His Porn Use Doesn't Mean What You Think It Means

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
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Paul B
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His Porn Use Doesn't Mean What You Think It Means

Postby Paul B » Wed Apr 12, 2017 11:35 am

It rips my heart out to see how a man's porn use hurts his wife. It's just one of the many reasons I hate porn.

That said, it has become clear to me that many of the messages wives take from their husband's porn use are not true. Yes it's sin, yes it's a sin against you, and yes he should stop and beg your forgiveness. But men don't use porn for the reasons most women think, and that causes women to assume things about their husband's thinking that are not true.

1) First and foremost, he's not looking at porn because he dislikes how you look. Men who are with women who are considered extremely beautiful and sexy look at porn featuring women who are less beautiful and less sexy. If all the women in porn looked ordinary or bad, it would affect porn use very, very little. It's not about how you look.

2) Often is has nothing to do with how much sex you have with him or how available you are. There are men who look at porn even though they never hear no, and some who will choose porn over sex. This is about them, not their wife. There are a variety of reasons, most having to do with self-doubts and fear. Being always avalaibe won't prevent porn use.

3) A fair number of men say their porn use is separate from and unrelated to their sex life wit their wife. Yes, they really think that, or at least have convinced themselves of it. I think this is fuled by the fact most men have seen a lot of porn by the time they get married. Porn was not about you before he knew you, so it's not about you now.

4) Some men use porn as a way of getting back at their wife for some perceived sexual slight. It might be frequency, it might be refusing some sex act, it might be they see what she offers as mercy or pity sex. But rather than discussing these things, they secretly use porn to make themselves feel better about it. So yeah, that's about her, but it's really about his inability to deal with problems in a mature way.

5) Some men in low sex marriages use porn when they masturbate because porn gives the illusion that what they are doing is a sex act. Simply masturbating can feel more like brushing your teeth or going to the bathroom - it's a simple care of body thing, not really sexual. Men don't just want release, they want sexual intimacy. Porn does not provide that, but it's a good enough fake some men can convince themselves it's sex.

Bottom line: If you are halfway available to him, don't limit sex to one position in the dark, and don't "just lie there", his porn use is not about you. He may tell himself it is to lessen his guilt or shame, but it's not about you, it's about him. It says nothing about you, and it says a great deal about him.

None of this makes his porn use any less wrong or horrible, but if you can understand the real why it should make you feel a bit less violated. It won't take the hurt away, but it should make the hurt less crippling. When you think his porn use is about you and says something about you, you are taking on some of the blame for it. You are not to blame, and if you take on some of the blame you take it off of him and make it easier for him to keep doing it.
Paul
Marriage and Sex Educator ~ My passion is better marriages and better married sex lives.

The Generous Husband
The XY Code - Attempting to explain men to women.
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Nvr2Late
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Re: His Porn Use Doesn't Mean What You Think It Means

Postby Nvr2Late » Wed Apr 12, 2017 12:23 pm

Paul, can I take this opportunity to thank you for your recent contributions? It's wonderful to see you participating so widely on the forums!

Second, I have something to add to your list. Fantasy.

Some men, whether they will admit it or not, have a fantasy (or possibly fetish) that only porn can fulfill. This was the case with my Ex. He was not only a long time practicing voyeur but had serious leanings toward pedophilia. His choice of porn proved that out. It only helped marginally when I found out his preference was for prepubescent girls, but it did help me understand the depth of his disease and how far removed I was from what he was addicted to.
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How we handle our spouse's shortcomings reveals more about our own character than theirs. * I’ve already told you more than I know.

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Paul B
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
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Re: His Porn Use Doesn't Mean What You Think It Means

Postby Paul B » Wed Apr 12, 2017 12:56 pm

Nvr2Late wrote:Paul, can I take this opportunity to thank you for your recent contributions? It's wonderful to see you participating so widely on the forums!

It's good to be back. I will be in and out as we travel but hope to stay active.
Nvr2Late wrote:Some men, whether they will admit it or not, have a fantasy (or possibly fetish) that only porn can fulfill.

Or just something they are afraid to share - something their wife might be okay with.
Paul
Marriage and Sex Educator ~ My passion is better marriages and better married sex lives.

The Generous Husband
The XY Code - Attempting to explain men to women.
Follow me on Twitter @themarriagebed

doug-h
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Re: His Porn Use Doesn't Mean What You Think It Means

Postby doug-h » Wed Apr 12, 2017 1:09 pm

I have also enjoyed the increase in your posting Paul. A lot of your recent posts seem designed to increase dialogue and understanding, and that can only be a good thing.

Think you knocked this one out of the park. As someone who is on the recovery side of a long porn struggle (not really an accurate representation, since I never fought it at all), I can agree with pretty much everything you said, and would add that at any given time, more than one of the things you mentioned might be occurring simultaneously.

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Clean Sheets
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Re: His Porn Use Doesn't Mean What You Think It Means

Postby Clean Sheets » Wed May 03, 2017 7:36 pm

Oh how I've missed your posts, Paul. This post is right on the money. Welcome back. :)


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