrespectful and like I was violated. I would guess, because your husband felt disrespected, that is why he reacted in an unloving manner.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

doug-h
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1255
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:11 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 20th, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby doug-h » Mon Jul 18, 2016 10:10 am

I don't want to assume his motives about that, but it may be rooted in denial. If he still hasn't come to grips with the fact that what he was doing was looking at porn, that would explain his behavior. He may understand that you were hurt and resolve not to hurt you anymore, but still believe that his looking at the pictures was not "wrong" in and of itself. I was very much the same way in the past.

I deliberately placed all my online activity under the microscope, and gave my wife all my passwords, because I wanted her to believe in me.

I guess that if I was to offer advice, it would be to approach him and ask him to help you believe in him, and see what he comes up with. The truth is that I wouldn't like to find my wife looking at my phone outside of my presence, but I would offer it up any time she asked.

If he isnt willing to do that, there is a problem. . Not liking you digging around on your own, doesn't mean much in and of itself.

It might be blunt, but if he uses the cheating husband remark in the future, remind him that you didn't really like finding out that he had been masturbating to pictures of other women.

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Mon Jul 18, 2016 10:24 am

Yeah, I definitely should have asked to look at his phone first. I imagine if I'd explained what I wanted to do, and why, he'd likely have reacted much differently.

Shaddow93
Queen bed
Posts: 120
Joined: Wed Nov 11, 2015 7:59 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 5th, 1999
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Shaddow93 » Mon Jul 18, 2016 1:06 pm

Did you catch him in the act of masturbating to other women pics or did he tell you?

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Mon Jul 18, 2016 2:37 pm

I asked him and he told me.

jon
Twin size
Posts: 11
Joined: Wed Nov 05, 2014 10:47 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 1st, 2003
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby jon » Mon Jul 18, 2016 2:38 pm

Was he kind of ashamed to tell you - or more like this is no big deal?

User avatar
Cayenne
Queen bed
Posts: 179
Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2016 4:02 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 23rd, 1996
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Cayenne » Mon Jul 18, 2016 3:16 pm

Dandelion_lawn wrote:I'm trying so hard to get over this. I know it seems like I do nothing but whine on these boards, but this is where I come to vent when I'm feeling like I'm sinking. The rest of the time, I'm trying to look happy and continue a great love life with dh.


Its ok. You sound so much like I feel.

I checked his phone behind his back a few times at first. When he caught me, he said, "Did you find what you're looking for?" I haven't kept doing it, though. My general rule is I don't do something to him I wouldn't like in return. Even though I'm innocent of wrong doing, him checking my phone without my knowledge doesn't feel good.

Sometimes I feel so frustrated that I have to be the one to make everything ok again, I'm the one who has to pretend like everything is ok in deference to his feelings.... when he's the one that did this. He's the one that should be trying to figure out how to make everything ok. I'm the one that had to swallow my feelings and keep intimacy going (it was my choice. I knew if I did not, I might build up too many walls and might not be able to down the road). In my case, it's so hard just to get him to truly communicate with me. Why do I have to go through so much making sure he feels wanted, when he should be pursuing me?
"There, but for the grace of God, go I."

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Mon Jul 18, 2016 4:27 pm

Cayenne, I hope it gets easier for both of us soon!!!
Jon, he doesn't think it's a big deal. Which, on one hand is really good. It means he wasn't hiding anything from me that was big or important in his mind. He says the attraction to these pics was so very very much less than to a pornographic picture or video, that he really doesn't see it as porn. On the other hand, I don't like that he thinks it's no big deal since I'm so over-devastated that I want him to feel that it's as wrong as I feel it is. It's really a his mind vs her mind thing and he understands that it hurts me deeply, so hopefully he'll avoid it, and I'm just struggling to do my part of not ending the world over this since it's not a big thing to him.

jon
Twin size
Posts: 11
Joined: Wed Nov 05, 2014 10:47 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 1st, 2003
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby jon » Mon Jul 18, 2016 5:02 pm

That makes perfect sense. As you've said the girls he looked at weren't naked - to a guy that doesn't count as porn and he wouldn't imagine you'd be upset by it. Obviously if he wanted naked stuff he could easily find it just as easily but he didn't go that way. Also good that he told you he masturbated to the pics - not like he lied and said I just looked at them for curiosity.

Are you upset mainly because you think he's comparing you to the girls he looks at?

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Mon Jul 18, 2016 6:06 pm

Thanks Jon, and yeah, I think my main thing is jealousy and worrying that he I'll think I'm unattractive compared to them and be mentally bringing them to bed with us. I also hate that he lied to me.
You're right that his line was nakedness and he figured these 'clothed' pics were fine, even though he knew that I would NOT be okay with him looking at them. He says he hasn't missed it since quitting even though it was something he looked at pretty much every time he was going on his phone.
Last edited by Dandelion_lawn on Mon Jul 25, 2016 10:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

jon
Twin size
Posts: 11
Joined: Wed Nov 05, 2014 10:47 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 1st, 2003
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby jon » Tue Jul 19, 2016 4:22 am

Sounds like you're doing a good job of working this through in your mind. A key difference between men and women that men compartmentalise things in our minds. When he looks at the pictures he won't be thinking of you. When he's with you he won't be thinking of the pictures. Guessing that the girls he looked at were mainly the same "type" - young, big boobs etc just because that's what there is online. He won't be looking at some young girl with big breasts online and thinking wish my wife looked like that. For men we often look at stuff for curiosity rather than because it's what we actually like. Men try and cover that up sometimes because we suspect women won't believe it!
The other thing is whether you think him masturbating always bad - with or without pictures - or whether it's OK as long as there's no pictures. Obviously something you'd need to agree with him. I'd certainly doubt he's going to risk upsetting you again, so call this a lesson learnt for him.

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Wed Jul 20, 2016 12:27 pm

It came out last night that he'd actually been looking at porn pics and videos too, not just the girlie pics. Dh had lied about it originally, which although I really don't like, I can understand. Once he found out how sad the pics alone had made me, he decided to give up them and porn, so he didn't see the point of letting me know about the porn. The porn was quite infrequent since he'd feel guilty about it, while the pics were his 'grey area' that he looked at several times daily without much guilt.

It doesn't really change anything. He's still committed to quitting and hasn't looked at anything since I first confronted him. Like Doug's experience, he knew porn made me angry, but didn't understand how it hurt me. Now that he can see me in pain, he regrets it all. I'm training my brain to instead of thinking, "IF he'd loved me, he wouldn't have looked" To " Although he loves me, he looked, and Because he loves me, he's going to do his best to stop".

doug-h
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1255
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:11 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 20th, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby doug-h » Wed Jul 20, 2016 12:55 pm

DL,

I'm really sorry that it got to that point, but it really is wonderful that he confessed to it. I was leading a lesson in Celebrate Recovery a few week ago. One of the 12 steps is to confess your sins to God and another person. One of the things I noted in my own experience, is that confession sometimes takes practice, and often you reveal little things first. I think the Lord lays things on our hearts as they can be handled. It really isnt surprising to me that it followed that pattern.I wonder if you asked him about it, or did he come clean on his own? In the end, it really doesn't matter as long as he is repentant, and it sounds like that is the case.

I am really glad that you are able to look at it the way you do. I know that is probably an occasional struggle, but being deliberate is so good.

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Thu Jul 21, 2016 9:02 am

He didn't come clean on his own, I found the sites in the website data of an old half broken phone that he had a couple years ago that the kids play games on. But, like you say, that part isn't important. I think it's helpful that the information is out. Now instead of saying, "it was just some pictures", he can admit to the whole issue. I'm relieved that he says it wasn't often enough that he feels it was an addiction.
I just hope this 'punched in the stomach' feeling goes away sometime soon. I've lost 15lbs, I can't sleep well, I feel flat and empty of everything but pain.
I'm so thankful for the messages on this thread. I've been reading and re-reading them to keep my mind in sensible places.

User avatar
txtwindad
Under the stars
Posts: 4078
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:29 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 13th, 1983
Gender: Male

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby txtwindad » Thu Jul 21, 2016 9:30 am

Dandelion_lawn wrote: I'm relieved that he says it wasn't often enough that he feels it was an addiction.


This may not make you feel good, but I don't think you have any real reason to believe this statement. It is good that he didn't deny the porn use when you confronted him. But he did lie to you earlier when he told you it was just the clothed photos. Even if he didn't out and out tell you he wasn't using porn, he let you believe an untruth. He grossly under represented what was happening. First it was that he was looking at photos that he didn't think were porn, then it comes out that he is masturbating to the photos, then that he really was using unquestionable porn images to masturbate. That is a lie, really a series of them.

There's no reason to over react to his lies (Who of us can say we have never lied to our spouse), but don't sweep it under the carpet either. You will do neither of you a favor by doing so.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

User avatar
Dandelion_lawn
Double
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 21st, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: What is he thinking?

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Thu Jul 21, 2016 1:36 pm

Yeah, the lies are pretty overwhelming. He specifically told me that he wasn't looking at any girlie pics or videos on Facebook, then I found proof that he was. He never hid that he me to the pics, I just didn't ask earlier. When we talked about the 'clothed' pics, he told me flat out that he wasn't using porn. Plus, way back 15 years ago when he was using porn and I found out and was devastated, he never did quit like he said back then that he did. So it's been a long lie. I keep wondering what could be next.
I get the reasons behind the lies. If you want to keep doing something, you can't be honest and still get to continue. It bugs me that he's stopped now only because he got caught and in trouble. I hope it's genuine.
Another thing bugging me is likely not even an issue. When I looked through his history on his phone, it showed that he'd opened up a fb picture of a busty young lady in a tiny shirt. It was not a men's site type pic, just a friend of a friend who showed up on his newsfeed. Normally, I wouldn't think much, she's pretty and he clicked on her pic for a closer look, and possibly to see if she had any other cute pics in her profile. But given the circumstances that he's already caused me pain by looking at fb pics, shouldn't he be avoiding all that type of clicking for now if he's truly repentant? I do think I'm overreacting. She was cute, if she walked past him on the street, I'd expect his eyes to notice her.


Return to “Pornography”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users