Article: Is it a bad idea to date someone who watches porn?

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Article: Is it a bad idea to date someone who watches porn?

Postby SeekingChange » Thu Mar 30, 2017 9:44 am

I thought this was an excellent and thought provoking article, with a lot of good questions to ask yourself and to ask the other person. We could probably replace any struggle/sin (sexual or otherwise) with the word "porn", and go through the same process.

For me, I can attest to the truth of it. Having walked through seeing my potential husband, who became my husband, beyond his struggle with porn. He definitely is a good man and a good husband, even with all his short comings. It also gave me hope for my own children, especially by sons. I have a friend who is very "anti-porn" and she strongly pushes to her daughters about guys, and to their potential boyfriends themselves, that if they have or had anything to do with porn, they are absolutely not welcome to start a relationship with her daughters. Not much grace there.

Is it a bad idea to date someone who watches porn?
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Re: Article: Is it a bad idea to date someone who watches porn?

Postby MayDayGirl » Thu Mar 30, 2017 10:58 am

This quotation from the article seems a bit simplistic to me: 'Watching porn isn’t good for a relationship or the viewer, while love is one of the best things that will help them break the cycle.'

I've never met someone whose 'love' for someone was enough to convince the other person to stop any sin. We had a very sincere Christian couple at our church divorce because the husband just couldn't break his addiction to porn (lost his job due to it, as well as all the lies he told his wife and kids).

I guess I would say proceed with extreme caution.

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Re: Article: Is it a bad idea to date someone who watches porn?

Postby SeekingChange » Thu Mar 30, 2017 11:09 am

The line you quoted does seem simplistic, yet we could take it very deep.

What makes us desire to be obedient to the Lord? Love. His love for us first, and then our love in return. I can see that being a motivator that will reach out into our horizontal relationships with people, and not just our vertical one with the Lord.

Maybe love wouldn't be a motivating factor, but I really could see that it could be. One thing that makes me fight my own spiritual demons, is for the love of my children and their children. I want to break those spiritual bondages so that they don't carry on to my kids/grandkids and become monsters in them. If one is trying to break this habit and become free from it (the reason to ask questions and find more about their story and where they are), I believe someone who is walking beside them and showing love, grace, mercy and forgiveness will have a much greater impact on their success and victory than someone who is casting judgement, condemnation and shame over them.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Article: Is it a bad idea to date someone who watches porn?

Postby Paul B » Thu Mar 30, 2017 12:06 pm

It's a good way to keep men from being honest about their porn use. If those who look at porn don't get dates, then you lie about your porn use. Of course, this is already the case for most Christians.
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Re: Article: Is it a bad idea to date someone who watches porn?

Postby Cayenne » Thu Mar 30, 2017 4:30 pm

Once upon a time I dated a man who watched porn. If he had seen it as a problem to turn away from, it would have been one thing, but he was defensive of it and didn't want to stop. We broke up shortly thereafter, for other reasons, and I am very glad I did not marry him. He was unwilling to even consider breaking the bonds of self in porn and in other areas as well.

Generally, I am not as concerned where a person has been as I am in where they are headed. Jesus forgives and I believe I should too.
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Re: Article: Is it a bad idea to date someone who watches porn?

Postby Learning1 » Thu Mar 30, 2017 6:19 pm

Cayenne wrote:Generally, I am not as concerned where a person has been as I am in where they are headed. Jesus forgives and I believe I should too.


^^^
This.

The topic of porn use or any other sin usually doesn't come up as a topic of conversation on many first dates or second, third, fourth dates etc. It's not like people say "would you like have dinner & a movie, oh btw I look at porn".

I do not believe it is a good idea to to date someone who is a chronic / habitual porn user or pursue a dating relationship if you are bringing chronic porn use to the relationship. There is a big difference between I have viewed porn in the past vs I am currently a habitual porn user and am not planning on changing my behavior

Many people on TMB have asked the question how to spot a future refuser, I think a good question is how to spot a chronic porn user. If the relationship is serious, one way would be to ask directly, hopefully someone has enough integrity to admit what they struggle with and how they are working to overcome that struggle.
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Re: Article: Is it a bad idea to date someone who watches porn?

Postby tjw » Fri Mar 31, 2017 2:34 am

I'm not so worried about "date". Where the rubber meets the road is the marriage. When a person is feeling the "highs" of being "in love", somehow, the judgement goes out the window.

The fact is, that porn use is detrimental to married sex, and your marriage will not be an exception.

The fact is, that your potential spouse is not going to change because he/she gets married. This has nothing to do with "love", nor with "having their needs met".

The fact is, like Dr. Phil says, "the most reliable predictor of a person's future behavior is his relevant past behavior".

The fact is, that other people who know your potential spouse over the long term have better judgement than you at this time.

The fact is, God can change anyone. The fact also is, that God does not change anyone against their will. Ever. No matter how much you sit in your prayer closet, ain't gonna happen until the person WANTS to change.

The fact is, porn use is essential promiscuity and becomes essential adultery in the marriage.

Learning1 wrote:If the relationship is serious, one way would be to ask directly, hopefully someone has enough integrity to admit what they struggle with and how they are working to overcome that struggle.


Yes, that is a very good start. My advice is this. Don't marry any "strugglers". From the moment you do, you will become ONE FLESH with the struggler and you will become a struggler too....except now you will be struggling with a sin for which you cannot find any "place of repentance".

Go to the friends of your potential spouse and be willing to ask the "hard" questions about his/her integrity in this statement. Ask his/her friends, pastor, counselors what he/she is REALLY like.

cayenne wrote:I am very glad I did not marry him. He was unwilling to even consider breaking the bonds of self in porn and in other areas as well.


Excellent point. A person who is self-centered does not make a good marital partner in ANY way.


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