Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby bigloop » Thu Apr 06, 2017 1:31 pm

Paul B wrote:But why do they need the porn? If they feel a need to climax they don't need porn. If they need porn to get there, they don't need the release. So there is more to it than what you offer.

More than physical release? Of course. Emotional connection, physical connection, shared desire ... the list goes on.

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby Paul B » Thu Apr 06, 2017 3:35 pm

bigloop wrote:More than physical release? Of course. Emotional connection, physical connection, shared desire ... the list goes on.

And porn doesn't provide those things, so a lack of them does not seem a logical reason to use porn.

Is it that porn is close enough a guy can lie to himself and pretend he's having some sort of sexual connection? Does masturbation with porn seem better than masturbation alone because it lies to us that we are doing something more than what feels a lot like brushing our teeth or going to the bathroom?
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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby TJC » Thu Apr 06, 2017 3:50 pm

Paul B wrote:But why do they need the porn?

Maybe it's just me, but I was going through a time recently, where I was reading forums in which wives were unrepentant in adultery. Not graphic type, but the type that, degrades the husband. The feeling and emotions I felt, were very similar to the ones I used to get from watching porn. A very masochistic , how much can I take type attraction. I compare it to what I imagine it's like for those who self-harm by cutting themselves, only on an emotional level. Feeling unworthy, I watched or read about the type of men these women were attracted to, knowing that was not me, I was too introverted and boring to warrant that from any woman. But I could imagine I was. I think it's close to why some husbands find attraction in being cuckolded. It says a lot about how dark my dark side is that I even know what that is. Anyway, it may just be me, take it for what it's worth.
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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby farmer1 » Thu Apr 06, 2017 5:43 pm

Paul B wrote:But why do they need the porn? If they feel a need to climax they don't need porn. If they need porn to get there, they don't need the release.

I would guess it's because the vast majority of people want to be loved and wanted. If you are not receiving affection and meaningful sex from your spouse at the level you desire, at least you can sneak a peak at it secretly thru porn. That's why I think it gets compared to alcohol and drugs. It's can seem to be medication for something missing in your life. It can seem to dull the pain and get you by. And just like drugs and alcohol be very damaging.

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby bigloop » Fri Apr 07, 2017 10:24 am

^^^ ......yep, well said.

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby doug-h » Fri Apr 07, 2017 10:48 am

While that sounds like it might have merit, I tend to disagree with that line of thought, at least where a true addiction is present.

In a general sense, especially from the outside looking in, it might appear to be replacing one thing with something else. I think the truth is that it is just to mask pain. There may be a thought process of "if I can't have that, then at least I can have.....", but I think that tends to be the justification we use, not the root.

Now, for a casual user who is not controlled, it may be closer to the truth, but for the addict, I think the problem exists much deeper than what that seems to speak.

I know that I masked pretty much everything, and whatever obsession I might find myself controlled by, was more about just hitting the off switch as far as my emotions were concerned. When they came to the surface despite the lengths I took to suppress them, they almost always manifest themselves as anger, and often what can only be described as rage.

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby Paul B » Fri Apr 07, 2017 11:06 am

farmer1 wrote:I would guess it's because the vast majority of people want to be loved and wanted. If you are not receiving affection and meaningful sex from your spouse at the level you desire, at least you can sneak a peak at it secretly thru porn.

Thanks, I get it.

I started looking at porn at 7. I never pretended those adult women were attracted to me. It was looking from outside, nothing more; I never put myself into the "story". I was 15 when I got out of porn, and I still was looking from the outside.

Maybe I had kept looking I would have started to put myself into when I became an adult. Then again, probably not. My fantasy life as a teen was also watching from the outside, I was never actually in the fantasy. It wasn't till I married Lori that my fantasies become first person
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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby Paul B » Fri Apr 07, 2017 11:10 am

doug-h wrote:In a general sense, especially from the outside looking in, it might appear to be replacing one thing with something else. I think the truth is that it is just to mask pain. There may be a thought process of "if I can't have that, then at least I can have.....", but I think that tends to be the justification we use, not the root.

That is always the difficulty understanding things like this. How accurate are people's self-perceptions? And how honest are they about those self-perceptions?
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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby bigloop » Fri Apr 07, 2017 11:30 am

doug-h wrote:While that sounds like it might have merit, I tend to disagree with that line of thought, at least where a true addiction is present.

In a general sense, especially from the outside looking in, it might appear to be replacing one thing with something else. I think the truth is that it is just to mask pain. There may be a thought process of "if I can't have that, then at least I can have.....", but I think that tends to be the justification we use, not the root.

Now, for a casual user who is not controlled, it may be closer to the truth, but for the addict, I think the problem exists much deeper than what that seems to speak.

I know that I masked pretty much everything, and whatever obsession I might find myself controlled by, was more about just hitting the off switch as far as my emotions were concerned. When they came to the surface despite the lengths I took to suppress them, they almost always manifest themselves as anger, and often what can only be described as rage.


^^^ also true. Also lived by yours truly.

Porn usage does morph into other things for some. It can get started in varying ways as well.

The brain chemical changes mimics opioid addiction. There can certainly be times when you feel you have no choice and the only thing that will turn the noise of in your head is to use. Thankfully I've never been addicted to any kind of substance like drugs or tobacco or anything like that. But I have heard the same descriptions from those that have fought those demons.
I will say I have viewed it when I didn't "want" to, but felt like I "had to". That's when it gets scary.

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby SeekingChange » Fri Apr 07, 2017 12:26 pm

Drob wrote:Does it matter if your wife knows, is ok with it and sometimes encourages it?

I may have missed an answer that was given... our spouses are not our standard nor our Judge. The world (which could be your wife) tells us and encourages us to follow the lust of our flesh and the lust of our eyes, and it fans our pride, that does not make it right and it definitely doesn't make it righteous and holy. Be obedient to the Word, be holy as God is holy. He is our standard. He is our judge.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby bigloop » Sat Apr 08, 2017 4:59 am

My wife encouraged or at least gave me freedom at one time as "can't you just go take care of that yourself?" She was talking simple masturbation but she didn't understand that the two are connected with me. After years of usage my log of memories are vast and readily available (though now after time and effort they are fading). What her words did though was fuel the fire of rejection which was and still is the main tinder. Rejection by a father is what started the transformation from boyhood curiosity to habit to addiction for me. Rejection is still the main instigator of temptations today. I just got ignored this morning. But luckily I have an engagement to attend early so I can move on. That's my part. And another difference is that I have gained faith in her that she will respond better later. That's her part.

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby tjw » Sat Apr 08, 2017 5:14 am

I never pretended those adult women were attracted to me.

By contrast, that was the very thing that made me look at the sleepwear sections of the catalog. The fantasy made the masturbation better. Although, I was not deceived that it was anything more than a fantasy.

Since I believed that no "real" woman would ever want me, and my life experiences "proved" that "truth" ( I accepted a "proposition" from a 50-year-old woman when I was 17, mostly out of curiosity and not of any desire I had to be with that specific woman), it was the "second-best" choice.

If I'm really honest about it now, at 64, and had it to "do over" ? I think I'd choose the fantasy and leave the real women to others. They don't "want" me in the way I want to be wanted. I know, they have other reasons, and chose me for those. But none of those reasons do anything FOR ME. And, it's too much work and responsibility for what I get out of it.

bigloop wrote:Rejection is still the main instigator of temptations today.

Yep. I'm not living in the awful place some guys are, with "refusers". My DW is not a "refuser", she will have sex with me once in a while. But it is more out of "duty" or "pity" than desire.... and it leaves me physically "satisfied" for a couple of days, but emotionally, I am completely unrequited....and, that's pretty much "where it's at" masturbating to "soft porn".

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby bigloop » Sat Apr 08, 2017 10:23 am

This is probably not the place to drill down in this so I will only scratch the surface - but a lot can be learned from what one gravitates to in their particular pornographic preferences. That has some power to tell you why you are looking if you pay attention and are willing to dig deep into yourself. I had a counselor have me do an exercise once that really brought things to the light of self awareness. Even those who get into what you could call the more deviant areas of porn are doing so for a reason. It may not be the most obvious one either.

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby TJC » Sat Apr 08, 2017 11:32 am

^^^^^^^What he said. It matters a lot.
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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby Tweed » Sun Apr 09, 2017 2:13 pm

Since SeekingChange mentioned reading erotica/sexual material, I'll chime in as a woman who was addicted to sex chat. I'm married to a refuser and while I take responsibility for my sin, I do believe my DH's consistent rejection AND refusal to get help was a major contributor to my downfall (1 Corinthians 7 mentions Satan gaining a foothold in the marriage if we abstain for too long.).

DH and I had been through several losses and his refusals wore on me to the point that being intimate with my DH was yet another great loss. It was actually insult upon injury because the other losses were outside our control, but having a sexless marriage did not feel outside our control (just outside my control!). I needed my husband to want and desire me and he simply didn't (still doesn't). After all the losses, sex chat became my drug of choice. It served a dual (or more?) purpose. There was never a shortage of men to make me feel desirable. Of course I knew the men I chatted with were only using me, but I was using them too. Honestly, during that season of my life there was so much darkness that sex chat also served as an escape from my reality; it numbed my pain. Again, I knew it was all temporary pleasure, but I didn't care anymore. It was my only felt relief.

Why have I stopped? It took a few years of me pleading with God to care, to deliver me from my hard heart, create in me a new heart, and renew a right spirit within me. I always knew it was wrong, but oh how difficult it can be to give up the only felt thing that gives you relief from the deep sorrows and unexpected disappointments in life, the pain of your husband not desiring you ever, and even provides a degree of sexual release! It was a long wrestling made more difficult by my DH believing only I was in sin, which of course meant only I was trying to change.

I still struggle with temptation to go and sex chat, especially when I feel the pain more acutely of my DH's refusal and I feel like Sarah being passed off by my "Abrahamic" husband to the "kings" of sex chat. It's easy to rationalize away righteousness when there's repeated personal offense, isn't it?

In my darkest moments I was keenly aware of my cold, hard heart. I needed God to take my heart of stone and make it flesh again because I knew willful change would only be temporary at best. This became a frequent prayer of mine based on Ezekiel 36:26 and I believe God continues to work in my heart, transforming it from stone to flesh.

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby doug-h » Sun Apr 09, 2017 6:24 pm

Tweed,

Thank you for sharing that. It takes a lot of courage to admit that.

There was a time that I frequented chat rooms. They were not really sex chat rooms, bit there was always the opportunity to "step outside" the room, into a private chat. By far, the majority of the time it was just innocent conversation, but at the same time, it was inappropriate on a number of levels. In my case, it did ultimately lead to a real life affair, but for myself, I was in it for the company and the conversation.

It is true, that when we are hurting, we often reach for things that only make matters worse, all for a temporary relief.

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby bigloop » Mon Apr 10, 2017 5:19 am

Looking back through this thread, I don't think it's been said but we must not forget or diminish the fact that sometimes, if not all the time, it is just Satan doing what he can to separate us from God by using our own carnal desires and selfish tendencies against us. All the things mentioned here - stress relief, anxiety release, pain attenuation, etc, are all actually lies propagated by the enemy of mankind. Sometimes it's just the sweet taste of sin we choose not to resist.
So I know that when I have looked, I have allowed Satan to win that battle. He only wins when I allow it. The victory is always at hand, the way of escape always there. We choose to ignore it and are defeated by our own lack of effort.

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Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby Cayenne » Mon Apr 10, 2017 1:26 pm

Bigloop, you make a good point about Satan. When my husband got tangled in porn, his shame was tremendous. He said he prayed for deliverance many times, and eventually came to believe another lie the devil wants us to believe - that God had abandoned him. The fact is, God hadn't abandoned him- he was just trying to fight a battle alone that is best won when shared with others who can stand beside us.
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Re: RE: Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby Tweed » Tue Apr 11, 2017 4:05 pm

doug-h wrote:Tweed,thank you for sharing that. It takes a lot of courage to admit that.

Doug-h, thank you for the encouragement.

doug-h wrote:They were not really sex chat rooms, bit there was always the opportunity to "step outside" the room, into a private chat. By far, the majority of the time it was just innocent conversation, but at the same time, it was inappropriate on a number of levels. In my case, it did ultimately lead to a real life affair, but for myself, I was in it for the company and the conversation.

Pretty much the goal of these rooms was to find someone to have a private sex chat with. I was also looking for company and companionship. Only by God's grace did my chatting not turn into a real life affair. I sympathize greatly.

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby doug-h » Tue Apr 11, 2017 4:43 pm

Tweed, I don't want to minimize what I did, but it was a long time ago. It is ok. It was in revisiting that time in our marriage, and my confession of the affair, that allowed us to rebuild and get to where we are now. We have a wonderful marriage now, and whatever regrets we each have from the past, only encourage us to continue to do better, and be better to each other now. We went thru some dark times, but it is in remembering that, that I appreciate what we have now, maybe even more than those who have not faced such difficulty. I feel truly blessed.


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