Lack of Sex Since Beginning of Marriage - I think I found the Reason

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
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AgentCarter
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Lack of Sex Since Beginning of Marriage - I think I found the Reason

Postby AgentCarter » Mon Apr 10, 2017 12:10 pm

We got married in July. We have been going weeks without sex. We have been averaging maybe twice a month since the fall. We didn't have sex at all in February. It was 5 and a half weeks between, actually, despite me trying multiple times. His only answer was, is, and has always been, "I know what it feels like to not feel wanted because I have been there in previous relationships, but I really don't have an answer for you outside of the fact that I work a lot. It's not you, I just don't really want to."

He didn't work on Saturday so we went to lunch. I used his phone to look for a place to eat while he was driving, and on the popup text/previously searched line above his keyboard were the names of women, one of which was also included "in HD." I clicked that. Google brought me to Pornhub. He SWEARS that he doesn't know where they came from, but his phone is locked with a password and only he and I have access to it. The only other possibility is that his Gmail account, which is connected to his phone, was somehow accessed from another device. But he's only every logged in from his own laptop, which stays at our house. Our apartment complex ends a Google user's session automatically when the browser window is closed, and that's the last option. And anyway, those lines were connected to the phone's keyboard, I don't believe that they actually sync to his Google account. So it happened on his phone which, again, is locked and always on his person. If someone had it, he'd know. He swears that he didn't do it, but that same search history line also features searches that I know he has made himself, like restaurants and how-to pages to fix the brakes on his car. He also seems to think that if he didn't do it, his Gmail account must be compromised somehow, but he shows zero concern in fixing that or looking into it further.

He offered to show me his phone's history immediately, very defensively, and it was clean... but you can clean the browser history without clearing the keyboard history because on his phone, they function from different apps. He then tried to say that he didn't even know how to find his search history, let alone clear it or clean up after himself, but we are both young and text savvy - that seems very illogical. A quick Googling is all it takes Either he searched for the porn on his phone or someone he works with did. He's asking me to trust him, even though he offers no explanation and is not trying to find one.

To his credit, we have been having sex more recently - maybe over the past 3 weeks - and things have generally been better between us with him having some more days off this past month, but I've had other minor reasons to wonder and this latest thing is really something indefensible. It's essentially foolish to trust him, even though I really want to, because the evidence against him is glaring and because he has no explanations for it.

My only condition to our marriage was that he never, ever watch porn, ever. "If you want to crush me, that's how," is exactly what I said. I consider it adulterous and I told him, point blank, that I would never, ever put up with it, that it was an instant deal breaker and that I would leave. I meant it, too. I absolutely refuse to be second to a digitally altered woman on a screen. It's sinful. It's immoral. It is soul crushing. I am a real person with a heart, a mind, emotions. HE KNOWS ME. And I am an attractive woman. I try to take care of myself. I am ALWAYS available for him. I am sexually willing to do most anything - our sex life isn't boring or monotonous... when it happens, anyway.

We "made up" on Saturday by having sex that evening, and he started playing a video game immediately after, like nothing happened. Like that was the end of it. Like, "I don't know" is an answer for 8 months of next to no sex and now this.

I slept on the couch that night and he let me. We screamed at each other multiple times yesterday. I am heartbroken. I don't know what to do. Help.

Edit: I have repeatedly said to him since this happened that all I want is the truth, and that if he did watch things we could (and would) move on from it. I am okay with, "I made a mistake." I am not okay with secrets and lies. That's toxic and it'll kill us. I try to honor him with all my heart because that's what I vowed to do, and I don't keep anything from him. Is it too much to ask for the same?
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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby AgentCarter » Mon Apr 10, 2017 12:22 pm

SeekingChange wrote:It could be porn, but it seems he is in between a rock and a hard place. It's either lose you, because you made it clear that this an unforgivable sin that you will walk out over, or lie because he does not want to lose you. It seems grace and mercy is not offered, that makes it an unsafe place for honesty, so what does he have to lose by lying? He tells the truth, he loses you, if he can convince you he didn't look, than he has a chance at keeping you. I am a wife whose husband kept a secret and lied out of fear of losing me.

I guess you have a choice, marriage or no marriage. If you are lookig for a perfect man who does not sin or struggle with sin.... good luck.



I asked him to just tell me the truth. We talked about how things have been strained for other reasons. I said repeatedly over the past few days, "I just want to know the truth and if you really did, we can move on from it. The worst part is having no answer, that's the thing that I can't understand." I made it clear that porn use would HURT me more than anything. It's almost worse than an actual affair, IMO, because it's a SCREEN and it isn't even real.
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Lack of Sex Since Beginning of Marriage - I think I found the Reason

Postby Cayenne » Mon Apr 10, 2017 1:17 pm

I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I have been through it myself not all that very long ago. Your stand regarding porn is very much the same as mine. The way I worded it was, "I choose not to live in the same house as porn." Thankfully he said ok, and got rid of it immediately. For our marriage to work for me, there must be no secrets. I insist he will tell me where he stands on this issue, and I still ask checkup- questions every 3-4 months to see how his battle is going. Once your husband decides to admit what he's been doing, I think it's ok to ask him a lot of hard questions- just avoid specifics of what he's been watching. That leads me to my next comment: being a relatively tech savvy person myself, and with Google Search functioning as an extension of my brain..... Never - in the, oh, 20-100 harmless/bizarre searches per day that I have made for the last 16 years, have I ever had porn randomly appear in my search history. And yeah, I've used many devices over these years, and collected a little malware here and there along the way. I've even stumbled onto porn accidentally a time or two- purely accidentally and my search indicates that (it happened at work and I informed the IT dept what I was looking for, why, and that although it had to do with medical signage I somehow still opened a porn website). I think you better trust your instincts a whole lot more than his honesty at this point. In response to catching my husband in the first lie in 20yrs of marriage, a sexual addictions counselor I know said, "the addiction will do anything it can to survive." Insisting on a tracking app on his phone would be a reasonable request.

Sorry this post rambles so much- I'm having a multitude of things going on right now that cumulatively amount to a flood.... I just wanted to be sure you got a response right away.
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Re: Lack of Sex Since Beginning of Marriage - I think I found the Reason

Postby AgentCarter » Mon Apr 10, 2017 1:39 pm

Cayenne, everything you said is basically how I feel - if he is hurting me, hurting our marriage and SINNING, why can't I make requests? I AM HIS WIFE. I have a right to know the truth and am being accosted for asking questions about some very condemning FACTS. How am I the criminal? It's obscene. He's saying, "I'm just asking you to hear me," but offers no explanation for the names of 4 porn stars just magically appearing in his keyboard search in the midst of his normal stuff. What am I supposed to hear? I feel like he's insulting my intelligence on top of everything and just now, I got, "When are you going to get over this?" even though it's been 48 hours since and NO ANSWER has been given! We are going on our honeymoon (finally) in two weeks, and he just asked when I'm going to "get over it" because our whole trip will be "miserable" if I don't. Right, because our whole marriage won't be miserable with lies and secrets. Got it.
Last edited by AgentCarter on Mon Apr 10, 2017 2:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Lack of Sex Since Beginning of Marriage - I think I found the Reason

Postby AgentCarter » Mon Apr 10, 2017 1:42 pm

I NEVER thought that this would be my life. Even in my sinful past, my partner never did this to me. How sad is that? I felt better loved by a sinful lover than I do by my husband, even before this happened, and I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. It was literally like a few days after our marriage, he became a different person. Little interest in sex, me, affection, compliments, etc, and he blew up a few weeks ago when I had a suspicion and straight up asked if he was watching porn.... now, this.

When we were dating and getting emotionally closer, he told me that he used to sit out by the river where we live and, out of his loneliness, "just want to walk off into the river and never come back." It's exactly how I feel now. Aaaand I'm 2,000 miles from home, my family, everyone I know and everything I care about except him. This is what I get. This is how I'm honored. With no sex and seeming lies.
What now, Miss Carter?

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby Job29Man » Mon Apr 10, 2017 1:42 pm

Agent Carter,

The fact that your husband would not give you a direct answer, is an answer. I agree with SC; you have made it clear in the past that any porn use would jeopardize the marriage. Now you are telling him "just tell me the truth, we can move on." I think maybe he doesn't believe you. Your previous stand, while based in justice, was a set up for marriage failure. You chose a very, very common male sin, viewing porn (which is not always addiction, but sometimes infrequent), and made it a "zero tolerance" sin. I think he's scared and doesn't trust you.

If you are going to get to the bottom of this, and get your sex life back, and get your marriage back, you need to convince him -- really make him TRUST that you mean it, that you WON'T leave him if he confesses to porn use.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby AgentCarter » Mon Apr 10, 2017 1:52 pm

Why am I responsible for his sin? Common sin or not, really? I am his wife, he has access to me whenever and however he wishes, yet he has chosen to engage me very, very rarely since our marriage began. Again, it's all been rooted in, "If you hurt me in this way, it will crush me" and now that we are facing it, how else can I convince him to tell me the truth than to just ask for it? He feels scared? He can join the club that he put us both in. I just want the truth and I have told him that. I brought up SeekingChange's advice a bit ago and said, "If you did do it, I won't hold it against you. We can get past it, I am still here and I will be," and he just blew up at me for bringing it up again, asking when I'm just going to "get over it." Our long-put off honeymoon kicks off in two weeks and his only response was that we spent all this money on a cruise, all of which was funded by me, and that it'll be "miserable" if I don't get over it. He's still insisting that he did nothing. How can I work with or reason with lies?
What now, Miss Carter?

Now, I go to work.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby Learning1 » Mon Apr 10, 2017 3:09 pm

Job29Man wrote: Your previous stand, while based in justice, was a set up for marriage failure. You chose a very, very common male sin, viewing porn (which is not always addiction, but sometimes infrequent), and made it a "zero tolerance" sin. I think he's scared and doesn't trust you.

If you are going to get to the bottom of this, and get your sex life back, and get your marriage back, you need to convince him -- really make him TRUST that you mean it, that you WON'T leave him if he confesses to porn use.

Job29Man


Respectfully, It is more than the sin of porn use, it is the sin of sexual refusal, the sin of depriving your spouse, not to mention dishonesty and entering into marriage probably using porn, when it was made clear that porn use was a big deal to Agent Carter prior to marriage.

Agent Carter, I've never walked down this road, there are others who have. Perhaps they will chime in. You may also want to post in those who are sexually refused, as your frequency of sex, (no sex since February, certainly qualifies you). Also see if you can find posting history by a moderator name Leah, she walked through refusal / porn use with her DH and came out the other side with a strong marriage. Keeping you in my prayers.
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

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Re: Lack of Sex Since Beginning of Marriage - I think I found the Reason

Postby doug-h » Mon Apr 10, 2017 3:23 pm

AgentCarter.

I have held off from responding so far, because it is obvious you are hurting, and it seems you are not getting the answers you are looking for here. I'm afraid that what I have to add will seem like more of the same, but some of the things you have written really speak to my heart.

First, nobody here is saying you are responsible for his sin, but you are responsible for any words you have said in the past. It sounds like your husband might believe himself to be in a no win situation.

One of the things that jumped out at me was the phrase "get over it". I am sorry that he said that, because I know how dismissive it sounds. I was guilty of using the same phrase over 20 years ago, and my words were revisited me recently. In truth, I had regretted saying them long before, but never made it right. I will tell you that when I spoke them, I was accused of an affair I did not have, and I had exhausted every way I knew to prove my innocence, and finally I told my wife to believe whatever she had to, but just get over it. Well, she finally did, a few months ago. I know that your husband may or may not be guilty, but I think I also know the helplessness he feels to make things right. I have been there.

First, I do understand that you feel betrayed, and that is a hard thing. This is not meant to be an accusation, just an observation. You do not seem to be ready to forgive yet. You seem angry, and it appears that what you are seeking is vindication. That I understandable, but it is not a good place to operate from, if you are trying to get answers from your husband.

I don't know what it will take for your husband to open himself enough to trust you, that you are intent on moving past this, but I don't believe he is anywhere near that point yet. Your words might have told him one thing, but if he senses what is obvious here, then his attitude is at least understandable, if not right.

For the record, you do not have to have an acknowledgement to move beyond this. You can choose to forgive, regardless.

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Lack of Sex Since Beginning of Marriage - I think I found the Reason

Postby Cayenne » Mon Apr 10, 2017 5:24 pm

There is an initial period right after a wife finds out her husband is using porn called the discovery period. Most people are not ready to move into the rebuild/forgive/recovery phase until after discovery is complete. Somewhere in there she will go through the stages of grief, too. It is unfair to expect someone to finish discovery in a couple days, especially if she doesn't feel she's getting honesty. Some of the advice given here will apply better in a week or two.

Everything I've read says it typically takes a wife 2-3 YEARS to completely "get over" their husband using porn. Obviously things can start improving a few weeks or months into it, the point is that it is NOT a fast process.

It is fine for a wife to take a stand regarding what she will or will not do. I choose not to live in a house with porn.... that means he has to decide... I never spelled that out further for him, and only said it maybe twice the first day or so. I also made it clear from the beginning that I'd stand by as long as he was being honest, open and working towards recovery. One thing I refused to do was fight about it. (Either he wants to be with me or not, and there's no joy in a relationship where you have to convince the other person to be with you.) I determined what I could handle, stated it as calmly as possible, and let him respond. If he couldn't make an adjustment towards recovery I would have taken the kids and gone to stay with a friend until he chose to begin counseling. Fortunately or unfortunately as the case may be, I tend to freak out more over the little stuff, but when it's huge I get deadly calm. I was calm for a long time during discovery..... so much so the counselor said I was the calmest wife she'd ever seen. I did my falling apart later in the process. I think it turned out for the best, too.

My advice for wives first discovering a husbands porn use is this: keep your stance simple.... uncomplicated. One to three things- no lists. Only tell him what YOU will do, not what what he has to do. He gets to make his own choices. Assume he's smart enough to remember your stance without being reminded. Don't argue, don't fight- walk away if you have to. Keep a wide door to recovery and forgiveness but a firm stand on what is right and wrong. Remember that all men face these same issues at one time or another, some are just at a different place with rejecting it than others. Also remember this isn't the whole man. In most cases, he's still got the same good qualities in other areas as he had before you knew about porn. Assume the best, and time will reveal if there really are more problems. Give yourself time to finish discovery and get yourself into recovery mode before you take any permanent steps. Also.... avoid asking questions until you are prepared to calmly handle WHATEVER his answers could be. Keep questions more general at first.... don't look for any kind of specifics until you have been able to begin recovery and know what questions you actually need the answers to (some answers do more harm than good, so it's best to skip them). Oh, and don't keep covering the same ground with your questions if you can help it. Be very patient. The porn isn't about you, it's about him- remind yourself that as often as you need to.
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Re: Lack of Sex Since Beginning of Marriage - I think I found the Reason

Postby jokerman » Mon Apr 10, 2017 6:44 pm

AgentCarter wrote:My only condition to our marriage was that he never, ever watch porn, ever. "If you want to crush me, that's how," is exactly what I said. I consider it adulterous and I told him, point blank, that I would never, ever put up with it, that it was an instant deal breaker and that I would leave.

<snip>

I have repeatedly said to him since this happened that all I want is the truth, and that if he did watch things we could (and would) move on from it.


If he's heard both of these statements (that it's a deal-breaker on one hand, and that you can "move on" on the other hand) he may not be sure where he stands right now. "Dealbreaker" sounds like you're out the door. Some guys will lie rather than face that.

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Re: Lack of Sex Since Beginning of Marriage - I think I found the Reason

Postby tjw » Tue Apr 11, 2017 2:47 am

AgentCarter wrote:It's essentially foolish to trust him, even though I really want to, because the evidence against him is glaring and because he has no explanations for it.


And, herein lies the solution to your problem. Don't trust him. It is an unfortunate position, because we grow up all of our lives with daydreams of having a life partner with truth as a paramount condition of intimacy. However, in the "real world", you have married someone who is likely to NEVER
provide any truth for you. If it's like my own marriage was, the best you can hope for is "trickle truth". And, that will come out at an excruciatingly SLOW pace, that is, if it even comes at all. In mine, it never did.

You are now engaged in what Jesus said is a "seventy times seven" situation. I understand, I've been where you're now at. You are correct in that you cannot "work" with lies. Unfortunately, your only option is to not "work". Forgive, but forget "working". You cannot change this man. It is beyond your power, it is beyond the scope of things which you can accomplish.

If I had ten bucks for every time she told me to "just get over it".... I could buy a very nice used car. That statement says it all. It says "...I'm not going to change, you have to do all the heavy lifting if you want to remain married...."

Cayenne wrote:a sexual addictions counselor I know said, "the addiction will do anything it can to survive."


My ex-wife's (home with the Lord) addiction to men's attention was just too strong. I finally got the idea that she wasn't really interested in breaking her addiction, she was just lying in order to preserve the income stream and the built-in-babysitter - neither of which would have been provided by her adulterous paramours.

Whether or not your husband can ever break his addiction is an unseen future scenario. I fully believe in God's power to change people's lives radically. But your husband has been given, by God, a free will to exercise. God will not save him against his will.

The point I'm trying to make is this. Guard your own heart and your own psyche. If you decide to remain in your marriage (and, by your description, I believe you have the right to end it) you are headed for miles and miles of the same rut you are now in. Make your decisions accordingly.
Last edited by tjw on Tue Apr 11, 2017 7:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

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There must be NO secrecy in marriage

Postby Job29Man » Tue Apr 11, 2017 5:41 am

AgentCarter wrote:Why am I responsible for his sin?
You are not. If I caused offense, I apologize.

AgentCarter wrote:Common sin or not, really? I am his wife, he has access to me whenever and however he wishes, yet he has chosen to engage me very, very rarely since our marriage began.
The fact that porn is a common sin, does not excuse it or lessen its impact.

AgentCarter wrote:...he just blew up at me for bringing it up again, asking when I'm just going to "get over it."
This anger ... it's a pretty common reaction in men who are feeling guilty for some kind of secret sin. They can't live with themselves and it boils up inside them, then when the topic is raised the result is anger, even rage sometimes. IMHO this is more indicative of guilt that of annoyance at being wrongly accused.


AgentCarter wrote:Our long-put off honeymoon kicks off in two weeks and his only response was that we spent all this money on a cruise, all of which was funded by me, and that it'll be "miserable" if I don't get over it. He's still insisting that he did nothing. How can I work with or reason with lies?
I'm sorry for the timing of all this. Sadly, the sexual refusal combined with what you found on his phone, combined with his anger and "get over it." It doesn't look good. It looks like guilt.

This brings up the point of secrecy in marriage. You mention that his computer and phone are password protected. That's fine, but you should know the passwords. My wife and I strongly believe in the principle that ...

THERE MUST BE NO SECRECY IN MARRIAGE. ZERO.ZILCH.NADA.PERIOD.

We are NOT entitled to private lives and identities that our spouse cannot access.

You should each have a complete list of all the other spouse's online clubs, memberships, forums, etc AND the usernames and passwords for all of it. And you should each have complete 100% unfettered access to each others' cell phones, tablets, and computers at all times without having to inform or ask permission to get on the spouse's device.

I have given my wife all my user ids, accounts, passwords, etc. And I have asked her to browse through my histories and use without informing me. For example I have shown her how I access TMB and how the PM feature works, and shown her how to see my PM history.

This principle is not just from the electronic age, but goes back to the days where all communication was by US Mail. In the 1930s, if a man received letters from a woman, then the man's wife should be entitled to read all the correspondence going both directions. There is NO reasonable expectation of privacy in marriage with regards to correspondence and online activities.

Likewise, back in the "old days" it would not have been right for a man to have a private trunk-box in the attic to which only he had the key, so that he could lock up pornographic magazines and love letters from other women.

It is the same today, but the mail and trunk-box are electronic and password protected. Neither of you should have any secrecy in this realm.

Having all the account names, user ids, passwords, etc you should be able to simply search them yourself, or take them to a geek to search for you. I know this sounds "untrusting" but ... this is where you are. In fact he has brought it on himself. You don't trust him. He's acting very suspiciously.

The fact that there's a cruise coming up? Well, how are you supposed to enjoy it while there is this doubt in your heart?

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Re: Lack of Sex Since Beginning of Marriage - I think I found the Reason

Postby doug-h » Tue Apr 11, 2017 6:14 am

I'm going to chime in, agreeing with pretty much everything Job stated. My heart goes out to the both of you.

I do disagree with one thing Job said, or at least want to expand on it. Your husbands angry response and "just get over it" remark may well be indicative of guilt. I never meant to imply that because I was innocent of what I was accused of, that the remark implied innocence. What I can say with a pretty high degree of certainty tho, is that he was feeling cornered. It was likely said in exasperation, because he did not know what else to say. Yes. It could be a reflection of guilt, but it could be just the opposite, and as wrong as it was, it doesn't prove anything except frustration.

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When Does Our Spouse's Privacy Protect Another?

Postby poetess » Tue Apr 11, 2017 7:53 am

Job, not to derail the thread, but to get clarification: When you say that both spouses should have all passwords, feel free to check anything, etc.: How does that work when the other party might have a reasonable expectation of privacy (e.g., the spouse is a pastor or a doctor or a professional having contact with others in a professional capacity)? Maybe that is simply way outside the scope of this thread, but I've often wondered that when you have said this. Maybe that is worthy of its own thread. But if you have top-secret clearance and your wife doesn't, or you're a doctor and it would break the law for your spouse to see certain things to which you have access, or you are a pastor and it could break confidentiality on matters of church discipline or whatever . . . how does the fact that we are more and more able to access work-related business at home square with confidentiality of the other person but full disclosure of ourselves (not the other) to our spouse?

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No secrets in personal behavior and communication

Postby Job29Man » Tue Apr 11, 2017 9:56 am

Good point. I'll clarify. We have no reasonable expectation of privacy in our personal lives. It's not reasonable to have a spouse checking through your business dealings if indeed that is all they are "business dealings." Secrecy clearance work, medical and counseling confidentiality, financial clientele's business, and the like, should all remain private and in these cases, secret too.

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Re: Lack of Sex Since Beginning of Marriage - I think I found the Reason

Postby Job29Man » Tue Apr 11, 2017 10:04 am

doug-h,

You also make a great point. But let me telly you why I'm still inclined to think that that he is guilty. It's not just because he acted defensively. But because of the combination of ...

1. Sexual refusal since the wedding (even though we hear about it on TMB, it is statistically highly weird in a newlywed)
2. Caught with porn indicators on his phone that he denied (Jeepers! How did that get there?)
3. The eagerness to have her just "get over" a very legitimate suspicion

It's the three together that make me think his defensiveness is likely guilt, especially number two. It's as improbable as "Golly! How did that Playboy magazine get stuffed under my mattress? :o What a shock! Probably a house burglar snuck into our house and for some reason stuffed porn under my mattress. What a coincidence that I'm the only teen aged boy in the house! :? "

I ain't buy-in' it. Especially when she says that his phone is always code locked and on his person.

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Paul B
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Re: Lack of Sex Since Beginning of Marriage - I think I found the Reason

Postby Paul B » Tue Apr 11, 2017 11:01 am

Is he guilty? His lack of anger over being accused suggests he is guilty. But that's not proof. On the other hand, he was fine with giving his wife his phone, and it sounds like he knows enough to realise autocomplete could bring up some things he wouldn't want her to see.

Her "look at porn and it's over" stance is certainly adding to the difficulty. She has said she told him if he tells her he looked at porn they will work through it. That means she told him one thing before and something different now. One of those was not true, and he knows it. What he doesn't know is which is true. I've heard from plenty of men who were honest when their wife said she wouldn't freak out, then she freaked out and left or kicked him out.

The bottom line is this is way, way beyond the couple resolving. Then need some third party help and they need it RIGHT NOW!

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Re: Lack of Sex Since Beginning of Marriage - I think I found the Reason

Postby The Twit » Tue Apr 11, 2017 11:23 am

If I can add some comments. Usually in the case of secret business dealings - Doctor, pastor, military, design engineering, etc. - the company or the business will have a computer and/or phone strictly for business activities as a means of protection and security. In addition a person could be fired for having anything personal or illegal on the "company" phone/computer. Those devices may be open for audit by the "owner" or business.

I am with JobMan on this all other items are to be open and viewable by the spouce. If the device is owned by the family, and once you are married all items are jointly owned, then the device is eligible to be audited by the other co-owner, the spouse.

As for the subject, unless the man has health issues, is homosexual, or has a porn problem I do not see how he would not be wanting physical contact with his wife. Something is fishy, the wife needs to confront in a loving and forgiving way - not taking on the blame but willing to work with the man she married. The man needs to confess and seek help and start to focus on his wife and their future together. They are now bound in holy matrimony. Are they both willing to fight for this new, young family (yes a man and wife are a family)?


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Re: Lack of Sex Since Beginning of Marriage - I think I found the Reason

Postby doug-h » Tue Apr 11, 2017 11:51 am

I agree that his guilt is likely, as far as the porn.

I do know how damaging that comment could be, by itself, if left unresolved. It does not imply a lack of caring, but desperation, and that is why I adressed it. It should kot even be a matter of consideration in his guilt or innocence.

I do find it difficult to jump onto the addiction bandwagon here, without more information. I don't see a link between his libido and porn either, without more information.

That doesn't mean the link doesn't exist, just that there is not enough information to support that conclusion, not by a long shot.

One thing that jumped out at me was the evidence, or rather, the lack of real evidence. Knowing a bit about internet porn, I don't know why you would type the name of a porn site into a search engine, as seems to be indicated here. You would just type it into the address bar of you browser, if you already knew the name. I certainly don't see someone typing in a woman's name with the modifier of "in HD". That by itself tells me that he most likely didn't type that in. If you reach the conclusion that he did not type it in, the question remains as to how it was in the phones memory to begin with. With the way searches work any more, I'm not sure any conclusions can be drawn. I know that I have random searches and advertisements appear constantly on my phone. Further, as porn goes. Pornhub is little more than an advertising site for subscription sites, and in the past anyways, only carried low quality sample videos. That may or may not still be the case.

All things considered, and I am sure I will catch some grief for saying this, if a search for porn is indicates at all, it was rather amateurish and juvenile. I know, because I am, or was, very good at it.

Just a random observation from someone who knows more than he should about the subject.

Paul B wrote: On the other hand, he was fine with giving his wife his phone, and it sounds like he knows enough to realise autocomplete could bring up some things he wouldn't want her to see.


Yes, that was something I was very much aware of. I was quite protective of my phone for that very reason. Again, it proves nothing, but seems to indicate that he didn't expect a prolem to arise from it.

I don't know that he did, or did not use porn. I know that I am not convinced one way or another, and I certainly believe the greater good is served by giving him the benefit of the doubt. That can be done with the understanding that if he did fall into it, that it isn't ok, but it is forgivable.

There are consequences to reaching a wrong conclusion!!!!!
Last edited by doug-h on Tue Apr 11, 2017 1:12 pm, edited 6 times in total.


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