RABBIT! From - Why do you look at porn?

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
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Paul B
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby Paul B » Sat Apr 01, 2017 11:07 am

Cayenne wrote:I unfortunately know a lot of divorced people, and almost all cite sexual sin as the ultimate demise of the marriage, the sin they could not get over.

Interesting how you phrase that. It sounds like other sins lead up to the sexual sin - and I think that is often the case. The couple drifts apart. Busyness eats away at their time together, and that means they feel less connected, less intimate. Being less intimate in turn makes sexual sin more likely.

To me, sexual sin is the ultimate betrayal of intimacy, but it is usually also an indication that the couple had very little intimacy left. Protecting intimacy makes sexual sins less likely.
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Cayenne
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Why do you look at porn?

Postby Cayenne » Sat Apr 01, 2017 11:11 am

Paul wrote: I gotta go with Jokerman here. Intimacy is way more than sex. I've heard people call their spouse's hobby or job "the other women/man". I will never forget the women who cried as she told us her husband loved his bass boat more than he loved her.


The traditional view of that part of the marriage vows was sexual in nature. It is only recently that people have included other things. My view of the vows has been mostly traditional. I do believe other things are important, never said they weren't. But to me, expressing a most painful private feeling I had, regardless of his intent, jokermans response was a slap in the face.

I'm not disagreeing with you on porn, I get how horrible and destructive it is - and I realise many men don't get that. But there are many non-sexual things that can hurt, cripple, or destroy a marriage.


I don't disagree that there are other things... however I was under the impression that this particular discussion was about porn. I didn't realize I had to qualify every statement I made. It becomes tedious to have a discussion. Please understand I'm not meaning this as an attack. I'm frustrated that a simple comment meaning to convey the depth of my pain resulted in what can be read above. I never intended to bring up alternate meanings of the marriage vow, stone throwing, levels of sin, what hurts more than other things, forgiveness, etc.
Last edited by Cayenne on Sat Apr 01, 2017 11:11 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Paul B
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby Paul B » Sat Apr 01, 2017 11:17 am

Cayenne wrote:The traditional view of the marriage vows was sexual in nature.

If you mean traditional the last few centuries, you may be right. But that was based a good deal on the idea the woman was a man's property.

If we go back to the Jewish understanding of marriage it's a very different thing.
Paul
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby SeekingChange » Sat Apr 01, 2017 11:42 am

Cayenne wrote:I don't disagree that there are other things... however I was under the impression that this particular discussion was about porn. I didn't realize I had to qualify every statement I made. It becomes tedious to have a discussion. Please understand I'm not meaning this as an attack. I'm frustrated that a simple comment meaning to convey the depth of my pain resulted in what can be read above. I never intended to bring up alternate meanings of the marriage vow, stone throwing, levels of sin, what hurts more than other things, forgiveness, etc.

I am guessing my words have felt directed at you, and they aren't intended to be, necessarily. I say to any and all, if the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it. But if the Spirit is doing any convicting, don't ignore it. I did ask you and Learning1 a direct question, which neither want to answer, to understand deeper into a topic. I, too, felt it was necessary to share that though there are wives who can totally relate to your experience and feel exactly as you do/did, there are also wives like me, with a different experience and different feelings. I did not take my husband's sin as there was a problem with me. It was his, and his to own. I never felt "ugly" because of it. I never felt, and still don't feel like my husband's porn use, and even beyond that to some sexually addictive behavior he acted out on, was "adultery" as in the sense that Jesus gives as the one reason for divorce (and I know there are differing opinions on that). He did not join his body, to another, ever.
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Cayenne
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Re: RABBIT! From - Why do you look at porn?

Postby Cayenne » Sat Apr 01, 2017 2:54 pm

SC, I felt your question was a rabbit trail off of a rabbit trail, and I have been pretty frustrated with the rabbit trailing to begin with.

I am a rare personality in that I am almost exactly half and half split between characteristics that are not supposed to go together. The teacher who gave me the tests said, "this isn't possible." But it is, it's me. It is pretty confusing to be me sometimes. Practically in this situation, this means that I understand fully the logic behind why my husband got hooked on porn and that it has nothing to do with me... but I also fully understand the emotions of feeling I'm not good enough. While I function the vast majority of the time on my logical half, there is always a possibility of war between the halves, and when I am tired or upset, the emotional half will make itself known. This also means I am fully capable of entering a conversation from either perspective and understand the effects of it firsthand.
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby bigloop » Mon Apr 03, 2017 1:18 pm

Paul B wrote:If we go back to the Jewish understanding of marriage it's a very different thing.


I'd be interested in hearing what you have to say on that subject.....

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Paul B
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Re: Why do you look at porn?

Postby Paul B » Mon Apr 03, 2017 2:38 pm

Well, since it's a rabbit trail thread already...

While women were, legally, very close to the property, there were laws both legal and biblical mandating decent treatment. To start with a man was expected to provide his wife with adequet amounts of food, clothing, and sex (the Jews of old felt women had the stronger drive).
Paul
Marriage and Sex Educator ~ My passion is better marriages and better married sex lives.

The Generous Husband
The XY Code - Attempting to explain men to women.
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