Husband thinks porn not wrong

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
Andrea85
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Husband thinks porn not wrong

Postby Andrea85 » Tue Jul 19, 2016 7:54 am

I hope to reach out to those who, like me, are experiencing something similar with less success. My SO has a pornography addiction and no hope at asking for forgiveness. He doesn't see this as innately wrong (which it is), and I am very confused. I have even started looking at sites like this http://www.thistoo.co since I don't see how we can stay together. But how can I leave my husband? I'm having a hard time seeing what God wants for me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

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Job29Man
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Husband thinks porn not wrong

Postby Job29Man » Tue Jul 19, 2016 9:21 am

A husband who doesn't see a problem with a pornography addiction. That's a tough one. I'm so sorry.

You referred to him as your "SO." I guess that's "Significant Other?" Sometimes that indicates not married on paper. I'm not judging or accusing, just pondering options for you.

Could I ask a personal question? Are you legally married to him with an actual marriage certificate and marriage registered with the county that would legally require a divorce to end the marriage? Or is it an "informal marriage?"

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doug-h
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Husband thinks porn not wrong

Postby doug-h » Tue Jul 19, 2016 9:27 am

Andrea, let me welcome you. I'm sorry that it is under these circumstances.

Share what you feel comfortable sharing. It is a lot easier to respond appropriately when you are as well informed as possible.

Again, sorry that you are going thru this trial.

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Re: Husband thinks porn not wrong

Postby hifromme67 » Wed Jul 20, 2016 12:41 am

So sorry to hear you are going through this. I will wait to follow your thread.

Andrea85
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Re: Husband thinks porn not wrong

Postby Andrea85 » Wed Jul 20, 2016 7:16 am

Job29Man wrote:Could I ask a personal question? Are you legally married to him with an actual marriage certificate and marriage registered with the county that would legally require a divorce to end the marriage? Or is it an "informal marriage?"

(Sorry I'm still learning- is quoting the best way to reply?) and yes we are married. I noticed the shorthand on a few other posts. Are there less options since we are formally married? We do have a certificate.

Why can't I be enough for him :(

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Re: Husband thinks porn not wrong

Postby Andrea85 » Wed Jul 20, 2016 7:21 am

doug-h wrote:Share what you feel comfortable sharing. It is a lot easier to respond appropriately when you are as well informed as possible.

thank you Doug. um not sure what details are most helpful to give. he started spending time alone in our room which was odd. he wouldn't want me to come in and said to always knock. about two months ago he confessed that he was struggling with this, but says it is a serious addiction. When i try to bring it up he gets aggravated, so i try to spend what time we do get together to be positive and forget about it . . but it keeps eating away at me.

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Re: Husband thinks porn not wrong

Postby Leah » Wed Jul 20, 2016 8:12 am

You don't have to knock to go into your own room.

I am going to suggest you find a group like SAnon and go to it. I think you will come away with good tools to help you deal with this. So sorry for what you're going through.
Leah

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Re: Husband thinks porn not wrong

Postby C_Brown » Wed Jul 20, 2016 8:16 am

Sounds like he does know it's wrong but perhaps he is in denial about that.
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Re: Husband thinks porn not wrong

Postby doug-h » Wed Jul 20, 2016 9:19 am

As a former user, I'm going to throw out some thoughts. They may or may not apply in this case, but it might give you some things to think about.

First, the word addiction gets thrown around alot, and I seriously doubt that it applies in every case. In my case, I did have an addiction, but it wasn't really a porn addiction. Porn, at the time, was the most current addiction, but I went thru a lot of more benign addictions on the way to porn, and in truth, still would struggle with other more innocent addictions since I turned away from porn. I'm pretty sure this forum became one for a little while.
I'm just telling you that so that you might have a better understanding. I had a pretty easy time turning away from pornography, but I had probably the most perfect replacement for it to occupy my mind in the time I might otherwise have struggled.

Second, I don't totally agree with C_Brown, but I think he is close. I think your heart tells you it's wrong, even if intellectually you don't believe it is. It can set up a pretty intense tug of war. Hiding in the room implies shame to me, but not necessarily guilt. I would say that being as open as he has been, he has probably intellectualized it, and found justification. That justification tells him he is entitled, even if his heart knows it's wrong. I always felt entitled, but I would have been aghast to have my wife walk in. I'm not saying that is the case, but it could be close.

I don't really have any recommendations as to how to deal with it, but for the time being, maybe it would be a good idea to back away from the word divorce. You can always return to that option down the road.

Have you had an honest conversation about how it makes you feel? Has he heard the word divorce in your discussion to date. Can you be vulnerable enough to speak to him without letting your feelings take over the stage. That has been very difficult for me to do, but it has opened many doors to communication. Sometimes a letter is the best way to go about starting a conversation, because you can spend all the time you need to get it to say exactly what is on your heart. It also eliminates the possibility of angry words on either part to rise up and derail things. He would have a bit of time to process things before responding.

It's hard when Your hurts are not acknowledged, or even worse dismissed as invalid. I know what that is like.

As to what your options are, besides divorce. There are plenty, but he is going to have to come at least part way to repentance. You can certainly make demands, including that he stop entirely, and seek treatment. If it is an addiction, he is unlikely to beat it on his own, and if it is just him deciding that he can get away with it, well, he will have to reassess that. Exactly what options are available to you depends largely on your own resolve. Divorce is certainly one, but it should not be the first thing tossed out. If he seriously believes he is addicted, and taking no steps to heal, then you might need to nudge him in that direction.

One thing that I always suggest, is a 12 step program. My particular choice is Celebrate Recovery. It has been a total life changer for me, and that has seeped into my marriage as well. Just because he is the one with the problem, don't rule it out for yourself. It would be very good for both of you to attend, but either of you could benefit on your own.

If he iswilling to start an account on TMB, I would be more than happy to talk to him.

I will be watching this thread, and I will keep you both in my prayers.

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Re: Husband thinks porn not wrong

Postby SquarePants » Wed Jul 20, 2016 11:16 am

How are your libidos? Is one of yours higher than the other? Has either of yours changed recently?
Does he have any ED problems?
How old is he? How is his overall health?

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Re: Husband thinks porn not wrong

Postby Andrea85 » Sat Jul 23, 2016 5:49 pm

thanks doug for your thoughtful response! that's a good point. He has not seen a doctor or anything so I can't qualify the specific state of his obsession, i do know that without intervention he cannot stop Even though, as you expressed, on some level he acknowledges wrong doing.
(Sorry to hear that you dealt with addiction, and congratulations on your recovery! :D ) I have tried to be his "better option" but I don't seem to be enough for him. Although I agree, divorce seems premature, its so hard to feel inadequate for your husband . . when you thought you were supposed to be each other's whole world.

I've avoided mentioning divorce so far, but I'm not sure how else to express how I'm feeling, clearly my attempts at confronting him haven't been effective. I might look into Leah's suggestion or Celebrate Recovery- it looks like a great resource and thank you for the suggestion. How do you recommend I bring that up, in a way that shows how serious I am?

I have considered showing him TMB but right now it feels like a safe, personal place to flush out these concerns. Maybe I will work my way up to it.

Thank you, and all for your support, I will keep this thread updated when I have news to share.

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Re: Husband thinks porn not wrong

Postby Leah » Sat Jul 23, 2016 11:07 pm

You don't bring it up. You find a group and go to it. The support is for you.
Leah

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Andrea85
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Re: Husband thinks porn not wrong

Postby Andrea85 » Sun Jul 24, 2016 6:39 pm

oh, i see what you're saying. So don't bring it up to him?

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Re: Husband thinks porn not wrong

Postby Leah » Sun Jul 24, 2016 7:17 pm

No. He doesn't think he has a problem. You are going to group to learn it's not your problem and how you can respond to your husband.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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