Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby jsphrah » Sun Apr 02, 2017 3:46 pm

Paul B, that's an EXCELLENT followup and addition to my post and all your points are spot on. Yes we want it with our wives as porn will NEVER fill that void....

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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby Drob » Sun Apr 02, 2017 5:35 pm

Great discussion guys, you are really putting everything in perspective. It's truly our wives we desire not porn. The feeling of being desired and wanted sexually by our spouses is very strong and when absent is emotionally stressful.

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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby jsphrah » Sun Apr 02, 2017 6:29 pm



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Re: Why do/did you look at porn?

Postby bigloop » Mon Apr 03, 2017 2:17 pm

"Why did I look" is probably not the right question. It is more of "why did I continue to look?" For a pubescent boy, the first "why" is like asking someone why did they look at that wreck on the side of the road? You are just compelled to do so. Hormonal curiosity. My father had it around, and I found it and I didn't know what it was at the time, but it made things tingle in ways I didn't understand. That was the beginning. I don't blame myself for that. I blame a father who had it around.

Now the question of why I continued for about 30 years is a whole 'nuther story. And that story changed plots several times according to what was going on in my life at that time. Early on it was simple. It felt good. It supplemented what felt good and made it feel better. As a young lad that didn't know any better, the answer is no more complicated. I liked pretty girls. I liked seeing them naked even better. I enjoyed my imagination trips. At some point this morphed into the imagining that they wanted to be with me. Then it began to change into something much more insidious. This fueled my early entrance into the sexual realm of real women. When I found them, I didn't "need" porn as much, but it was nice to have around when the hunt didn't turn out as well as I hoped. I was good hunter. But all of this started the course of thought that sex was what makes a man, "makes me". It was indeed a false intimacy you could get from porn girls. They always answered the call. You didn't miss on them. You could close your eyes a moment and transport into that world with ease and always come out pleasured. But you always came out hungry. It was like Chinese food - left the restaurant stuffed, but then two hours later you could eat a horse! All the while you do not grasp that you are carving ruts in your brain the depth of the grand canyon.

After marriage, porn remained an easy out. When my wife, who was rather sexual before marriage, became not so much sexual after the first couple years, the ease of the old patterns were comforting. I had this "need" to fill and if she wasn't going to fill it, this was here, it was easy, it cost me little to nothing now with the internet, so why not? It still felt good, it still supplied what it promised - sorta. A close copy at least. Reality will never match up to fantasy. You sooth that spot, scratch that itch. Unlike the wife, porn girls always said yes, always showed enthusiasm, always willing to try new things and were appreciative - even if all of this was in my mind. It was something I did not always get from the wife.

But eventually the cost becomes unavoidable. The rut becomes so deep you lose yourself in it.

The truth is I wanted my wife to be just like those porn girls and still be my wife. What a ::xx fool! Is there things she could have / can improve upon? Well sure. Just like I can improve on things. That's not the point. I was buying a lie and expecting it to be truth. Even when I knew it was a lie, I wanted it to be truth. Even as I was standing in the midst of my sin, and could see the wide open doorway to escape - the one with flashing neon signs saying "COME THIS WAY!", I would say to myself "no, I like it here better. I don't know what is on the other side of that door. At least here I know what I have." In reality I had NOTHING! That is what it will do to you. Make you fearful. I had become so accustomed to being under a pile of poop that I didn't think happiness could be found elsewhere. There is a name for that syndrome that I can't think of right now - but it's the same thing people who are held captive can fall into - because they think there is no escape. Even when they are offered escape, they don't take it.

Anyway.... Bottom line, I continued because I had little faith in myself. Period. What little I had was built on the wrong things. I will disagree with some things some men have said here on one level. Hear me out. I don't think that my wife could have done anything to get me out of where I was. She could have been as "slutty" or "sexual" as I wanted, but the truth is you can always find something, someone that is "more slutty" in the porn world. I would have just moved the bar up higher for her. "oh, so you'll do this.....ok. Lets see if you'll do this too..." Where would it have ended? It would not have. The truth is I was seeking intimacy in sex itself, in the act. That is NOT where intimacy is. Not solely. The act can be intimate. But the intimacy can't only be the act. I was looking for her to do the same things to me that they did and expecting the same feelings. It is a lie. A ::xx filthy lie! And it has nothing in it that smells of love.

Maybe my story is different than many seeing as how I was exposed to some pretty heavy stuff early on. But I am truly afraid of what children now days have access to and what it is doing to their minds. There is so much information on how the plasticity of the brain is reacting to high-speed internet porn. It is like comparing horse and buggy to Indy car when I think back to what I had. 70's vintage VHS was bad enough.

I understand what you're tying to do Paul- I think I do. If you want to show wives here that porn has nothing to do with them, then you are partially correct. In some cases more than others. For me, it started LOOOONG before I met my wife, so she had nothing to do with my start, and therefor not a lot to do with my continuance. But she did have a lot to do with my stopping. And that is where so many hurt feelings and arguments can arise - between spouses and even here on TMB.

No one really controls anybody. We allow them to "control" us. Wives can do little to forcibly change husbands behavior. But by acting in self-controlled ways, we can bring about predictable responses in others. When we learn to use this to the good, growth and prosperity follow. We all ultimately only do what we want to do. So the challenge is to make the right thing easy and the wrong thing hard.

Perhaps someone should start a thread on "why you no longer look at porn".

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn?

Postby MrsG » Mon Apr 03, 2017 5:00 pm

What a fantastic post Bigloop!! So insightful and relatable.

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn?

Postby OldMarriedLady » Mon Apr 03, 2017 5:06 pm

bigloop wrote:Perhaps someone should start a thread on "why you no longer look at porn".

That can be added to this thread.
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Re: Why do/did you look at porn?

Postby doug-h » Mon Apr 03, 2017 6:00 pm

In that case, I will be the first to post about why I no longer look at porn.

For me, it was just a nudge of conscience that quickly grew into full blown conviction. I had no relationship with Christ, and in fact would have denied him if asked. What I knew about the church was enough to make me despise Christians as a group. My initial thoughts on the matter were that I was wasting too much time on it. I had "quit" before, for the same weak reason, but it never lasted long.

I decided to read up on it, and of course there were any number of articles referring to it as an addiction. I pretty much dismissed that. Somewhere along my searches, I tripped over the Porn section on TMB, and started reading. There was one thread that just completely changed me.

Crippling pain

I read that, and several others that were similar in nature. After an evening of reading, I was convicted to never do anything that wold needlessly hurt my wife again.

It was the first step towards me accepting Christ. I was cordially invited to refrain from posting, and Dale ministered to me by PM and helped me find my way home.

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn?

Postby TJC » Mon Apr 03, 2017 6:45 pm

On the subject of why I no longer look at porn. Unlike doug-h, it had little or nothing to do with DW, or how she felt about it. It had been a part of our reality from the beginning of our marriage, and part of mine from the time I was old enough to know what it was, maybe before then? My desire to quit was because of how it impacted my relationship with Jesus. Every time I gave in I would spend days, some times weeks hating myself and unable to bring myself to even ask for forgiveness. This after starting over in my walk with Him approximately five years ago. How could I ask for forgiveness, with no confidence that I had the will to change? My first post here in December of last year was about this along with the struggles DW have with intimacy. At the time of that post I was desperate. I felt I couldn't ask for forgiveness, so I simply asked Him not to give up on me. I still struggle. I'm only 90 days being porn free, and I've been that long before so I think it will always be a struggle. I struggle against it because I'm convinced I am no longer my own, I was bought with a price. And I hate and despise myself when I disappoint my Master. I know how that may sound to some, but there it is. It did not start with my wife so how could my motivation to stop be my wife, however much I love her?
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Re: Why do/did you look at porn?

Postby Paul B » Tue Apr 04, 2017 12:48 pm

bigloop wrote: I don't think that my wife could have done anything to get me out of where I was.

Given what you have said, I would think you are right. However, had things been different, had your wife remained sexually engaged, is it possible you would not have ended up there? Might you have stayed clear of porn or used it to a lesser degree?

I'm trying to understand why married men use porn. I stopped using porn at 15, nine year before I got married. For a short time, we looked at some porn together, but I never engaged in solo porn use as a married man.

Thanks to you and everyone else for helping me understand. Because I'm male and have used porn, it's pretty easy once there are a few dots to connect.
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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby farmer1 » Wed Apr 05, 2017 1:36 pm

Kevin Leman in his book Sheet Music says says that men naturally like to watch. We are in some ways born voyers. I think that as young men porn feeds off of our curiosity and natural urges.
Somewhere along the line as we mature and marry the reasoning can shift. As others have stated I think for the Christian who knows better it can be tempting because it fills a void. My own wife is willing to "gift" me sex pretty much whenever. However I find that often that doesn't seem fulfilling. I want her to have her own wants, needs, and desires. That's the danger in porn. The women in porn look interested and pursue it for themselves.
Viewing porn can temporarily seem to fill the depressing void created by a spouse with no sex drive of their own. I think I have read that the fastest growing area of porn is the amateur​ stuff. I venture that is because many people realize and are turned off by how fake much of the professional porn is. Many are not tempted by the perfect bodies but by the allure of people who simply appear that they actually enjoy and want to persue sex. That's what I mean by it filling that void. It's like an obviously sinful medication.

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby bigloop » Wed Apr 05, 2017 1:42 pm

You hit the nail square farmer1

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Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby bigloop » Wed Apr 05, 2017 2:00 pm

Paul B wrote:
bigloop wrote: I don't think that my wife could have done anything to get me out of where I was.

Given what you have said, I would think you are right. However, had things been different, had your wife remained sexually engaged, is it possible you would not have ended up there? Might you have stayed clear of porn or used it to a lesser degree?

I'm trying to understand why married men use porn. I stopped using porn at 15, nine year before I got married. For a short time, we looked at some porn together, but I never engaged in solo porn use as a married man.

Thanks to you and everyone else for helping me understand. Because I'm male and have used porn, it's pretty easy once there are a few dots to connect.


Paul - had my wife stayed sexually engaged, things may not have progressed as much...maybe. It would be total supposition. Once you are inside that porn fueled mindset your perceptions are skewed. I don't know I would have done anything differently really. You have to go further back to understand. If I had not been involved with porn as heavily as I was, so many things would have been different. I may not be married to her. It is truly astonishing at how many things could have been different.
On the other hand, if she had not been sexual before marriage - and assuming we had married (which would then be a huge assumption)- I think she would have grown different sexually. That would have required me to have stopped at marriage.

In many ways, hypotheticals are meaningless in this area. It's impossible to guess.
Last edited by bigloop on Wed Apr 05, 2017 2:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby bigloop » Wed Apr 05, 2017 2:52 pm

Some things I know, about me at least. These things may be indicators....or not. The times I am most tempted now is:

1. When I feel desire but also have a good idea that my wife is nowhere near that mindset.
2. Soon after, like a few hours from a good sexual encounter with her. This is related to #1 as I am often in a state of high desire at these times. Once the pump is primed, the water wants to flow. I know she is not that way so #1 applies.
3. When I am under great stress or anxiety. #1 again applies....
4. If it's been 48 hours or more and I'm not fully engaged in something else. This is just physical pressure building up and the timeframe is not absolute but 48-72 hours is when the danger time begins. It might last or it might not.
5. When we are at odds for some reason. My wife is incredibly stubborn and willful. I'm working at breaking some of that up, but it ain't easy. I know intrinsically that my efforts to do so puts her off of any chance of a sexual mood.

Just seeing attractive women used to cause trouble for me but after time that faded in power. It's mostly my own self generated thoughts that cause trouble now.

At this point I will say she does have some impact on the level of my temptations and to some extent my ease of avoiding them - sometimes. #2 frustrates her. I understand why she feels that way but I'm no longer given to excusing her for it. I used to let that throw me down the spiraling black hole - a rather un-manly thing to do.

The single greatest thing that blows #1 up on me is when I make some move and get ignored or dismissed. Like I said, as have others, porn girls never say no. The power of that is impossible to overstate.

Wives have a directive from God. Submit to your husbands. The scripture does not say "husbands, seek submission from your wives." It does not say "husbands dominate your wives." In fact it's directive to husbands is "to love like Christ." But the action verb to wives is submission. That is not a passive offset to something the husbands are told to do. There is no doubt that the Lord knows what he is talking about. No doubt he knows wives will need to actively seek to submit. And husbands will actively need to seek to love sacrificially.

There is no doubt who is supposed to be dominant in the marriage relationship. There is no such thing as egalitarianism in a Christ following marriage. If you think otherwise then you are effectively equating the church with Christ. They are NOT equals. If that makes you mad, then consider with whom you are angry.

Sorry....didn't mean to get off on that rabbit trail...

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby poetess » Wed Apr 05, 2017 3:08 pm

Bigloop, re your rabbit trail: as someone who very much believes in headship/submission (and has seen the damage in marriages that don't operate that way) and who also thinks it can be great fun to have sex several times within 24 hours, I don't think this is a headship/submission issue. (Why would that be more "relevant" to this one than "Husbands, love your wives . . . "?)
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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby Paul B » Wed Apr 05, 2017 3:45 pm

poetess wrote:Bigloop, re your rabbit trail:

Before this eats the thread, I have given it a home here.
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Re: Why do/did you look at porn?

Postby TJC » Wed Apr 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Paul B wrote: However, had things been different, had your wife remained sexually engaged, is it possible you would not have ended up there? Might you have stayed clear of porn or used it to a lesser degree?

I have a somewhat unique perspective on this as I have dealt with it as a faithful Christian and as one who believed he was condemned to the lake of fire. When I believed there was no hope for me, it simply didn't matter what my wife did or did not do. There was a period during this time, that our sex life was everything I wanted it to be, yet I was still using porn. When I began to see hope in Christ again, usually it was only a problem if I saw myself falling away, or things with DW were not good, usually because she thought I was falling away. Lack of sexual engagement was part of it, but I think it was more my sensing she was becoming guarded in her heart towards me.
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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby bigloop » Wed Apr 05, 2017 6:48 pm

Poetess - I specifically addressed a lot of your question in the new trail Paul marked.

As for how it further applies to the question of this thread - it's a matter of which is easier - to lead an unwilling horse to water it doesn't want to drink or just avoid the task altogether? I was guilty of taking the easy way out much too often. At some point you just quit asking. Then the real problems begin. I began to abdicate my position completely. That only makes things worse.

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby bigloop » Wed Apr 05, 2017 7:01 pm

poetess wrote:(Why would that be more "relevant" to this one than "Husbands, love your wives . . . "?)


I'll speak to this here as I think it is relevant to the thread.

How many henpecking wives would you think are sexually generous?

How many sexually domineering men are sacrificially loving?

How many henpecked, beta husbands watch porn because it's just easier to get along that way?

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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby Paul B » Thu Apr 06, 2017 12:57 pm

bigloop wrote:How many henpecked, beta husbands watch porn because it's just easier to get along that way?

But why do they need the porn? If they feel a need to climax they don't need porn. If they need porn to get there, they don't need the release. So there is more to it than what you offer.
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Re: Why do/did you look at porn, and/or no longer look at porn?

Postby Drob » Thu Apr 06, 2017 1:15 pm

Does it matter if your wife knows, is ok with it and sometimes encourages it?


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