Ready to give up!

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
LonelyAgain
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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby LonelyAgain » Fri May 05, 2017 10:41 am

Leah wrote:I wonder what you have done over the years to for your own support and growth? Groups? Reading? Counseling?


We have done counseling several times, weekend to remember, remarriage connection group. I've read books and done counseling on my own also. That is why I want to give up. If this man is addicted to porn, none of these things we've gone through will help him change. His ex wife found child porn. I don't think he's into that, but I have no trust in him at all anymore. With the passive role he has played as a husband and father, I don't see my life changing much as a single mom. Of course my foot has always been one foot out the door, as I knew God did not want me to marry him. I was the girl who didn't date, who wanted to save myself for marriage. I got involved with one guy for a short time, who basically used me for sex once and then tossed me aside. It crippled me. My husband came along shortly after that. I don't think he should be in a relationship. He cannot even have basic hygiene, nor does he care about our kids hygiene. He doesn't help them with homework or have a clue when anything is due. He doesn't buy them anything, not even birthday gifts. He's an extremely selfish person and I cannot see myself being happy in a marriage where I don't get to have sex, have no spiritual leader, etc. I have endured so much. I'm far from perfect yes. But we cannot talk without arguing and this is the home my kids are growing up in. I don't see any way. We've gone through so much to get help and NOTHING helps. I've prayed more for God to change me and he refuses to change.
Last edited by LonelyAgain on Fri May 05, 2017 10:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Leah
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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby Leah » Fri May 05, 2017 10:45 am

Are you healthier today? If you decide to divorce, will you be more able to stand on your own and take care of your kids?
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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LonelyAgain
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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby LonelyAgain » Fri May 05, 2017 10:49 am

Am I healthier today? I'm not depressed. I do have anger issues towards my husband. I enjoy my kids immensely and take good care of them, though I make mistakes. I have a good job, volunteer once a month at my church and have a few good friends. I'm in good shape physically. I do not have the greatest self esteem and used to be very negative, but I have made great strides towards being more positive and having more confidence. I have no family here to help me and wouldn't want to move away in order to have help, because kids need a dad.

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Leah
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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby Leah » Sat May 06, 2017 2:45 am

I asked those questions to make a point. Back in the day when Jake was deep into porn, I knew I wasn't healthy and strong enough to go out on my own, and I did not want to repeat the mistakes of the past. I immersed myself in my own recovery. I went to groups, read books, talked to a counselor, and basically surrounded myself with people who were invested in personal and soiritual growth. If my marriage did not survive, I wanted to be a stronger, healthier woman moving forward.

If you have not made some effort along those lines, please drop the idea that divorce will solve all your problems. It is possible to grow and thrive in a difficult marriage, and i hope you will find some people and resources that can help you.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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tjw
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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby tjw » Sat May 06, 2017 6:42 am

LonelyAgain wrote:I got involved with one guy for a short time
It crippled me.
My husband came along shortly after that.

my foot has always been one foot out the door

I knew God did not want me to marry him.


So, do I understand this correctly? You undertook a "rebound" marriage to a "plan B" husband?

Quite frankly, I can clearly see why your husband is unenthusiastic. I would be, too. Now, I'll say again, this does not CAUSE your husband to
use porn. That is his own choice, and a choice he could make differently regardless of you. But.....other than the strict choice to please God
in his own life, why would he put forth any effort and make any of the sacrifices ?

LonelyAgain wrote:I do have anger issues towards my husband.


Why? Your husband is only reacting as ANY HUMAN BEING would react to your complete rejection. It is YOURSELF that you should be angry at, YOU are the one who screwed up your own life. It wasn't God who told you to marry him, it wasn't even YOU who wanted to. You acted out of complete self-centeredness, to self-medicate your wounds. Your husband KNOWS you don't want him. Your husband FEELS the heartbreak of your rejection.

And, make no mistake about it. Your children WILL BE HURT by a divorce. God doesn't want you to do that, either.... you won't lose Him as a result, but make no mistake about this, also..... Just like He showed you the wisdom to not marry your husband, He is now showing you the wisdom not to divorce, and He has put you here with some good folks who can help you to heal your marriage. Some of these folks have had quite similar problems to yours, and God has given victory.

I hope some of this gets through to you. I've said all I'm going to say. I don't mean any of this as any kind of insult or affront to you, I just want to give you some perspective in clear terms.


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