Wife watching porn

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
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cev
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Wife watching porn

Postby cev » Sun Nov 13, 2016 6:09 pm

I never thought that I would be on this board, but I have to confess something. Some of you remember my story, but the short version is...Sexually starved for 30 plus years of marriage, and then thank God, DH is now on a successful testosterone treatment plan (pellets), and we now have a couple of times a week sex life, that I am happy with. The problem started out with me trying to fix another. DH had very seldom desired oral sex, but with his awakening, he loves them. I wanted to give him the best fellatio possible, so I stupidly thought...watch some porn. Men are the main watchers of porn, so I figured those women had to know what they were doing. That was a few months ago, and I found myself looking forward to chances to secretly watch porn, and masturbate especially after I found out I could watch some of the sexual fantasies that I had. I knew it was wrong each time I did it, and each time I swore I would not do it again. I was doing well the last couple of weeks, as I had a good friend put a lock on my phone and Ipad, but DH went out of town, and left his Ipad. I fell of the wagon, something I never want to do again. Everything I read tells me to put safeguards in place, and confess to someone. I trust the TMB folks, and thought this was my best bet for confession.

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Re: Wife watching porn

Postby OldMarriedLady » Sun Nov 13, 2016 7:53 pm

Oh, cev, bless your heart. :( I can so relate. I know you can overcome this. I will be praying for you earnestly.
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
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Re: Wife watching porn

Postby SeekingChange » Sun Nov 13, 2016 8:43 pm

OldMarriedLady wrote: I can so relate. I know you can overcome this. I will be praying for you earnestly.

Me too.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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cev
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Re: Wife watching porn

Postby cev » Tue Nov 15, 2016 6:09 am

Thank you so much! I is good to know that others can relate. Any advice on beating this?

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Re: RE: Re: Wife watching porn

Postby ledgemoor » Tue Nov 15, 2016 7:12 am

cev wrote:Thank you so much! I is good to know that others can relate. Any advice on beating this?

What about videographing you and your husband, and watch that instead? You'd have fun watching it AND making it.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: Wife watching porn

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Nov 15, 2016 7:14 am

It sounds too me like you are taking the right steps. Have you noticed if there are certain circumstances that make you more tempted to go and look? Look for those, and then be more on alert when you see that the "perfect storm" is forming, and then have a plan. Drawing closer to God during those times definitely helps. Ask a friend to pray.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Wife watching porn

Postby poetess » Tue Nov 15, 2016 8:13 am

cev, another thing I'd add is don't let this anonymous confession on the internet be your only confession. Have someone "in real life" who can and will ask you questions.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: RE: Re: Wife watching porn

Postby seeking perspective » Tue Nov 15, 2016 8:54 am

What about videographing you and your husband, and watch that instead? You'd have fun watching it AND making it.


I would like to offer one caution about this ^^^. I do know some couples that have determined that this is a bad idea due to a husband's porn habit. It can encourage an objectification of the spouse as someone focuses on the images on the screen rather than on actual thoughts about connecting with each other. (It's been described as a sort of image vs. experience thing.) Also, it can encourage the continued enjoyment of video images--sometimes at the expense of actual intimacy.

I'm not saying that it will necessarily be a problem, and for you it might be a good thing to do. Just know that it also has the potential to interfere with the intimacy in your marriage. I encourage you to seek your heart to understand what you feel and think when you have masturbated to porn. That may help you make a decision about whether this could be helpful in your marriage.

I can relate as well, and I'll be in prayer for you.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
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cev
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Re: Wife watching porn

Postby cev » Tue Nov 15, 2016 9:26 am

Seeking Perspective:
Great advice. I want to be fully engaged in real life, real sex with my DH, living in the moment and enjoying it. We are having more sex now than we ever had in our marriage, but it is pretty vanilla. I am thankful that DH at least thinks about sex now, and I am hopeful that he will eventually get more adventurous, but until then I need to remember how far we have come, and bloom where I am planted.
Poetess:
As far as telling another person in my life about this, that is not a possibility right now. My dear friend who I have shared extremely personal things with in the past is going through some medical issues right now, and I do not have another friend whom I put that kind of trust in.
Seeking Change:
I have identified the circumstances that cause the perfect storm, and the biggy is when DH and I go for several days without sex. Thankfully this does not happen to often, but over the last couple of months due to an extremely busy time at work for DH it has become the norm. I can go for weeks and not be tempted, but once I do it again, it seems to take several days to wean myself back off again, and that's even when sex goes back to our regular frequency. I have to confess that although I do not want the man in the video, I want my man to act like that man. I desperately long to have DH take charge and not be so passive in the bedroom. Now that I have introduced this trash into my life I find that sometimes when we do ML, that instead of enjoying the moment, I am hoping that magically this time will be different, and more exciting. I have tried to express my desires to DH, but it is difficult for him to be aggressive in the bedroom. I have spent 30+ years of my marriage feeling like a sex craved freak, and each time I try to talk to DH about my desires those old feelings come flooding back, and it becomes very hard for me to express myself.

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Re: Wife watching porn

Postby tjw » Tue Nov 15, 2016 11:18 am

There's an older book I read some years ago called "Freeing Your Mind from the Memories That Bind".... It was written from a perspective of childhood memories, but I think you would find the principles the same. The One who gives rest is the same One who can free you from these past hurts and disappointments.

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Re: Wife watching porn

Postby ledgemoor » Tue Nov 15, 2016 12:33 pm

I have to confess that although I do not want the man in the video, I want my man to act like that man.

That's a tough one. Men get mixed messages here. In our 35 years of marriage, where I (the husband) has the higher drive, my wife has usually been generous in accommodating me. But I have heard things like "all you think about is sex" (not as a compliment), or even "all you want me for is my body" from my wife and elsewhere. The stereotypical kind, loving, Christian husband is expected not to be too demanding or assertive in pursuing sex from his wife. Men who are are thought of as pigs.

Yet in romance novels, the men are always aggressive and the woman likes it. Those novels seem to be realistic in portraying the female need to be needed. They sell a lot of them after all. I don't understand the dichotomy, but do believe it exists.

With encouragement from a friend, I have been more aggressive in my romance, doing things that are not in my character at all. For example, I texted DW, told her what I wanted to do to her, making reference to specific physical sexual attributes of hers. I used 4-letter words, which I will use on rare occasions in conversation if I think it helps get the point across, but not in our marriage bed. She was surprisingly receptive :-) Our sex life and her attraction to me has improved as a result of that.

While your husband may not have been subject to such messages from you, they are pervasive in the church and popular literature, and has probably affected him.

I am sharing this with the intent of helping you see that lack of assertiveness in the bedroom is not a weakness unique to your husband by any means. Don't take it personally. I hope that you can talk to him about this and get him to step out in faith and go past his comfort zone. It will be awkward at first, but even though being aggressive will not seem genuine at first, it will start to come naturally. So what if it seems hokey -- that's Ok. Falling in love, getting married and having sex is not about being comfortable. And you will still appreciate his sticking his neck out for you.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: Wife watching porn

Postby countrygentle71 » Tue Nov 15, 2016 7:29 pm

Here is a couple of thoughts,
1) from the Word of God Psalms 119:9-11 in Kjv Bible.
2) You can go to your Pastor's wife or a Godly Lady in your Church that can talk to you and help keep you be accountable.

I wouldn't go to your Pastor but to his wife. He may have his own temptations he is a man too. I've known many Pastor who have fallen to porn or Adultry and lost their ministry and family.( temptations are not sin until you yield to them Example of David and Bathsheba, Jesus himself was tempted ) The main thing is when Satan begins to tempt you, Flee from it and run to God's Holy Pure Word! I believe the King James Version is God's Holy Word (other versions are man changed and man made to their ideas)

I just prayed for you! God Bless!

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Re: Wife watching porn

Postby ledgemoor » Tue Nov 15, 2016 9:25 pm

countrygentle71, welcome to TMB. Thanks for your prayers for TMB members.

countrygentle71 wrote:I believe the King James Version is God's Holy Word (other versions are man changed and man made to their ideas)
Which edition of the KJV are you referring to? :-). And what if you're not an English speaker? I encourage do some of your own research on how the scriptures we have today came to be. Not knocking the KJV. It has its place, especially since there are so many study tools keyed to it. But it's not the only source of God's word by a long shot.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: Wife watching porn

Postby Leah » Tue Nov 15, 2016 10:54 pm

Please, no derailing. This is cev's story. Side topics can get their own threads.
Leah

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Re: Wife watching porn

Postby ShaunTheSalvo » Wed Nov 16, 2016 3:52 pm

May I offer some advice as a man who has struggled with this very issuer (pornography). My opinion is that putting locks/password etc on your computer as a way to avoid looking at porn is about as effective as stopping myself from eating chocolate by putting the chocolate bars at the back of the fridge, hidden behind something else. (By the way, I don't really have a chocolate addiction, it's just an analogy :) ) Or stopping an alcoholic from drinking by putting the bottle in a locked cupboard, and telling him where the key is.
What I'm saying is that sooner or later, the temptation to view porn may get so strong that the "safeguards" that are put in place will be defeated. Take it from me - I put porn blockers etc on my computer, and deceived myself into thinking that solved the problem. That lasted about 3 days. Virtually any "blocker" program or mechanism is relatively easy (if not very easy) to circumvent or disable, then get my fix watching porn, and then re-enable the "blocker". Blocking programs just make it harder to view porn, but they don't deal with the real issue
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but the root problem is the addiction that has been created. That is what needs to be dealt with. It's not easy, but it can be done, and I believe can only be done with God's help.
Definitely take the matter to Jesus in prayer, and seek His help in getting free. "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." (John 8:36)
Be ruthless in dealing with the problem. Do whatever it takes. Over the years, I even thought about taking steps like getting rid of the internet altogether, or even getting rid of my computer, smartphone or tablet (and just switch to a plain mobile that just takes calls and text messages only). I'm not suggesting you do that, but the thought had crossed my mind several times.
Get accountable. Find a trusted friend who will hold you accountable without judging and condemning you. I have confided in my closest friend - a man who attends my church - and have given him permission to ask me any time how I'm doing in this area, and have promised to be truthful in my response.
I write this from the perspective of a man who has NOT fully got free yet. I still struggle with temptation; my DW is not as sexual with me as I'd like - and I still fall now and then myself. But don't give up. God is so much more merciful and gracious than I can imagine - He still loves me and shows me His love and mercy, after struggling with this issue for ages.
Praying for you. May God bless you and your DH.

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Re: Wife watching porn

Postby cev » Mon Nov 21, 2016 1:00 pm

Thank you all for the helpful advice. Talking to my pastors wife is not an option, as I sincerely believe she might faint at such talk.
I am seriously considering telling DH about my problem. I see that as going one of two ways; he will think I am more of a freak than he did before, or he will be understanding and hold me accountable. He has never called me a freak, and has denied that he thinks that way, but at the same time he thinks/ thought his sex drive was normal, and mine was abnormal. The biggest problem for me is not so much telling him about the porn watching, but telling him that I masturbate while watching it. The thought of telling him that almost makes me sick at my stomach. DH has denied ever masturbating in his life, and I believe him. Besides, why would a man that had no sex drive want to masturbate? DH has watched porn on TV before, but and we have watched it together a couple of times, and he was not appalled by it, and it did not excite him the way it did me. Once in a heated argument I told him that I had bought a dildo and was using it because I had to have some sexual release, and the fight stopped, his jaw dropped, and he walked away, and I felt incredible shame. DH refused me on Saturday night, which thankfully is a rarity now days, and I had hoped for a rain check last night, but when it did not happen I fell of the wagon again.

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Re: Wife watching porn

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Nov 21, 2016 1:42 pm

Have you spoken of being "tempted" even without giving details? Have you pointed out that you know that 1 Cor 7 is true, from experience? Would starting a conversation like that, where he then has a choice on whether to take the conversation further, be any help?
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

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Re: Wife watching porn

Postby ShaunTheSalvo » Sun Nov 27, 2016 6:27 am

Hi cev,
Just wanted to let you know I prayed for you and your DH tonight.
I can appreciate how it feels to want sexual release. Porn will never meet that desire. It lies and tells you it will satisfy you and meet a need that only God can fulfill.
Masturbation can't fulfill the desire either. It may certainly curb the physical urge. Christians tend to disagree over whether masturbation is a sin or not. IMHO the physical act itself is no more sinful than scratching an itch, but the lust and fantasising that invariably accompany it are what make it sinful.
If your DH is refusing to be sexually intimate with you, he IDs disobeying the Bible's very clear instruction in 1 Corinthians 7 that spouses should meet each others' needs, and not deprive each other (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). On the other hand, Christians should exercise self control over their physical desires rather than giving in to them (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8).
Again, please note I'm not writing from a "holier than thou" position. I'm going through the same struggle with my DW, and battling the sin of porn myself. Not easy, but something I can and must overcome.
Blessings. You're in my prayers.

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Re: Wife watching porn

Postby GuyIncognito2099 » Sat Dec 17, 2016 7:48 am

Hi cev - I hope and pray this post is helpful.

I'm a dude who has struggled with porn and masturbation since I was about 10 - to varying degrees of caring (since before my marriage, the Lord placed a real conviction on me). I'd like to recommend several things that I found were very beneficial to me.

For filtering software, I recommend K9 - it's free, and unlike most once you get a trusted person involved it is hard to get around. Set it up on your devices, add any website you can think of (and unfortunately, I'm sure you can remember some) using the 'website exceptions' area (never allow). It also has a keyword area to always block - which is very useful, as some pornsites can get around the block - but if the keyword is in the url, it won't (I would like to give specific examples, but not knowing others struggles/not wanting to derail your topic, that would better be done privately). After you set the program up, get your DH or a trusted friend to change the account to their email (or to an email you don't know the password to) and to a password you don't know/won't be able to guess.

I'd also STRONGLY recommend installing Covenant Eyes - it's accountability software, and would send reports (of whatever was viewed online) to whomever you choose (DH, or trusted friend) about once a week. It's a great service, and puts a lot of focus on repenting and accountability.

I'd do those two in concert.

I also think you should talk to your husband, and ask him to pray for you on this issue.

Hope this was helpful, and I'll be praying.

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Re: Wife watching porn

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Jan 09, 2017 8:09 am

You've been in my thoughts, how are you doing cev?
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story


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