Ready to give up!

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
LonelyAgain
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Ready to give up!

Postby LonelyAgain » Sun Apr 30, 2017 11:33 am

Hi all. Been married awhile. I've found my husband looking at porn on and off again throughout the years. I have no trust in him whatsoever. He has little interest in sex with me, but that may be due to the fighting. We constantly fight. I got involved with someone, after years of being neglected and finding his porn ( did not have sexual inter course with this man). I'm ready to give up. We've been to counseling several times and Weekend To Remember. I have such a poor view of him. Not too long ago I saw a message from a woman on his Facebook. I didn't get a good look except she was basically telling him they all were having game night at his friends house; he told her he was out of town and she said boo. I immediately got mad and he deleted it then, which I didn't know. I accuse him a lot after the porn thing. He has poor hygiene, doesn't stay in a job more than a few years, is very passive, makes me feel like a single mom. Nothing ever changes. Now he is trying to lose weight and he says its for me. I have a hard time believing that since I've tried to exercise our whole marriage. I'm young and in good shape, get compliments. Could he be having an affair? His closest friends love porn, and he goes over to party at this same place this woman who messaged him does. I later asked him to see the message and he said he deleted it. He told me the whole conversation...supposedly.

I have no trust in him at all anymore. What am I to do? I have tried over and over to stay with him. He's a lousy father to our kids, not a spiritual leader. I have tried. I don't see myself ever being happy with someone I cant have sex with much, or trust, or someone who has poor hygiene. Would God allow me to divorce?

He used to have all his accounts open to me, but now everything is password protected. He says I either trust him and no need to ask to look at his phone, or there is no relationship. I explain to him that trust takes time to rebuild and we both should have access to each other's stuff...but he says I either trust him or don't. Is he hiding something? He is good at making me think that all of our marital problems are my fault. Also, his ex wife found porn too when they were married. She found child porn but he said it was a virus that overtook his computer. He told me about that when we dated, that she had found it and what it was. I do believe her when she says she found porn, I don't think he would look at child porn though. Also, we rarely go to bed together. He likes to stay up later and watch tv...either that or watch porn when I'm asleep. :(

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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby tjw » Sun Apr 30, 2017 12:58 pm

LonelyAgain wrote:Would God allow me to divorce?

Yes, God allows people to divorce. Some do it within His expressed will in the bible. Some don't. But God allows us free will to do what we choose.
Whether it is the best path for us to take, or not, is the more salient question. God has set His laws in place for us so that we can have the best possible temporal life. Sometimes a divorce can wreak tragedy on a family which would have been "better off" had it not happened. It is quite
easy to understand why our Lord Jesus Christ set boundaries on divorce, teaching clearly that divorce for "any cause" was not God's will for us and
should be reserved for the extremes, adultery, violence, abandonment, etc.

Do I believe you have grounds for a divorce? Yes, I believe that a continuous lifestyle of adultery (and I think porn use is adultery) is a biblical ground for divorce. By that, I'm not advocating it, where reconciliation is possible, I think every effort should be made to avoid divorce.

I also believe that you have engaged in adultery as well, and that should weigh in on your decision whether or not to divorce your husband.

LonelyAgain wrote:He has poor hygiene, doesn't stay in a job more than a few years, is very passive, makes me feel like a single mom.
I have no trust in him at all anymore.
He's a lousy father to our kids, not a spiritual leader.
I have such a poor view of him.
We constantly fight.


None of these things are a biblical reason for divorce. In fact, your expressed low opinion of your husband may be contributing to his desire to pursue sexuality outside his marriage. I'm not saying that it's causal, or that he's excused by it. But you blame him for your adultery in this statement:

LonelyAgain wrote:I got involved with someone, after years of being neglected and finding his porn

Your adultery was YOUR decision, like your husband's adultery is HIS decision. None of us are forced to sin. We have the ultimate choice, and that choice is within ourselves.

LonelyAgain wrote:He is good at making me think that all of our marital problems are my fault.

Some of your marital problems are your fault. It goes without saying. Marital problems are ALWAYS caused by BOTH people. Some of your marital problems are his fault, too. Adultery is not a "marital problem" - it is a choice made UNILATERALLY by one partner.

LonelyAgain wrote:Could he be having an affair?

Some of the things you say about him are indicators of that.

However, my question is to you......

If you have such a low opinion of this man ? Why would you care ?

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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby LonelyAgain » Sun Apr 30, 2017 2:17 pm

Of course I care if he's had an affair. I have stuck with him through a lot. And yes I do have a low view of him. He has gotten arrested for owing $26,000 in back child support, has gone through bankruptcy, rarely calls his kids that the mom moved away, lost his upper teeth due to poor hygiene and not going to the dentist. He spends his time, money and conversations talking about his hobbies, yet doesn't help with our kids homework at all, only helps with 2 out of 7 rooms in our house when it comes to cleaning. I have worked multiple jobs to help support us. Here I am going to another job tonight. He doesn't have conversations with the kids about God or life, nor does he buy our kids anything or make sure they are bathed or have good hygiene. If that's not a loser, what is?

I was a good wife and never looked at another man for a long time. Then after finding porn over and over, I started to notice others and appreciate their compliments more and more. I do not believe any of that would've happened had my husband chosen to ignore my needs. I have always been upfront with him about my sins and struggles, while he never has. Even in counseling when they'd ask him his issues/sins, he would say he didn't know.

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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby tjw » Mon May 01, 2017 1:03 am

LonelyAgain wrote:If that's not a loser, what is?


I can't say that I disagree with you. And, I don't think you are going to see much change. No one can change what they don't acknowledge.
The only one you can change is you. You obviously have doubts about whether you want a divorce, because you wouldn't bother to ask our opinion
if you were fully decided.

But, honestly ? I fail to see the reasons you would stay. The fact that you have "stuck with him through a lot" is no factor upon your future, nor upon the future of your children. Not even God can change the past. There is no way for you to redeem the time of the past. It's gone.

I read carefully what people say when they post. You say "of course" you care if he has an affair. I am willing to accept that is your perspective, but I'm clueless as to why you are still married to him, or why you would care what he does ? I was really hoping you would give some insight as to your own desires and your own convictions upon that. Your posts sound as if you hate him and everything he stands for..... why did you marry him in the first place ? His past demonstrates only the SAME behavior as he has now..... it's obvious that he wants to remain as he is. Not even God will break your husband's will to change him. God works when we submit to Him, not when we want our own way.

The weekend is pretty slow on this board. Coming along Monday, you will get some good folks to come in with some helpful things to say. No one on this board will advocate a divorce. It is against the rules of the forum. We are limited to trying to help marital re-establishment.

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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby LonelyAgain » Mon May 01, 2017 2:35 pm

We have 3 kids together. I don't want them to come from a broken home. Marriage was supposed to be forever. I knew in my heart that God did not want me to marry him, but I did my own thing. He made me feel special and loved. I care about him as a person. I know that if we were to divorce, I wouldn't screw him Over or keep the kids away from him, like some people do to their exes. I just don't know how to ever change my view of him or be happy. I used to have such a heart for God and he has never led me towards Christ, sadly. I was young and we had sex. Had I been thinking clearly and not just wanting sex I probably wouldn't have married him.

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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby SeekingChange » Mon May 01, 2017 6:37 pm

This link was just shared with me, and I found it helpful for my own trials, maybe it will help your perspective: Married For Adversity
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby LonelyAgain » Mon May 01, 2017 6:52 pm

I have hung in there with him through a lot. Various job losses, custody battle, being broke, dealing with his ex, him being arrested the day after our one year anniversary, thousands of dollars in speeding tickets, his house being foreclosed, car repoed, etc. It has not been fun but I have tried to hang in there. What I can't handle is not knowing who he is really is, after finding the porn over and over. And then me comparing his porn use to why he is so passive in life and doesn't engage with much except his friends and hobbies. We fight everyday and this is what my kids are learning marriage is all about. We've done Weekend To Remember, counseling several times and bible groups. Nothing ever changes and there is never resolution.

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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby tjw » Tue May 02, 2017 5:28 am

LonelyAgain wrote:I used to have such a heart for God and he has never led me towards Christ, sadly.


The fact is, about 80% of the people you will encounter in your life won't, either. As far as your husband being a "spiritual leader", I'm going to give you some New York advice......fuhgedaboudit..... your husband can't even lead himself toward Christ, much less someone else.

The fact also is, that your "heart for God" is entirely YOUR responsibility and YOUR privilege. God is willing to give you as much of Himself as you seek for. Regardless, in spite of, in addition to, with, or without, your husband. If you want God, go get Him. He'll be there. Whether your husband is a "spiritual leader" or not. Let God be the "husband" you need. He will.

LonelyAgain wrote:I just don't know how to ever change my view of him or be happy.


That's a wonderful article that SeekingChange pointed to. View him as someone for whom Jesus died. Become the "pipe" through which Jesus can flow His ministry, His grace, His teaching, His correction.

LonelyAgain wrote:I don't want them to come from a broken home.


Well, I've got news. They do. And, wouldn't it be far better for them to learn from one parent who seeks God, obeys God, and follows after God, than to simply see the fighting? One parent who can show them that marriage is NOT INTENDED to be this way?

The fact is, your husband may NEVER assume his Godly role in your family. Jesus Himself walked on this earth, asking people to follow Him. But not everyone did. Even though His ministry was PERFECT.

But, you have a choice. Yes, it would be an easier choice if your husband would "lead". But, the choice is still yours.

LonelyAgain wrote:What I can't handle is not knowing who he is really is


Wow. I think someone is deceiving you. How can you not know "who he really is" ? Haven't you seen enough ?

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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby LonelyAgain » Tue May 02, 2017 6:50 pm

It's so hard. I have hung in there through a lot. I have tried and tried. He says things like I don't really know who he is. Ugh. I don't want to divorce but I really don't see him every changing. The porn has completely shattered any trust I had in him. I am far from perfect and have issues as a child of divorce but I just don't know that I can hang in there much longer. I don't think he is capable of change.

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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby tjw » Tue May 02, 2017 11:14 pm

LonelyAgain wrote:I don't think he is capable of change.


All people are capable of change. The issue is, they don't WANT to change, because there is a reward for remaining as they are.

There are 2 conditions under which people change:

1) they perceive that a better reward will come if they change;
2) in order to survive

Both of you are ingrained into the mode of life you have chosen. You cannot choose your husband's mode of life. He must do that. Just like you
must choose yours.

If you are choosing to divorce, then we can't help you here. You don't need us, you need an attorney. We cannot advise you on divorce. If you want
to heal yourself and give your husband the "best shot" at becoming different, then you are in the right place. We have folks here who have not only endured marriage, but have thrived through it and become "happy" people in spite of living with someone who doesn't "get it" when it comes to our needs.

You are not suffering from "issues". You are making clear, rational choices. It is a good choice to do things for the sake of your children. Your choices will not always bring about the results you want. But, you will have made the RIGHT choice. This is one of those times, as Dr. Phil puts it, that "...you may not have made the right choice..... but, you can do a lot to make the choice right.....".

In fact, you are coming here miles ahead of where some people are on arrival. You are honest about your motivations for marrying your husband, you recognize that the basis upon which you chose him is not the best set of criteria for mate choice; and you recognize that God did not "want" you to marry him, you made the choice independently of God.

God does not select our mates. Not those who have successful marriages, nor those who have unsuccessful marriages. We do. But, having said that, God is "here" to help us with those whom we have chosen.

LonelyAgain wrote:I just don't know that I can hang in there much longer.


Says who? Does God say that?

One of the best ways to move toward "happiness" in your life is to eliminate these kinds of thoughts and "self talk", and replace this with BIBLICAL thought..... like "....I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me...."

and

LonelyAgain wrote:The porn has completely shattered any trust I had in him.


Nowhere in the bible, from cover to cover, does it instruct us to "trust" anyone, other than God. In fact, it tells the story over and over again about how we are not to put our trust in other people, nor money, nor things, nor any other entity of the earth. Only God.

or

LonelyAgain wrote:I really don't see him every changing


Well, indeed, he may not. Nothing we can tell you to do or not do will bring about any change in your husband at all. But if you set your goals upon changing your husband ? You will be utterly disappointed, because you cannot bring that about. Instead, focus upon yourself, the things you CAN change, and upon God to reward you.

="LonelyAgain"]He says things like I don't really know who he is.


And, apparently, you believe him....because you have accepted that as the truth. You said it was "What I can't handle". In reality, you know EXACTLY "who he is", and apparently, you CAN "handle" it, because you are telling us again and again how you HAVE "handled" it.

The next time he says that, I want you to reply:
"....no, sir. I know EXACTLY who you are.... and, I DON'T LIKE IT.... you are self-centered and have no desire to serve your family....however, I promised God and witnesses that I would remain with you until death do we part, and I intend to keep that promise. I am not only going to keep that promise, but I am going to do what I need to do in order to keep my relationship to God and to my children SAFE from the harmful behavior you insist upon bringing into our marriage.".

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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby SeekingChange » Wed May 03, 2017 3:53 am

Our hope for transformative change is not in man himself, but in Christ alone.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby LonelyAgain » Wed May 03, 2017 6:19 pm

But is continual porn use an okay reason to get divorced and remarried? Or would getting remarried be a sin?

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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby tjw » Thu May 04, 2017 11:08 am

The word "okay" is hard to answer. Let me reframe a bit.
I don't encourage people to divorce and remarry, and this is why:

Divorce is part of God's permissive will. Just like all of our sin. He is not waiting to zap us with a lightning bolt when we sin. God allowed
Moses to write divorce into law, as Jesus stated, because of "the hardness of our hearts". But it is not His perfect will. His perfect will
is accomplished in the granting and the acceptance of forgiveness between people.

He has made His perfect will apparent to us through His forgiveness. He understands that His forgiveness provides the best possible chance
that we will turn from our evil and toward Him, and thereby achieve the best possible life and the greatest degree of happiness in it.

No divorce ever happened without "hardness of heart" in TWO people. One, whose heart is hardened to commit sin against the other. The other,
whose heart has become hardened through the continual fouling from the other.

A very good definition of sin is "...trying to get your needs met in a way that won't meet your needs..."

God has declared sin, and given us laws which, if obeyed, will result in the best possible temporal life.
He has GUARANTEED eternal life to those who follow the example and teaching of the Lord Jesus Christ, who has
accepted the penalty for our sin upon Himself.

God has given us 3 things to guide us:

1) the knowledge of His perfect will;
2) the faith in which we believe that His perfect will results in the best possible temporal life for us;
3) one of the "persons" of Himself, the Lord Jesus Christ, to become our chief good and example of His perfect will
demonstrated in a human life.

So, yes, it is "okay" in the sense that God has declared you righteous and sees you through the Lord Jesus Christ. You will not lose your eternal
life because you divorce, neither because you remarry. But, you will have less than the best temporal life possible for you. And, you will miss
eternal rewards that God had allowed you to earn for your eternal life with Him.

The other reason I don't encourage it, is because even though one partner has grossly fouled the other, it hasn't occurred in a vacuum. In many instances, people who divorce and remarry find themselves in the same, or a worse predicament, than they had in the previous marriage. This is largely due to the fact that whatever problems were being fomented in the earlier marriage by the divorcee are fomented also by him/her in the current marriage.

Meanwhile, a FAMILY has been separated by the divorce. The children, the in-laws.... some divorcees never regain close relationships with their kids following the divorce, and remarriage really creates the "double whammy" where this is concerned.

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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby poetess » Thu May 04, 2017 12:11 pm

I'm going to disagree with several things in tjw's post. First off, God has not promised us the "best possible" life now. Even apart from sin hurting ourselves and others, we face the results of sin (people dying, sickness, storms and fires). We aren't guaranteed even a happy life, let alone a "best possible" life.

Divorce isn't always the result of "two" hard hearts. Sometimes it is only one very hard heart, either one person divorcing with absolutely no merit or one one person sinning against the marriage so badly that divorce is the only means of safety for an innocent spouse and children.

If it is sinful to divorce, then it is not "okay." At the very, very least you have not shown us that you have no other option, and when you ask about divorce "and remarriage," it suggests to me that you may have one foot out the door. Work on the marriage you have, through counseling and other means at your disposal, and don't even allow your mind to wander imagining marriage to someone else who will treat you better--to do that as a married woman is lust, and it will not resolve your current situation.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Ready to give up!

Postby Hiswifeagain » Thu May 04, 2017 7:41 pm

poetess wrote:I'm going to disagree with several things in tjw's post. First off, God has not promised us the "best possible" life now. Even apart from sin hurting ourselves and others, we face the results of sin (people dying, sickness, storms and fires). We aren't guaranteed even a happy life, let alone a "best possible" life.

I just reread his post and don't see that he said that God promised us the best possible life. I think you're misunderstanding him. We will have the best chance of a better (more God-honoring, joy-filled, peace-that-surpasses-understanding etc) life when we follow God's will and direction for our lives. That's not saying you're guaranteed happiness or a comfortable, painless or anything else specific kind of life.

poetess wrote:Divorce isn't always the result of "two" hard hearts. Sometimes it is only one very hard heart, either one person divorcing with absolutely no merit or one one person sinning against the marriage so badly that divorce is the only means of safety for an innocent spouse and children.

I think there is very, very rarely a completely innocent person in a divorce. That fact that it's the best solution to a horrible situation doesn't mean the person leaving for their safety is innocent or doesn't have a hard heart. I feel like it's completely out of place in this thread to bring up this very rare issue as this wife most definitely has hardened her heart to her husband based on her own words here. As bad as he may be, there is some redeeming value in him because he was fashioned by the Creator. We have only one side of this story and it's almost a surety that he's got some things about his wife that are not pleasant to deal with.

@Lonelyagain, tjw gave you some sound counsel. I hope you'll listen to it. Leaving your husband won't solve the loneliness. Please consider reading either Fierce Women or The Respect Dare. Both books are real stories about women who felt lonely in their marriages and had difficulty respecting the man they committed to love forever and how they grew their relationships with God and their husbands by working on their own stuff. I am one such wife as well.
Last edited by Hiswifeagain on Thu May 04, 2017 7:41 pm, edited 2 times in total.
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby Leah » Thu May 04, 2017 7:42 pm

I wonder what you have done over the years to for your own support and growth? Groups? Reading? Counseling?
Leah

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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby tjw » Fri May 05, 2017 2:51 am

Poetess wrote:one person divorcing with absolutely no merit or one one person sinning against the marriage so badly that divorce is the only means of safety for an innocent spouse and children.


Although I agree that both of these cases are possible, they have a very small distribution..... and in our sister OP's case, neither are true.

LonelyAgain - I fully believe you have a salvageable marriage. I don't know if your husband will ever change. I'm going to use the words "best possible" again. I do not mean to say "best possible" in comparison to others. I mean "best possible under the circumstances of our own life" - circumstances which may not change, ever.

However, that being said, you have a CHOICE. I believe that, yes, if you divorced your husband it would not be groundless. The same situation occurs between us and God. I am here, my beloved sister, in the full realization that if God condemned me to eternal death, He would be correct and justified in it.

I also believe that you are contributing to your husband's misbehavior. Note, that I do not say you cause it.

I love an old southern-gospel song "He Looked Beyond My Fault and Saw My Need". Just thinking that thought alone is sufficient to make me forge ahead in spite of my fallings, my failures, my rebellion.

I encourage you to do just this for your husband. I cannot tell you that it will "work" in the sense that he will change as a result. God offers His forgiveness and His love to everyone, but not everyone turns and accepts it as the "unspeakable gift" that it is.

But, for a moment, imagine yourself trying to please a God who wants absolutely no part of you, He hates you for your sins, He does not respect you or say that you have any worth at all......He simply tolerates you for the duration of your temporal life, following which, He is going to send you directly to the fire for destruction.

How would you behave under these circumstances? You want nothing more than to please Him, to honor Him, and to be with Him..... but He hates you...... would you not choose a fantasy over Him ? Would you, after a time, even bother to correct yourself and repent of your sin? Why? No matter what you do, He's not pleased..... so, wouldn't you just choose your own pleasure?

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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby poetess » Fri May 05, 2017 5:13 am

I agree there is no innocent party in this situation. But we cannot say there are "always" two hard-hearted people in a divorce, because it isn't true. And we can't say God is "okay" with a divorce, even if it is a sinful divorce, because our sins cost the death of His Son. He may be willing to forgive us our sins, but the Bible is really clear that sins done in full knowledge that they are sinful--willful sins--are very serious. And saying, "I know it's a sin, but I'm going to do it anyway" is indeed a hard-hearted action, and one that merits dire warnings and not gentle "it will be OK, God will forgive, and you can still have a good life."

So, in this situation, I would say, "There may be times that someone can divorce without sin, in which this spouse is completely innocent of the sins that killed the marriage (though never completely innocent of all sins against the spouse). This is not the situation here. You and your husband have both sinned, and are both still sinning, against each other. You are both in a pattern of sinning against each other. This will continue until at least one of you repents and chooses to do it differently. You need outside help, preferably the counsel of a wise pastor.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Ready to give up!

Postby tjw » Fri May 05, 2017 6:52 am

poetess wrote:This will continue until at least one of you repents and chooses to do it differently.


This is absolutely correct. And, I believe that it is in keeping with the Spirit of God when I say to you, since you have more firm knowledge of God
and His available power, it is required of you to make "the first move". It is up to you to be the "spiritual leader" who initiates the correct actions
according to the biblical instruction given to wives.

The bible instructs you to respect your husband. There is no "if". Not "if he behaves like I want him to", not "if he takes a bath", not "if he would earn more money", not "if he wouldn't look at porn", not "if he earns it". No conditions, no exceptions. Just a command to do it.

God will give you the knowledge, the strength, and the wisdom to carry this through, even if your husband never changes.

I personally know a married couple in which the wife was a gospel singer traveling from church to church, and the husband was an agnostic. She made the decision that she was going to obey God and respect her husband, even though initially, she complained that he wasn't a "spiritual leader".

Initially, this was a very hard decision, because she felt "called" to her ministry, and she felt "rewarded" in it, but her husband wanted no part of it. It took time, but guess what? Her husband got saved, and joined with her in her itinerant ministry. They went from town to town all over Canada and the states giving their testimony of what God did in their marriage. She now gives the wonderful word about how her husband was transformed completely.

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Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:11 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 20th, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: Ready to give up!

Postby doug-h » Fri May 05, 2017 6:59 am

LonelyAgain,

When I read your post, I have to say that a lot of the offenses that you point out seem to have more to do with your discontent with your situation, and not so much with sin. I will be the first to admit that when you are discontent, it becomes easier and easier to find offense. The truth is that you are likely actively searching them out, rather that just stumbling across them. It is a big pit and easy to stumble into, and not so easy to climb out of.
I have found myself in that pit more time than I like to admit, both in my marriage, and in other circumstances that I have found myself in.

I have a prayer that I wrote about a year ago, and I read it from time to time to remind me. It is very personal to me, but I am going to share it here in the hopes that you, or another facing similar struggles might find it helpful.


Father God

I need your help.  I know a lifetime of hurts isn't undone in an instant, and I know that there will always be remnants of this in my heart,
just as I know that the hurts I have caused my wife will echo from time to time in her heart.

Help us both heal,  help us both to see and understand that those are not the important things, but the way we go forward beyond them really matters.

Help me to love your daughter, My wife, the way that you love her.  I am so thankful for her, so thankful for the honor and privilege of being the one you chose
to mirror that love to her

I know I struggle.  I know that because I have been hurt,  I expect more of it, and then look for offense where none is intended.  I know that as long as I am looking, I will always find it, because we all fall short.  Help me to look the other way, to see and acknowledge all the blessings and gifts in my life. 
Help me to see and acknowledge the change and healing you have already made in her heart, rather than the moments that she falls short of my expectations. 
Where it is your will,  help me to gently lead her, not out of selfish desire, but out of a righteous heart that cares only for her welfare. 
I know my prideful, wounded heart gets that messed up, and that sometimes I do the right things for the wrong reasons.

Give me the courage to open my heart to her in a way that she can believe in me again.  Give me the words and actions that will demonstrate to her my devotion.

At the same time,  heal her heart of all the damage I have done.  I know that many times,  the offense I see is nothing more than a wounded heart shielding itself
from hurt.  Help her to understand that she no longer needs those shields, walls and defenses.  Help her to believe in me.  Help her to believe that my devotion
to her, my desire for her, is absolute, unyielding, and forever.


Amen


I know that doesn't fit your circumstance completely, but I believe that a few minor changes could make the prayer yours. It has helped me get thru some pretty difficult times.


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