As A Wife, What to Do?

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
User avatar
Medic
Queen bed
Posts: 135
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 10:44 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 24th, 2015
Gender: Couple
Location: Lowertown, MN

As A Wife, What to Do?

Postby Medic » Sat Aug 27, 2016 8:48 am

This is Tigger, Medic's Wife:

We moved back "up north" in the beginning of June so we could live closer to Medic's family and so he could go to a college with a better pre-med program. We found ourselves at home alone every day (we are staying with his parents, but they travel a lot and are gone most of the time). Also, I found a job and we found an apartment, so we are moving out next month. Anyways, at first it went all right but I then I started getting stressed out from my job search and Medic was bored and played computer games a lot and I started bothering him. We started arguing more about things and I think I asked him a lot to make sure he hadn't been looking at porn again. But I let myself get too worked up about things from the past and cried- a lot.

Fast forward almost three months and now I struggle with feeling loved every day. I think about when we first got married and how Medic would hold my hand and always be there for me when I was upset. Now I am afraid I messed things up because I cry several times every day and he said it feels like I mope around the house. My concern with all this being that I think to him it is difficult to see me get upset about the same thing (when he has looked at porn) even weeks after it has happened and he doesn't understand why I can't move on each time. For me, it feels like its gets harder to move on, even if things are getting better.

Almost like the more he finds it difficult to comfort me about things the more I cry because then I'm not being held. I.e.: If I cry and ask to be held he turns over and goes back to sleep now instead of holding me like he used to and then I cry more throughout the day. Maybe this is a separate issue but feeling like we don't talk to each other the same anymore and that in some ways he has given up on me with never getting better with emotions. I'm not sure if this is too vague? I just am not sure what I am doing wrong. I know it is bad to cry and that emotions should not drive a marriage but I also have difficulty controlling how I feel. Also, no one really knows what is going on with us (except his accountability person) and so I feel like I don't have anyone I can talk to and struggle with feeling alone.

All this to say, 1. What can I do to help him be less upset with me all the time? How do I go about the crying problem? I think he can feel the tension that I am always feeling and that it makes me less pleasant to be around. 2. Please pray for both of us.
Browsing lingerie section: "Hmmmm she is intelligent... creative... and she likes to volunteer... the french maid outfit should do." :wink:

User avatar
Vanna
King bed
Posts: 746
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2016 4:40 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 20th, 1994
Gender: Female
Location: Texas

Re: As A Wife, What to Do?

Postby Vanna » Sat Aug 27, 2016 9:25 am

You need an outside support system- he can't do it and work on his recovery. Check the local churches for a group- whether a women's Bible study, or a recovery support group for spouses. You need somewhere you can talk and feel understood and get healing.

He is never going to understand how you feel on the level you are trying to get him to, he is on the other side of the problem and doesn't have a female brain anyway. People in recovery tend to just want life to go back to normal so they can move on and get past their failures. They don't tend to understand the depth of damage because to them the battle began when they decided to stop, but for those around them the struggle was ongoing throughout the addiction/episode and trust has to be rebuilt and any relapses make that harder.

That said, one of the biggest mistakes the hurting spouse falls into is wanting the recovering spouse to walk with them through the the emotional sludge of the healing process. Most often, folks who have addictive tendencies develop them as an escape from feeling overwhelmed by stress, pressure, failure, fear, anger, pain... The very things their spouses are struggling with and want them to sit through. Most of the ex-users haven't finished dealing with root issues of their habit of choice and aren't ready to face the sea of damage and emotion their spouse wants them to.

Both parties need time and outside support.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

User avatar
Medic
Queen bed
Posts: 135
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 10:44 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 24th, 2015
Gender: Couple
Location: Lowertown, MN

Re: As A Wife, What to Do?

Postby Medic » Sat Aug 27, 2016 9:56 am

This is Medic's Wife, Tigger:

So, would the best thing to do be to seek out someone at church who has been a wife much longer than me and ask to meet with them/for them to mentor me specifically as relates to marriage? Because I really want Medic to do well and I don't want to be an emotional burden. He has mentioned before that this makes things worse....and I don't want that.
Browsing lingerie section: "Hmmmm she is intelligent... creative... and she likes to volunteer... the french maid outfit should do." :wink:

User avatar
seeking perspective
Under the stars
Posts: 5566
Joined: Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:01 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 27th, 1991
Gender: Female
Location: between the Northwoods and the Great Plains and the Great Lakes
Contact:

Re: As A Wife, What to Do?

Postby seeking perspective » Sat Aug 27, 2016 9:59 am

Medic wrote:Almost like the more he finds it difficult to comfort me about things the more I cry because then I'm not being held. I.e.: If I cry and ask to be held he turns over and goes back to sleep now instead of holding me like he used to and then I cry more throughout the day. Maybe this is a separate issue but feeling like we don't talk to each other the same anymore and that in some ways he has given up on me with never getting better with emotions. I'm not sure if this is too vague? I just am not sure what I am doing wrong.


My husband has explained his part of this cycle from our past. I am a pretty emotional person, and when I am feeling strong emotion, I cry. My husband saw my tears as a sign that he was failing me as my husband. If he were a good husband, he reasoned, I would be happy. So I would cry, and he would try to eliminate the problem--which to him was that I was letting myself get upset over things that he didn't think were worth being upset about. Because what I really wanted was to have him acknowledge my feelings and simply hold me, his attempts to fix the problem by telling me I was wrong made the problem worse. At some point, he decided the best thing to do was to roll away from me since he wasn't able to do what he thought I needed him to do. Rolling over made it easier for him to not face my hurt, which to him was a sign of his failure as a man and a husband.

At some point, I told him that what I really needed from him was to hold me. No matter how ridiculous I seemed to him, I would never turn away from a comforting hug. I had to tell him very specifically what I thought should be obvious.

It is not good for your husband to turn away from you in your need, but it might be helpful to think through his reasons for doing so. Maybe he is trying to teach you a lesson. Maybe he is avoiding something that overwhelms him. Maybe he is just confused and doesn't know what to do.

I would like to suggest that rather than ask to be held when you're upset, you might start by asking him to hold you when you are more content. If he is gun-shy about triggering another argument or if your tears make him feel like a failure, this might be a way of helping him get back in the habit of doing what you need him to do--and reconnecting, which ultimately is good for both of you.

I know it is bad to cry and that emotions should not drive a marriage but I also have difficulty controlling how I feel.


While emotions should not drive your marriage (oh, how I know this well), it is not bad to cry and I don't think there is anything necessarily wrong with not controlling your feelings. However, because your feelings are affecting your actions, consider trying some things to help you counteract those feelings with truth. Write out encouraging bible verses or reminders of your husband's character and commitment to you. When you find yourself dwelling on negative thoughts or being overwhelmed by your feelings, read these verses and reminders. Read them out loud so you can hear the words. Even better, read them to yourself even when you're having a good day and are more receptive to the truth.

All this to say, 1. What can I do to help him be less upset with me all the time?


My answer to this is that it isn't a question you should be asking. You can and should work on your actions and feelings because that will help you grow as a person--but your husband's feelings are not your responsibility. Now, if you were crying just to get a rise out of him, that would be different--but he is the one who has to figure out how to deal with feeling upset. One of the things that I have struggled with is to be comfortable with my husband's discomfort. I don't enjoy seeing him upset, and my life is certainly easier when he is content. However, it is when we're uncomfortable that we seek growth. Your husband feeling upset is a by-product of you trying to emotionally process something that he doesn't understand. Encourage him to read The One Sneaky Trap That Will Kill Your Marriage by Shaunti Feldhahn. Here is my favorite line:
Never, ever, ever think your spouse “shouldn’t” be hurt by something that wouldn’t hurt you.


I know many women who avoid crying because it upsets their husbands. I don't think this is a good idea, because it means that you are being inauthentic with him in order to secure a false peace. That does not build intimacy at all. It just buys lack of conflict between you. It also means that you are suppressing your emotional needs for the sake of his. It is good to be able to do this--but when you do it all the time, I don't think it is healthy. (That is just my opinion, probably based on the fact that I am not capable of suppressing my emotional needs all the time. :))
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
The Forgiven Wife
and Sex Chat for Christian Wives

User avatar
Vanna
King bed
Posts: 746
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2016 4:40 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 20th, 1994
Gender: Female
Location: Texas

Re: As A Wife, What to Do?

Postby Vanna » Sat Aug 27, 2016 10:32 am

Medic wrote:would the best thing to do be to seek out someone at church who has been a wife much longer than me and ask to meet with them/for them to mentor me specifically a


A mentor can be helpful, but I know how challenging it can be to find one who has a good marriage.

If you aren't sure who to approach, I'd talk to the Pastor and see if he could give you some suggestions- explain what you are dealing with, so he has an idea of who will have insight on that issue. If the church is so big the Pastor isn't sure who to recommend, go to some of the women's groups/studies and get a feel for some of the ladies.

I always recommend attending recovery groups because of the wealth of experiences and varied points each is at in the process of healing. Also, I find that sometimes one-on-one mentoring may be helpful for a season, but it has more of a risk of becoming co-dependent than when you are in a group.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

User avatar
Medic
Queen bed
Posts: 135
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 10:44 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 24th, 2015
Gender: Couple
Location: Lowertown, MN

Re: As A Wife, What to Do?

Postby Medic » Sat Aug 27, 2016 11:05 am

Tigger, Medic's Wife:

In reference to a women's Bible study/support group, my one concern is ability to bring up the specifics of what we are dealing with because our church is starting a Celebrate Recovery group and I have considered both of us going because they divide up men and women at the end for the talking portion of things...but how do I bring up what is going on when it is not my "secret" to share...this was my problem at our previous church too when asking for prayer etc. Do I stay vague if I have to explain to 8-12 other women why I am hurting? I'm not sure my husband or I want so many people knowing that is the struggle? I feel bad for him in having to share those things because he has trusted me with a lot of information about his struggle even though I have been through really frightening experiences with my dad also a bad head injury/near death experience and then an abusive missions experience....I try to hold together through all these things but they end up jumping into the same shared feeling of never safe (except for the head injury with the car....that was more of a God experience). Its almost too complicated a story now for even a support group. God gets it.............but I feel like explaining my reason for struggling with grief and abandonment is too complex for a support group. And I fear women's ability to gossip and judge. We were not pure before our marriage and that kind of started a lot of the struggle and I feel afraid of being judged.
Browsing lingerie section: "Hmmmm she is intelligent... creative... and she likes to volunteer... the french maid outfit should do." :wink:

User avatar
Hiswifeagain
Under the stars
Posts: 3718
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:57 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 30th, 1984
Gender: Female
Location: The land of 10,000 lakes and road construction projects

Re: As A Wife, What to Do?

Postby Hiswifeagain » Sat Aug 27, 2016 11:35 am

Tigger, I'm sorry that you're hurting. It's so hard starting over in a new place. It's really hard to when you feel minimized or misunderstood by your spouse. I do wonder if some of what you're going through is a difference in the way you and Medic experience love and nurturing. Here's a link to website that has a quiz to help you figure out your attachment style (love style). I've been working through the book written by this couple and it's been so helpful in seeing why I struggle in the ways I do. How we experienced love and nurturing (or lack thereof) as baby and child still affects us even if we have no conscious awareness of it. Please check it out. I think it could really help you. :D
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

User avatar
Vanna
King bed
Posts: 746
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2016 4:40 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 20th, 1994
Gender: Female
Location: Texas

Re: As A Wife, What to Do?

Postby Vanna » Sat Aug 27, 2016 12:02 pm

That's one of the reasons I liked Al/anon and S/Anon- the anonymity is comforting. No one says a word about what is discussed so you have a level of confidentiality that is nice. From personal experience, whatever your backstory, it's not too complex for group- it doesn't typically all come out in one discussion, it comes out in segments. You focus each time in the specific struggle you are having that day, or that week.

Some people attend both Celebrate and A/a.

If you really want total anonymity to share fully in larger downloads, it would probably be beneficial for you to visit with a counselor, just for you.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

doug-h
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1336
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:11 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 20th, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: As A Wife, What to Do?

Postby doug-h » Sat Aug 27, 2016 1:24 pm

Tigger(love the name, by the way)

There are seriously different ways that men and women process things. Those differences can seriously get in the way of effective communication.
It isn't really enough to just recognize that fact and go on. There are common languages, but it takes effort to find them. Most of that effort should be in open, honest communication. We fail in that, when we don't express ourselves honestly, or sometimes just in seeing things from our own narrow view.

Believe me when I say I know how difficult that can sometimes be. I run into it every day, and I am not only aware of it, and I watch for it. Still, I fail miserably on occasion.

I agree wholeheartedly with SC about the link that she sent. Please forward that to Medic(in a way that doesn't come across as an accusation). There is a corresponding link that I sent to my wife, when I struggled to find the words myself. I also took the one that SC linked to and made it one of my favorites, to go back to and remind myself from time to time.

I am, and have been praying for both of you since Medic joined.

User avatar
Medic
Queen bed
Posts: 135
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 10:44 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 24th, 2015
Gender: Couple
Location: Lowertown, MN

Re: As A Wife, What to Do?

Postby Medic » Sat Aug 27, 2016 3:04 pm

Please forward that to Medic(in a way that doesn't come across as an accusation).


Tigger, Medic's Wife:

I read the article and found it helpful to remember and printed it off, placing it on Medic's amp, near his "view meters" and best speakers. He knows its there and will get to it.

My one question about the article as relates to my situation....is it in reference to crying as one of the things that would come across as hurting Medic...or more just pestering and asking about things?
Browsing lingerie section: "Hmmmm she is intelligent... creative... and she likes to volunteer... the french maid outfit should do." :wink:

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 16013
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: As A Wife, What to Do?

Postby Leah » Sat Aug 27, 2016 3:34 pm

Vanna wrote:That's one of the reasons I liked Al/anon and S/Anon- the anonymity is comforting. No one says a word about what is discussed so you have a level of confidentiality that is nice. From personal experience, whatever your backstory, it's not too complex for group- it doesn't typically all come out in one discussion, it comes out in segments. You focus each time in the specific struggle you are having that day, or that week.


This is true. I can't believe how much help I got from non-help. What I mean is that members share without interruption or judging. Just putting my experiences and feelings out there and seeing people who understand was a great support to me.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

doug-h
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1336
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:11 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 20th, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: As A Wife, What to Do?

Postby doug-h » Sat Aug 27, 2016 3:39 pm

My take on it is mostly just that it is hard for him. I know that one of the things that is most difficult for me is to see my wife hurting. If I know that I am responsible, that makes it that much more difficult.

Helplessness is a hard thing to deal with for a guy, and that is probably the most helpless feeling in the world. Knowing that you have done something to hurt the one who you love, and seeing that reflected in your tears. When it seems like it doesn't go away, helplessness can start turning into hopelessness. I don't know what is going on in medics head, but I can easily imagine the doubts that he struggles with.

I am going to ask you this, and then at your request, I will either leave it or delete it, depending on your preference.

I am Medics accountability partner, and have been from the beginning of his recovery. I am really sorry that you guys are struggling. I would be happy to speak with him about this on your behalf, but I do not want to put you in a difficult position. I think it might be helpful, but I don't know. We already have a dialog, so he knows me. As I said, I leave it up to you.

For the record, I also recommend either a counselor, or a support group. I have been attending CR for about a year now, and am scheduled to meet with a counselor for the first time next week(Not really looking forward to that, but I love CR).

Doug H.

User avatar
Medic
Queen bed
Posts: 135
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 10:44 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 24th, 2015
Gender: Couple
Location: Lowertown, MN

Re: As A Wife, What to Do?

Postby Medic » Sat Aug 27, 2016 4:05 pm

Medic now talks to someone from our small group every week, so I think he's okay for talking about things....I think just need to find a support group or place where I can process through things. I think he really is trying to understand, too. I know he benefits from communicating with you as well. I think its more just that I think he's doing better and I don't want him to feel like I'm on his case.
Browsing lingerie section: "Hmmmm she is intelligent... creative... and she likes to volunteer... the french maid outfit should do." :wink:

doug-h
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1336
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:11 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 20th, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: As A Wife, What to Do?

Postby doug-h » Sat Aug 27, 2016 4:12 pm

Yes, I imagine that is so. I bet that article really speaks to him, but it wouldn't hurt for him to hear it reinforced on occasion.

Really glad to hear that he has some real life support. It has been really helpful for me almost daily, in all aspects of my life, not just recovery.

User avatar
yw16
Twin size
Posts: 43
Joined: Tue Mar 17, 2015 7:44 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 12th, 2014
Gender: Female
Location: Cape Town, South Africa

Re: As A Wife, What to Do?

Postby yw16 » Thu Sep 01, 2016 2:31 am

As someone who has been in a similar situation (iro the crying) I'd just like to add to the people suggesting outside help. Sometimes a spouse just isn't equipped to help us deal with our internal problems, as much as they want to. They aren't a psychologist, after all.

May I also suggest going on a temporary, mild course of anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medication? Just to get you over the worst. Sometimes being assisted by medication just helps us to see things clearly for a bit, and that clarity and calm, plus outside therapy / support may be the winning combination. It was for me, after I had my nervous breakdown.

sunny-dee
Queen bed
Posts: 105
Joined: Mon May 16, 2016 11:32 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 21st, 2013
Gender: Female

Re: As A Wife, What to Do?

Postby sunny-dee » Thu Sep 01, 2016 10:58 am

Just an alternative, because I was there with the crying all the time, too.

It's great if you find a group, counselor, or mentor -- but it can also be helpful to find a group that's just friendly. Like, I go to a workout class at my church, do a monthly mom's group dinner (I'm not a mom, but it's my age group), and go to a weekly Bible study. Honestly, I could bring up personal issues if I needed to and I know the women there would be supportive, but mostly those are places where there are no problems. It's just about me, doing my thing. It helps to put other things in perspective -- like, yes, there are big problems and big heartbreaks, but there are other things in my life, too. The bad parts aren't everything.

It gives me some breathing room from my problems, if that makes sense.

User avatar
Medic
Queen bed
Posts: 135
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 10:44 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 24th, 2015
Gender: Couple
Location: Lowertown, MN

Re: As A Wife, What to Do?

Postby Medic » Sat Sep 10, 2016 12:00 am

Medic's Wife, Tigger:

I started going to a Bible study and prayer group at my work and that has been encouraging in regards to doing other things outside of what is going on.

But I wanted to post because (maybe I need to change this over to prayer requests) but please pray again. Things seem like they are getting better between us sometimes but it seems like now even the smallest thing I do aggravates things and even though I try really hard not to give in to getting too emotional it keeps happening again and now I am literally in the same exact situation as I was last week's post. So, I guess please pray for us and that God would work out a way for us to have a married couple to mentor us or to be able to go to counseling or that something would happen to restore things. I can't sleep at night because I get so upset and I'm not held anymore. Please pray for wisdom for both of us to know what to do and that God would intervene in this.
Browsing lingerie section: "Hmmmm she is intelligent... creative... and she likes to volunteer... the french maid outfit should do." :wink:


Return to “Pornography”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users