I don't know what subject would fit.

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
doug-h
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I don't know what subject would fit.

Postby doug-h » Mon Nov 14, 2016 8:44 am

I dont want to do this, but I know I have to.

I stayed up last night searching out porn. Didn't really watch anything. I guess I was just looking for something "different". I just wanted to feel something, to control something, and the only thing I could control was failure, so I deliberately set out to fail.

I feel empty now, but I felt empty before, and I'm really struggling with my faith. I don't understand why I can't feel any joy or happiness, even when everything is as close to perfection as I imagine it can be.

hifromme67
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Re: I don't know what subject would fit.

Postby hifromme67 » Mon Nov 14, 2016 10:10 am

Doug- I am so sorry to hear you are struggling. Can you reach out to a sponsor or therapist?


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Re: I don't know what subject would fit.

Postby poetess » Mon Nov 14, 2016 10:12 am

Doug,

I learned a number of years ago that we tend to think that the Christian life means getting stronger over time. Eventually we can all but live without God, we are so strong. No, the maturing Christian life means more and not less dependency on God as time goes on (I'm speaking to myself here, as I'm forgetting it), knowing more and more how weak we are.

You know you are weak, brother. Run to Him. Read and reread Psalm 51, and make it your prayer. Thank God that He hears and answers.
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Re: I don't know what subject would fit.

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Nov 14, 2016 10:52 am

I have been in that place of seeking out "something" or "anything" to fill a need, even when I absolutely knew it was the wrong place to seek, it's not an easy place to be and we come away emptier. I am praying for you. Seriously, get in the Word.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: I don't know what subject would fit.

Postby seeking perspective » Mon Nov 14, 2016 11:18 am

doug-h wrote: I just wanted to feel something, to control something, and the only thing I could control was failure, so I deliberately set out to fail.


I understand this feeling. I've often sabotaged myself for various reasons: because failure was something I could control, because I wanted to ensure that I got what I was certain I deserved, because old patterns reasserted themselves, etc. I'm not always aware that this is happening, but when I am, I go to the Psalms. I just pick one at random and start reading aloud. It helps.

I feel empty now, but I felt empty before, and I'm really struggling with my faith.


Part of why it helps me to read the Psalms is that I am reminded that my own struggles are nothing new to humanity. The Psalms connect me to so many others who've faced the same questions and moments of disbelief. That reassures me that there is something bigger than my own experience, and that helps keep my faith afloat when it wants to sink.

I don't understand why I can't feel any joy or happiness, even when everything is as close to perfection as I imagine it can be.


This is how I feel when my depression asserts itself. It wouldn't hurt for you to talk with a doctor just to rule out any medical stuff.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
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Re: I don't know what subject would fit.

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Nov 14, 2016 11:20 am

Looking back to what got us where we are, can help us in the future so we don't return to that place again. Is there a path, or do you recognize a path, that got you to the place you got? Can you see the places where you could have chosen something different, before you got to the place of seeking out porn (and this could be array of multiple things)?

Were there times you should/could have reached out for support or help earlier in the process? Were there certain "triggers" going on that should automatically put you on alert? How was your connection with the Lord (praying, in the Word, in fellowship with believers)?

You don't have to answer those questions here, but those are a start to help you think through and process, just so you are better equipped in the future.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

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Re: I don't know what subject would fit.

Postby hifromme67 » Sun Nov 27, 2016 10:18 am

Doug- How are you?


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