Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
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Paul B
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Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby Paul B » Wed Mar 29, 2017 2:12 pm

It's a simple question that can be very difficult to answer. Sure it turns us on, makes us feel good, and makes masturbation great, but is that the only reason we do it? Is it the primary reason? If we dig, will we find other reasons for our porn use? Might we find reasons that have nothing to do with sex?

My own experience is a bit dated, but I'll toss it out once a few others chime in.
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby doug-h » Wed Mar 29, 2017 2:28 pm

For me, there were probably mixed motivations. Certainly from my first introduction at a pretty early age, sneaking a look at playboy satisfied a fascination with the female form, long before I even had an accurate concept of sex or how it worked.

That fascination followed me into adolescence and then adulthood. Later, as it became prevalent online, that remained, but it morphed into something different, and combined with other obsessions. It became very much about the search for the things that I was drawn to, and the possession of them. I was very particular about both content and my impression of quality, so as media changed or improved, I would regularly start over with my collections. Also, individual websites content would evolve into something that either attracted or lost my attention, and my cycle would start over.

Ocassionally I would even get disgusted at the amount of time I was wasting on it, and decide my time could be better spent, but those times never lasted long until I became convicted of the sin aspect of it.

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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby Cayenne » Wed Mar 29, 2017 2:42 pm

I'm a woman who has never used porn myself, so I can only say what my husband has told me and what I have observed in him. My husband had avoided porn for most of his life until he was falsely and publically accused of significant wrong doing. His own defenders accused him of doing many vile things in an attempt to crack him, including porn, in terminology he didn't even know the meaning of. It shook him deeply. After 7 years of degrading accusations, he was emotionally broken. His self confidence was the lowest it had ever been in his life. Then, at the end of the 7 years, even though he was finally cleared of wrong doing, that very month we ran into some family challenges which included a supposed friend trying to pit my husband and I against each other over some other issue which amounts to foolishness- but was very painful at the time. While I was emotionally locked down trying to deal with my own pain, my husband stumbled onto porn on the internet and was simply trying to medicate his wounds... only the guilt made them worse and he found himself in a vicious 3-year cycle he didn't know how to stop until I caught him. He's been clean ever since, never acted like he was addicted in his recovery. He's going on 18 months clean. His confidence is finally returning. He has learned that the method of medicating himself was only perpetuating the downward spiral. He says the porn never had anything to do with sex or me personally, although I can tell you that during his use he began to misinterpret me in some ways that also contributed to the perpetuation of the problem. I believe that for my husband, porn use boiled down to this: lack of self confidence, hopelessness, a perceived destroyed reputation, and a feeling of failure at life.
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby jokerman » Wed Mar 29, 2017 3:30 pm

The gambling addict is doing a compulsive activity, sometimes for hours on end and always to his harm, because it allows him to forget all the other mundane, depressing, boring or fear-inducing aspects of his normal life. And he's hoping for a payoff, sometimes a very large one. Winning money feels incredible, losing money fills him with a shame that he can't describe. And the shame feeds his self-esteem issues which more than likely will compel him to gamble some more.

I think the template works, more or less, with all the other addictions: booze, illegal drugs, prescription drugs, porn, food, shopping, television, videogames, romance novels, even hobbies. We can argue which ones are most hazardous.

There are holes in people's lives. Anxieties, fears, frustrations, boredom, insecurities, loneliness, relational issues. Porn soothes those, or at least makes you forget those negatives for an hour or three. On the surface, it's about sex (just as gambling, on the surface, might be about one's love of card games or horseracing) but there's also a huge part that isn't about sex at all. It's about establishing a sense of control, of replacing real intimacy with the false intimacy of a video image that will perform for you, how you want, when you want, and as often as you want. That's the hook, but the payout is always lousy, like in the casinos.

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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby SeekingChange » Thu Mar 30, 2017 6:42 am

Are you specifically asking about videos and watching? Would reading novels, erotica or sexually related material, be the same? You know they say that a movie doesn't usually do the book justice.

Why was I sporadically drawn to certain types of reading.... It allowed escape. It provided feelings that the real relationship wasn't. It allowed to live vicariously through others. Even at times, I wanted to know that my body could still respond, because it wasn't under the difficult situations with the husband. I know it's all a false comfort and a false intimacy.

When is the temptation the strongest..... when things are off in the marriage. When I am not connecting with my husband. When I feel alone. When I start getting tired and overwhelmed and I feel there's no one there for me.
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby Paul B » Thu Mar 30, 2017 11:41 am

SeekingChange wrote:Are you specifically asking about videos and watching? Would reading novels, erotica or sexually related material, be the same?

Yeah, very much the same. Back when I was doing porn - the early 70's, one thing available were so called "Bedside books". These were basically porn movies as books. The plots were contrived and the characters two-dimensional. It was just a lot of sex expressed as words. In some ways, these were "better" than the still images of magazines. I only got my hands on a couple of them, but I could recall much of them if I put my mind to it.
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby Drob » Thu Mar 30, 2017 11:42 am

Well to be honest it was when my dw's sex drive bottomed out. I had looked at some Playboy mags as a teenager out of curiosity, there was no internet back then. But after our children were born she lost all interest in sex, I needed to feel something exciting and thought porn and erotic stories would fill the gap.

BTW I hesitated to share this for fear the wolves would attack. I don't blame my dw, I chose to go there but that was my motivation, a lack of fulfillment.

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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby SeekingChange » Thu Mar 30, 2017 11:55 am

Drob wrote:BTW I hesitated to share this for fear the wolves would attack. I don't blame my dw, I chose to go there but that was my motivation, a lack of fulfillment.

There seems to be some level of fear anytime we get vulnerable and allow others to see what's inside of us. Trust me, I know! :D But, anything that's brought into the light, the kingdom of darkness loses it's power, and God will use for His glory in your own life and in other's lives who come in contact with you. I'm glad you shared!
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby Paul B » Thu Mar 30, 2017 11:56 am

My exposure to porn came at 7 or 8 years of age. Initially, it was all about curiosity, learning about sex. It aroused me, but not as strongly as it would after puberty.

My heavy use was during junior high. It did make masturbation better, but I realise now both the porn and the very frequent masturbation were about more than my sex drive. I was a lonely kid in junior high, and porn and masturbation were how I medicated the pain of that. The summer before 9th grade I made some significant changes. Then I hit a high school with a freshman class of 1,200. I made friends and I felt way better about myself. I was still looking at porn and masturbating, but I was doing a lot less of both than a year earlier. So when I wondered if porn was wrong and God showed me it was, I was in a good place to walk away because my primary reason for doing it was gone.
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby Paul B » Thu Mar 30, 2017 12:01 pm

Drob wrote:BTW I hesitated to share this for fear the wolves would attack. I don't blame my dw, I chose to go there but that was my motivation, a lack of fulfillment. ... I needed to feel something exciting and thought porn and erotic stories would fill the gap.

I think that's a good, honest explanation.

We desire to have sexuality in our lives, and masturbation is not sexuality. Porn is, or at least it's close enough we can feel like it is. Porn takes "elevates" masturbation from an act of bodily elimination to something pseudo-sexual.

(That should get the wolves off you!)
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby Drob » Thu Mar 30, 2017 12:15 pm

[THUMBS UP SIGN]

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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby TJC » Fri Mar 31, 2017 4:56 am

I started like most young men out of curiosity, and later to fit in with the people I was around. I have always been socially awkward, especially with women, so frankly by the time I was in puberty MB to porn was just easier and safer than pursuing dating. In my marriage, when things were rough in the area of intimacy, it's just easier than going through the battle with DW, and making her feel like it's her fault for not meeting my needs. For a long time it didn't really matter to me since for 15+ years I felt I was cut off from God anyway. In that state who really cares? I just tried to keep the damage to a minimum.
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby tjw » Fri Mar 31, 2017 7:26 am

By the grace of God and no reason within me, I never got into porn per se, although there were quite a few pages of the Sears and Spiegel catalogs in the bathroom with pages stuck together when I was a teenager... so, I'd have to say I used porn in the essential sense.

TJC wrote:I have always been socially awkward, especially with women


Yes, me, too. I was a "geek". Actually, I'm now an old geek. I was 31 at first marriage. I never actually "dated" any girls except for a couple of times. I met the women who became my wives in the church.

TJC wrote:MB to porn was just easier and safer than pursuing dating.


Exactly. The rejection I would have faced would have done me far more emotional damage.

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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby tjw » Sat Apr 01, 2017 3:59 am

PaulB wrote:So far no one has said "My wife is not woman enough for me."


In my own case, my reason was that I believed I was not man enough for a real woman.

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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby Paul B » Sat Apr 01, 2017 11:11 am

I moved the rabbit trail I started here.
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby Paul B » Sat Apr 01, 2017 11:25 am

tjw wrote:
PaulB wrote:So far no one has said "My wife is not woman enough for me."


In my own case, my reason was that I believed I was not man enough for a real woman.

I think a lot of men feel that way. And I don't think women can grasp it.

Porn women are not desirable because of how they look nearly as much as for the fact they are easy to please. No worries about getting an erection or climaxing too soon. No fear of doing the wrong thing or feeling you failed because she didn't climax. No performance anxiety, no fear of failure.
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby tjw » Sun Apr 02, 2017 1:52 am

PaulB wrote:Porn women are not desirable because of how they look nearly as much as for the fact they are easy to please.


And in the porn I've seen, the scenario is the woman seducing the man. She wants sex with him. As a teenager with raging hormones, the Sears catalog women "looked back" with smiling eyes and faces as if they were seeing me as someone they liked. It didn't matter that I was a "geek" who wore a pocket protector instead of a letter sweater and carried a slide rule instead of a football. (showing my age :) )

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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby jsphrah » Sun Apr 02, 2017 11:50 am

My wife is inhibited in several areas of the marriage bed. When I look at porn (no, I'm not saying its right and yes I know its sinful), I mostly see women who are not inhibited and feel free and proud to express themselves in ways such as; showing themselves off to a man, self pleasuring and erotic verbal communications. I think that many Christian wives, in their minds, can't disconnect these type of things from thinking they 'come from porn' or thinking that they don't want to be 'slutty' (a term my wife has used when I try to communicate some of these desires and she replies she'll never be 'slutty'). Of course we as husbands don't want 'slutty'. We believe slutty is women who sleep around, or are prostitutes, etc. When we ask for these things in the marriage bed, we believe they are a healthy within the marriage bed. These inhibitions get translated by men as the wife not having desire or initiative to improve anything in the bedroom and are also heard as the usual "can't you just be satisfied with what you get?" or yes, they feel they can't measure up, so they don't even try to work on things. I have observed in 30+ years of marriage that these inhibitions are very difficult for a Christian wife to overcome and I'm not sure she will ever free herself to get past these things, even though I believe wholeheartedly that it would be freeing and beneficial for her as well as meeting some of my desires....I'll repeat what Drob said "BTW I hesitated to share this for fear the wolves would attack. I don't blame my dw, I chose to go there but that was my motivation, a lack of fulfillment." Just trying to speak from what my heart and brain are thinking when it comes to this conversation. And yes, I'll include what was already mentioned.....most porn shows women who 'appear' to WANT sex and are participating with passion and excitement.
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby Paul B » Sun Apr 02, 2017 2:26 pm

jsphrah,
Thanks for that, very well stated.

I think men have a God-given desire for a free, intimate, loving sex life that has plenty of frequency, playfulness, and exploring. Sadly most men don't find sex with their wife to be that way. This leaves them with an emptiness, a void. Porn doesn't really fill that, but it does a better job than anything else. It's a long way from what they want, but it feels better than nothing. (Which is neither a justification nor an excuse!)

I know a lot of wives think they can never be what their husband wants. Most of these women are dead wrong, they very much could be. Part of the confusion is thinking the porn is what he wants; IT IS NOT. Porn touches the edges of what he wants enough to hold him, but it's not what he wants. What he wants is to explore sex with the wife he loves. It's not about a particular destination, it's about the journey, and about doing it together.
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby Paul B » Sun Apr 02, 2017 2:48 pm

::news BTW, this week's TMB survey hits close to this - Do You View Porn?
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