Opinions Please

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
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bigloop
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Re: Opinions Please

Postby bigloop » Tue Dec 06, 2016 2:39 pm

Yes it could be all those things dandelion. Time away from the porn will cure that contributing portion. There is a thing called "porn induced ED." It is one of the main reasons secular efforts against porn exist. It can be overcome, it is not permanent and it is NOT because of any lacking on your part. It is a brain chemical imbalance basically that should right itself with increasing sobriety from porn. It wouldn't hurt to even try a short period of total celibacy for him. Some call it "the 90 day reboot." Some have found that very beneficial.

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Re: Opinions Please

Postby doug-h » Tue Dec 06, 2016 3:08 pm

DL,

It could be any number of things. You mentioned alcohol, and that is a really big one. It could just be psychological, and again, any number of things can play into that. I run into it from time to time, and I am sure that I don't have a physical problem. On a rare occasion, I have what I can best describe as an adolescents physical reaction, and on other rare occasions, it doesn't work at all. The norm is somewhere in between. Sometimes I recognize the cause, ie. lack of sleep, a bit too much to drink, or any number of causes. Sometimes it is just stress. Losing an errection twice in one session isn't surprising to me. If anything, I would say that the first attempt is probably the most likely indicator for me, so if there was any improvement after a focused physical stimulus, I wouldn't really expect it to last beyond that, in my case.

Another thing that might play into it is guilt or shame. That can be a pretty serious damper on esteem.

Ok, just said way more than I care to about that subject :)

Might just be time for a physical checkup for your hubby. I seriously doubt that it has anything to do with porn, or you, 5 months after the fact.

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Re: Opinions Please

Postby Job29Man » Tue Dec 06, 2016 4:44 pm

bigloop wrote:
Job29Man wrote:YOU get to determine when he gets release, not him.


Uhh Job- you may wanna rethink this statement a little bit?
:lol: :lol:

Oh, yeah... OK, well he has "some" say in his timing! :lol:
But seriously, if the wife isn't being satisfied and she doesn't want him to m. without her, then that's her call and he must comply. So that's what I mean the she determines when he gets release. In a marriage where the wife isn't depriving the husband then the husband's sexual gratification should come at the discretion of his wife.
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Re: Opinions Please

Postby bigloop » Tue Dec 06, 2016 5:10 pm

Job29Man wrote:... husband's sexual gratification should come at the discretion of his wife.


Man, you can't keep from stepping in it can you!

I would rather say that in such a mutually edifying marriage that sexual gratification would be a mutually decided thing with grace offered both directions in all situations. Unmerited favor.
....but that's just me....
But, yeah, is she doesn't want him to masturbate, then he should consider that seriously.

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Re: Opinions Please

Postby Medic » Tue Dec 06, 2016 5:14 pm

Dandelion_lawn wrote:I don't want to make this worse for dh, but I can't help but think of how he told me that one thing he liked about porn was the super hard erection.


He may be dealing with the outfall of pornography and he may feel very guilty/ashamed for things such as that. He needs to work through them... however IMO this is not the type of thing he should be telling you or that you should be asking. Honesty is a must (such is dear I sinned or I faced temptation but did not give in today), but he will need a guy he can talk to about the details.

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Re: Opinions Please

Postby Job29Man » Tue Dec 06, 2016 5:29 pm

bigloop wrote:Man, you can't keep from stepping in it can you!


No. With respect. It is you who cannot avoid stepping in it.

big loop wrote:I would rather say that

You are correct to stipulate that this is just your preference, your feelings. For it is not justified in Scripture.

bigloop wrote:if she doesn't want him to masturbate, then he should consider that seriously.

I disagree 100%, because of the Biblical principle of 1 Cor 7:1-5. He does not have the authority over his own body to simply "consider that seriously." Consider it seriously is modern N. American culture. The Bible says that (assuming she is not depriving him) then he doesn't have the final say over whether he gets to masturbate. That authority rests in his wife, not himself.

If you are going to maintain it's just a "consider it seriously" kind of thing, then you just took the teeth out of "do not deprive one another" and left it up to individual discretion.
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Re: Opinions Please

Postby OldMarriedLady » Tue Dec 06, 2016 5:59 pm

doug-h wrote:You mentioned alcohol, and that is a really big one.

DH's doctor told him that even one or two drinks in a night can have a bad effect on erection quality or ability, and we have found that is quite true. DH is on testosterone replacement therapy, but if he drinks too much, he will almost always have equipment failure.
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Re: Opinions Please

Postby bigloop » Tue Dec 06, 2016 6:05 pm

Point taken. We should read the entirety of the scripture and apply it. Not just a verse here and there. He should consider it a serious thing for him to address with her. But it is a slippery slope to take such a black and white position as "final authority." If my wife says she doesn't want sex with me, and since she has the authority over my body, then she has the authority to tell me when, where, how and how often I can share it with her - right? Or, on the flip side, I can tell her what she must do with hers for me - yet you just earlier advocated against that too.

Absolute authority leaves no room for grace. Otherwise a husband would have every right to ask for and receive sex on demand. Or a wife to meter it out like a faucet dripping water - not denying it, just controlling it. Do they have that right alone?

Show me a scripture that specifically speaks against masturbation. It ain't there. Lust yes, but not simple masturbation. The 1 Cor verses are talking about sex between spouses, not individual masturbation. To extend them to M is a stretch if one chooses. It's certainly worthy of discussion and yielding to her desires gracefully if that is what is best for them.

And if I have authority over my wife's body, she should yield to my desires for her hairstyle, my proposed plastic surgery for her, etc, etc. And I must yield to her's over similar matters - assuming she chooses to take such positions. Where does the authority end? Where does grace begin? Any room for compromise or understandings? My wife has told me to masturbate and "take care of myself" before. I refused. Was I wrong? She has authority over my body.....??

The whole point of that that paired authority scripture is to instill a mutually giving relationship that demands compromise - otherwise the only time there would be peace is if the two happen to have the exact same desire for all things, all times - especially sex. There is no such command to match desires - lest we would all fail miserably - just a command to compromise and not deny ultimately and apply grace to all facets of the relationship - sex included.

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Re: Opinions Please

Postby Medic » Tue Dec 06, 2016 9:39 pm

bigloop wrote:Show me a scripture that specifically speaks against masturbation. It ain't there. Lust yes, but not simple masturbation .... It's certainly worthy of discussion and yielding to her desires gracefully if that is what is best for them.


I know I am naming the same book.... in the same thread... a second time, but the book "Sex, Men, and God" By Douglas Weiss offers an excellent Christian take (not if right or wrong) but rather why men masturbate and what scripture does and does not have to say. Only mentioning as it is worth the read and again as the OP's husband may find it a very revealing read (I know I did... it made me think a lot about why I do things).

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Re: Opinions Please

Postby Job29Man » Tue Dec 06, 2016 9:56 pm

bigloop wrote:If my wife says she doesn't want sex with me, and since she has the authority over my body, then she has the authority to tell me when, where, how and how often I can share it with her - right?

Absolutely not! You have misunderstood 1 Cor 7:1-5. Let's review...

7 Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me:

It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:1-5


The focus of this teaching is that abstinence is an exception in marriage and is ONLY authorized when BOTH spouses agree that it is what should happen. If your wife tells you "I'm going to use my authority to order you to take your body away from mine, and not to touch my body", then she is forcing abstinence on you in a one-sided way. You see the Scripture here says that both must agree to abstinence.

Bigloop wrote:... a husband would have every right to ask for and receive sex on demand. Or a wife to meter it out like a faucet dripping water - not denying it, just controlling it. Do they have that right alone?

What you describe here is not a loving marriage, but a contest, an adversarial relationship. According to the Bible the marriage is to be characterized by loving care, respect, understanding, consideration, and the "grace" you keep referring to (but don't really define).

It's like saying "If God tells me to obey His commands it must mean He's treating me like a worthless slave, there just to do His arbitrary bidding." No, we obey a holy and loving God because we love Him and want to please Him. Obeying His commands is not onerous, not unpleasant.

In the same way two Spirit-filled believers are to give themselves wholly to one another, and (according to the above verses) NOT deprive one another in the marriage bed. This is also not onerous, not unpleasant.

bigloop wrote:Show me a scripture that specifically speaks against masturbation. It ain't there. Lust yes, but not simple masturbation.

I never said the Bible forbids masturbation. You are putting words in my mouth and arguing something I did not say. Go back and read my precise words, which I chose very carefully.

bigloop wrote:And if I have authority over my wife's body, she should yield to my desires for her hairstyle, my proposed plastic surgery for her, etc, etc.

That's silly. The context of the verses is clearly about sexual intercourse, PIV sex. It has nothing to do with grooming, or surgery.

bigloop wrote:There is no such command to match desires

You are really on a roll aren't you? Please quote anyone here who has said God commands us to "match our desires"?!
The command of the Spirit in 1 Cor 7 is to "not deprive." Where do you get "match desires" out of that? I've only seen that logic used by people who think that it is always necessary to "feel the desire" before one accommodates one's spouse in the marriage bed.

Big Loop, is something wrong? You've just argued against some things here that no one has said. Makes me wonder if you are just venting about something in your real life?
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Re: Opinions Please

Postby bigloop » Wed Dec 07, 2016 9:18 am

Written words have limited ability to convey tone or sarcasm or tonal absurdity meant to make a point. I know the scriptures very well. Those questions are rhetorical and meant to cause introspection. Not that I didn't understand or don't know the Word.

My thoughts were simply meant to bring out what could be possibly seen as hypocrisy in some of your words. Perhaps you chose to overlook my final paragraph. In your response you chose to not address the aspects of grace I brought out. It would seem you missed my point.

When you make a statement like "she has absolute authority...." and "she gets to say when he gets release...", that means something. Yet then tout scriptures that speak to mutuality and not denying - it does seem hypocritical. It can't go both ways - which is what my final point is.

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Re: Opinions Please

Postby Job29Man » Wed Dec 07, 2016 1:38 pm

bigloop wrote:When you make a statement like "she has absolute authority"
I never said that.

What I said was...

Job29Man wrote:...he doesn't have the final say over whether he gets to masturbate. That authority rests in his wife, not himself.


You may think it's the same thing, but I chose my words carefully for a different nuance. You erased my nuance, and made it "literally absolute."

If you are going to quote me, I'd request that you use the quote button feature instead of changing my words and putting quote marks around it and attributing it to me.

I did note your use of the word "grace" by calling attention to the fact that you didn't define it. Therefore I missed the point of you bringing it up.

Even so, the concept of grace does not change the fact that you misinterpreted 1 Cor 7:1-5 to mean that one spouse can tell the other spouse to not have sex with them. I showed how that is in error. Grace doesn't change your misinterpretation of the passage.
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Opinions Please

Postby bigloop » Wed Dec 07, 2016 1:55 pm

I know what the passage means Job. I was being absurd on purpose.

I apologize for the slight misquote. I guess I'm just too lazy to go get a sentence here and there.
However, I fail to see much difference in "absolute authority" and "final say."

I do know this - I'm turning this dog loose. (Prov 26:17)

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Re: Opinions Please

Postby Job29Man » Wed Dec 07, 2016 8:28 pm

bigloop wrote:I'm turning this dog loose. (Prov 26:17)


Sooooo! It was YOU! You let the dogs out! (woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!) :lol:
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