Wife's role in husband overcoming porn

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
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Shenonymous
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Wife's role in husband overcoming porn

Postby Shenonymous » Wed Mar 08, 2017 4:10 am

Hi everyone, some of you might have read my other thread (Husband's moves turning me off). I wanted to start another thread here, as I am feeling more and more confused about my role as a wife in helping DH overcome his enslavement to pornography. It's been over a month now since he last looked at porn (start of Feb), but I still struggle to feel hopeful. I recently read "Every Heart Restored", by the people who wrote Every Man's Battle. It was incredibly helpful, and eye-opening. And by that I mean, I am now starting to see more and more ways his porn use has affected our marriage and sex life (and even his relationship with God, although I don't see that from the inside). As I see these things, I realise just how far we have to go in healing. That it's not as simple as him just "not looking at porn". Stopping the porn use is the first step, but there needs to be active healing of the wounds.

My confusion centres around my own role as a wife... Do I make an effort to keep our sexual frequency up to reduce temptation for him, even though I have never felt more distant from him (because of the revelations I wrote of above)? Or do I back off and let him feel the distance so he feels motivated to pursue healing for our marriage? Do I check in with him and how he's going in the battle (I have been)? Or do I give him some space? Is it helpful to indulge his fantasies and desires? Or is that just fueling the porn addiction?

Pretty much the only thing I know I should do is pray for him, and I have been trying to do this more consistently.

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Re: Wife' role in husband overcoming porn

Postby SeekingChange » Wed Mar 08, 2017 7:08 am

What is he doing to help himself break this?

For you, I would ask him what he feels he needs from you to help him be victorious. You have to be very careful not to put his rise or fall on your shoulders. I personally don't think it's best for a wife to keep her husband accountable because strife enters in because she can start acting like his mother, or his head.
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Re: Wife' role in husband overcoming porn

Postby seeking perspective » Wed Mar 08, 2017 8:11 am

Start by reading First Steps in Battling Pornography. It is written by a wife who has walked this journey herself.

A wife should not be her husband's accountability. He needs another man--someone who will challenge him and who he won't be afraid of hurting if he confesses a temptation or a backslide.

I think it would be wise to pursue healing and connection in your relationship. Aim for regular and frequent connective sex, even though it may be difficult for you right now. Keeping it fairly vanilla and without quickies might be best for a few months. It gives you both the physical benefits of sexual activity and helps you focus more on emotional connection during your encounters. This may be a big part of what you need in order to feel safe and connected to him. If his porn problem has been a way to avoid emotional intimacy, this may be a challenge for him--but it also may play an important role in helping him heal and develop a sense of what a godly healthy sexual intimacy is like.
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Re: Wife' role in husband overcoming porn

Postby Nvr2Late » Wed Mar 08, 2017 10:53 am

Do I make an effort to keep our sexual frequency up to reduce temptation for him, even though I have never felt more distant from him (because of the revelations I wrote of above)? Or do I back off and let him feel the distance so he feels motivated to pursue healing for our marriage?
Do I check in with him and how he's going in the battle (I have been)? Or do I give him some space?
Is it helpful to indulge his fantasies and desires? Or is that just fueling the porn addiction?


1. I would suggest keeping what has come to be a level of normal frequency for you, if you can. I understand feeling distant.
Backing off is more likely to give him justification for pursuing porn use more. (I have followed another one or two of your posts, but I do not recall if you've said he's working a recovery program or just "quit"?)

2. I agree with the others, you should not be his accountability partner. I'd give him space. Nothing good can come of you asking "that question" at this point in his recovery from porn. Until he has a humble and repentant heart, this will just tick him off and drive another wedge between you.

3. It is NOT, IMO, helpful for you to indulge in his fantasies and desires. Some of the things I've gleaned from your other posts indicate he has a dysfunctional and skewed desire for huge breasts to the extent that he would let you have dangerous surgery to enlarge your already DD+ ladies. That was a huge red flag for me :shock:

What if YOU had the fantasy that he needed a larger penis? Would he be willing to have surgery to make this happen? What if you abhored a hairy body and he was hairy? Would he begin waxing or shaving his entire body each day to make your fantasy come true? I think you see my point.

He has a lot of re-thinking, repenting, and re-learning to do. I myself believe that a program such as S-Anon for you and SAA for him might be a good place to start that journey. But there are other resources.

What is going to make him pursue healing for your marriage is first, repentance and turn to the Lord in humble sorrow and determination to change.
He's caught in a web of deceit and brain-altering activities (or was) and is letting your marriage bed and his own sexuality be informed by perverse X rated images that he indulged in for - how long? If you haven't been to yourbrainonporn.com, please go. Ask him to read it.

Pretty much the only thing I know I should do is pray for him, and I have been trying to do this more consistently.
Yes!! And as I mentioned above, possibly consider looking into a sex addict's partner recovery program, and also Boundaries work.
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Re: Wife' role in husband overcoming porn

Postby doug-h » Wed Mar 08, 2017 12:29 pm

I would like to add that you really shouldn't be his accountability. That would likely be unhealthy for you, and might even lead him to feel he is under a microscope.

I think for your own wellbeing, a respectful distance from the issue might be best. I don't say that in the sense that you want to sweep it under the rug, but you don't need constant reminders either.

A role you could play would be to encourage him to seek allies, either in a recovery group. counseling or something along those lines. Even that should be done with enough emotional separation so that you are not overly discouraged if you meet some resistance.

The man you describe seems to have some pretty significant issues, and despite his best intentions, he will likely struggle without honestly repenting, and even then it will likely take time.

One thing that you could do, is to print off a few articles, that describe a wife's feelings. I don't want to judge, but I wonder exactly what he sensed from you on th subject. I got anger often from my wife, and it was ineffective at softening my heart. If anything, it only strengthened my excuses and justification. Coming here and reading other women's words, the ones that she didn't know how to speak because of the walls she had built, changed me completely. I dont think a generally good willed man wants to put their wives thru the pain and heartache that we do. I really had no idea the damage I had done, or the hurt I had caused, until I heard it from complete strangers. That might seem disingenuous, but it is true.

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Re: Wife' role in husband overcoming porn

Postby Shenonymous » Wed Mar 08, 2017 4:24 pm

SeekingChange wrote:What is he doing to help himself break this?

He is sporadically reading through the "30 Days Without Porn" ebook, put out by triple x church.

SeekingChange wrote:For you, I would ask him what he feels he needs from you to help him be victorious.

Well, I did ask him that a month ago, which is what lead to his comments (mentioned in my other thread) about increasing frequency, variety and trying to "naturally" increase my breast size. So, I don't know if I can trust his answer to that question to actually be something that will help him be victorious, as opposed to just what he feels like he wants.

seeking perspective wrote:A wife should not be her husband's accountability.

I have asked him to find a male accountability partner, but he has asked me to be "it" for now. I don't like this, but what can I do? I can't make him find someone else...

seeking perspective wrote:Keeping it fairly vanilla and without quickies might be best for a few months.

Thank you, that is helpful. The problem is that DH is not content with "vanilla" for very long.

Nvr2Late wrote:Nothing good can come of you asking "that question" at this point in his recovery from porn.

He doesn't mind me asking, even appreciates it, he says!


Nvr2Late wrote:he has a dysfunctional and skewed desire for huge breasts to the extent that he would let you have dangerous surgery to enlarge your already DD+ ladies. That was a huge red flag for me :shock:

Yes, the breast discussions were a huge red flag for me, that more damage has been done to his brain/sexuality than I initially thought. One of the other things he really wants me to do is to use a "[vagina] pump" - it's purpose is to enlarge the vulva and (supposedly) increase sexual sensation. He still encourages me to do this, despite the fact that I have told him before it hurts/is uncomfortable. I have given it multiple attempts (including just a few nights ago!) but have decided to stop. It occurred to me the other day that earlier on in our marriage, he would have dropped the request immediately once I said it hurts. The fact that he is now telling me to "push through" the discomfort tells me that this is more about the fantasy for him than my/our pleasure.

Funnily enough, this is not a desire (for an enlarged vulva) that was sparked by porn, although he has at times searched for this in porn. He said this desire was sparked after I gave birth to my first baby and was walking out of the shower (that heavenly, post-birth shower!), he saw how swollen everything was "downstairs" and really liked it.

He uses a penis pump for himself and wants to make his penis larger. I have no idea if they work like that long term, but it certainly does immediately afterwards. This is all of his own volition - I liked his penis the way it was just fine. So arguments about "how would you feel if I wanted you to have a larger penis?" fall on flat ears, because he is already working to that end!

doug-h wrote:One thing that you could do, is to print off a few articles, that describe a wife's feelings.

Thank you, that's a good idea!


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